Christa and the Big, Bad Gays
by Pikachu Ate My Muffin
Summary: Christa's initial aim was a fairly normal and successful four years on campus, but when she gets involved with the so-called "Queers", her aforementioned plans go down the drain. How hard can it be dealing with a group of troublesome gays, anyway? [A mostly fluffy/comedic fic with darker themes later on. Eventual YumiKuri. Warnings: language and mature topics.]
1. Must Be Something in the Water

**AN: I'll blame this sudden upload on the cold medicine later. So enjoy before Future Me flips the hell out, lol. By the way, I don't own Attack on Titan because if I did, well, one word: yuri. Yuri everywhere.**

* * *

 _Chapter One- Must Be Something in the Water_

* * *

The first trait of Ymir's I'd noticed, walking into my history class on that early September afternoon, was how at ease she seemed with the rest of the world. Her shoulders were constantly relaxed, gaze lazy and drifting as if her ego was so inflated that she truly believed she could take on the rest of the world with a mere bat of her eyelashes.

The first time her line of sight grazed past me, then backtracked to meet my own, I knew I was completely and thoroughly screwed. The simple way she held herself made my heart thud in ways I wasn't previously familiar with.

That fateful span of no more than five seconds left my brain utterly buzzing. _What the actual fuck_ , I'd mentally rasped. _I am_ not _gay._ It was only my third day of attending college classes, and I'd already managed to seriously question my sexuality. This university's capabilities officially scared me shitless.

I was awoken from my internal bout of terror as a group of straggling students pushed their way past me, successfully managing to knock my much smaller body forward and into a desk. Its legs squealed as it was unceremoniously shoved a couple inches across the linoleum by my measly body weight.

After I'd gotten up and straightened everything out in an attempt to keep my appearance composed, I looked back up in hopes of catching the brunette's eyes once more. She was watching out the window, lids blinking blearily as the first sign of sunshine in the past week streamed through the clear pane of glass. I exhaled heavily and shook my head in blatant exasperation.

* * *

What I'd picked up from a distance (like a lust-crazed stalker) over the first couple months was that Ymir was surprisingly quite studious. Despite her carefree attitude and haphazard appearance, such as her ripped jeans, threadbare shirts, and reliably messy hair, she seemed to sort of care about what she was paying to be taught. That's more than I can say for at least half of the students absentmindedly occupying the same classroom.

Ymir truly was, when she bothered showing up to class, a genius in a sense. She absorbed new information easily, which could most likely be accredited to her natural skill of observance. She tended to pick up on things that no one else would bother with, or even be capable of noticing.

A shocking incidence occurred late November on the last day before Thanksgiving break began. Most students hadn't shown up in class that day, probably because they'd decided to start their holiday a bit earlier than others.

Our professor was running late and Ymir, growing bored of tossing crumpled paper balls against the windows and listening to the light _thunk_ as the objects collided with the glass, turned suddenly to glance back a row at me.

"Christa, right?" She asked in a tone that boldly flaunted that she already knew her assumption to be correct.

"Yeah" I instantly replied, despite being aware of that prior fact. My blue eyes were widened in surprise at the idea that she had even bothered talking to me. All I ever did in class was quietly take notes, flashing polite smiles here and there.

Something akin to a smirk donned her lips as she noted my innocently interested expression. "What's it like growing up in Georgia?"

I stared at her blankly, unable to recall a time in which I'd ever mentioned where I came from. It was something I simply didn't talk about; the topic was always irrelevant and not particularly interesting in the first place.

"Er, fine, I guess. H-how'd you know I'm from Georgia?" I asked tentatively, subconsciously pushing a lock of blonde hair back while waiting for her reply.

"You tend to look around in awestruck curiosity, like you came from somewhere far away. South, I had assumed. You have that rich, grew up conservative look about you. I figured Florida at first, but by how pale you are, that's not possible. Those Floridian teens practically live in their tanning beds. Plus, you have a slight accent when you're nervous or pressured. I'm betting you try to hide it so you can meld in with these valley-girl Californians. Texas, Alabama, and the like were immediately crossed out. No one escapes those states unless they're married off." Her eyes quickly flicked toward my left hand for confirmation.

I wasn't sure if I should be flattered that she'd been paying such close attention to me, or disturbed that she'd been _paying such fucking close attention to me._

"You'd get so rich off of posing as a psychic" I blurted.

She released a short bark of laughter and ran a hand through her hair, an amused grin remaining on her freckled features. "If money's ever tight, I'll be sure to take your advice" she replied with another small chuckle.

I felt a miniscule smile creeping its way up, along with a light blush along my cheeks.I would attempt to repress the foreign giddiness that rested in the pit of my stomach if I didn't know how thoroughly useless repression was. I'd never been much of a fighter, anyway.

* * *

 **AN: I'll apologize for how short this is. The layout of this story is sort of awkward considering how the chapters are more of drabbles than anything else. This first one is actually two combined installments rather than one. I'm hoping that I can upload more frequently if I stick with this weird chapter formatting. *shrugs* Let's wait and see where the yuri takes us.**


	2. Frigid

**AN: As I promised, a reasonably quick upload. Maybe the length of these chapters will stop bothering me soon enough, lol. ALSO, I don't own Attack on Titan, obviously.**

* * *

 _Chapter Two- Frigid_

* * *

It was December and our midterm was approaching quicker than anyone would like to admit. Much to multiple students' despair, half of the grade would be comprised of a group project.

The due date was the very next morning, so multiple groups had stayed behind in the classroom well into the evening to finish up. I was working with Ymir and two boys who didn't seem to care much about final grades. I never had the opportunity to get frustrated with them though; Ymir did that for me. She'd told them off a mere few hours ago, so now they were working as if their masculine reputations depended on it.

The clock inched closer to nine and we were just about finished. Ymir looked thoroughly satisfied with both her work and her ability to whip virtually anyone into shape. She had a frighteningly authoritative air about her that no one could truly deny.

Our work was completed and our other two teammates had already left. The sun had set over an hour ago and I gnawed my bottom lip while considering how far away my dorm was. The cold didn't exactly bother me, rather the prospect of how vulnerable I'd be if an unsatisfactory situation arose. _I should seriously consider buying a Taser,_ I prompted for at least the fourth time.

Ymir, having picked up on my dilemma, readjusted her jacket and asked, "Can I walk you home?"

I blushed slightly at how helpless I must have looked. I clutched my bag closer to my body and meekly replied, "T-that'd be very helpful, thanks."

She nodded and motioned towards the door, and I quietly followed. We didn't talk a lot on the walk over. It was mostly me giving directions as she remained ahead. When she brought up subjects we'd been discussing in class, I was thrilled to have something to converse about. I couldn't imagine that we had too much in common aside from an apparent mutual interest in history.

We had just about arrived at the dormitory, which I was thankful for, considering how frost-bitten my bright red cheeks felt. Then Ymir abruptly halted and reached down to retrieve the phone buzzing violently in her pocket.

Seeing the contact name, she winced and held the phone to ear, though keeping a slight distance from the object. I could pick up muffled shouting from the other end, and Ymir waited patiently for the other party to calm down.

"I was working on a mid-term project" Ymir finally, and calmly said with a frown. The emanating voice continued. "I'm walking a classmate home now… Yeah, we're not far. I'll be back soon, God. You get so pissy near holidays." She hummed in affirmation to what the other said next, then promptly hung up.

Ymir sighed and ran long fingers through her already messed hair. "Sorry, my girlfriend tends to forget anything that doesn't directly relate to her schedule" she droned, placing the phone back in her pocket.

"It's alright" I piped. "And girlfriend? It sounded like you were being told off by a hypersensitive roommate."

She huffed in amusement and shrugged. "That's also a way you could define her."

Unsure of how to deal with the sudden, small ache in my chest, I decided to ignore it for now and continued forward against the icy December wind.

* * *

 **AN: Reviews are always appreciated. They motivate me not only to write more, but upload considerably frequently. So if you can find the time, many thanks~**


	3. Dreaming's a Bitch

**AN:** **I've appreciated all of your reviews so far! They make me feel all fuzzy inside, haha. Anyone else excited at the prospect of Ymir making an appearance in the manga soon? Because I don't own it, looks like I'll be waiting in anticipation for the next few months *sigh***

* * *

 _Chapter Three- Dreaming's A Bitch_

* * *

I dreamt of smoldering eyes and an all-knowing smirk. We must've been alone with the way she gazed at my body unapologetically. I noted how her teeth flashed like a wolf's under the minimal light, as if she'd tear out my heart with those glittering canines at any moment.

And then her lips, my God, they'd become a sort of obsession of mine. The way they stretched just slightly whenever she was amused. The deep color despite her barely even wearing chap-stick. While asleep I could imagine them inching closer as my eyes fluttered closed in anticipation. And she would hover above me so seductively, merely waiting for the right moment to-

I rolled over and blinked hazily as sunlight shone through my closed blinds onto the backs of my eyelids. The rays were obtrusive and unwanted, but as I pulled back my sheets and looked out the window, the sun truly made for a miraculous sight.

It must have snowed all through the night, which wouldn't have been a possibility if we were the slightest bit farther south. The luminescent rays made the vast plain of snow look like a field of diamonds. It must have been rather early considering how few trails of footprints there were in the expanse of shimmering white.

I glanced back at my roommate's bed only to find her absent. This was no surprise; she was an early riser for the mere purpose of eating breakfast as soon as possible. As expected, when I walked out into the common room she was cramming a slice of toast into her mouth while paying avid attention to the television screen.

"Happy New Year" I mumbled, setting a course for the kitchen area to make tea. I hadn't stayed up long enough to share in the New Year joys and well wishes. And by that I mean I crammed most of my holiday homework into that one evening and couldn't manage to keep my eyelids open past ten.

"Oh yeah, ditto" she replied around a mouthful of bread and jelly.

Waiting for the water to boil, I leaned against the counter and rested my fingertips lightly against my lips as inconspicuously as possible. I found it thoroughly odd how much I thought about Ymir, who, I may add, I only saw in one class throughout my entire college schedule.

It was most likely the biggest crush I'd ever experienced, and even then I wasn't sure if I was comfortable with calling it a crush. I never thought I liked women before this. It simply hadn't crossed my mind.

But these foreign feelings I felt stirring within my chest anytime I saw her, not to mention _spoke_ with her, were stronger than those I'd experienced with many of my past boyfriends.

Maybe it was a shift in hormones. Female bodies are constantly changing, right? It was all so confusing yet strangely intriguing and I had absolutely no idea what to do with these unexpected feelings. I sort of hoped they would just fade with time and nothing dramatic would have to happen between us. Besides, the chances of me sharing anymore classes with the student that was a grade above me next year seemed considerably thin.

Mulling over my conflicting thoughts, I almost didn't hear the whistle of the kettle to my left. I reached over and poured the boiling water into the chipped mug. I closed my eyes as the steam rose in a winding spiral, brushing against and flustering my cheeks.

* * *

 **AN: Have some thoughts to share? The review box is always open.**


	4. Just a Little Closer

**AN: So most of the reviews I have received have been amazing, but there are a select few that I need to call out and will state are unacceptable.** The reason it's called a review is because it's just that: a review of my story, content, and characters. That does not mean you have the right to blatantly insult a certain group or anything in general. If you think my content can be improved upon, state it, or I will delete your "review." Each time this case has happened, it's been from an anonymous person because they are too cowardly to stamp their own name on their unintelligible foolery. If my stories offend you, say why. I will admit that I have a crass sense of humor, but I poke fun at groups that often deserve to be joked about every now and then. So if you're going to get pissy with me, it better be for a good damn reason. **All of that aside, most of you, I absolutely adore you. Keep sending me love, and I'll sure as hell be replying with an even greater degree.**

* * *

 _Chapter Four- Just a Little Closer_

* * *

On the second afternoon back from our winter break I found myself setting up my notes while glancing every few seconds at the door. Ymir had been absent from the seat to my right the previous day and I wondered if she would return this time.

Considering our now close-quarters seating, I wondered how long we'd been like that. I started out a row behind her and far to the left. Maybe I'd gradually inched closer as time passed until there wasn't even a single desk separating us. All throughout December our frequency of conversations had gradually yet largely increased. It currently, and slightly suddenly, seemed odd not to comment on small things the professor did or share answers to homework. It was like a snowball effect, one that I hadn't even realized was occurring.

Tapping the eraser of my pencil against the lined note paper, my gaze shifted between the blank board and the door which was flooded with students continually milling in.

Then as I craned my head to look further outside of the doorframe, I noticed an easy-to-recognize taller frame. Her shoulders were hunched down the slightest. With her head tilted down, she must've been talking to someone shorter than her. Her back shook the smallest bit with a laugh that my ears never caught.

Two pale hands reached up and pushed the brunette back. Ymir staggered for a moment, visibly laughing even harder at her mock assailant. As her companion stepped closer and, finally, into my strained line of sight, I noted the large gray hoodie and pulled-up blonde hair. She definitely wasn't smiling, but her eyes held a trace of amusement.

Shaking her head, Ymir's counterpart said something that was drowned out by the dull roar of the history classroom. The corners of her lips twitched up in a miniscule manner. Ymir tilted her head and replied, then swung around playfully and waltzed into the room. The blonde rolled her eyes and began walking away.

I rested my chin on my upturned palm while donning an inquisitive expression. Ymir waggled her brows at me as she strode closer. Of course it was in that single moment that I noticed the way her jeans hugged her lower body, hanging low on her hips. Tan skin peeked out from between the hem of her jeans and her shirt which was messily scrunched towards the bottom.

Catching my lingering eyes, I averted them to meet Ymir's, an embarrassed yet joyful smile stretching across my face.

I turned myself around when she sat in her usual spot on my right. "A friend of yours?" I immediately asked as Ymir got her supplies situated for the period.

"I haven't even been here for a minute and you're already so talkative" the other teased, leaning close. "But yeah, that was Annie. She's my girlfriend, to be more exact. She made me stay home yesterday, convinced that I was sick. Then she walked me to class like a loyal parent."

I widened my eyes intentionally and replied, "Oh? You didn't look too sick out in the hall."

She fake coughed to the side, then looked back at me with half-lidded eyes and a smirk. "Trust me, I am _so very_ ill. I could barely even get out of bed yesterday. You should treat me to a late lunch to properly express your sympathy."

I snorted and tried to not get flustered over the proximity, though it was difficult with her bright amber eyes boring into my own. "Sorry, but I already ate. How's dinner sound?"

Her features lit up at my suggestion. "I actually need notes from what I missed. You think we could work on that over food tonight? You're still paying."

I couldn't help releasing a raspy laugh at her persistence. Honestly I'd buy her a plane ticket to Japan if she asked. Okay, so maybe my willingness to please the young woman wasn't totally healthy, but resistance was becoming increasingly difficult. It must be her charm.

"Sure" I answered. "But I don't have a car, so I hope you're fine with walking to somewhere on-campus."

"Cool with me. Free food is free food" Ymir said, leaning back with her analyzing gaze still focused on me. As the professor began the day's lesson, I had a bit of a tough time paying attention when much more… taxing subjects were occupying my thoughts.

* * *

 **AN: Stay safe, everyone. There are many parts of the world that are struggling with some harsh situations at the moment. All I can offer are my well wishes and hopes toward those who are suffering.**


	5. Ah, Grease, My Old Friend

**AN: It's officially Thanksgiving break for me! I definitely need to use this time off to work on my Fairy Tail fanfic, because I've been seriously neglecting it for way too long. I hope everyone has a nice holiday, for all who celebrate it. *whisper* I don't own Attack on Titan, because if I did... haha, wait, we already know all this. Go ahead and just enjoy the chapter, you lovelies.**

* * *

 _Chapter Five- Ah, Grease, My Old Friend_

* * *

If anything was accomplished through our dinner plans, it was the fact that I'd finally received Ymir's number. The level of joy I felt that evening when glancing at my new contact was astounding. I couldn't comprehend how this was any more special than texting Sasha to make sure that she didn't eat all of my leftovers.

The exchanging of phone numbers was merely a precaution in case something came up. Apparently Ymir's girlfriend and her friends weren't big on planning. Everything went smoothly though, considering I received not a single word otherwise.

We met in the middle, while the sun was still out I'll mention. I had picked a small family diner just off campus, so it was easily accessible. We sat in a quiet corner with our books and it took all of my willpower to not succumb to Ymir's contagious laziness.

It was difficult keeping a grown, teasing, and hot as hell woman on track. "You don't seem too invested in this whole 'note sharing' idea that _you_ had suggested" I pointed out, though in a playful tone.

"Let me be honest with you right now, blondie" Ymir said, leaning back with an unintentionally seductive look. "This was all a ploy to get you to go out with me. I guess I've been caught in the act, and I'm guilty as charged."

I tried to not laugh, because that would only encourage her further. "Well damn, you fooled me for a while there. I'm tempted to tell your girlfriend about your cheating ways."

She shrugged. "If I'm the only one that considers it a date, it really isn't one, now is it?"

"Ah, the loophole" I said slyly, leaning forward against the table while resting my chin on my palm. She winked, which took me by surprise, and I reared back a few inches.

"Do you hit on all the girls you come across?" I asked, attempting to regain my less serious tone.

"Only the straight ones" she replied, sounding thoroughly honest. "It's fun shooting a rifle as long as you know the bullet's not going to hurt anything."

I bit the inside of my cheek, then smiled. "That's a charming little routine." I reached down to pick up my glass and drink away my internal discomfort. Ymir's analytical gaze could catch on to me at any moment, therefore I was thankful when the waitress threw herself into the temporary, stagnant silence.

Thirty minutes later I found myself scrunching up my nose as Ymir randomly tossed fries at my face. It was amusing, but I dreaded having to clean off the grease that the fried sticks of starch left behind.

"You should have told me beforehand that you wanted to throw fries around. Then we could've just gone to McDonald's" I teasingly complained, throwing over one of my own and chuckling as the brunette expertly dodged the piece of food.

"Sure, but we wouldn't have gotten nearly as many strange looks" she added, thoroughly grinning at the multiple booths of onlookers. She then promptly began to balance a fry on the tip of her nose.

"Do you try to cause a scene wherever you go?" I asked while glancing around slightly nervously.

"Christa, my dear" Ymir addressed, donning an all-business façade as she let the French fry fall from its position perched on her nose. "If you cannot live boldly, while live at all?"

I raised a single brow and snorted in laughter. "That's a bit harsh" I commented, starting to clean up my victimized face with a thin napkin.

"The world deserves harsh" she simply replied, flashing me her signature grin.

* * *

 **AN: I'd love a review, if you've got one to share. And to those who review regularly, you truly are gems~**


	6. A Surprise and Some Cheap Confetti

**AN: It's nice that I check Twitter before heading to sleep, otherwise I wouldn't have uploaded. Damn, you guys got this a day early. You can thank Sarah Urie for retweeting the news that P!ATD released their new song today (or this morning, whatever). So, hell yeah. By the way, if I owned SNK, EreRi would be mega-canon and they'd have multiple babies. Because, science. But I don't own it, so there you go.**

* * *

 _Chapter Six- A Surprise and Some Cheap Confetti_

* * *

My chest constricted and thighs burned as I felt my hair swing against the nape of my neck. Some Fall Out Boy tune blasted through my headphones as I tried to ignore the ache that was growing in the lower half of my body. From how empty the gym was at ten in the morning, I figured that most of the usual occupants were overcoming some serious hangovers on that Friday morning.

There weren't classes the previous day so students had been celebrating the weekend early. As always, I cooped myself up in my dorm to finish my homework instead of panicking over it Sunday evening like most resorted to.

The creaking treadmill was an ideal stress reliever; I huffed out a hot breath as I approached my twenty-fifth minute jogging. I was quickly approaching finals and the nerves had been eating away at my overwhelmed brain. _Maybe I need a distraction?_ I thought, realizing that it was in moments such as these that it would be convenient to have a hobby aside from studying.

I paused my music player as a simple ringtone emanated from my phone that lay against the workout machine. Glancing over at the caller id, I scrunched my brows together and leaned back again. I let my mother's call ring until the phone eventually stilled in silence.

I glanced at the date in confusion, then released a labored sigh. It was the fifteenth; of course she would feel obligated to contact me. It was astounding how I'd forgotten my own birthday for the third year in a row.

Yanking the headphones out from my ears, I halted my session on the treadmill and exasperatedly walked toward the locker rooms. _Fabulous, just what I needed: something else to stress about._

* * *

Somehow my roommate had heard about my birthday while I hadn't even taken note of its existence. Sasha bombarded me that afternoon with unnecessary balloons and a cake that was most definitely for herself rather than me. Her cousin, er boyfriend… Best friend? To put it simply, that Connie kid was there as well and decided to shower my hair with multicolored confetti.

"We can invite Eren, Armin, and Mikasa over tonight too. You should've just told me, Christa! It would have been so much easier. But whatever; this'll be great. I haven't seen Mikasa for two weeks. Apparently she's on the newspaper now?" Sasha rambled as I gradually tuned her out.

It's not as if I disliked her, but she could be a bit much at times. Nevertheless, I smiled politely and nodded along, not forgetting to thank her for the "very kind gesture."

My phone suddenly buzzed, notifying me of a new text. I whipped the device out from my jean pocket in hopes of any way out of my current position. _"Annie's making me get groceries. Come with me. Apparently I suck at finding deals or whatever."_ I couldn't have been happier to hear from Ymir.

 _"Should I look classy? You sure know how to treat a girl"_ I responded with a tiny smirk.

Her response was nearly instant. _"As classy as your fanciest pair of sweats. And you bet, babe. At least I have a car this time."_

I wondered if this is how friends treat each other. It seemed as if we were growing more intimate every time talked, and I wasn't sure whether or not that should intimidate me. It wasn't like I had a ton of friends throughout my life. Relationships had always been a matter of survival rather than anything else, honestly.

I shook my head then redirected my attention back to the rest of the world, informing Sasha that I had another arrangement, and then reassuring her that I would return for her last minute party later.

* * *

 **AN: Alriiiiight, now I have to do some actual writing tonight, lol. How about a bit of motivation in the form of a review, ne?**


	7. To Feel a Heart Falter

**AN: I'm updating early because I'll be gone for most of the week, so here's an early gift.**

* * *

 _Chapter Seven- To Feel a Heart Falter_

* * *

"What's so difficult about grocery shopping?"

Ymir leaned against the cart, physically sulking. She blinked languidly, taking her time to answer my simple question for whatever reason she had mentally constructed. Then she merely shrugged and smirked lazily, and I swear my heart skipped a single beat.

"Nothing really. I get lonely" she droned. I couldn't bring myself to frown, so the corners of my lips faltered into an oddly neutral yet strained position. "Don't act exhausted, blondie. You're obviously using my invitation as an excuse to get out of an unpleasant situation."

"How-" I began, then stopped myself. "Never mind, I don't need to know" I finished in exasperation. Ymir lightly chuckled.

Now, here's a little something about Ymir: she has the body of a goddess, very well knows it, and looks like the type of person that's up for whatever. You would at least expect mildly mature things from her, but it seems she naturally isn't one for stereotypes.

I switched between glancing anxiously at randomly scattered store clerks and reluctantly giggling as the grown woman scootered through aisles on the shopping cart. And at a much faster speed than she most obviously should be going within a Safeway, I will add.

Just to set my anxiety on edge, Ymir would toss items at me from various angles to signal that I should place them in the cart. Of course, it would be much simpler and less risky for her to place them in herself, especially since she was considerably closer to the basket on wheels most of the time.

Honestly, I understood why Annie didn't accompany her childish yet somehow still strangely mature girlfriend. I had thought shopping with my mother was mentally taxing before this.

… And then it was as if a piano had fallen atop my small and dysfunctional brain. Right, my mother, the one who I had yet to call back and it was- I checked my phone- nearly eight at night. In other words, just about eleven in her time zone.

We were nearing the end of our shopping trip; Ymir's list of items was almost completely crossed off. As I halted suddenly and my expression very visibly fell, Ymir definitely took notice and stopped as well.

"Hey blondie, what'd I say?" She asked in a confused and concerned tone.

"N-nothing, it's not you" I quickly said while trying to recover my previous state of composure. She had to ruin this moment too. Why was I so surprised? So thoroughly and regretfully devastated?

I couldn't even imagine the verbal backlash I would receive the next time we spoke. I knew well how distance didn't change people, at least not her. And what excuse did I have? That I was preoccupied by the great friends I'd made here? Should I rub it in her face that I now had such a fantastic fucking life?

 _God, and I call her the cruel one,_ I thought amidst my inner breakdown. My heart clenched and erratically thudded as my brain stuttered onward in unstoppable torment.

Why would I expect anything less than what I was sure I would soon be hearing? I always deserved it in the end. It wasn't like I was ever that great of a daughter. I ran away to the other side of country, for fuck's sake. And I'm still running.

"Christa." The statement was stern, demanding to be acknowledged, yet still filled with that genuine concern. The steady hand on my shoulder seemed to warm my frozen-over body. I hadn't noticed how thoroughly stiff I had grown. My skin must have been pale too; eyes dully fixated on absolutely nothing.

"Look at me, blondie" she prompted again in the same, obsolete tone. There was something oddly parental about the way she handled my mild panic attack. It was comforting, solid, and reassuring.

As the heat from the contact between her palm and my shoulder flowed into my bloodstream, I felt my aching heart restart. I inhaled gratuitous breaths, my pleading lungs expanding in relief from the sudden intake of oxygen.

I blinked myself fully back into reality, grasping Ymir's forearm without even thinking over the action. She didn't budge, but merely held my reanimating body upright.

"Do you need to go home?" Ymir asked after taking note of my gradual recovery.

"I… don't really want to" I quietly responded. I'd been repressing so many emotions since the beginning of the school year that suddenly, I didn't give a single damn about caution or the perfect personality that I had tried to build up and maintain.

"Alright" Ymir simply responded. She didn't even question anything, just quietly came to my rescue like some sort of unidentified superhero. It made me wonder, with a solemn and itching feeling, if she had dealt with these sorts of breakdowns before. Either that be with herself or aiding those around her.

Glancing at her cell phone's clock, she bit her bottom lip and led both me and the cart to the line of cashiers. "Annie shouldn't be home, so you won't have to deal with any uncalled for bitchiness. Just gimme a minute to pay for this stuff and get it to the car."

Ymir paused and caught my increasingly guilty expression. "Relax, blondie. I'm not going to let you deal with your shit alone."

A foreign feeling spread from my chest and up my neck like a gentle thrum. Soon enough I felt it in my fingers and at the tips of my ears. Were people supposed to be this kind? Somehow, I felt, more than ever before, that Ymir was a very special person.

* * *

 **AN: I love being pleasantly surprised while editing a piece that I wrote a little while ago, and rereading this has made me so proud. I'm definitely satisfied with my use of words (for once). If you're as impressed with this chapter as I am, I'd love to hear it.**


	8. Drunk

**AN: Here come finals *sigh* Well, I survived the last four terms, so I'll anticipate the best for this one as well. I don't think I have much else to say this time. My brain is still in a uselessly relaxed mode.**

* * *

 _Chapter Eight- Drunk_

* * *

"You sure you're okay?" Sasha's mildly worried tone rang back from across the speaker.

"Yeah. I'll be at a friend's place for a little bit longer, so don't wait around for me. You guys can eat the cake too. I'm not a huge fan of excessive frosting" I answered politely, yet with a tired hint just so she'd effectively get the message.

As Sasha continued, my eyes wandered around the cozy living room. The space was currently home to Ymir, Annie, and a third roommate who apparently had moved in with her boyfriend but still paid rent. The couple never complained and it didn't seem to bother the elusive roommate, considering it didn't directly hinder her own wallet. _The perks of associating with aloof, wealthy families._

After a few more minutes of vain conversation, I made my escape and ended the call. During that brief period, Ymir had sorted and put away the groceries and was now uncapping a bottle of vodka… And drinking straight from the aforementioned bottle.

"A beer, perhaps?" She prompted after removing the large glass from her lips.

"I'm nineteen" was my eloquently deadpanned response.

The sophomore merely shrugged and replied with a nonchalant "So am I." She then turned back around to face the refrigerator and cupboards, searching for a snack, I would assume.

I paused, interest slightly piqued. "Wait, you're nineteen?"

She nodded without facing me so all I could see was her short, bobbing ponytail. "Yeah, well at least until February. And Annie won't be twenty until March."

"So it's safe to presume that you don't buy all this alcohol yourselves?" I inquired, leaning against their small island countertop.

"No, we do. You'd be surprised at how little our ages are questioned. Well, at least in stores. Bars are another story. I will add, though, that we have generous and very much legal friends too."

I watched as she pulled her head out of a cupboard in glee, then brandished a large bag of frosted animal crackers. I felt one of my brows raise in amusement. She never ceased to humor, and often times, shock me. At my bland expression, Ymir smiled wide and laughed briefly.

"What? Don't criticize me for the types of cookies that I like!" She playfully defended.

"Sure, as long as you don't throw any at me" I replied.

Ymir deviously grinned. "Ah, yes. But I'm sure you've noticed that throwing small parcels of food is one of my many admirable talents."

She must be a sorcerer, or an ethereal being sent to completely screw me over. What other explanation was there for how easily Ymir had charmed me into accepting my first drink of alcohol?

It was bitter and stung on its way down. I felt as if my chest was aflame and yet I didn't care much about the sensation. Nor did I bat a lash when I'd had one drink too many.

It's not like the woman would molest me after seducing my innocent, freshman self into a couple of beers. At least that was my simple and highly unsupported reasoning. I must have slightly decent instincts, because Ymir barely even touched my arm that evening. But she did squeeze out a bit of a story, one that I had never really felt ready to explain.

"Wanna tell me what happened?" Ymir prompted in a tone that oddly resembled my high school counselor's. _She must want to analyze me_ , I tipsily figured. _Whatever._

"I ignored my mom's call this morning" I grumpily answered, leaning back into her couch cushions. _This is some nice fabric_ , I thought while running my fingertips lazily along the material.

"Oh? Is that a big deal?" She questioned with narrowed eyes and a handful of animal crackers. _She really is a wolf. Looks like a kid, or some hot punk chick. But she's a wolf_. My mental ramblings continued and I'm not positive if I ever voiced any of them.

"She gets… pissy. And mean. But I guess it's cool. Like, it's always been like that, y'know? She just blows up and stuff." I sneezed, interrupting my distracted line of speech. "But like, I'm not a great person or anythin'. I up and left at the first chance I saw. Not like I really ever lived with her though…" I trailed off, then gazed blankly at the bottle clutched tightly against my right palm.

"Christa." Ymir's hand was outstretched and she nodded toward my nearly empty bottle. When the lightbulb finally lit within my groggy brain, I slowly relinquished possession of the tinted glass. "I think you've had enough" she stated, more quietly this time.

"I hate birthdays" I blurted while picking at a loose thread on her sofa. "They always stir up shit."

At her lack of response after a few seconds… thirty seconds? A minute? What time was it? Anyways, Ymir said nothing, so I glanced up sullenly. I couldn't imagine how pasty my skin must have looked.

She was watching me unblinkingly with those vibrant golden eyes, calculating. I blinked languidly, pushing my weakened body against the arm of the couch. We looked each other dead in the eyes, and I wondered, if I got too close, would she bite?

"Yer a wolf" I said, resting my chin against the slightly rough fabric.

Ymir merely flashed her teeth, and suddenly the kitchen light seemed very harsh. "Am I?"

* * *

 **AN: Review in the name of yuri?**


	9. Mid Morning Stare Off

**AN: Sorry about the very slight delay. My girlfriend's birthday is coming up so I'm spending a little time on something for her. But it's here, and we briefly hear from Annie. I'm excited, knowing that by the time the next chapter is uploaded, I'll be finished with this term's finals. Until then, Chemistry and Algebra *shudders*.**

* * *

 _Chapter Nine- Mid Morning Stare Off_

* * *

The following morning started off in a hazy and considerably hungover blur. I faded in and out of an unconscious state multiple times, my eyelids only blinking open momentarily before I quickly drifted back under.

For a while the surroundings were dark, and then abruptly there was light. It was gentle at first, filtering in through an indistinguishable window somewhere. Then the rays began to grow brighter and much more obtrusive. Finally my body shook itself from its groggy daze and I steadily woke.

The aftermath of the previous night was odd in various aspects. First of all, when my eyesight gained a decent degree of focus, they were met with the nearly startling yet still considerably docile sight of Ymir's drowsy girlfriend. Annie's half-lidded stare lay steadily on me as she slowly chewed the last remnants of a granola bar, the plastic wrapper clutched between her unmoving fingers.

I blinked at her in mildly surprised silence. Was I an unusual sight, or was this just an average Saturday morning for her, coming out to a randomly unconscious student on her living room sofa?

Like an animal consciously being stalked, I gradually and cautiously started to sit up, noting the slight ache of my biceps and quiet pop of my shoulders. "Rough evening?" Was the first phrase I'd heard from her in a memorably gruff tone.

My tongue was dry and the pounding against my forehead seemed to be very steadily increasing as if someone was turning up the volume to a bass-only beat within my skull. Luckily I found the words in time before I could manage to appear too thoroughly dumbstruck. "Honestly, I can't say I remember too much of it."

Annie continued to watch me blankly and I genuinely wondered if I'd said something strange. _Is she always like this?_ I inwardly panicked. Thankfully, my miniature freak-out didn't last long because the stare-off was soon interrupted by a newly showered Ymir.

Her hair was damp and clung to the back of her neck. Her tan skin seemed to inhumanly glisten and I contemplated how terrible it was for me to be marveling over the brunette when her girlfriend was mere feet away.

"When'd you get in?" She asked without even sparing a glance my way. Annie squared her shoulders and exhaled slowly.

"Three, four, I don't know. Ask Bert; he never drinks much."

"Just curious" Ymir responded with a roll of her eyes. "You didn't happen to bring any food back, did you?"

"What do you think?" Annie deadpanned, shooting the other a very distinct and intimate look.

"But baby, I'm hungry" Ymir whined, drawing out her syllables. She dramatically outstretched her arms and flopped herself atop her girlfriend's back, resting her chin atop the blonde's bedhead.

"You just went shopping. At least you _should_ have."

"That requires _cooking_ and _effort_."

"Oh, so now you're going to complain your way into getting me to cook for you? Should I be providing food for your new friend as well?"

 _Right, I'm here too,_ I remembered in the same instant that Ymir did.

"Blondie" she stated with raised brows. "How's that liquor treating you?"

"Like shit" I blatantly replied, and on queue the bass in my brain drastically increased.

* * *

 **AN: Positive thoughts in my direction so testing goes well, and perhaps a review?**


	10. The Foreboding of the Aftermath

**AN: Hi friends! I finished my finals and now I'm not quite sure what to do with myself, lol. I have to wait until January 4th for the next Steven Universe bomb. Guuuuhhhh, but I want the gay space rock action _now_. If you're not familiar with the fandom, I apologize for that previous statement.**

* * *

 _Chapter Ten- The Foreboding of the Aftermath_

* * *

There were two factors to note about my first walk of shame: a) I did not, in fact, have sex that previous evening, and b) my counterpart was accompanying me on my squinted-eyed and wrinkled-clothed journey back home.

"Oh" Ymir suddenly exclaimed in an irritatingly perky voice. "Happy birthday, by the way."

I couldn't stop the groan that rose up my chest and resonated in my vocal chords. "No, don't" I mumbled, boldly placing my left hand against her lips. "Don't even mention the word. And don't ever get me drunk again, you bastard! The prospect of my word vomit is freaking me out."

Ymir licked my hand and I whipped the limb back to my side as if I had been violently bitten. I watched her in a mesmerized horror for the next twenty seconds while stifling the small part of me that had been slightly excited by the action.

"It's not like you said anything too bad" she answered nonchalantly, maneuvering through the worn-paths mapped out across the snowy campus. "It's not that easy to tear down a mental blockade when the person's been consistently building it up for such a long period."

 _Am I your guinea pig?_ I had the fleeting urge to ask. _Am I just a test subject to prod at? A quilt to unravel thread by singular thread?_

Instead I let her continue; I'd always preferred to keep my mouth shut, even when the glue was finally absent from between my idle teeth.

"But I did learn one significant thing, among many other minor ones." A small chill crept along my spine and I decided to blame it on the frigid temperature. For this next statement, she actually glanced down at me in curiosity. "Your name isn't Christa. At least, you've only started going by it recently."

I exhaled and focused on the steamy puff that drifted and eventually dissipated in front of my face. "Did I say it outright? If so, what a pathetic effort."

"No" Ymir responded simply, continuing her relaxed stroll. "When you're more conscious and alert, like now, you respond to the name without an extra second. But as you became more intoxicated, your reaction times lengthened quite a bit."

I let loose strands of my hair brush against my cheeks as I walked, slightly disheartened at how quickly my little act had been called out. In my defense though, Ymir was above average when it came to puzzle games.

"But I didn't manage to squeeze out your, well, I won't say real name, because it obviously isn't to you. Really though, I'm intrigued now."

"It's Historia" I blandly answered while staring ahead, not particularly focused any one thing. "I've always hated it, but my mother refuses to address me by anything else. It was her mother's name. And for fuck's sake, I've never even met the woman. It's not… I feel like it's never really belonged to me, so moving here was an ideal opportunity to just do away with it."

"Huh, and Christa is-"

"Middle name" I interrupted. "It's the closest to a clean slate I'll ever get."

"Then I get it" Ymir replied, resting her arm across my shoulders. It wasn't a comforting gesture, which I was thankful for. Comfort was the least of what I needed at that moment. It felt more like a sign of comradery, in an odd sort of way. And I was okay with that. It felt like I was starting to actually feel okay.

* * *

 **AN: Heyyy, a review in honor of the fact that I didn't die by stress overload?**


	11. Onslaught of Information

**AN: Happy Holidays, lovelies. This will probably be it until New Year, so here's to 2015. Considering I can now get married in any state, I'd say it's been a decent year. Now to tackle the shit-show that will be the 2016 elections *groans*. But anyways, I should probably state that all I want for Christmas is to make it past twenty-one followers on this story. I feel like it's just been stalled there for weeks now, lol. Hmm, how do I entice the public?**

* * *

 _Chapter Eleven- Onslaught of Information_

* * *

I watched out the window as Ymir walked further away down the sidewalk. I felt a rough brush against my shoulder as Sasha forced herself closer to the pane, squinting against the sun rays to make out the retreating figure.

"That the friend from last night?" She asked, licking excess frosting off her thumb. I frowned as the glass began to fog over from her added breathing. Sasha was quiet for a string of seconds, lost in whatever thoughts went on in that food-crazed head of hers.

Then her back suddenly straightened as she froze in realization. "'s that the sophomore, shit, what's her name?" She yelled the last bit behind her to where that Connie kid sat playing a DS. I'm assuming he stayed over; _yeah, I'm going to go with boyfriend._

"Eh?" He shouted without glancing up. "How do you expect me to know?"

Exhaling softly, I filled in the blank for her. "You mean Ymir?"

"Yeah!" Sasha exclaimed, snapping her fingers. "She's part of that gay group that hangs out a bit off campus-"

"The Queers" Connie added.

"Right" she replied, turning back away from the window. She then narrowed her eyes in my direction, displaying an odd amount of interest in my personal affairs. "Why the hell are you hanging out with them? I mean, if you're having a sexuality crisis, you could've at least turned to the Prides."

"The what?" I furrowed my brows, thoroughly confounded by this time.

"Y'know, that politically correct bunch. They're the human rights campaigners, the Gay Straight Alliance leaders, and all that. They organize Pride events and spread awareness-"

"-And all that shit" Connie interjected again.

Sasha nodded, conspicuously eyeing the remainder of yesterday's cake on the kitchen counter. "The Queers, on the other hand," she continued, "I hear are the rejects. Druggies, dropouts, overall more hostile. I've even heard that one of them is a mob boss or something. Or was is a drug lord? Maybe he's a hitman…?" She trailed off, growing increasingly immersed in her own internal debate.

Connie chewed the inside of his cheek while glaring at the small screen. A boss battle, perhaps. He must have been rather confident in his skills, visible by the fact that he pursued the conversation.

"From what I've seen, they're kinda tight-knit. How'd you get in the group in the first place?" He asked with a multipurpose concentration.

"I… I didn't" I hesitantly answered, still confused about the uncalled for onslaught of information. "It's not like I've met any of Ymir's friends. We just sort of talk and stuff in class."

Sasha blinked at me blankly while chewing; she must have retrieved yet another slice of cake while I wasn't paying too close attention.

"Honestly" I insisted. "And I had no idea there were any 'groups' or whatever. How have you guys heard of this before I did?"

They finally glanced between each other, and around a mouthful of crumbs, Sasha answered "Eren and Mikasa." She swallowed and looked despairingly at the empty plastic case rimmed with slightly melted frosting. "Mikasa's on the school paper, so she gets around. And Eren's always been one for gossip."

"It's not just those two" Connie cut in, setting down the DS with a mildly self-satisfied expression. He must have won the battle. "I hear it in different classes pretty often. And you don't have to look far to find members from either group."

Sasha half-heartedly nodded in agreement, then averted her eyes toward the clock ticking loudly on the pale kitchen wall. "Hey, it's about time for lunch. Pizza, anyone?"

* * *

That evening, as Connie and Sasha continually attempted to shout over each other while playing Mortal Kombat for the second hour in a row, I leaned into the opposite corner of the sofa.

Inquiries over what exactly Ymir was involved in had been eating away at me for the remainder of the day. It's not like I thought she was an untrustworthy criminal or anything. More like, I wondered why she hadn't ever bothered talking about her other friends.

I supposed it was possible that I wasn't important or significant enough to introduce to her main group of companions. And despite how curious I was about both the group itself and why I hadn't previously heard of it, I knew I was too cowardly to ever bring up the subject with the other student.

Then, deciding to replace one stressor with another, I picked up my phone and opened up my missed calls. Breathing deeply, I quietly excused myself from the room, though I had a strong feeling that no one actually heard me.

Walking out into the chilled air, I hesitated with my thumb over the call button. If I waited too long, perhaps my thumb would freeze in place and I would have a legitimate excuse as to why I had yet to call back.

Gritting my teeth against a particularly icy gust, I roughly pressed the button and, slightly shakily, brought the device up to my ear.

My heart stung, and as always it was for reasons I couldn't quite place. After a few rings, she answered. My lips were chapped and cold, and I had the vague sensation of suffocating. My tongue felt extraordinarily dry against the roof of my mouth.

"Hey Mom."

* * *

 **AN: Review in honor of the United States's gradual crawl toward human equality? Wow, that's depressing. A lovely note to end on, I suppose (what even is my life..?).**


	12. Oh So Ill

**AN: The original Chapter Twelve was a bit long, so I spit it into two separate pieces (sorry). But you'll get it later this week, so don't fret. This upload is in celebration of the first day of Steven Bomb. As well as the surprising news that I still have two weeks left until my second semester starts. Huh. And I honestly thought I was going to be struggling with Algebra today *shrugs*.**

* * *

 _Chapter Twelve- Oh So Ill_

* * *

We were creeping closer to February, a new semester already starting off with full force. Although snow still fell regularly, painting our bland town a picturesque white, the consistency steadily began its anticipated decrease. Soon we would be back to the mild warmth of spring.

I was scribbling notes onto my half-filled page, glancing between the marker-dotted board and my sheet of lined paper. While I devoutly copied the necessary information, Ymir inched continually closer.

When I looked in her direction a single time, I noticed that her eyes weren't even focused on me, and yet she still leaned in. I poked the young woman's shoulder, thoroughly fearful that her arm might touch mine, and then quite possibly my chest would explode.

"Hmm?" She mumbled, sleepy yellow eyes suddenly fixated on my own.

I motioned at the lessening space between us, hoping that her psychic abilities would allow her to catch on as quickly as she was capable. And then this gesture, as I am not too surprised, did not end up working in my favor.

I'm assuming she thought the proximity was either irritating or distracting me, and in anticipation of stoking any which fire, she immediately swung over and began to lean very heavily against my right side. I felt the mechanical pencil grasped against my palm begin to bend the slightest as I held in a lungful of air.

Her head, her _stupid_ head was right against mine and then before I could even attempt to regulate my breathing, she started to rub herself against me in a sideways nuzzle. My cheeks and ears weren't the only parts of my body that had flared into a complete and obvious red. No, even my chest felt hot and the sensation was merely intensified by the rapid thumping from within my ribcage.

 _Damn you, Ymir,_ I mentally rambled in horrified humiliation. _Everyone can see me. She'll look and then she'll_ know. _It'll be over after that. Goodbye, straight friend-_

The pressure was abruptly removed and… My greatest fear in that single moment had taken life. Ymir was looking intently at my very flustered form with an unreadable expression. I blinked; her hand shot up into the air.

The professor paused for a moment before addressing the signal for attention, already well accustomed to Ymir's dramatic antics. "Yes?" He calmly inquired.

"Christa is running a fever. I'd like to accompany her home just in case she passes out on the way" she instantly answered. My blush intensified as the general attention of the room was fixated upon me. _And why didn't she run this past me first?_ I thought in loud exasperation.

The professor slowly breathed through his nose, very much tired with the new semester before it had truly begun. "Alright" he simply replied, glancing half-heartedly at the clock above the board. Class would be out in another fifteen minutes, so we wouldn't miss a ton. This fact did not hinder my slight irritation, however.

Ymir took advantage of my initial shock by placing my notes in the textbook and slamming it closed, thereafter shoving the heavy item into my hands. To make a show of our exit, she rested an arm over my shoulders while carrying her supplies with the other, guiding me chivalrously out of the door.

* * *

 **AN: Cheers to gay space rocks and extra writing days!**


	13. Habits

**AN: I apologize. I meant to upload this Friday, but I got caught up in so much... stuff. I've also been super distracted by this past week's Steven Bomb, which was fantastic, I'll add. My girlfriend even watched the entirety of the series so I would have someone to fangirl with. Bless her saintly soul T-T**

* * *

 _Chapter Thirteen- Habits_

* * *

Once we had immerged into the biting chill of the late January afternoon, I held my textbook to my chest and sighed as my shoulders eased down. My face was already cooling off after the embarrassing, yet sort of thrilling turn of events. Now obviously I didn't think I was a delinquent or anything for skipping the last portion of a single class, but the experience was new. I often enjoyed new, I'd come to find.

Small streaks of sunlight spilled onto the frozen surface of the snowy school-grounds, and from where I stood, everything sparkled. Honestly, it was my first white winter and I still wasn't accustomed to how _wet_ the snow was. Why did movies always fail to portray that important detail? I remembered, thankfully, that I was wearing boots that day.

Shifting my text book from one arm to the other, I released a lungful and watched slowly as the cloud of air left my lips and rejoined the atmosphere.

Then my slightly pleasant mood came to a halting and very dead end as two handfuls of snow made contact with both sides of my pink cheeks. The frigid substance pinpricked my flushed skin like a million needles. I squealed out of reflex and cringed back, attempting to retreat into my own body warmth.

Ymir laughed at the unexpectedly girly noise I had released, pulling her hands away moments later. "You looked like you needed help cooling off" she defended, standing back a few paces.

I glared at the taller woman in a way I hoped wasn't too playful, yet I knew it didn't appear to be the least bit threatening to her. "Don't make that face, it's too cute" she nonchalantly said, reaching into her bag.

I was wide-eyed at how easily she called me cute, probably without even realizing the degree of effect it had. "T-then don't ambush me with snow" I finally replied, using the sleeve of my sweater to wipe off the excess water.

Ymir made an amused humming sound, then pulled out an open packet of cigarettes and a lighter. I felt a stone sink in my stomach, crushing a couple of my organs and leaving behind a throbbing ache.

She removed one of the tobacco sticks and prepared to light it. The familiar sensation of dryness took hold of my mouth again, but I felt the urge to fight it, to voice _something_.

"Don't smoke that thing. It's gross and…" Although it was quiet, I could tell that she heard clearly.

Ymir paused, then her animalistic eyes flicked over to me. "And?" She prompted. In those few seconds, it was as if that strange thing happened: she was truly hearing me. Between the playful banter and half-assed remarks, I felt like most of our conversations were lost in the static of the atmosphere. I often wondered if I was a relevant voice in her life; did what I say ever actually matter?

The mere glint in her eyes this time though, they spoke volumes. In that singular instant, my chapped lips felt like diamonds and I couldn't fight back the hope that for once, if even just this once, she _was_ listening.

"You should know" I continued to my own surprise, "It does no good for you. You shouldn't be familiarizing yourself with death at such a young age."

Ymir let the lighter go out and a somberly bemused expression graced her features. She leaned back the slightest, old snow crunching beneath the shift in weight. Her effortless air of dominance set me back for a second, and I had to remind myself that there was no reason to be intimidated into silence. "Are you concerned about me, blondie?"

I gripped the hem of my sweater and stood tall while my left hand quivered a bit. Speaking up was… Odd. Though I didn't mind the adrenaline that accompanied the act. "I'd be concerned about anyone so blatantly throwing their health away" I answered in the most confident tone I could muster.

She snorted in that frighteningly dry form of laughter of hers, and then neatly placed the unlit cigarette back into its case. She directed a strong, harsh gaze at me, as if she was screaming _"You haven't even reached the tip of the iceberg."_ I should have listened.

But then Ymir's expression smoothed, and she opened her mouth in that wolfish manner. She simply stated, "Okay."

I nearly blurted a dumb _"What?"_ After hearing her reply. The growing tightness in my throat loosened in that moment, and a rapid gust of wind blew against the nape of my neck. My skin prickled against the sudden and unavoidable chill.

* * *

 **AN: I haven't heard from a few of you for awhile. How is everyone?**


	14. We All Like Free Food

**AN: Sorry, because of a trivial issue that ended up greatly disappointing me today, I'm not really in the mood to write a cheery little note. Here's a short chapter though.**

* * *

 _Chapter Fourteen- We All Like Free Food_

* * *

Ymir madly clicked the eraser of her mechanical pencil against the surface of her desk, watching with a half-lidded stare as the classroom clock clicked ever closer to our release time. As seconds passed, the constant clicking grew faster and louder. I glanced over in mild surprise at her unusual degree of impatience. "Have somewhere to be?" I muttered, well within earshot.

"No" she calmly replied in a harsh contrast to her current and spastic actions.

I raised a brow momentarily, then ran my fingertips beneath my notebook in preparation to close it. _Maybe this is good. She'll be in too much of a hurry and I'll have an excuse as to why I didn't ask her out,_ I mentally rationalized, an erratic thump interrupting my steady heartrate.

Sasha and her small group were complaining that they still hadn't met my "lesbian friend." I had no clue as to what had them so riled up. _Isn't Eren gay? Why's this such a huge deal?_

The bell suddenly rang from out in the hall and Ymir was up within the next second. She swung her bag over her shoulder and sauntered towards the exit at an unusually quick pace.

"Wait" I blurted, biting my tongue immediately after. _Fantastic_. For once I had an excuse, and I completely wasted it with a single, stupid syllable.

She turned around, still looking rather relaxed and composed. "I mean, uh, if you really don't have anywhere you need to be. It'll just take a moment" I rambled, still firmly seated.

She glanced half-heartedly at our retreating classmates, then gave a slight shake of her head. "My only plans were to get shit-faced drunk. And although I'd like to get to it as quickly as possible, I can spare a minute or two" she honestly answered, taking a few steps back over.

I blinked at her bluntness, though I really shouldn't have been even partially surprised by her characteristic demeanor by this point. The one thing that nagged at me for the small period after was how tired she looked. Even more depressing was how easily she hid it. I always managed to unconsciously look beneath the surface, unfortunately.

Maybe she had fought with her girlfriend again. They seemed to do that quite often. Or perhaps she was having school-related problems. In the end though, I supposed that it wasn't truly my concern if she didn't feel obliged to share.

"Alright" I simply acknowledged. "Well I hate to put you in this annoying situation, but my friends have been absolutely _dying_ to meet you." My tone was dreary and effectively portrayed my pre-exhaustion.

"You have friends?" Was her blank, initial reply.

I released a single, dry chuckle. "Who would've thought, huh?"

Ymir snorted and ran a few fingers through her tussled hair. "Humor aside, sure. But if it involves food, which I expect it will, you're paying."

"Of course" I answered without hindrance. She gave a small smirk.

"Text me later" she said in a low tone, finally able to make her escape.

I grabbed the straps of my bag and stiffened before rising out of my seat. Outside the windowpane, the accumulated snow was melting into a messy and much less appealing slush. Exhaling through my nose, I briefly had a solemn, poetic thought: _shit_.

* * *

 **AN: I hope everyone's weekend has been okay. I start school again on Wednesday so... yay.**


	15. Bite Your Tongue

**AN: Well, there's one week of this semester checked off, lol. Now if only I didn't have to continue taking Chemistry.**

* * *

 _Chapter Fifteen- Bite Your Tongue_

* * *

"He's short" she stated from my right, eyes intently locked onto Connie.

I elbowed Ymir in the side as my small group of friends continued toward the booth that I was already seated in. Luckily they were still too far to hear anything from us.

"Can you _please_ monitor your bluntness, just this once?" I asked quietly, nervously awaiting the evening ahead. She made a dissatisfied _"che"_ noise in response. I rolled my eyes and hoped that the sound signaled some degree of compliance.

"Christa!" Sasha exclaimed with a grin, already eying one of the menus before seating herself. I nodded and gave everyone a decently polite "hey" as they crammed themselves into the corner booth.

Accompanying my roommate were Connie, Armin, Eren, and Mikasa. I was surprised that the last even came, considering how busy she'd been with juggling her new writing position and schoolwork.

"And uh, Ymir, right?" Sasha continued, removing her eyes from the menu for a moment.

"I think so" the older woman replied, glancing in my direction for reassurance. I shot her a very pointed look, then smiled brightly at the others.

"Excuse her jokes. She seems to think she's funny" I stated, the corners of my mouth still twitching upwards. I prepared for a retort, but instead was met with a blank, yet mildly confused expression.

I felt my voice suddenly die and wondered what had garnered that reaction. Luckily the students across from us didn't think much of our interaction, and Connie quickly interjected.

"What English class do you have?" Connie asked, looking directly at me.

"Standard" I responded, leaning forward slightly.

It was eight o'clock on a Thursday so the restaurant was relatively quietly. It was slightly unusual not having to talk over a hundred different voices. The tinted overhead light swayed a bit, and I entertained the notion that another of the state's infamous mini earthquakes was occurring.

Mikasa had instinctively leaned closer to her adoptive brother, preparing to voice something exclusively to him. I reminded myself that I needed to shake away these minute distractions in order to focus on Connie's inquiries.

"So the same course material" he concluded, looking considerably relieved. I raised my brows in question, already gaining an idea of what he needed. "Uh, I sort of… misplaced the notes that are required for our next essay."

"Don't lie" Sasha loudly interrupted as Connie frowned with a flustered expression. "You weren't even taking notes in the first place."

They appeared ready to go at it. When the two fought, nothing else within their surroundings existed. They were as extravagant, boisterous, and downright destructive as they felt need be. But before an all-out war could break out, Mikasa's monotone voice cut through the familial tension.

"If it's notes you need, then just make it easier altogether. Twenty bucks and I'll write the essay for you." Within her stony expression laid an unwavering determination. I have no clue why this frightened me as much as it did.

Armin gaped for a moment, sticking up a finger. "I-I don't think that's a good idea. It's a breach of academic integrity, and Connie doesn't learn anything in the process."

"Yes, but I make money."

"M-Mikasa" the blonde attempted to argue, though his body unconsciously slid further back from the table and into the cushion of the seat. He appeared to be battling with himself over whether or not the disagreement was worth the stress.

"It's okay, guys. I'll give Connie my notes" I said with a bland smile. Turning back to the topic of our conversation, I gave him a reassuring nod. "You can pick them up at the dorm whenever you have time."

As I felt the rising storm in the atmosphere begin to qualm, Ymir suddenly shot up from her seat and moved to stand at the end of the table. I shot her a discreet _"What the hell?"_ look, which she calmly ignored with an eerily polite smile.

"My apologies, but I need to use the restroom" she promptly stated. Then looking directly at me, the left corner of her mouth twitched up the slightest. "Christa, may I ask for your assistance?"

By this time, I was thoroughly prepared to throw my hands up in surrender. "What the actual fuck, Ymir? Do you realize how creepy that sounds?"

My lips remained parted for a couple of seconds after, then with the impenetrable silence that followed, I felt a searing hot panic begin to rise up my throat. I didn't dare turn around and look at everyone's faces. I doubted there was single person seated that had even heard me curse before this. _Shit._

I simultaneously bit my tongue and grinned. "I mean, sure. Whatever you need, _Ymir_." Rising slowly, I inhaled a deep, and what I hoped to be, calming breath. I walked straight past her, the regret and dread already beginning to set in.

* * *

 **AN: Sorry about Eren not really doing anything. I'm still working on figuring out his personality, aside from his titan-crazed canon version. Review? I feed off of them like a leech to blood. My analogies are surely the most elegant.**


	16. Restrictions

**AN: All I can think about is how Ymir STILL ISN'T BACK IN THE MANGA. I just want to know if my waifu is okay.**

* * *

 _Chapter Sixteen- The Restrictions of the Human Perspective_

* * *

I closed the door to the single person bathroom behind us, struggling to maintain a passive expression. The door clicked loudly when it shut, a harsh contrast to the momentary quiet that followed. "Why" I stated, "did you feel the need to do that?"

The leaking faucet drew out the next few seconds as each small drip seemed to echo within the small space. I expected at least some sort of explanation from Ymir, but the blatant retaliation shocked me. "Oh, _I'm_ the one acting out of place? I thought these were your friends!"

Leaning back against a wall, I blinked through the dim lighting. "What?" I spluttered, then crossed my arms over my chest in a self-dignified way. "They are. What are you going off about?"

Ymir snorted dryly while standing across from me in a pose that would seem nonchalant to anyone peering in. "Now I'm wondering if I'm the one person in existence that you actually act like this around."

I stared at her blankly, perplexed. _Huh, I thought she would have figured it out by now_. I crinkled the hem of my shirt by grasping and releasing the material sporadically. "You realize I never meant to get this comfortable around you, right? That, out there, is what Christa was supposed to be. But my plan's starting to get all screwed up, and I'm damn well going to blame you!" I exclaimed. Then I groaned at the continuous onslaught of unwanted emotions, sinking even lower against the rough wall. "Now because of my freaking outburst, they're going to know what a bitch I am."

It was as if every detail she'd been missing before had suddenly been absorbed within a matter of seconds. It must work like a light switch inside her complex brain; her natural perception was almost something to fear. Ymir's initial confusion was beginning to melt off of her expression, and she reverted back to her normal, calculating behavior. "You're wrong. Even if they took notice of any extreme difference in your personality, they'll brush it off."

"Why are you always so sure of this crap?" I questioned in frustration.

She leaned back against the heels of her feet. "Because I _know_ this crap." She brushed her hair back and stuck her hands into her pockets, retaining a calm and self-confident stance. "They'll mark it off as a bad mood. They'll automatically think you're hungry, or tired, or on your period. That's what we're subconsciously and socially trained to do. As harsh as it sounds, it's simply because they don't care. I mean, not enough to look past the surface of someone else's actions, at the very least."

I chewed my bottom lip while soaking in her words. I didn't doubt her, as per usual. It was very likely that I would never be questioned about it. So I breathed deeply and closed my eyes.

The mellow chatter from outside barely pushed past the restroom's plaster barriers. While I had been fretting over my crumbling sense of a false identity, the world kept turning. Time was uncaring like that, I supposed.

"I still don't know why you stick around. I understand being able to deal with Christa, but as Historia continues to seep through… I honestly don't get it, Ymir. You know I have a worthless personality. It can barely even be called a personality at all."

I heard her take a small step back. She was probably looking me up and down, taking in every detail of my posture and expression. "It's more of a personality than you think. Sure, you're a bitch at the core, but I've always been attracted to the most honest people."

I opened my eyes and released a breathless laugh. "You're terrible at answering questions straight-on."

"Am I?" She inquired with genuine interest. "Then how's this? Being incapable of shaking you off makes things much more entertaining."

"That's rather blunt of you" I replied calmly, pushing myself off from the wall.

She grinned in an almost solemn manner. "Yeah, I can agree with you on this one."

* * *

 **AN: A haiku for everyone-**

 _ **Yuri is my life.**_

 _ **I need more canon Ymir,**_

 _ **And a review too.**_


	17. Party Trick

**AN: This is just one of those longer chapters that I can't split up. This was edited and uploaded upon request, otherwise I probably would have waited until the end of this week. Wowza, I am so sick, and I have so much schoolwork tomorrow. Someone send me their good vibes so I don't melt from stress.**

* * *

 _Chapter Seventeen- Party Trick_

* * *

"Was it really so surprising? The way I am around them, I mean" I asked, hovering near the door. Ymir tilted her head.

"It was at first. I guess I had just expected something different. But thinking it over more thoroughly, it makes sense. You've been doing this your entire life, right? I can't see why you would suddenly be honest now."

"Wow, you're on a roll this evening" I blandly observed. I rested my hand against the metal knob. "Alright, if that's it, try not to be such a freak this time."

"Oh sure, I can try" she said in a noncommittal tone.

I rolled my eyes and yanked the heavy door open.

* * *

Ymir was right, and as much at it irked me to admit it at times, in this instance I was grateful. Everyone seemed to assume that whatever minor problem I'd been dealing with had been settled by the time we got back. So the evening moved forward in an unexpectedly smooth manner.

"So you're a sophomore?" Armin asked. Ymir sipped her water and gave a subtle grimace for probably the fifth time. Throughout the entirety of the meal, she'd been forlornly eyeing the bar, but restricted herself to ice water. It looked as if the decision physically pained her.

"Yeah" she answered. Then predicting the path this inquiry was taking, added, "I'm in the first year history because I rearranged my schedule last year. I didn't have room for a psychology class, so I replaced history with it. This year I had space for both, though."

Armin nodded and Sasha perked up. "Wait, are you some sort of psychic?" She exuberantly asked.

"A psychologist isn't the same as a psychic, idiot" Connie corrected in a mocking and condescending tone. Sasha frowned back at him and looked prepared to smack him straight in the face.

"But she kind of is a psychic" I gently added, recalling how terrifyingly observant the older woman could be.

"Whoa, seriously?" Sasha exclaimed, breaking away from the intense stare she had been sharing with Connie. "Do something psychic-y then."

Ymir cocked a brow and continued to sip thoroughly at her water. It was practically just ice by this time. "Uh, sure. I guess I can."

I'd noticed her watching how everyone moved, talked, and behaved. It was obvious that she was reading their every, single action. Though whether it was on purpose or simply out of habit, I couldn't distinguish.

"You failed a final this past term" she stated less than a minute later. Her shoulders were relaxed, eyes grazing our surroundings lazily. She was completely confident in her observation.

Sasha's eyes widened a fraction. "Yeah. Did Christa tell you?"

"No" Ymir replied simply, already beginning to mentally tick off the points that led up to this conclusion. "You have distinctly dark circles under your eyes. Either the stress keeps you awake or you've made it routine to stay up and finish homework. All night you've been glancing down at your phone, but only to see the time. I've picked up that you're not one for time management, so obviously this is a new issue.

"The fact that you're even here is due to the mercy of your professor. If you had to retake the course, you would probably be at a night class. Instead they're letting you retake the final. But again, studying, and extra work that you are not accustomed to.

"Also, you've had smudged lead on your right wrist. It must be tough juggling regular schoolwork and material from a class that you were supposed to finish two months ago."

She leaned down to take another sip, but frowned in disappointment upon realizing that the ice had barely melted. The entire table was quiet for moments on end, probably wondering if it was even worth entertaining the notion of doubt when it came to Ymir's "psychic abilities."

"Holy shit" Sasha finally responded. "Have you always been like that?"

I was mildly surprised that she had accepted that onslaught so easily. Then again, Sasha never was one to be taken thoroughly aback.

"Pretty much" Ymir replied, shrugging nonchalantly. "I used to piss my mom off by pointing out things that she didn't want me mentioning. I guess it's hard to imagine seeing things otherwise."

"Huh" Armin huffed, being the most intrigued by her little display than anyone else.

Meanwhile, I was astounded that Ymir had mentioned her mother. Before this, I hadn't heard a single word indicating that she even had a family. This brought about the nagging thought that maybe there was a reason why she tended to stay away from the topic.

"I feel like you weren't very popular in high school" Mikasa stated blatantly.

Ymir laughed in an unoffended fashion. "You know, I would've thought so too. But it turns out, I make for a great party trick."

I turned towards her, an odd sense of worry bubbling in the pit of my stomach. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, people used to get me high at parties. Then they'd give me a pencil, some paper, and two random topics. I'd come up with the most obscure theories that related the two. Annie hated it, but I never really minded."

I resisted the urge to bite my lip. Imagining a group of idiotic teens using Ymir as their own personal entertainment made my blood boil. I couldn't figure out why exactly it stirred me up so much, yet I had to struggle to contain the negative emotions. "Oh" I simply said, almost wishing it hadn't been brought up in the first place.

* * *

 **AN: Hope you survive the rest of the week. Expect another upload by the fourteenth.**


	18. The Kid With the SUHA Sister

**AN: I wrote way too much last night and put my brain on overdrive. I think I need to sleep for the next decade because of my unwise decision. Wake me up when canon Ymir's back.**

* * *

 _Chapter Eighteen- That Kid With the Stick-Up-Her-Ass Sister_

* * *

I waved to the five retreating forms as Ymir and I stood outside of the strip mall. The campus was in walking distance and it was nearing ten o'clock. Mikasa always felt uncomfortable when Eren was out late, Armin was falling behind on an honors project, and Sasha had an essay due the next morning. That led me and my initial companion idling under the shop lights.

"I want ice cream" Ymir suddenly said, turning to walk in the opposite direction.

"Wait" I spluttered, pulling the top of my coat higher to cover my mouth. "It's like, forty degrees out here."

"I'm sure the shop's heated" she answered lightly while continuing forward tirelessly. Stuffing my hands deeper into my pockets, I sighed in early defeat. The only option was to trek along the sidewalk behind her.

Ymir barged into what must be the only Cold Stone in the country still open at ten in the evening. The two college students behind the counter looked up slowly with tired expressions. They seemed to have settled for the worst shift.

"Christa" Ymir exclaimed, rounding on me. "What do you want?" I frowned and squinted at the glass container covering the ice cream. _If you don't get something, she's going to pout at you for the next half hour._

I held back an internal groan. "Vanilla" I answered.

"That's so lame" she deadpanned, a pure look of disappointment targeted at me. I rolled my eyes at her usual dramatics.

As my pink cheeks absorbed the warmth of the heated building, I glanced around the nearly empty small space. There were red tables for two and scattered Cold Stone ads plastered to the walls. The atmosphere was comfortable.

I sauntered away and sat at a table, then tapped my too-short-fingernails against the smooth and, for the most part, clean surface. I felt the blood in my palms begin to pump again and I wondered how long it had been since winter came around.

Back home there should be sunny days, starless nights, and weekend beach visits. Late January meant nothing when then were only two seasons: unbearably hot summer and chilly, gray spring.

A small pink and white bowl of ice cream slid across the small expanse of the table and halted against my now unmoving fingers. I stopped chewing the inside of my cheek, briefly attempting to remember when I had started doing it in the first place.

As Ymir quietly sat across from me, I was mildly surprised by her lack of teasing. Usually she felt the need to comment when I got lost in my ever-shifting train of thought.

"I swear I know that kid" she said in mellow determination. She didn't seem to be looking at anything in particular, so I glanced around in confusion.

"Who? One of the employees?" I questioned with brows knit together.

"No. The, uh… The one with the stick-up-her-ass sister. Aaron?"

"Oh" I realized, "Eren. Wait, you know him?" I asked. I leaned forward to scrape a little bit of ice cream off the top of the overly massive mound with my spoon.

"I'm pretty sure I've seen his face before" she mumbled, deep in thought.

"Have you thought, just maybe, that you've seen him around campus?"

"No, I'd remember that."

I sighed in exasperation. "Oh, you'd remember a passing encounter but not if you've actually met him? Ymir, how does that even work?"

Her eyes flickered back over to me. "Don't question my complicated brain. Fuck, this is going to bother me. I should ask Annie" she rambled, reaching down for her phone. Retrieving it, her finger hovered over a key and sat frigid as if she was experiencing the most mind-blowing epiphany.

"I remember" Ymir announced, straightening up almost violently and shaking the table. Her mountain of pure chocolate and multicolored sprinkles nearly slid off the unsteady surface. "He was at Levi's once. I have no clue why. Maybe he's secretly a druggie" she contemplated to herself.

"Ymir, you can't just go saying that about people." Her sideward glance told me that it had just dawned on her that I was still present. _Are you kidding me?_ "Whatever" I said in forfeit, preparing myself to scarf down the ice cream that I still didn't really want.

* * *

 **AN: Review before my anxiety murders me this week? Thaaanks.**


	19. February Sixth

**AN: I've noticed that I move through this story in small arcs, and it looks like we're starting another one with this chapter. Plus, angst: my favorite thing in the entire world. Seriously, I have freaking Ayano Tate-ANGST-yama as my profile picture.**

* * *

 _Chapter Nineteen- February Sixth_

* * *

The eleven A.M. sunrays protruded from the bedroom's windows and assaulted my eyes from behind my heavy lids. I'd been in a fitful state of groggy consciousness, unwilling to get up even after hours had past.

I had checked my phone at eight, prematurely celebrating that it was Saturday. Once I noted the date however, my heart instinctively sank and I curled back up into the blankets.

I tried to imagine a screen of gray playing against the back of my eyelids to block out the increasingly old memories. For a reason unknown to me, I could hold myself and my thoughts back all year. But when the anniversary rolled around, I cracked.

Ten minutes labored past and Sasha poked a worried head in, confused as to why I hadn't woken early like usual. "You feeling okay?" She asked tentatively.

I slowly sat up against the mass of pillows to blink blearily at her from the far side of the room. "Yeah, I'm just… I think I'll be in bed a while longer."

"Oh, alright" she said, a little taken aback. "Call me if you need something."

I mustered a pathetically small smile. "Sure. Thanks."

I settled back into the sheets, and then without much notice, the morning faded to afternoon and I felt my brain give into a relieving blankness. Sometime after two o'clock I got up to use the bathroom, then made and ate a peanut-butter sandwich.

The sun sank even lower in the sky and still I couldn't muster the motivation to accomplish a single thing. A half hour before five, I received a text from Ymir. _"Guess who finally got Modern Warfare 2."_

 _"I'm assuming you"_ I texted back after staring at the bright screen for an entire minute.

 _"Want to come over and test it out with me?"_ She sent back.

I sank further into the mattress and groaned. _"I'm really not a gamer"_ I typed out, then paused. Inhaling a labored breath, I deleted the statement and started again. _"Okay. I'll be there around eight."_

While waiting for her affirmation, I set an alarm. Yes, my current mental state was the equivalent of absolute crap, but maybe Ymir stood a chance against the pain that this day always unearthed. So I held onto this hope and attempted to drift back into a more refreshing sleep.

* * *

" _I spent a week's worth of job money on a damn bus ticket. Why's your hospital so freaking far from the academy?" I complained, throwing my schoolbag onto an open visitor's seat. The air smelled like cheap cleaning products and dust. I felt oddly uncomfortable with the lack of smoke assaulting my airways._

 _The unshaven man laughed hoarsely from the complicated contraption of a bed. "You act like you're going to go hungry because of it" he taunted, not even trying to sit up like the last time I had visited._

 _"College money is still important, you bastard" I shot back moodily, sitting in the last open chair. It was old, stained, and fairly uncomfortable. But it still wasn't as bad as the public transport I'd spent over an hour in._

 _"That's right, you've got dreams too big for your own head" he said quieter. I rolled my eyes and crossed my legs, irritated at the chill of the ventilation on my bare thighs. "Cute uniform, Doll. Have I already seen this one before?"_

 _"Gross" I retorted, well within earshot. "I thought the cancer was in your lungs, not your brain. And I told you to stop calling me that."_

 _"Don't blame me, I'm old" he replied in an innocent tone._

 _I glanced down at my feet and bit the inside of my cheek. "No, you're barely even thirty" I mumbled._

 _The atmosphere suddenly felt stagnant as if someone had already died. Unlike the hallways I'd passed through to get here, my uncle's area was void of any holiday decorations. I would have brought some festive flowers if they weren't such a cruel reminder of how fast life can be snuffed out._

 _"You going home for Christmas, Historia?" he asked in a less playful voice._

 _I looked up and put on my poker face. "No. I'll be taking on extra shifts, plus I have a ton of honors assignments that I need to work on over break. I can't… think when she's around. You know she isn't going to mind my absence anyway. It'd just be even more awkward if I was there."_

 _He stared up at the ceiling for dull second upon dull second. Hail pounded against the single, curtained window. I wondered if we both stood outside at this moment, would either of us feel the sting? He must be immune to the sharp pains by this point. But it's his fault, anyway. It's entirely his fault._

 _"We both know that your mother is complicated, but that's no excuse to run from your problems" he eventually responded._

 _I balled my fists and swallowed the burning emotion that had risen like acid in the back of my throat. "What do you mean? Run like you did? You smoked to drown out the world, Vern. Why would you expect any different from me? Everyone knows we're both the same, especially Mom. That must be why she hates me. I'm just like… you."_

 _I don't cry. It's a trivial process that wastes both time and energy that can be asserted elsewhere. But every once in a while, my eyes would water and an internal panic would rise. Displays of emotion are no good, I know this. Yet it got increasingly harder to hold back despite the reasoning I used on myself._

 _"You gotta cry, Doll. You gotta let it out" Vern said quietly._

 _"I can't" I argued, hearing the sharp crack in my own voice. I bit down on my trembling lip. My uncle was the only person in the world that I'd ever been honest with. At least around him, I knew I could release words of defeat in place of tears._

 _"As soon as I cry, it becomes real" I choked out. I scrunched the hem of my uniform skirt between my fists. "I don't want to be like you, you stupid bastard. I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to just die without accomplishing anything" I wailed._

 _"I hear you" he softly consoled._

 _"Just wait, you freaking jackass." I hiccupped and curled within myself, bringing my knees up to my chest. "I'm going to make it to California. And I'll do something worthwhile. Just you wait. You gotta stick around, at least that long."_

 _The stinging in the corner of my eyes began to blur my vision, and not long after, the tears started to fall like a summer storm._

* * *

 **AN: Review? Maybe I'll manage to get the next chapter up before I leave town this weekend. *shrugs* I'm such a lazy blob of mass.**


	20. When December Left

**AN: Look who was a week late. *coughs and glances away* Definitely wasn't me. Eyyy, a new chapter though.**

* * *

 _Chapter Twenty- When December Left_

* * *

 _First, he was a massive cloud of smoke. When he stayed for an evening, I couldn't get the smell out of my room for at least a month after. He was crude and sarcastic. He voted for Democratic nominees and had shouting matches over the phone with his "coworkers." He was that one deranged uncle that switched between odd jobs like an indecisive cat. Whenever he dared show his face in my dim and quaint home, my entire foundation was shaken loose. I despised him for it._

 _"Would you make me some dinner, Doll?" Vern asked from the old couch, eyes still glued to the television. I was nine years old and he had already left an ashtray on my bookshelf._

 _"Feed yourself, lowlife" I snarled back. "And don't call me that!"_

 _It wasn't until I was ten that the relationship between us changed. One morning I woke up to an absent mother, and in her place was my creepy uncle Vernon with a cold bag of McDonald's fries._

 _When I emerged into the kitchen, perplexed, he was lighting a new cigarette and sifting through my mom's mail. "That's gross, and I'm going to die from secondhand smoke" I immediately stated._

 _"Oh, morning Doll" he had greeted while completely blowing off my words like they were merely specks of dust that barely managed to catch a glimmer of sunlight. "Here's breakfast" he said cheerfully, indicating towards the grease-stained paper bag._

 _I stuck up my nose and glowered at the much taller man. "If you're going to poison me, at least make it look appetizing beforehand."_

 _"What the hell? Like you're important enough that I'd need to go the trouble of offing you."_

 _It was at that moment, when he'd sunk to my intellectual level in order to match my degree of absolutely not giving a shit, in which my view of him began to shift._

* * *

The small dinner and shower had allowed me to compose myself to a moderate extent. Walking outside in the slush also aided in breathing life back into my reluctant body. It was already dark when I left the dorm, and the temperature dropped before I even reached Ymir's home.

I wished the sky wasn't such a blandly gray canvas that night, devoid of any stars. The empty sidewalk probably would have felt much less eerie if I'd had the moon's glow shining through the dark atmosphere.

Despite how on edge I physically and mentally was, the walk over didn't feel too long. When I approached Ymir and Annie's door, I had second thoughts about the plans I'd made for the evening.

It was entirely possible that I could have another break down. _Maybe I should've just stayed in bed like I'd planned_ , I thought nervously. There was no reason to tarnish my crumbling image even further.

And yet my body took action on its own, knocking against the cold wood. I didn't have time to panic before Annie's perpetually bored face was glaring back at my own. "Oh, it's you."

* * *

 _Of course, he was an awful caretaker. At my refusal to eat his offering, he simply drove me to a Denny's instead. I was dumbfounded as to what his motives could be. For a bit of context though, my family had never been the best at displaying compassion. From every angle I experienced only selfish ambition. So for some insane, older man to try his hardest to please me, it was strange, to say the least._

 _That day he also took me to a theater, and I couldn't restrain the foreign emotions swirling in the pit of my stomach throughout the entire time. On the drive home he rambled about politics and only God knows what, seemingly unaware that the guest in his passenger seat was a ten year old._

 _Then before my eyes, years flew by. The occasions in which I saw him were few and far between, especially once I was sent off to boarding school. But every time I was with Vern, he never failed to talk with me like no one else ever had before._

 _Eventually, the adult nonsense he spewed began to actually make sense. I felt like I was rolling down a grassy hill; gradually gaining momentum until I hit the bottom. And suddenly my head was spinning._

 _I'd found who I thought to be the most honest person alive, and as I built up my façade in school, he kept the blunt piece of me alive. I wouldn't be wrong in saying that Vern was my first, and only, real friend._

 _But then the cancer came, and soon enough there were no more spontaneous lunches. No school days spent sneaking off to Six Flags. As if it were all at once, white walls and distant family members appeared out of seemingly nowhere. I would blink, and he would have three more wires hooked up to his immobile body. My grandparents had the money to treat him, but nothing ever worked._

 _That last winter, it didn't snow. In October I trailed after my mother in a solemn procession, brandishing bright yellow flowers at the end. They died within a week. In November I made a scene at the hospital and had to be escorted out of the room by nurses. In December I cried after having held it in for over two years. In January I turned sixteen, and wished that December had never left._

 _In February he died, and time stood still for two weeks._

* * *

 **AN: THE POWER OF YURI COMPELS YOU... To review. But like, have a lovely day and stuff too.**


	21. Just This Once

**AN: This is late because my rabbit died last week. It was a little bit sudden and she's been my piece of home for the past two years and... a half? Anyway, I only had enough energy to deal with schoolwork, let alone editing and writing. But I'm back. Also, a small message at the end because more people seem to read the bottom notes over those at the top.**

* * *

 _Chapter Twenty One- Just This Once_

* * *

"Oh, it's you."

 _What the hell is that supposed to mean?_ I immediately thought, reverting into a mental state of emergency. _How can she already hate me?_

Annie's naturally harsh expression stared back at me from the doorway. I had unintentionally taken a step back as she continued to look forward blankly. My hands fidgeted from inside my coat pockets. "Nice to see you again?" I responded, wishing it hadn't come out at as a question.

Then she yanked the door open further and stepped aside as the yellow light from inside spilled out across the cement porch. "Ymir is in the living room stuffing her face with pizza."

"O-okay" I replied, taking the gesture as permission to enter. Stepping in and slipping off my coat, I mused about how decent my social skills seemed in comparison to Annie's. I supposed I understood why she would need a partner like Ymir who is willing to step forward and make human interaction.

The other blonde walked past me and paused at the end of the entryway. "Just a warning when it comes to playing anything with Ymir: she'll go easy on you at first, then obliterate you as soon as she finds the first opportunity."

I released a light laugh. "Thanks, but I'm so bad at video games that her strategies won't make much of a difference." I swear she smiled the slightest before disappearing into the shadow of the hallway leading to her bedroom.

I turned in the opposite direction and caught Ymir scarfing down a slice of pizza with at least five different toppings. She was sitting cross-legged on the floor with a textbook opened in front of her. _Huh, so she does study._

"Babe, what the crap is stoichiometry?" Ymir asked without looking up, assuming that I was her now absent girlfriend.

"Shouldn't you have figured that out in basic Chemistry?" I retorted, moving closer and settling on the couch in front of her.

"Christa" she addressed, finally looking up in surprise. Then glancing at the clock, a light bulb must have flickered to life above her head. "Oh, right." Ymir then switched her expression to a slightly bashful grin. "Guess I should've paid a bit more attention in high school" she said with a chuckle.

She marked her place with a piece of paper and closed the textbook. Ymir rose from her position on the floor, nearly empty cardboard pizza box in one hand, textbook in the other. She set both on the counter in the kitchen and promptly pulled out a can of beer. The click of thin metal breaking resounded and I leaned against the back of her sofa.

"I think I'll take one too" I stated blandly, glancing around the room half-heartedly.

She stood rigid for a moment, perhaps surprised. But quickly shook it off and maneuvered back to the refrigerator. "When'd you stop being so uptight?" Ymir asked, handing me the cold can.

I released a punctured breath, maybe it was supposed to have been a laugh. "Oh trust me, I'm still an ass, but just this once…"

"Alright" she replied, already starting up her game console. I stared down at the drink. Nothing really phased Ymir, and I guess I liked that about her.

* * *

 **AN:** I was hit with this horrible reminder this evening that **just because someone may be invested in yuri and equal love for _lesbians,_ they can still be blatantly homophobic** because of this awful patriarchal society that we fester in. So **I want to make this clear** , even if my current platform is quite small, that **I am equal to every other human in this world**. If you want to fawn over lesbians, **write/read/consume yuri content** , then **you have no right to undermine gay men**. This is **the same for my trans brothers and sisters** as well. If you want to be a part of this movement, and trust me when I say we need all the help we can garner, then **you better fucking be in it for _everyone_**. Discrimination of any fashion is absolutely **unacceptable**. Now go off and enjoy your day, muffins.


	22. Tensions

**AN: Yay, Spring Break. A time in which my level of laziness increases at least tenfold, lol. I'll be getting my driver's license at the end of the week though. That's terrifying. Also, since I haven't said this in a while, I don't own SnK. I feel like the fact that we're writing FANfiction at all negates the need to say that. *shrugs***

* * *

 _Chapter Twenty Two- Tensions_

* * *

Gunshot sound effects filled the space that was void of conversation. The pain in my ribcage had faded sometime within the past two hours and I couldn't seem to remember what day, let alone month, it was.

The sudden clash of keys against each other broke the sound barrier, causing both Ymir and me to look up. Annie was near the entryway, slipping on a coat and shoes. She popped a gum air bubble with her teeth and shifted her eyes over to her girlfriend.

"I'm going out with Levi and his new boy toy" she said steadily, sticking her keys in a coat pocket. "Don't drink my scotch."

"Eh? Or what? You'll hang my head on a plaque and stick it on the wall? I'm too pretty to just murder, babe" Ymir retorted, leaning over the couch in mild engagement.

"No, I'll hang you on my dad's wall. You know his house is nicer than this piece of crap." She popped another bubble of gum.

"True. What about over the fireplace? That would almost be too nice for me."

"You're not even listening to me at this point" Annie stated, leaning against a wall while briefly checking her phone.

"I get it, I won't drink the good shit. Happy?"

"To a degree."

They lapsed into quiet and I didn't try to comprehend what I had just witnessed. It was an odd form of communication, but one they apparently were accustomed to.

"Hey" Ymir addressed, demanding her attention once more. "Seriously though, is Levi not fucking Erwin anymore?"

Annie looked up from her phone and frowned. "The hot English professor? I don't know. I'm not sure that was ever even a thing."

"Huh. It could've been another rumor then" Ymir surmised, leaning into the cushion. "Anytime I tried asking him about it, he'd just laugh like some psychotic dog. It freaks me the fuck out when he does that."

Annie snorted. "Yeah. Let's not act like the psychotic part doesn't hold some truth to it." Then quieter, a bit more composed, "I'm taking the car." She glanced away momentarily, then added even quieter, "Just letting you know."

A tension was suddenly strung through the room like a thousand piano wires. Ymir paused, hand clenched around an empty bottle. "Way to be subtle. I…" Breathing in heavily, her shoulders gradually sagged. Ymir then turned back around and faced the frozen television screen. "Never mind. See you soon."

Annie clenched her jaw the slightest. "Don't… act like that. It wasn't a threat, it was just," she stopped and looked down, "whatever. Have fun with your new game." Her footsteps softened once she reached the door, and the click resounding behind her nearly sounded cautious.

Looking down, I noticed Ymir's hand shaking the slightest, and an overwhelming urge to place mine over hers hit me like a wave. It must have been the alcohol. Realizing this, I stuck both hands in my lap, and faced forward.

* * *

 **AN: I like food quite a lot. And reviews. *suggestive eyebrow wiggle***


	23. Gays and Sports

**AN: All I've done this week (aside from schoolwork) is read a slightly gay book. I have no regrets. I honestly need more lesbians though. Lesbian books, movies, shows, fanfics, people. ALL THE YURI PLZ.**

* * *

 _Chapter Twenty Three- Gays and Sports_

* * *

I ran my thumb along the edge of the wooden frame in my hand, having already wiped the thin layer of dust off of the glass. It was past ten o'clock and Ymir was out of the room, talking on the phone with a drunken friend. She was currently telling him to "Shut the hell up and get a fucking cab." Maybe that was her way of showing how much she cared.

During her conversation I had gotten up and decided to take a look around. My mind was finally beginning to clear and I could feel a sense of curiosity again. I hadn't paid much attention to the two girls' décor the first time I visited, so it was as if I was taking it all in for the first time.

The picture in front of me showed Ymir, Annie, and some other girls in soccer uniforms. They were at least a few years younger, probably in the early years of high school. Annie looked offended that someone was photographing her, meanwhile Ymir grinned distractedly from her side.

The brunette was leaning into her companion, not quite looking at her but aware enough of the shorter teen's presence to treat her as something that should naturally be there. They must have won a game, I concluded from their disheveled hair and second-winded high spirits.

There was a different glint to Ymir's eye in the picture. They seemed less clouded, younger. I had no clue as to what happened between that period and the present day, but it could have very well shaken her foundation.

It wasn't long after I had placed the frame back on its side table that noticed all of the other photos displayed across the wall. Annie and Ymir's ages varied in each captured moment, and I noticed the vague difference in how Ymir held herself spanning across multiple years.

"Sorry. He does this nearly every weekend" the aforementioned student stated, walking back into the room with a mild frown. "He's on the college's football team, so he's sort of stuck in the closet at the moment."

"That's tough" I responded lightly while readjusting my stance to face her.

"Well it's even tougher when he drinks too much after a game. Then he starts getting hands-y with a teammate, and you know, that never leads to much good" she explained, running a hand through her hair. "Luckily they're just as intoxicated this time; no one's going to remember in the morning."

I glanced back at the propped frame, instantly curious about what Ymir's high school days were like. "Was it the same for you?" I inquired, gesturing towards the picture.

She looked momentarily surprised, then shrugged. "Not really. The only person I ever genuinely flirted with was Ann, so everyone else really didn't complain." She sat back in her previous position on the couch.

"I'm guessing that's how you guys started dating?" I asked while remaining standing, continuing to look up at the walls.

"We'd actually been playing together since elementary. We went to different schools before junior high, but our YMCA teams had been combined. Annie despised me for probably the first two years, and rightfully so. I was jealous of her bright blue soccer ball, and got a bit angry that her dad was at every game, unlike my parent. I'd steal her stuff when she glanced away, then hold it above her, since I've always been taller.

"It wasn't until halfway through junior year, when I moved in, that things changed. People had just assumed we were together years beforehand though. Even her dad was a little surprised that it'd taken us so long to officially initiate anything."

"Wait" I said, meeting her eyes with confusion. "You've lived with Annie since before college? You're practically married." I wanted to ask why Ymir had moved out of her own home, but I was too afraid of ruining her pleasant mood. I had the itching feeling that her response to that unspoken question would be the answer to multiple inquires I'd had that evening.

She laughed softly. "I guess so. She was my first real relationship, so I wouldn't know any different." Ymir's phone suddenly buzzed from within her pocket, and her face fell back into a neutral state. The air felt colder without her smile.

She glanced over to the window and its half-open blinds, then pulled out her phone. "I'll reply to this text from Annie, and after I'll walk you home. It must be past your bedtime, little freshman" she quietly teased.

I cracked a sarcastic smirk. "I'm so tired; you may have to carry me there."

Ymir simply snorted and began typing, gaze firmly affixed to the small screen. As she rose from her seat and turned to move toward the door, I caught the end of her reply text. _"I love you, you bastard"_ it read. The tone completely contradicted the tension that the couple had shared hours earlier, and I wondered about how accustomed they must be to making up.

At least no one seemed too mad, I reminded myself. While slipping my coat back on, my right hand hovered momentarily over my strained heart. _Love, huh?_

* * *

 **AN: Don't worry, muffins. I'll bring more glorious yuri to this world one crappy story at a time T-T**


	24. Love, It Would Seem

**AN: This ended up longer than it was supposed to be, but I'll leave it since I should have updated a while ago. Oops. I was on vacation then, well, finals. I actually got a decent amount of writing down this weekend though. But more finals soon, and then moving... Ugh.**

* * *

 _Chapter Twenty Four- Love, It Would Seem_

* * *

" _What was she like? Before me, I mean" I asked, leaning back against the damp, grassy hill. Sifting through the thick and sparse blades, I picked up a small stone and rubbed it between two fingers, peering blankly at its dull gray color and flawless surface._

 _A polluted stream trickled by in front of us, as murkily blue as the humid sky encasing our perspiring bodies. The air tasted stagnant and although the sun wasn't visible, I could still feel its intrusive rays against my already sunburnt skin._

 _My uncle, acting as if he was much older than he truly was, groaner as he lowered himself down onto the ground. "I'm assuming you mean your mother" he stated blandly, already slipping out a cigarette and lighter. "'bout the same, I guess."_

 _"What, so I didn't completely fuck her over?" I asked loudly, grasping the pebble tighter._

 _"Nice language" Vern commented in genuine surprise, then breathed in a lungful of toxins and smoke. "Sure you did, in her opinion. I wouldn't be surprised if she thought he would've kept her around if you never… happened."_

 _I rolled my eyes, then finally tossed the stone as a sudden, harsh gust of wind blew against my back. The pebble went flying into the sorry excuse for a stream below. The miniscule object barely made a 'plop' as it landed, ripples quickly fading as it sank down through the clouded depths._

 _Vernon slowly released his encased poison; the smoke made no difference against the colorless atmosphere. "She was less tired, I guess. A bit more hopeful about life. She's always been desperate for attention though. And stupidly self-destructive. I think our parents were to blame for that one. They're all bitter little bastards."_

 _"Oh yeah, and you're such a shining example of a stand-up citizen" I retorted, cursing my genes and the inevitability of me fucking up my own life. God forbid I ever reproduce and screw the offspring over as well._

 _Vern simply laughed my words off, as per usual. "Doll" he then said in a solemn tone. The muscles in my back stiffened and I straightened my spine the slightest. "Your mom has made her decisions. Don't think that you don't have a fighting chance because of something as insignificant as that. She never learned how to love herself, and in turn couldn't learn how properly love others. But that doesn't…"_

 _He let the tip of the cigarette rest against his lips for a moment, brown eyes gazing tiredly ahead. "I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't base your future off of those who have come before you."_

 _The wind picked up again, pushing stray hairs against my face and blocking my vision. Reaching behind me for the backpack I had removed minutes ago, I unzipped it and pulled out my honors homework. "Yeah" I replied quietly, then promptly got to work._

* * *

"You seem to be feeling better" Ymir nonchalantly observed, casting me a sideways glance as we walked down the dimly lit sidewalks.

She was right; she had miraculously numbed the depression that I had been stuck in since that morning. The flashbacks had slowed and I was finally capable of thinking about other matters. Yet my chest still physically hurt like a dull, thrumming ache. I hated the pain and the vulnerability that accompanied it, so I resolved to avert the conversation elsewhere.

"Yeah, in a way." I picked at the ends of my hair and breathed in deeply to maintain a calm appearance. "You… looking at your old pictures and stuff… You've known Annie for a while. When did you figure out that you loved her?" I asked evenly, the tips my ears growing a bit warm.

Ymir slowed her gait and looked at me fully. "Blondie, are you looking for relationship advice?" She audibly gasped in an overly comical fashion. _I hate her sarcastic ass_ , I thought, already anticipating her next statement. "Do you have a _boyfriend?_ "

"No" I answered loudly, elbowing her none-too-gently in the ribs. "It was just a question, what the hell."

A snickering laugh rose in her throat and I fought the biting urge to dramatically roll my eyes. We continued walking at a more regular pace, and then, instead of brushing me off, Ymir actually answered me.

"Ah, let's see. It was definitely sooner than I would have been comfortable admitting. But I didn't exactly call it that. Love, I mean." The brunette gazed up at the clouded yet tranquil sky, wracking her brain for the correct way of phrasing the experience.

"Why? What else would else would you call it?" I inquired, confused and curious. I was used to people using the term quite flippantly. I, myself, had never found the term appropriate in any circumstance, however.

"The feeling was definitely there, I was just reluctant to call it that. Annie and I had been dating for probably a half of a year. She had picked up on my obvious discomfort with the word in general. I remember one night on a weekend, she gave me this odd look. Then she told me loved me, and I… Didn't say it back."

I couldn't stop my eyes from lingering on her mild frown. An image of the scenario began to form within my head; Annie's stern face growing soft in a particular, characteristic way. Then Ymir's golden eyes as they probably lowered in surprise and guilt.

"She wasn't mad like some partners get to be. She knew I felt the same but just couldn't understand what my struggle was with a mere four letters. It was hard to word it at first, but I eventually managed to explain. Maybe I'd overdramatized it, but the term always felt fake to me; it was an excuse. It left a sour taste on my tongue.

"My entire life I'd heard people tossing it around to justify discrimination and blatant hate. I've seen it used for manipulation and outright cruelty. It represented the selfish ambitions of the broken adults around me. I couldn't understand how Annie could say such a thing with sincerity."

Ymir breathed deeply, and the temperature was still low enough for the air to fog before her, painting proof of her physical exertion. For a few seconds, Ymir looked vulnerable under the harsh yellow of the streetlamp. It was in those rare moments that I found her the most beautiful.

"After hearing me out, she sort of chastised me. In that nonchalant fashion of hers, of course. She said something that I'll never forget. Damn, I should have written it down." She laughed airily at her words, finally glancing down at her feet. "Annie said that we all have our own definitions of love. The kind of love she may feel for me isn't the same as the kind she feels for her father, her grandparents, or other partners. It varies for every person, every relationship.

"When religious groups use the word to campaign for hate, to rip away the rights of others, it's not even remotely the same love as ours. When a parent uses it as a reasoning crutch to dictate their child's life, it's not the same kind of love. Every time we say it, even feel it, the meaning behind it varies. We determine what love means to us, and there's no one who can belittle or tarnish that."

I felt something painful, yet warm settle within my heart, as if the feeling was burning me from the inside out. All of these new emotions were startling, to say the least. I'd even call it frightening; how the hell was I supposed to know how to deal with all of this?

But thinking about that story, it was a fantastic perspective, and with each phrase I further understood exactly why Ymir loved Annie. She wasn't just the remnants of an early romance, she was the foundation that Ymir had been building her life on. I suddenly felt guilty for ever undermining that, even if it was internal and unintentional.

I had few words to say; all I could truly do was breathe and feel the frost gather in my lungs. I ran a slightly shaking hand through my hair, then shook my head. "You never cease to surprise me."

She glanced down curiously. "I hope that's good?"

I rubbed my numb hands together as a small gust of frigid wind passed through. "I honestly don't even know. I have yet to figure that out." She laughed. I sighed, and then smiled.

* * *

 **AN: How is everyone? I'm sooo freaking done with school, lol. Someone save me from my Chemistry final T-T**


	25. Friends?

**AN: Looks like this will be my last week of school. So hopefully by the next upload, I'll be done with this school crap until August, I think. I mean, I still have state testing, but that shit's easy when you realize it's graded on a curve, lol.**

* * *

 _Chapter Twenty Five- Friends?_

* * *

My own pale face stared back at me through the full-length mirror. Sasha was cackling over something one of her classmates had said just outside the room. It was late in the evening or, after checking my phone clock, very early that morning. I was still trying to gauge how much alcohol I'd consumed. Based on the slight blurriness of my vision, I'd say too much.

It must have been over an hour since Ymir left me at my dorm. I'd been in an odd, useless haze, so I was left standing clueless and immobile. I knew I wasn't tired enough to be able to fall asleep. Yet I denied Sasha's request to come hang out. _This is what happens when you do all of your weekend homework Friday evening_.

Then my phone buzzed in my hand, and I knew I was out of it when I nearly threw the suddenly moving object against the wall out of surprise. I inhaled deeply before looking down at the glowing screen. I flipped open the phone.

 _"I'm assuming you're free Friday night"_ the text read. Ymir was as eloquent as ever.

 _"Rude assumption, but yes"_ I replied. I took a few steps backward and seated my slowly tiring body on the edge of my bed. Sure, I wasn't the epitome of popularity, but I couldn't imagine that the nosy lesbian was any better. _Why am I even pissed?_

It was a matter of thirty seconds before the mobile buzzed again. _"Lol. Don't break down and have an anxiety attack, but you're coming to Levi's with Annie and me."_

 _"What do you mean, like, a party?"_ I furrowed my brows, recalling that she'd mentioned this Levi guy multiple times before.

In the extra time it took for her to respond, I could hear her condescending, raucous laughter in my head. _"Yeah, something like that. I'll call and pick you up Friday."_ There were a few moments that passed until a second, final text arrived. _"Get some sleep, blondie. And don't think about tomorrow's inevitable hangover."_

Instead of replying, I simply groaned and leaned back against the mattress. I covered my eyes with a limp arm, wishing the darkness of the room would engulf me. I hated Ymir and her manner of throwing things upon me. She was a massive stressor. But she gave me things to look forward to.

That night, after tossing around for another hour in bed, I dreamt I was surrounded by Ymir and a hundred of her equally as gay, equally as irritating friends.

* * *

Monday morning I attempted to peer over the mound of textbooks balanced in my grasp as I scurried between buildings. I was cautiously avoiding any remnants of ice or slush, and the rays of sunlight targeted directly at my eyes didn't help much either. Unable to see directly in front of me, I had no time to help myself when a guy with his eyes on a phone screen came speed-walking forward. His shoulder bumped mine roughly and I immediately felt the entirety of my weight teeter.

Luckily, an angel of a bystander caught the three topmost books before they could slide to the cement. I repositioned myself and glanced over, already feeling the polite smile itching its way on. "Thank you-"

I stopped, actually seeing who my rescuer was. A pair of gold eyes blinked down, my books effortlessly and securely held against her hip. "Hey blondie." Of course it was Ymir. Who else would it be? Definitely not one of the other hundreds of students, I can surely say that.

"Are you stalking me?" I absent-mindedly blurted, briefly wondering why she would be in the freshman wing of classrooms.

She cracked a surprised, amused smile. "No. Is that an activity I should be considering?" She appeared prepared to laugh at her own statement until a voice shouted her name from across the courtyard.

She turned back, directing her gaze on Annie and a tall boy accompanying her. "I'll see you guys in class!" Ymir loudly replied, waving the two off. Annie nodded and readjusted the straps of her bag, then guiding her companion in the opposite direction.

"Why aren't you-?" I began to inquire. She nonchalantly cut me off.

"We were just walking to our next class, and I saw you struggling for a few moments. How about you let me carry these to wherever you're headed?"

She was very up front, I'd give her that. I shrugged, not willing to refuse help. "I'm headed to English. It's not far" I said calmly. So I guided her into the next building and toward the quiet classroom. When we reached the door, I paused.

"Thanks for Saturday" I muttered, eyes fixated on the scuffed linoleum. She was quiet; probably shocked at any display of gratitude from me. It was much more characteristic of me to send her off with a snarky retort, after all.

"Oh, yeah" she responded in an even tone. It was a bit light too, a little heart-warmed. "Sure. If you ever… well, you know." I didn't look up to gauge her reaction, but envisioned the taller woman slightly awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck. "I'm not much company, but if you ever need to just get away from everyone else. I… I guess you get it." She chuckled softly. Neither of us were any good with this gross emotional stuff.

"And hey," she then said in a more upbeat tone, "If you thought Saturday gave you a fantastic hangover, just wait until this weekend." I couldn't help grimacing, yet quickly laughed thereafter.

"Why are you always trying to get me drunk?" I asked in exasperation.

Ymir tilted her head. "Because drunk Christa is _so_ entertaining." I had the unprecedented urge to smack that grin right off of her stupidly beautiful face.

"Whatever" I concluded with a mildly amused snort, relinquishing the rest of my textbooks from her hold. "I'll see you later."

She saluted, and I had the terrifyingly accurate notation that Friday was going to arrive much too soon.

* * *

 **AN: Review? Perhaps? I've been thinking about writing a second part to a MadoHomu one-shot I wrote awhile ago, when I should be working on this. I need some words of encouragement, dammit. I'm good-for-nothing yuri trash, after all T-T**


	26. Flightless Birds

**AN: So I'm considering changing my username to The Gay Feminazi. Thoughts? But honestly, I need a new name. I'll probably go with PikaFreakingChu, PikaFreakingEatChu, or something that includes yuri. In other news, I completed my last final Monday. *Waits for high hive* Oh shit, that's right. I'm alone in this world.**

* * *

 _Chapter Twenty Six- Flightless Birds_

* * *

I clutched the warm mug to my chest as the hot water in my throat made its way down, finally resting within my ribcage and setting my organs to boil. I was surprised when I didn't exhale steam.

"Why tea?" Eren asked noncommittally from the other side of the kitchen. His eyes were glued to his phone and I was having a hard time remembering why he was even here.

"It melts the ice around my heart, just the slightest" I replied simply, running a finger along the rim of the cup. The nail polish on my index finger was distinctly chipped.

The TV in the background hummed with the same news channel monotone. The mindless, blonde news anchor droned on about something controversial a celebrity had tweeted about. My hazy vision focused on the small screen. "In other news" she continued with a masked lack of enthusiasm. Her glossed lips smacked together once, and I took note of her overly heavy contour.

I zoned out for a moment, strung along by Eren's periodic typing. Suddenly his fingers halted, and I watched as his head lifted the slightest. The middle-aged woman's dull voice thrummed back into my ears, gradually increasing in volume until I could make out the words again.

"… Second this month. He jumped off the Golden Gate and was pronounced dead before police forces could do anything to help. Sources say he'd been harassed by multiple classmates the for past few months. Really awful, isn't it, Jon?" She turned to her cohost. How valid is a story without the input of a male coworker, right?

"Truly is, Jeanine. At the young age of fifteen too. Such dramatic measures in response to fleeting situations-" I mentally cut him off. _Thirty percent_ , I thought, remembering the statistics I'd looked up months prior. Thirty percent of gay youth will attempt suicide.

I hadn't noticed Eren set down his phone. We shared a momentary look, and my heartbeat slowed at the helpless, frustrated expression marring his features. He didn't try to hide it, which I was thankful for. "You okay?" I said quietly. Although I had yet to hear the full story, I was aware of the boy's unstable past. He'd gotten into a lot fights in high school, Mikasa had mentioned. She closed the shutters in her eyes whenever it was brought up.

"Yeah" he responded gruffly, picking the phone back up with mildly shaking fingers. "M-my boyfriend's going to be here soon. I should see if Sasha's done." _Ah, right_. He'd leant her his Precalculus textbook; she was currently in our room finishing the related homework.

I nodded, and remembered that tomorrow was Friday. I spent the rest of the afternoon daydreaming about boys with wings leaping off of bridges, learning how to fly.

* * *

 **AN: Aaaaand next chapter we finally meet the Queers. In the meantime, review, my muffins! Review! I mean, if you feel like it and stuff.**


	27. The Queers

**AN: Oh fuck, I'm so tired of moving and all I've done so far is clean. WHY MUST I ENDURE OVER A WEEK MORE OF THIS? Since I'll be living in a trailer and going state to state for the next week, there will not be another upload for a little while. Hopefully I can finish and edit the Madoka Magica one-shot I've been working on so it'll be up before my cutoff date. So if there are any Puella Magi fans, check out that yuri once it's up.**

* * *

 _Chapter Twenty Seven- The Queers_

* * *

I dreamt about her for the hundredth time the previous night, and I couldn't shake it from my head even as she was merely inches away. We'd been kissing in a frenzy like some stupid, cliché, star-crossed lovers. Then the moment I'd twined my fingers into her hair, could actually _touch_ her, she unraveled like a cheap quilt and fell apart in my arms. That was where the dream ended, yet I swore I could still feel her lips after waking up.

Now, just after eight o'clock in the evening, I pictured the past few hours as a mere blur. The sky was dark, cloudy, and starless. A single-story house loomed in front of us as if it was shrouded in its own impenetrable shadow. We were ten minutes from campus, and I had a hard time believing a student actually rented the place by himself.

An involuntary shiver ran through each of my nerves, so I rubbed my sleeved arms. I could already feel the blasted bass in my ribcage, the music inside surely turned up much too loud.

A couple of tattooed kids leaned against a stone wall that separated this house from the next, one smoking and the other eyeing my group of three in boredom. A firm hand suddenly rested on my shoulder and nearly jumped.

"You okay?" Ymir asked, leaning in much too close, I mean _fuck_ I could feel her breath on my neck, a mildly concerned expression donning her features. As she spoke, Annie was already striding ahead of us, paying no attention to the dying grass, the loners to the left, or even the music as it gradually continued to crescendo.

 _No,_ I wanted to answer. _This is an awful idea and, no offense, but I get the feeling that some godawful, dangerous person in there is going to eat me alive. That's really just my rabbit instincts though, if I'm being quite honest._ But instead I evenly replied with, "Oh yeah. Let's get in there already so my brain will shut up."

She huffed. A dry laugh, I suppose.

And so I allowed myself to be reluctantly guided in. The moment the front door opened, my eardrums were assaulted by a lot of rap, accompanied by other very harsh noises from an undetectable stereo.

I felt a familiar hand grasp around my bicep as either an assurance to me, or a warning to others. I, in that inconvenient moment, had a very inappropriate thought similar to my most recent dream. I bit my cheek until I tasted blood.

Annie had already maneuvered through the various groups that made up the one massive crowd, finding a less crowded spot against the wall with the same tall guy from earlier that week.

Scanning the main room, I began to notice the differences between small groups. In the furthermost corners were the potheads, near the entrance some gay guys, and a horde of lesbians near a hall entrance. This was evident by how each of them immediately eyed me up. One girl with quite a few piercings from that group waved at Ymir, then motioned her over. My freckled companion nodded, then looked down and seemed to remember that I was still present.

She glanced between me and them, probably unsure whether I could handle that much attention. Then she perked up as a broad-shouldered man walked past, heading toward another hall on the other side of the room.

Ymir quickly leaned out to grab his arm with her free hand, smiling sweetly at his now irritated expression. "What?" He groaned in a deep voice.

"Reiner, buddy, good to see you've yet to get a locker room beating-" He frowned, "But your problems aside, could you help me out a moment? You know, lesbians love straight girls and, er, well…" She glanced down apologetically to me. _Why am I even here?_

"You have to be kidding me" he retorted, "I'm not your babysitter, Ymir."

"Okay, well sure, if you look at it that way-" She rambled, now visibly struggling to find a method of convincing him. I shot a helpless glance toward Annie. She met my eyes momentarily, then languidly avoided my stare as if she wanted nothing to do with the situation.

"Actually" Reiner began, looking suspiciously interested, "I heard you've got some Forty-Niner tickets."

Ymir's shoulders slumped and she sent a longing look in lesbians' direction. "Shiiit. Fine, alright, I cave. You can have the tickets. Just take her somewhere quieter, like with Petra or something."

"Petra graduated, dimwit."

"What? When?"

Reiner rolled his eyes, then positioned a heavy grasp on my shoulder. "Last year."

"Huh" she said, appearing genuinely confused. The broad man merely rolled his eyes and began to forcibly steer me to his previously intended destination. Ymir managed to break out of her cloud of thoughts in time to salute me. "Hang tight. I'll see you in a few minutes" she promised with a grin.

I nodded with a blunt _"Are you fucking kidding me?"_ expression. She released a short laugh as I was suddenly steered toward my impending doom.

* * *

 **AN: I'll see you guys again in two weeks or so. Hot damn, this summer's starting off too stressful.**


	28. Levi

**AN: It really has been too long. But the good news is that I'm fully moved in! I made it to my new state/house safely, and I've painted my room, plus unpacked. I'm still adjusting, but everything's chill. I'm just happy to be on a less hectic schedule. In other news, I completed my Madoka Magica one shot and uploaded it, as promised. Some shameless self promotion there if anyone wants to check it out. I also briefly dressed the Orlando tragedy over on that fic. I've already gone through the emotional coping process, so now I'm ready to move on and stride toward real change. We gotta keep ourselves safe, you know? Because the hatred doesn't stop with this.**

* * *

 _Chapter Twenty Eight- Levi_

* * *

The hallway was short and only lead to an open, smaller room. It was dim and there looked to be another door on the right. A separate entrance to the kitchen, I considered. There were a few sofas in this room, a group of girls flocked around the largest on the left, and a single man sat smoking on the one directly before us.

"I thought you quit" reverberated Reiner's low voice from an inch or so behind me. The music was noticeably quieter in here and there was less need to shout or strain your tone.

"I did" replied the man, "For eleven days. Then I realized, fuck that." He inhaled deeply from the cig, directing a long, judgmental stare upon the two of us as I was herded even closer. "Who's this?" He finally asked, not even needing to gesture toward his obvious subject.

"Ymir's friend" Reiner smoothly replied, leaving my side to sit on the arm of the couch. He quickly uncapped a beer glass that I hadn't realized he'd been holding.

As I stood still quite awkwardly, I felt a sudden and heavy gaze on myself and immediately noticed Levi thoroughly looking me up and down. "Why's there a straight girl in my house?" He bluntly inquired, his tone not quite aiming the question at one person in particular.

"Petra was straight" Reiner input in the absence of any other comment.

"Petra was an exception." The oddly intimidating man kept his focused on me and I began to feel my internal organs squirm the slightest.

One of the girls on the other couch then cleared her throat, tossing her heavily dyed hair over one shoulder. "What are you talking about, asshat? You've got plenty of straight girls in here." She batted her lashes sweetly, ending the statement with a tight smile.

Levi blew a particularly large cloud of smoke in her direction. "Do I really have to say 'cis straight girl?'" She simply blinked again, paying no attention to the gray plume probably stinging her eyes. Her condescending silence ticked on for a few more seconds until the opposing party squinted at her irritably. "Are you fucking serious? Go back to your Tumblr rants" he retorted.

And yet he wasn't done there. Yanking the loosely hanging cigarette out from between his lips, he now targeted that intensely uncomfortable stare on the girl. "You know what, while you're at it, go join the GSA. They could use some more politically correct fucks for their equality marches and whatever other shit they do. Go do vain outreaches and try to win over this bigot-infested country.

"Meanwhile, the rest of us with actual, logical brains can plot how to cut the whole fucking South off. Let 'em float off into the Atlantic until a particularly large family of Great Whites lop all of their dumbass heads off." He finished his little rant by sinking further into the cushions, taking a heavy and angry drag from his cig.

"Oh sure, and leave those poor southern kids to try to swim over if they want any chance at a relatively decent life." As the statement made it back to my ears, my joints very hurriedly locked up and I felt my jaw instinctively freeze. _Shit,_ I promptly thought, _it was_ me _who said that._

I made a quick scan of the room, and I was surprised by how unaffected everyone seemed to be while I was freaking out over the very notion that I had _talked_.

Levi released a dark chuckle as the blood continued to drain from my face. "The Mexicans do it all the time. Maybe the white kids deserve a challenge."

Reiner rolled his eyes, deciding to step in. "You're being extra pissy today."

Without averting his eyes from me, he inhaled, exhaled, and then glared through the smoke. "You would be too if your boyfriend felt the need to pick a fight _every damn time_ some idiot calls him a fag. The brat has no respect for his own wellbeing, and it's really starting to piss me the fuck off. If he keeps going off like this, he's going to end up with a criminal record. Then what? That shit sticks with you the rest of your life."

Reiner leaned back against the wall, taking a long swig from his bottle. "You're right, I'd be irritated too. But I don't have a boyfriend so," he shrugged, "Good for me, I guess?"

The room fell into a continuous, soft noise that consisted of the girls to my left and the thundering music at my back. My existence seemed to have been forgotten for the moment, so in temporary relief, I relaxed my shoulders and moved to a less obvious and awkward position. I rested against the wall closest to the two guys, questioning, _again,_ why I was subjecting myself to all of this unneeded stress.

* * *

 **AN: I hope everyone's been doing well. Tell me about the start of your summer, or maybe even finals, if you took any this semester. Either way, I'll talk to you guys again much sooner this time, lol. Sayonara.**


	29. Red

**AN: Hello, muffins! It hasn't been too terribly long, has it? I don't think I have a whole lot to talk about this time around. Ummm, I'm finally caught up in Adventure Time and all the Bubbline goodness. So that's exciting. But that aside, I'll duck out now, lol.**

* * *

 _Chapter Twenty Nine- Red_

* * *

There was a soft rustling nearby and I pushed my hair back, looking up to see Reiner rising from his seated position. A very tall student that I'd seen previously that evening had entered the room, and the blonde seemed to be strangely transfixed by his presence. "Hey Bert" he greeted, a slight unevenness to his voice.

The newcomer nodded with a friendly smile and held out his hand for Reiner to shake. From my perspective, it looked as if the two were on completely separate wavelengths. The latter was blatantly infatuated with the dark-haired man, while the former appeared and acted thoroughly oblivious to this fact.

Reiner hesitated a moment before returning the gesture, eventually shaking the other's hand with a cautious smile. Levi released a very fake cough, followed by a muffled "Gay."

A couple of the girls that overheard were snickering, and Reiner's neck quickly reddened with a blush. Bert remained as oblivious as before, still smiling with an aura that I could only describe as floral and purely sunshine. It weirded me out.

"Annie was with you...?" I cautiously cut in after a few moments, desperate for some trace of familiarity within the foreign surroundings.

"She's refilling our drinks" Bert replied politely, and as if on cue, the short woman entered, looking just as bored as usual.

"Resting Bitch Face" Levi greeted as she entered.

Annie retorted with "Midget," then settled into my little portion of the room. She handed a plastic cup to Bert, then took a drink from her own. "Blondie" she stated.

"H-hey" I replied, glancing over her shoulder just in case Ymir had followed. She had not.

Annie glanced at me momentarily, then sighed. "She did not leave you alone" she stated in exasperation.

"She did" I answered uneasily.

"Who, Ymir?" Bert inquired. Realization dawned on him soon after. " _Oh,_ you're a straight girl. Sorry, she does that with her new, er, friends. Nothing personal" he attempted to reassure, that same glowing smile resurfacing.

"Yeah, she does this every time" Annie agreed, "But that's all the more reason to beat her ass for continuing to do this. Where the hell is she?" The blonde grumbled, swinging back around to look through the smoky haze of the house.

"With the lesbians, last I saw" I informed slightly timidly, not wanting to be the source of a fight.

"I think I saw her with Ronnie in the kitchen not long ago" Bert chimed in, furtively glancing in that direction.

"Ronnie?" Annie questioned, "I thought she was graduating a semester early?"

"No, she failed a final exam. Her last English course, I think. Now she has to complete a remedial course this term" he answered. "I suggested she get a tutor, but she's a little too relaxed over the whole ordeal, as with everything else."

"What's her major?" I asked, curious as to how she got this far if she couldn't even invest in help when a grade was so low.

"Art" Annie replied, glancing down the dim hallway in search of her girlfriend. "Can't remember specifics. I think she's changed branches a few times." _Ah, that makes sense,_ I thought.

A familiar laugh echoed nearby, and the other blonde suddenly shoved her drink into Bert's free hand, then promptly surged forward toward the room's entrance. As Ymir emerged from the hall, she was unexpectedly bombarded, then promptly punched in the arm. "Ow, _fuck_ " the brunette exclaimed, quickly reaching to cover her injured bicep. "How much are you lifting?"

"That's irrelevant" Annie blandly responded, crossing her arms over her chest to glare up at Ymir.

"Yeah, tell that to my arm." Then, noticing her partner's intense stare, glanced down gloomily. "What was that for?"

"Leaving blondie to the wolves" she said lowly.

"Oh c'mon, she would've been worse off with my crowd."

"Then why did you bring her in the first place?"

"Because I'm celebrating my birthday, like humans do, and I'd enjoy having her around for part of the night."

"That's a very selfish reason. You are immensely, infuriatingly selfish, you know that?"

Ymir rubbed her sore spot, frowning. "What else is new?"

Ymir's single companion that I hadn't previously noticed slowly walked around her to wave at Bert, then after noticing my presence, brightly grinned at me as well. "Hi Ann" she greeted, finally looking back over.

"Hello Ronnie" Annie responded, still watching Ymir through judgmentally narrowed eyes.

Ronnie was tall, I'd say a few inches taller than Ymir. She had dark skin and large, natural hair that was about the length of her chin. Most strikingly, the entire left half of her hair was dyed bright red. She dressed in the same casual, punkish style that Ymir did. She was hot, objectively speaking, of course.

"Babe, how long are you gonna be like this?" Ymir asked, meeting Annie's gaze with an expression of self-pity.

"Just until you apologize to your _friend_ for leaving her with Levi. _Levi_ , for fuck's sake. That's a pretty intense experience for someone like her."

I felt the urge to defend myself, then snuffed it once I remembered that she was completely right.

"Okay, well, to be fair I left her with Reiner-"

"You know who Reiner hangs out with."

Ymir glanced up at the ceiling and squinted, seemingly wracking her brain for another excuse. In the meantime, Ronnie was making her way over here, and I felt my heartrate pick up the slightest. I thought that maybe she'd walk past and head over to Levi and Reiner, but instead she stopped right in front of me. Holding out a friendly hand, I simply stared at it in shock.

"Hey, I'm Ronnie" she announced.

"I've heard" I replied in a distant tone, cautiously reaching out my own hand to take hers. As soon as our palms met, I was held in the tightest grasp I've ever experienced. She held me there for a few moments in expectation. It took me a little while to realize what she was waiting on. "Oh, sorry. I'm C-Christa."

"Lovely to meet you, C-Christa" she said softly, though the grin that accompanied that statement was more massive than Ymir's usual one. I must have been blushing by that point

"Exhibit A, babe. This is exactly why I didn't want to introduce her to the estrogen-hungry pack of dogs" Ymir exclaimed, having finally landed on her newest excuse.

I looked over to find Annie rolling her eyes. "A forewarning, Ron" Ymir then shouted, "She's straight."

Ronnie glanced over her shoulder with an expression of surprise, then back at me. "Really?" Then quieter, "I don't know if I believe that." Oh, I was most definitely blushing.

Ymir must have managed to escape Annie's paralyzing stare, for she now had a hand clasped on her taller friend's shoulder, and suddenly both very hot lesbians were looking down at me like a brand new chew toy. "Seriously though, sorry if I overwhelmed you" the brunette apologized. I simply shook my head, trying to convey that it was no longer a big deal through my speechless daze.

"Guys," Annie's commanding voice cut through, "Why don't you give her some space for a moment?" She pushed past the two to look me straight in the eye. "I'm going outside for some air. I feel like I'm inhaling pure lung cancer. Want to come with?" She asked in a clear tone, having noticed my deer-in-the-headlights expression. I nodded slowly.

She gently grabbed my forearm and began to guide me back out. As the bass thrummed harder in my chest the closer we got to the door, I attempted to sort through my new torrent of emotions.

* * *

 **AN: So what do you guys think of Ronnie? Don't worry, I'm not planning on including too many OCs, haha. I appreciate any and all comments, though. Alright, until next time, I hope life treats you well.**


	30. It's Complicated

**AN: I'm honestly mentally exhausted today after working on my original story, but I made myself edit this so I could get it out before my birthday. Because if I hadn't, it probably would've been uploaded a week later. Here's my gift to all of you this year, then. Sorry it's not full-on yuri quite yet. We'll get there soon though.**

* * *

 _Chapter Thirty- It's Complicated_

* * *

Outside the sky was a deep gray, the moon barely shining through a particularly thin layer of clouds. The tattooed kids from before were gone, and Annie immediately moved in the direction of the wall that they were previously leaned against.

Resting her palms against the top, then hopping, she pulled herself onto the wall to be seated. I followed, though with a lot less grace and bit more fumbling. I half expected her to pull out a cigarette, like Ymir did every once in a while, but instead she flipped open her phone and opened a text. "Just a minute, I need to work out some shift changes with a coworker" she explained, then began rapidly typing.

I nodded, although she obviously didn't see it, and waited quietly for the next few moments. The temperature and weather was currently at that awkward in between, not really cold enough to still be winter, but not quite spring yet either.

It looked as if Annie had finished, so I asked "Where do you work?", having deemed the topic neutral enough.

"At a coffee place by the northernmost building. The one with the advanced literature courses and the school paper. People are mostly there for the free Wi-Fi; it's an easy enough job waitressing."

"I see" I replied politely, having never been in that direction of the campus.

Then, being suddenly caught up on the smoking thing, asked, "You don't smoke like Ymir?" Sure, it was out of nowhere, but I couldn't shake off the memory of the kinds of girlfriends my uncle had. There was a pattern; each of the few I'd met had some semblance of a smoking habit. I suppose that's how the couple could actually stand each other.

The woman beside me laughed hoarsely. "You must've caught her around a holiday. That's the only time Ymir does it. Well, that and around finals."

I frowned, eyes now focused on the dying lawn. "If it's not that big of an addiction, then why-"

"Takes more of the stress off" She interrupted. "She's fine when we're back home, but after a few days, her reality sort of sinks back in. It's complicated. The rest of the time though, a constant flow of alcohol is enough."

I mulled over her choice of wording for a few moments, a trickle of dread running through my veins. "You say it like she's an alcoholic, or something" I said, not a second later thinking, _because she is._

"I thought you would've figured it out by now" Annie replied with a hint of genuine surprise. She was right, I should have seen it by this point. It was obvious enough. The anxious mannerisms, her high tolerance. For all I knew, she went to class intoxicated to a degree on most days.

I leaned down and covered my face with my hands as every puzzle piece fell into place. "Oh God. And the ordeal with the car…" I trailed off as multiple questions that had been floating within my mind were simultaneously answered.

Annie snorted. "Yeah. She hasn't crashed, at least not yet. Earlier this year she got pretty damn close though."

I sighed into my hands, then sat back up. I pushed the fringe from my eyes and glance back at my companion, taking little note of her dull expression. She was focused on the half-covered moon. "And Ymir's not seeking help, I assume?"

I figured she'd laugh humorlessly, but instead she remained in the same sallow position. "Ymir doesn't care enough. Trust me, I've been trying to help since it became an issue." She breathed heavily through her nose. "I know her better than anyone, and I understand that she just can't handle the pain that quitting would cause. My Ymir has an ugly past, blondie. I suggest you prepare yourself for all of… That, before you take your little friendship any further."

Then, as if she had a throbbing headache, Annie began to massage her forehead. The dark circles under her eyes stood out against the sudden burst of light as the clouds drifted away from the moon.

I wanted to apologize, but similar to many other situations, I had no idea what I'd be apologizing for.

* * *

 **AN: Questions, comments, concerns? Shoot me a review.  
Also, remember to stay safe, and just as importantly, treat each other kindly and without bias. Too many undeserving people are being killed. We need to start listening to each other as humans, and using this rightful hurt and anger to bring forth change. We can make the world a better place for all of us as long as we work together. And in the end, the only remedy for hatred is love. See you guys soon.**


	31. Most Definitely Not Bi-Curious

**AN: It's taken awhile for me to upload because I really haven't been working on this story lately. Blame my original story that I'm suddenly so interested in. But I had to get another chapter out before leaving for a week. You can thank my over-excitement for pushing me to get up off my ass and edit/upload this. I'm trying to find productive ways to let out all of these anxious/joyful emotions. You see, I'm going to see my long-distance girlfriend this week and the wait is sort of killing me. While I suffer and wait though, here you go.**

* * *

 _Chapter Thirty One- Most Definitely Not Bi-Curious_

* * *

Annie and I didn't talk about anything of much importance thereafter. She gave me some advice on how to clean out my dorm, cheap places to store my stuff for next year, and the best ways to apply for sophomore housing. Turns out that she was a walking instruction manual for first and second years.

Not long after, we traveled back inside. I coughed a few times upon entering the smoky house, having to readjust to such low visibility and air quality. When we made it back into the room from before, Ymir had a mostly empty drink in hand and was chatting up the women on the sofa.

"You'd love Colombia, trust me, _bonita_ " A woman with a heavy Spanish accent cooed. She was leaning heavily on the brunette, but her position seemed more playful than flirty. Ymir was grinning, holding the Latina up in the case that her heels gave out. Both had already, quite blatantly, had more than one drink.

"Are the beaches really that nice?" Ymir teased.

" _Sí,_ gorgeous" she assured, throwing her long, curly hair back.

"Maria, are you trying to steal my girlfriend?" Annie asked with a small smirk.

Maria glanced over excitedly. "I would never! In fact, you should come too. As much as I adore _mi papá_ , I need a piece of California for the summer. I may not be back until _Octubre_."

"So you are coming back after graduation" Annie confirmed, stepping closer to the two.

Maria nodded. "I have found a good internship that can evolve into a real job. I will be farther south, but I go where the architectural design takes me."

"Then you'll have to visit" Ymir said. "Even more so since we'll be at Annie's grandparents' beach house over the summer. You'll have to show us around Colombia some other time."

As the three chatted on, I made a quick scan of the rest of the room. Levi, Bertholdt, and Reiner had left. That must have contributed to the minor decrease in noise, and more importantly, smoke. That left us and the trans girls in the room. Oh, and, as I finally looked straight to my right, _Ronnie_. And she was waving at me, then promptly began to signal me over.

Upon realizing that neither Annie nor Ymir would notice my absence, I decided to comply with the artist's request.

After making my approach, I hesitantly rested against the wall. "It's cool to see you back" Ronnie started, "For a while I thought Ann was helping you make your escape, especially after you made your acquaintance with Levi."

I unwillingly cracked a smile, and her eyes lit up in response. "Lemme get you a drink-" I grabbed her forearm to stop her as she began to move toward the kitchen.

"No, I'm fine."

"Afraid I'll drug it?" This time I laughed a bit.

"Honestly, I think all this second hand smoke is as much as I can handle tonight."

"I can respect that" she replied with an inviting smile, settling back against the wall. As she looked down at me, her expression read wholehearted interest. It was as if my mere existence entertained her, and it was kind of freaking me out. _I must be releasing some sort of lesbian-attracting pheromones._

The easy smile set on her lips was illuminated by the faint light shining softly from the corner of the room. She sounded more sober than Ymir, more lighthearted than Levi and Annie, and lacked any smoke on her breath. She seemed to be an anomaly of sorts at this social gathering. Pupils weren't dilated either. _Huh_.

"So how'd you meet Ymir?" Ronnie asked, leaning down toward me, gaze patient and inviting.

My throat felt dry. "We have a class together. Kind of random that I ended up here though" I added blandly. She laughed and my heart beat just a millisecond quicker.

"I'm assuming you're a freshman if this is your first time here. How's the first year been?" She asked lightly.

Interesting question. One I hadn't considered. "Um, it's been… Different. Odd. Confusing, I guess."

"Must be if you're suddenly besties with Ymir and still claim to be straight" she teased, at least that's what she probably meant from her tone. My back stiffened, hoping she wasn't an invasive psychic like the aforementioned brunette.

"Maybe I'm just curious" I retorted.

"Bi-curious?"

I snorted, honestly amused. "You trying to persuade me of something, Ronnie?" I asked slyly, almost cringing at the flirtatious hint to my voice.

"Nah, I'm just curious as well." Looking up at her soft face, I expected her to wink. She just continued smiling, heating my face with her unwavering eyes.

"You think you could satiate my curiosity the smallest bit?" I asked, attempting to ignore the warm stirring in my abdomen. It was close to the same sensation I'd experienced around Ymir before. I still didn't understand it in the least.

"Whadya got, buttercup?" She inquired.

"Why are you here?" I questioned blatantly. "You don't seem like you're dealing with the same kind of shit that all of these guys are. I mean, maybe you are, but you seem sort of more… put together, I guess."

She blinked a few times in contemplation, glancing back at the others, caught up in their own conversations. "Well, I have an answer. But first I have a question for you."

I arched a brow and the music out in the other room wavered, then grew slightly quieter. "Okay, sure."

And then she proposed, as if it was the most natural notion to her, "Go on a date with me?"

* * *

 **AN: Review if you feel inclined. My tiny yuri heart would appreciate it.**


	32. Muses

**AN: I'm seriously malfunctioning. There's so much I want to write due to this awful build-up of emotion, but I just can't get it out properly. Maybe it's guilt eating away at my brain or something. If that's case, I shouldn't be complaining and acting like I'm some sort of victim, which I'm _always_ trying to do. I just need to get a hold on myself and figure out how to function again. At this point in time, I'm just as useless to myself as I am to everyone else. Alright, vent time's over.**

* * *

 _Chapter Thirty Two- Muses_

* * *

 _Eh?_ _Words, Christa, find your words._ I gaped once, twice, then a third time, mouth moving silently. "W-why?" I finally managed.

"Because I don't think you're straight. I mean, c'mon. A cis, straight, white girl out _here_?" She shook her head, multi-colored hair catching the light, appearing as if half of it was bleeding bright crimson. "It's just not all clicking for me."

"Oh, so no ulterior motives?" _And flirtatious Christa is back_ , I realized tiredly. My poor, confused brain.

"Exactly" Ronnie perkily replied. "Say yes, and I'll answer your question. Simple as that." Her bright eyes met my wide pair, everything about her urging me to agree. She seemed to emanate this unexplainable warmth. Her mere appearance screamed adventure.

 _No no no no_ , my voice of reasoning rambled, trying to convince me that I was nearing the point of no return. A date with a girl? One with such a large, all-encompassing personality at that. What if I found out something that I never wanted to know? _Then again, it could remind me of how straight I am._

 _Still dangerous though_ , I thought. I inhaled deeply, nearly coughing on all of the built up smoke. She was still waiting in calm expectation with that stupid, cute little smile. I really should've had a drink after all.

"Alright" I answered, nearly choking on my breath upon realizing I'd spoken.

Her face lit up in an absolutely brilliant smile. "Awesome. I'll text you details, oh wait, gimmie your number first." She rustled around her pockets, finally retrieving her phone. She watched me expectantly like a puppy.

I released a breathless laugh, feeling the pounding of my heart all the way in my eardrums. I pulled out my own phone and we promptly exchanged numbers.

If I had known that this interaction would be going down beforehand, I may not have agreed to come. Then again, I actually may have…

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes as Ronnie stared victoriously at her cell screen, elated over the new contact. "So are you going to tell me, or what? Why are you here?" I felt a bit bad for ruining her excitement, but I felt antsy for the answer.

"Huh?" She asked, eyes not returning to meet mine quite yet. "Oh, right. I guess you could say my reasoning is a bit similar to yours. We're both observers, yeah?"

I visibly perked up, taken by surprise the slightest. "So you're not secretly a mob leader?" I inquired.

"You must be thinking of Levi" she replied, playing along.

I leaned a little closer, noting how easily I slipped into more flirtatious tones and actions. "My apologies then, completely normal human being."

"Don't do that" Ronnie said in a low voice. "You're going to make me like you before I even have the chance to confirm my suspicions."

I released a light chuckle, embarrassed over the sudden blush donning my cheeks and ears. "You're getting off topic."

She hummed, glancing over at Annie and Ymir. The latter was laughing, then happened upon Ronnie's gaze. The brunette, once noticing us together, furrowed her brows and shot my companion a curious look. Ronnie wiggled her brows, and then Ymir frowned.

"Oh damn, she's onto us" Ronnie announced with a laugh.

I nudged her forearm. "Then hurry up and answer before we get interrupted. No details, no date."

She overdramatically groaned, then upon catching my skeptical glare, huffed out a chuckle and nudged my shoulder. "Fine. I won't string you along any longer. So basically I use everyone here for, well, artistic inspiration."

I raised a slightly intrigued brow.

She leaned her head back against the plaster, dark eyes scanning the remainder of the room. Everyone was caught up in their own discussions, their own individual worries and emotions.

"It's not hard to pick up on the overload of emotional baggage that these guys carry. The setting just kind of attracted me, I guess. I dealt with most of my shit in high school, so now I'm witnessing a lot of them struggle with theirs.

"And sure, it's a bit depressing, sometimes hectic and overwhelming, but I can't really help wanting to get to know everyone. There are so many brilliant and sweet people here that the world has just rejected. Maybe I'm not exactly one of them, but I still want to hear their stories."

"And then you draw about it?" I guessed. She released a dry laugh that resembled a cough. Levi's secondhand smoke was gathering nearby.

"Pretty much. I guess I'd have to show you to fully explain everything" she said, seeming to drift off into her own mind. Then suddenly she straightened back up, irises alight with excitement. "My sketchbooks are at my apartment. You should come check them out sometime" she added in a sly tone, then proceeded to stare me down with a very suggestive look in her eyes.

I offered a small smirk in response. "Maybe I will. It depends on how charmed I am by our first date." With that one statement, her puppy expression was back.

"Oh, fuck yeah" she muttered to herself.

Then an unexpected hand rested upon my shoulder, and I nearly peed myself out of shock. "She didn't haggle your soul from you, did she, blondie?" I heard from behind. _When the hell did Ymir get all the way over here and_ behind _me?_ I thought in confusion and mild irritation.

"Not quite yet" I replied in a neutral tone, reaching up to brush her hand off. "I'm waiting for her to come up with a better offer" I added, furtively glancing up at Ronnie through my lashes. Her eyes met mine, wide and intrigued, and I swear the red in her hair grew a shade brighter.

"Oh, and what's the original offer?" Ymir inquired, seemingly unaware of our little exchange.

I swiftly turned around to face the brunette, surprising her a bit. Then I raised a hand to smoothly brush my hair back, fixing my eyes upon Ymir's for a second longer than usual. She flushed in the same fashion as Ronnie had prior to this. "Are your psychic powers not working tonight?" I asked playfully. She didn't answer, still caught off guard by my unusually flirty behavior.

High off of the attention, I simply shrugged and moved toward the kitchen door. The two remaining lesbians were left in a unified silence.

* * *

 **AN: Review if you feel inclined.**


	33. Nonsense On the Screen

**AN: I meant to edit and upload this last night, but ended up writing for three hours instead. *dramatic sobs* I just wanted to get some sleep, but of course I had to stay up extra late. Oh well, I got shit done. Aaaand hopefully by the next upload I'll have adopted a rabbit. My sister's getting married in a little over two weeks, so when I get back from that, I can pick a new bun up from the shelter. I'm so excited, and I might end up starting a bunny blog on Tumblr, lol.**

* * *

 _Chapter Thirty Three- Nonsense On the Screen_

* * *

 _So last night really wasn't a dream,_ I concluded upon waking up that Saturday morning, laying stiff on Ymir and Annie's couch.

I only vaguely remembered what happened past midnight. Through the exhaustion, cigarette smoke, and those two shots of vodka, a lot had grown rather hazy. At least I didn't have a hangover, I surmised while watching Ymir blow precariously on her steaming mug of coffee from the armchair by the window. She kept her eyes on the ground and away from any direct light, having drunk much more than I'd witnessed before. Turns out it takes a gallon of alcohol to get her drunk, and for there to be any side effects in the aftermath.

I readjusted my shirt and pushed my hair back, wondering how late we must've got back considering I hadn't made it home. Sometime past three, it appeared upon glancing at my phone. The first messages from Ronnie arrived around three twenty in the morning. Then they stopped around four, and a couple more arrived just a half hour ago.

"Is she always this energetic on four hours of sleep?" I asked, brows scrunched together as I scrolled through the texts.

"Yeah" Ymir answered grumpily. "She's evolved into a greater race of the human species during these past three years. Irregular sleep schedule? Doesn't hinder her. I doubt she even needs sleep at this point."

"Hmm" I hummed in response, having reached the end of the texts. _"Oh shoot, my roommate wants me to assemble some furniture he ordered. My awesome lesbian strength is required, lolz. Ttyl"_ the final message read.

I leaned back with a soft groan, feeling stiff and heavy.

After a full minute of Ymir blowing continuously on her drink, Annie walked in, looking supremely unaffected by the night's events. She moved behind Ymir, then reached over to pull open the blinds of the window. The brunette promptly released a squeal of pain as the sunlight flooded in.

"That's it" she moaned out, "I'm filing for those divorce papers."

Annie chuckled lowly. "That's funny, I don't recall ever receiving a ring."

Ymir continued to curl up within herself, attempting to shield her eyes from any hint of light. "You're killing me. Look, I'm burning" she droned, "Oh no, I'm dead." Her monotonous complaints ended in silence.

Annie simply moved to the kitchen to find something to eat.

* * *

Luckily I had remembered to tell Sasha where I'd be that evening, thereby avoiding any sort of panic at my late night disappearance. Once I got back home, I found that my roommate wasn't even awake yet. It was a little after nine, so I flopped down on my bed and pulled out my phone. I had to shield my eyes from the morning sunrays peeking through the blinds.

Ronnie had sent me seventeen messages in total after leaving Levi's. I snorted and scanned the list a second time with half-lidded eyes, wondering whether to respond to her nonsense.

Before I could decide, the phone began to vibrate, screen lit up with a call. _Ymir_ , I noted with a frown. _What now?_

I answered and waited for her to explain what was up, seeing that I'd been with her not even a half hour ago. "So I found your earrings on the floor" she began, voice still hoarse. "I vaguely remember you yanking them out, then throwing them down before passing out. Should I wait until Monday to give them back?"

"And here I thought it was something urgent" I replied, examining my heavily chipped nail polish. "But yeah, bring them to class, if you remember."

"Cool" she affirmed, then the line went silent for a string of seconds.

I sighed into the receiver. "Ymir, what is it you really called for?"

She made a groaning noise as if she was contemplating something. "Well, like… Are you just entertaining Ronnie? Because I'm trying to run this whole over and it really doesn't make a lot of sense."

I nearly laughed at her statement. Imagine Ymir, of all people, confused by the interaction between two humans. I already figured that she couldn't read her own relationships, but _come on_. I suddenly recalled her reaction to the news of our pending date many hours before. She made an odd face as if her whole perception of me had been twisted into some indistinguishable shape.

"Why are you so perplexed? I thought Ronnie flirted with all of your straight girls."

"Of course she does. It just usually doesn't work. And on the rare occasion that it does, the relationship never lasts long. You should know what you're getting into; she's awful at keeping girlfriends. Probably due to a lack of time management." She mumbled the last part to herself.

This time I did laugh, although it was rather dry. "Damn, who said anything about being her girlfriend? It's just one date."

I could hear the strain of her voice in her next statement; "Sure, but _why_?"

I rolled my eyes, then glanced at my bedraggled image being reflected back in the mirror across from me. "It was a deal we made, okay? And I don't really get why you're making this out into such a huge thing. Just because you thought you had me figured out doesn't mean-"

I stopped myself, having noticed the drastic rise in my volume. _Why am I so worked up too?_ "… Never mind. It's just something I thought I'd try, I guess. Not every small decision I make is a key to understanding my life motives."

She went quiet again. Knowing Ymir, it was probably because she was thinking, rather than feeling reflective or apologetic. "Yeah, okay. Sorry, I… I can't really help analyzing everyone. And then I get too pushy." There was a faint rustling on the other end, like she was leaning back against the sofa. "Well, see you Monday?"

"Uh huh" I agreed in a gentler tone. "See you then."

* * *

 **AN: Thanks for reading; review if you want. Talk to you muffins again probably once school starts. *internal screaming***


	34. Text Messages and Butterflies

**AN: Hey everyone! Sorry that I took longer than expected. I've been stressed, I guess you could say. I've had a couple small breakdowns recently. Not due to my schoolwork, thankfully. Just some other stuff that I have to power through. But I'm here now! Still don't have a bunny, but I'm crossing my fingers for next time.**

* * *

 _Chapter Thirty Four- Text Messages and Butterflies_

* * *

I fell asleep not long after ending Ymir and I's call. I slept well into the afternoon, only finally waking up after four. I ate a meal then watched TV for a short time while Sasha struggled with her math homework. I probably should have been doing my own schoolwork as well, but I honestly felt brain dead.

Around six I decided to respond to Ronnie's texts from earlier. She reentered the conversation with excitement, explaining how the furniture pieces didn't quite fit the way they were supposed to. She also briefly mentioned how she broke a piece, accidentally amidst the struggle, of course.

 _"_ _Is your roommate mad that you broke it?"_ I texted, glancing back at the television screen occasionally, not nearly as invested in the show as much as I had been previously.

 _"_ _Not really. He's pretty chill. He's sending me on a mission to Ikea tomorrow though. I'll be searching for a bigger and better replacement."_

 _"_ _Alone?"_

 _"_ _Yeah. He's kind of a hermit, so I do most of the shopping for the two of us."_ Her reply gave me an idea, and it was one that a part of me really did not want to go through with. I'd been ignoring the rational portion of my brain for the past week anyway, so what was one other hasty, and probably stupid, decision?"

 _"_ _Want some company?"_ I hesitated before sending, then closed my eyes and clicked the button anyway.

Her next message arrived rather quickly. _"How could a girl say no to that? I knew I picked a charmer."_

An overpowering feeling of anxiety hit me in the chest as I read her response. Part of it could have been excitement, although I couldn't quite interpret it through the immediate chills.

 _"_ _Anyone ever tell you that your sense of humor is similar to Ymir's?"_ I questioned, forcing myself to pay attention to the conversation at hand instead of dwelling on stupid emotions. I actually had picked up on the manner that the two texted, in fact.

 _"_ _Really? Guess I lack originality. But hey, my style is less crass at the very least, yeah?"_

I snorted, and set my phone in my lap for an instant. There was this uncomfortable thumping in my chest that I still couldn't quite make sense of, nor discard despite my efforts. I didn't understand why a simple over-the-phone conversation would give me such a buzz. _Do I like her?_ I wondered. If so, what would that mean for my entire view of myself, for my future? Oh shit, too big of questions in too little time.

 _"_ _I guess so"_ I answered, then paused before sending. _"You're lucky I find your humor entertaining, hot shot"_ I added.

 _"_ _You'd figure, considering how much you and Ymir hang out. You know, I used to be her straight friend before you."_ I frowned, catching onto that joke too easily. _"Lol, jk. But we were pretty good buds last year. You could say I was her mentor to lesbianism. The Vader to her Luke Skywalker."_

There was a pause after that message, and I laughed when she quickly followed up with, _"Wait, no. That's not right. The Dumbledore to her Harry Potter? I think that one works."_

 _"_ _What happened to that fantastic team up? Did she lose interest? Even better, did stone-cold Annie get jealous?"_

I waited over three minutes for her next response. That wouldn't be unusual if she hadn't been texting me mere seconds after every message. I suppose she was thinking this next statement through.

 _"_ _Nice guesses. She just sorta… Started falling apart, I think? She's a lot more closed off now. She came back after winter break last year and seemed different. That was around the time she began flirting with random girls. She's had a lot of 'friends' off and on since then."_

I furrowed my brows, both confused and worried. _"You mean, like, she was cheating on Annie?"_

 _"_ _Oh no, definitely not. It's like, she was half-interested in everything. Would tow a girl around just to drop her in a week or two. It was another distraction from reality, I think."_

 _"_ _Were you surprised by me, then? I didn't realize I was any sort of exception."_

 _"_ _Your presence confuses me; I'll give you that. Maybe she sees a bit of herself in you? Idk, I'm no psychologist. It's cool that you're around though."_

 _"_ _Why's that? Do I look like some sort of fresh meat to you?"_

 _"_ _Lol. We're not all animals, you know. But no, I'm just intrigued. Ya know?"_

I leaned back into the cushions, the buzz of the TV nothing more than white noise. I vaguely heard Sasha say something a few minutes ago. I think it was about picking up a pizza, maybe?

Fingers hovering over the small phone keyboard for a few moments, I finally began typing again. _"Yeah, I know."_

* * *

Ronnie picked me up at around three the next afternoon. She arrived in a rather nice Jeep Wrangler. "Cool car" I commented upon climbing into the passenger seat. "Buy it yourself?"

"Yup" she replied with enthusiasm. "Got it last year after selling a few paintings. It's amazing how much you can barter out of people" she said with a laugh. I didn't have much of a response, and she quickly caught onto that. "I didn't scam anyone, if that's what you're thinking. Those were some of my nicer pieces."

I sat back and buckled up, feeling oddly anxious over our little outing. "Do you sell most of your pieces then? Or just ones that are a bit more impersonal?"

"Depends on how much money I need that month." She immediately laughed at my wide eyes, and I resisted slapping her arm like I would've done if it were Ymir. "Sorry" she huffed out, "I just love that shocked look on your face. But you're right. There's a lot that I'd rather just keep for myself. I also do commissions though. Those don't bring in much income, but every little bit counts. Plus, it's more impersonal, as you said."

"You'll show me sometime, won't you?" I asked, feeling a bit bold. The engine grew louder as Ronnie began to drive, heading off campus and towards the main roads.

"Definitely. How could I resist bringing a cute girl back to my place?" She questioned, back to the flirting already. I rolled my eyes and braced myself for the rest of the afternoon.

* * *

 **AN: Review if you want to. I love getting moral support every so often, haha. Oh wait! And if you haven't already, go check out my new YumiKuri one-shots. I think I've published four this summer, and like, three in the past month. Alright, now I'm done.**


	35. The Poor Man's Theme Park

**AN: EYYY I finally adopted a rabbit this past week. Her name's Azuki, and she's a major bitch. Like mother, like daughter. Gah, I'm so proud. In other news, AP psychology is stressing me the hell out. But I'm reminding myself that I'm not a quitter. I will prevail!**

* * *

 _Chapter Thirty Five- The Poor Man's Theme Park_

* * *

"Are you ready to experience the poor man's theme park?" Ronnie asked promptly after parking in front of the massive Ikea. Beams of early spring sunlight broke through the remaining clouds, brightening up her dashboard.

"Wait, are we at Six Flags?" I questioned back, glancing at her with a mock expression of confusion.

She laughed dryly, and rechecked her parking brake. "It sounds like you're one of those Disneyland girls.'

"Disney World, actually" I correctly simply. "When my uncle could afford a day. I'm from Georgia; not too far a trip."

Her face lit up. "Really? I'm from South Carolina! We're practically neighbors! And here I thought I was stuck with a bunch of West-Coasters." She cut the engine off, pulled out the keys, and leaned back into her seat. "What brings you so far out here?"

I looked down at my hands, laid neatly in my lap. "The school, of course" I evenly replied.

"Bullshit. We're basically a state university. Nothing special."

"Then why are you here?" I fired back. _Crap, that sounded aggressive._

She glanced out the windshield in thought, unfazed by my unnecessary tone. "I guess I was just trying something new? And the art program was decent. Everything about it sort of added up" she answered lightly.

I felt even worse about my previously accusatory tone. "Oh" I replied blandly, fingers fidgeting nervously now. Ronnie unbuckled herself and shifted to face me, leaning her shoulder heavily into the seat cushion.

"Were you running away from something, Christa? Because if that's the case, you did better than Ymir." She paused and laughed a bit. "Her and Annie are from up north. Not far. Just past Sacramento, if I remember correctly. Or maybe it was Redding? Between those two."

I honestly wasn't sure how to respond. Why did the truth even matter, anyway? It's not like I believed she'd be sticking around long. What reason _was_ there to stay? Then again, all the more reason to not struggle with stupid excuses. "Yeah, you could say that" I responded, deciding upon something prompt and indirect.

"I'm not going to get much out of you, am I?" She questioned, already assuming what the answer would be.

"Not unless you get some alcohol in me. That seems to be Ymir's tactic."

Ronnie chuckled. "I don't doubt that."

* * *

 _There are literally only married couples here,_ I thought in amazement as Ronnie waltzed through the extensive showroom. With the way she kept asking my opinion on certain features, everyone must have assumed we were one of them. I wasn't sure if I was embarrassed over that notion or not.

"I've always loved these lantern-style hanging lights, but I have no idea where I'd put one. Our apartment is more rough around the edges; you know?"

"No, I wouldn't. I've never seen it" I reminded her, slightly amused.

She hummed and swung around to examine the smooth, dark surface of a cabinet. "Oh yeah, right. Huh. Our kitchen could really use some nicer cabinets." She ran a finger along the wooden surface. "Then again, I'm moving out within the next year" she muttered to herself.

I snorted and peeked inside a nearby display. It was a model of a tiny, one-person apartment. The décor was too neat to seem conventional. "I don't understand what people are thinking when they set these displays up. Why have such a compact living space, then spend the extra money on an extravagant painting?"

"It's just a design example, cutie" Ronnie answered with a short laugh.

I pondered over the new pet name for a moment, then moved on. "It's just not believable, nor does it make any practical sense" I concluded, exiting the area to keep on moving. I glanced around for a map, wondering how far the side table section was. It couldn't be too far off. Although considering the pace at which Ronnie was allowing us to move, I'd guess it'd take us at least an hour to get there.

"I gotta be honest and say that I never imagined having a first date at an Ikea. But now that I think about it, there's food, hordes of other people, and an entertaining setting so… Maybe I should've considered it sooner" Ronnie mused, walking at a steady pace beside me. Her arm brushed against mine every so often; I wondered if she noticed as acutely as I did.

"Oh, so this is the date we agreed upon?" I asked in an innocent tone. She touched me again and my skin erupted in faint goosebumps.

Her face twisted up in thought as a few moments ticked by. "Er, well… I guess it depends on whether you're enjoying it?" She answered, although a bit timidly.

I smirked a little, growing even more amused with her mannerisms. "Are you giving room for yourself in the case you need a second chance?" I presumed, leaning into her intentionally, hoping to provoke some sort of reaction. She didn't notice. Why didn't she notice? Or maybe she was trying to be discreet and play it cool. _You're overthinking this,_ I interjected into my own argument.

"You read me too well. Please don't turn into a tiny, blonde Ymir. The world can only handle one" she said, seeming to trail off onto a whole other irrelevant subject.

I snorted and moved away, walking with a couple of inches between us again. "As if you're that hard to read. And I know you're being blunt with me; it's the tone of voice" I informed, curious as to how often she used this ever-playful persona. No sane human could be this cheerful.

She didn't miss a beat when replying. "I'm the blunt one?" She stated, followed by a laugh that was way too loud for such an enclosed and populated space. My face grew hot and I nudged her.

"Shh. People are staring" I muttered, glancing around wearily. She actually took notice of _this_ physical advance, and in response grabbed my forearm. She then began to gently pull me off to the side and away from the main stream of shoppers, all the while continuing to shake with laughter.

Now standing within a row of wardrobes, I found myself trapped between Ronnie and one of the tall, wooden piece of furniture. I mean, I could easily slip out, but we were very noticeably close in proximity.

I waited with flushed, red skin as her chuckles gradually died down to the point where she could verbally respond. I tried to appear annoyed by her small outburst, but couldn't quite manage a steady frown. Then as her breathing became more even, she looked down with sparkling eyes. "I really like you" Ronnie said breathlessly, leaning an arm against the wardrobe above my head. Oh shit, my face must have literally caught fire.

"I-I, um, you're sort of m-making a scene" I stuttered out, too nervous to meet her gaze again.

"Nah, I think we're good" she replied simply, remaining in that same relaxed stance. I looked everywhere but at her, sliding into a full-on panic mode. I couldn't think properly when my heart was pounding this fast.

I noticed a clearly marked map hanging only a few feet away, and in an almost euphoric relief, blurted out "Tables are just the next section over. W-we should go get what we came here for." I continued to keep my eyes fixated on the blue, overhead surface that mapped out the showroom. Her gaze slid over to read it as well, and after _too many_ seconds passed, she pushed herself upright once more.

"Oh yeah, nice find, cutie." The air I'd been holding in my lungs for the past minute suddenly escaped as if I was a deflating balloon. _I'm going to give myself a heart attack before the afternoon's over._

Pushing myself off of the wardrobe as well, I followed the taller woman back onto the marked pathway, heartrate still considerably unsteady.

* * *

 **AN: Let's all give a round of applause for hot girls flirting with other hot girls, yeah? I've probably mentioned this before, but I'll say it again, this story is such a slow burn... Review if you're still hanging in there, haha.**


	36. Headlights

**AN: Hey, muffins! I was going to upload this on Monday (oops), but apparently was not in the mood for editing. Then I started working on my original story again aaaand here we are. At least I'm making progress in one form or another though, right?**

* * *

 _Chapter Thirty Six- Headlights_

* * *

Ronnie wrote down the specific table that she wanted, and before we went downstairs to the warehouse, she stopped at the entrance to the store's restaurant, or cafeteria, eatery, whatever. I didn't quite trust food that was served in a _furniture_ store, but she swore they had decent pies and cakes. So, of course, I let her buy me a piece.

As we sat at one of the many stark white round tables, wondering why the hell my piece of cake didn't taste awful, Ronnie chattered about her summer last year. A lot of the story involved Ymir, which piqued my interest just a smidgen more.

"-so we basically ended up with fifteen pieces of taffy. It was great. You'd think it was Levi's idea to discreetly steal the stuff, but it was one of the girls, uh-" she rested her palm against her forehead, deep in thought. "Bisexual Katie!" She stated loudly, an absolute look of pride adorning her features upon remembering the name.

" _Bisexual_ Katie?" I questioned with a small chuckle.

"Well, yeah. We had a lesbian Katie that year too. But don't blame me for the unoriginal nicknames. Levi comes up with them. Anyway, it was a fairly successful team effort." She stabbed her fork into her cheesecake, then took a thoughtful bite. "Another heroic tale from that summer" she started off, then smiled at her own untold story. "Me and a few other girls were scoping out the tide pools by Annie's grandparents' house when Ymir had the great idea of making use of the cliffs further up north."

I laid my fork down with a loud clink and stared at her with wide eyes. "Please don't tell me you went cliff diving" I said in a disbelieving tone. She grinned, and I automatically paled. "You idiots" I groaned.

"Hey, I have no regrets" Ronnie replied, appearing thoroughly satisfied with herself. I rolled my eyes and tried to focus on the cake in front of me, stabbing at the thick frosting in exasperation.

From what I'd heard so far, the two girls were infuriatingly reckless, and they only served to feed off of each other's careless personalities. Thank any and every deity that Annie was around most of the time, otherwise I'm pretty sure either one or both of the lesbians would be dead by now. Then I sighed, pausing my moody nitpicking at the innocent food.

"Do you really like Ymir that much?" Ronnie asked, as if it was the most casual question in her vocabulary. At my incredulous glance, she clarified, "You just got a bit worked up over what I said."

She was definitely right about the second part, yet I wasn't sure how to answer the first. "I…" I attempted to begin, then closed my mouth. How could I explain the feeling that even I couldn't interpret? "She's been a pretty decent friend; I guess you could say. So I obviously wouldn't want her to get hurt or anything." _Yeah, that was a safe response._

"Ymir? A good friend?" She mused, then stopped, seeming to rethink her attempt at a joke. "No, I get it though. Considering how screwed over she was during her childhood, it's impressive that she gives anyone a second thought. Although that definitely doesn't excuse her stupid behavior."

I looked back up to meet Ronnie's solemn gaze. _So the persona does come off every once in a while,_ I noted. "You actually know something about her past, then? She always seems so closed off over it."

She snorted humorlessly. "Yeah. It took over a year and a lot of booze, but I've got a pretty clear picture. It was bad, so she doesn't like reliving that, you know? Even Annie shuts up about it. She tells everyone that it's Ymir's story to tell, not hers."

"I'm assuming you won't spill anything, in that case" I inferred, a bit of disappoint creeping into my voice.

"Sorry. She'll open up if you stick around long enough, though. She just takes time." During the brief silence that followed, another question snuck its way into my train of thought. I didn't want to dampen the mood any further, but it seemed like a viable opportunity for some real information.

"You were around when the drunk driving incident happened, right?" Her mouth gaped open for a moment, then closed; probably deciding how exactly to respond. But her shifting eyes gave me the answer I needed. "What really happened? Although Annie mentioned it, she was pretty vague about the whole thing."

"It…" Ronnie trailed off, eyes fixated on her empty plate. There weren't many people sitting in our area, yet we still spoke in soft tones. "It was sort of my fault" she finally said.

 _"_ _How?"_ I wanted to ask, perplexed. She continued before I could cut in.

"We were at my apartment. Her and Annie were fighting, it was a bad one, and she just needed to vent. We had some beers, and then throughout the long conversation, I lost track of how much she drank. I said she could stay over, but she was already upset over some comment I'd made earlier. I don't even remember it at this point. She was irritated though, and drunk. Like, _fuck_ , I should've known how hammered she was.

"I asked her again a couple more times, told her it wasn't a great idea to be driving, made up all sorts of excuses. She wasn't listening and I was tired and I just…" Ronnie's eyes had gone dull, as if she was sucked back into the unpleasant memory. "I let her leave."

"She obviously wasn't heading home. Maybe she wanted to go for a calming drive or, I don't know, maybe she just wasn't thinking clearly at all? Either way, I got a call from Annie almost an hour later. I remember my heart sinking to the bottom of my stomach when I saw the caller ID. When I answered she was already crying. She'd just gotten off the phone with Ymir and needed me to pick her up. They share a car. Of course I agreed, and tried to move as quickly as I could.

"I eventually picked Ymir up on the side of the road. The car was halfway in a ditch and she was panicked. Like, she'd just stared death in the eye. I asked her for the full side of her story the next day. She didn't remember much of the drive. However, she clearly recalled being suddenly blinded by a pair of headlights. She was conscious to know that she was headed straight for the oncoming car, and swerved last minute to try to avoid the collision. Thankfully she managed. And then she got out of the car and did the first think that popped into her head: called Annie."

When Ronnie finished, she continued to examine the white table absently. I had no words. Imagining the situation was terrifying in itself. I couldn't even comprehend what it felt like to be part of it. "And she still hasn't quit drinking" I said quietly, slightly out of it and mostly dumbstruck.

I was surprised that Ronnie even replied. "Some people are addicted to destroying themselves. I think we're all scared that one day, it won't work out quite so miraculously."

I gazed at her heavy expression, worry overtaking mine. Then I reached out and laid a hand over her idle one. "Thanks for telling me. That must have been traumatic, then having to think about what you could've done to stop it…" I paused. Thoughts of my uncle and mother arose, and for once I understood why. "But you did what you could, you know? In the end, you still _tried_."

She met my eyes with a gentle surprise. "I'm glad Ymir stopped picking up shitty friends" Ronnie muttered, although I'm sure she intended for me to hear it. I gave her a mild smile.

"And I'm glad she had a not-so-shitty one from the start." I tilted my head, and she smiled as well. My unsteady heartrate roared on, yet I felt in that moment that I could bear it.

* * *

 **AN: HAPPY SPOOPTOBER! Sorry, I just realllllly love October and Halloween. Too bad I don't have any money for a costume this year (I wanted to be Sailor Jupiter T-T). It's chill, though. Maybe next year I'll get to be a lesbian senshi.**


	37. Ikea Parking Lot

**AN:** Hey, muffins. It's been too long, but to be fair, I did have to tackle the ACT this month. But I'm back, hyped up on a three day binge of Carmilla, and my newly dyed hair. Alright, time to channel the gay.

* * *

 _Chapter Thirty Seven- Ikea Parking Lot_

* * *

"Do you really need that cart? The box won't be very big" I inquired with a cocked brow. Ronnie grinned back at me, then wheeled her large, industrial cart past another aisle stocked with boxed furniture.

"C'mon, we both already know that the cart isn't necessary. But you can still let me have my fun, cutie" she replied playfully. I merely rolled my eyes and walked quickly beside her in order to keep up with her longer strides.

"Memories of shopping with Ymir are resurfacing" I stated blandly, vividly recalling her similar antics. "Hopefully this outing doesn't end in a panic attack as well" I added under my breath.

"Oh! Aisle Eleven!" Ronnie exclaimed, using her entire body to make a wide turn with the heavy transportation object. She began to build up speed, then dashed down the aisle as her cart squeaked along ahead.

I discreetly shook my head and made a much less dramatic turn toward our destination.

* * *

The sky was a dark blue hue by the time we were finished shopping. I was no longer sure of how long we'd been in there. After seeing the lamplights flicker on, however, I'd say we took longer than I had initially expected.

"It was a pretty great date, I'll admit" Ronnie stated, packaged table resting against her shoulder as we exited the store. "I mean, we had great and deep conversations, you blushed a lot, there was _cake_. Hell, I think I already hear wedding bells in the distance."

"As far as I recall, neither of us confirmed that this was a date" I reminded her. "Also, you're ridiculous."

Brushing off my additional comment with short laugh, she replied "Oh, so now you want another date? I thought I was the one cheating the terms of our agreement" she teased. I assume she would lean down and look at me in that smug way of hers if it wasn't for the heavy box that she had to keep propped up.

"You flatter yourself" I responded simply, then upon examining the parking lot, realized how far out she had parked her Jeep. "You sure that you're okay carrying it?"

"Like you said earlier, it's not very big. Plus, I've got those lesbian muscles. Trust me, the moment you admit to lesbianism, _boom_."

I rolled my eyes dramatically. "Who ever said I was a lesbian?"

"I'm not exactly making any bold assumptions, but come on. I see the way you look at me" she said haughtily. _Ah, back to the teasing._

"Hm. Have you considered that _maybe_ I just want you for your lesbian muscles?"

She abruptly halted and glanced down at me with wide eyes. "I've been played." Then upon noticing my surprised reaction, burst into laughter for the second, or perhaps even third, time that day.

" _Ridiculous_ " I repeated aloud, holding back snickers of my own. Her overly cheerful attitude was somehow contagious. I suppose that's why she wore the persona so exuberantly.  
Our conversation on the way back to the car remained just as light. It was a good contrast to the previous topic. And yet as oddly enjoyable I found Ronnie's company to be, I already was preparing myself for it to end. I think I'd need a few days with minimal social contact in order to properly recharge after this evening.

Once we got to the car, Ronnie loaded the table in the trunk while I texted Sasha that I was on my way home. I'd been fairly vague to her about my day's activities, so I was hoping that she wouldn't ask too many questions about it when I got there. I still wasn't sure how I felt about it all, not to mention exactly how much I wanted her to know.

The text was sent, the table was loaded, and both Ronnie and I stood at the back of the Jeep. My head was a bit of a jumbled mess, yet I still felt the urge to say something about our, er, outing. Or date. _Maybe it was a date,_ I cautiously thought.

"Thanks for coming out here with me. I tend to get pretty bored when left alone too long" she informed with a polite smile.

"I thought artists were introverts" I replied, keeping it on the level of small talk.

"Not all of us are." As we lapsed into a still quiet, Ronnie looked out over the wide parking lot, seemingly contemplating something. "I wasn't kidding about what I said earlier, Christa. I really like you."

Taken aback, I gaped for a bit of time. I then started to clench and unclench my left fist nervously, wracking my brain for a proper response. I could try to avoid the topic of feelings, especially considering that I didn't have my own completely mapped out. Then again, I could dive right in and sort it out myself. The bolder option was the scariest of the two, obviously.

"I actually enjoyed… this, too. I really don't know how to make sense of everything right now, honestly. I had fun and I think… I think I'd want to do this again." It all came out in a sort of jumble; quick words with awkward pauses in between. And then I was simply out of breath.

She was shocked, and then came the excitement, and then the expression of absolute elation. "Really?" Ronnie gasped out, taking a step closer. Her hands were lifted in a sort of joyous gesture. I reached out and laid my hands atop hers, both to ensure a reasonable distance and to hold my slightly shaking body steady.

"Y-yeah." She looked down at our hands. _She noticed the physical contact_ , I thought in relief. It wasn't just me who was hyper-aware of every little detail.

She huffed out an unexpected laugh, and rubbed her thumb along the top of my hand, our palms still touching. "Sorry. I don't know why I'm getting so excited. I think you just took me by surprise, is all" she said.

I shook my head in exasperation. "I thought you had more confidence than that."

"As if you can ever be that sure." The corner of her mouth moved up in a cute half smile. My erratic heartbeat turned into a gentle thrumming.

I let go of her hands, and in my absence her arms to dropped to her sides. Then I breathed deeply and took two steps forward. All of those messy thoughts within my head began to go blank. My reasoning and constant excuses died out, leaving a calm silence. I stood on my tip-toes, and reached up to wrap my arms around her neck.

She was at a loss for words at first, then seemed to snap into her instincts, cautiously placing her hands on my hips. She was accustomed to this, I'm sure. Definitely much more experienced. This must be second nature to her.

"Would it be okay if I kissed you?" Ronnie asked softly.

 _Words,_ I vaguely thought, _where are your words?_ I wasn't in any state to be smart and articulate about it, so I let my heart do the talking instead of my confused brain. "I think so" I eventually answered.

"If you don't like it, just push me away, alright?" She instructed in that same gentle tone.

I nodded, and she leaned in. My eyelids fluttered closed, then without another instant ticking past, her lips were on mine. They were smooth and warm and… More different from what I was used to than I had previously thought they'd be. This was a whole other playing field.

And in that same moment, something in the back of my brain clicked. I kissed her back, and _everything_ made sense. She was both comfortable and exciting. The kind of fire that you could get lost in. So her lips moved against mine, hesitant at first, then more eager as time waned on.

My first kiss with a girl took place in an Ikea parking lot. And to be honest, I liked it. I liked it quite a lot.

* * *

 **AN: Not entirely sure what kind of reaction this will incite, so I'm just gonna go hang out in that corner over there. Review if you want to.**


	38. We Were Discussing Dogs

**AN: My excuse this time was that I had an awful week. I mean, I'm a gay woman living in America. My reaction to Tuesday was to be expected.**

* * *

 _Chapter Thirty Eight- We Were Discussing Dogs_

* * *

The sky rained down a flurry of hail that Monday morning, the pattering against the building's windows and roof echoed around the quiet classroom. Ymir yawned beside me, tapping her pencil against the desk. The professor had paused his writing on the whiteboard, briefly turning to scan his notes.

"Did you actually stay up to finish your homework?" I whispered upon leaning over. Ymir suppressed a laugh and shook her head.

"Annie and I were watching a horror movie last night" she explained in a low tone.

"And you got scared?" I teased. "Is that what kept you up?" She shot me a mockingly annoyed look.

"You didn't let me finish. We watched the movie, it was decent, so we figured we'd rent the sequel. You know, in hindsight, we should've realized that the second one would be bad. Sequels are always awful" she trailed off, staring at the whiteboard blankly. "Anyway, we stopped watching at like, two, I think? And then we, well… we stopped watching." She cut herself off. "Got, uh, distracted."

"You're telling me that you didn't go to sleep at two like a more responsible student would?" I questioned, the answer already being very obvious.

"That's about right" Ymir replied, abruptly yawning once again.

"Horny teens" I muttered, then remembered to jot down the new bullet points on the board.

She clearly heard me but chose to ignore the comment. "And how was your Sunday evening, Christa? Much more _responsible_ , I'm guessing." She smiled at my sour look.

"My evening was fine, thanks for asking. Had a hard time falling asleep, but I apparently still got more rest than you" I responded simply, still considerably close to Ymir. I could hear her breathing, and although the repetitive sound often put me more at ease, I felt her presence setting me on edge today instead.

"Are you feeling stressed? Maybe you should ease up; try not to overwork yourself" she murmured as the professor stepped away from the whiteboard.

"It's not that. I'm doing okay" I replied softly. "Just… Stuff on my mind. Stupid, everyday stuff." _Questioning your sexuality isn't quite everyday stuff,_ I reluctantly reminded myself.

"Hm" Ymir acknowledged simply. She flipped to a new page in her notebook, and I followed her lead by writing down the details of the homework.

* * *

The hail had let up, leaving only overcast skies and a distinct chill to the air. Ymir and I walked together to my last class of the day, only to find that it had been canceled. After a moments of silence, Ymir pointed out that her afternoon schedule was free. "Want to get a late lunch?" She then prompted.

We decided on a place on-campus, between the arts and literature departments. We traversed the school grounds together, bundled up in jackets against the harsh wind.

"Are you kidding me, Christa?" Ymir asked in disbelief. "Dogs are so much better than cats. They actually _care_ about you."

I don't remember how we landed on this topic, only that we had harshly different views. Plus, neither wanted to back down in regards to opinion, as to be expected.

I rolled my eyes. "Oh yeah, because blind loyalty is so appealing."

"If you died in your home, your cat would eat you. You realize that, right?" She asked, seemingly exasperated now.

"Everything has to sustain itself."

"Yeah, and dogs need to eat too. Doesn't mean they're eager to rip off pieces of our flesh."

"I don't think you're arguing this point very well" I commented, stifling a laugh at her flushed face and alert eyes. She obviously took this very seriously.

"Okay, well, at least dogs actually want to be near you."

"Sounds suffocating."

"I don't know about you, but I actually enjoy companionship."

"Cats are more convenient, however. They don't have to be walked, and they don't need constant attention."

"At that point you're just raising a moody teen." She raised a challenging brow. _"I'm right, aren't I?"_ Her smug expression read.

"I'm simply saying that ideally a cat would be better. I guess I wouldn't know for sure though, since I've never had pets."

"You see? Take it from an expert. I had a dog from ages one to nine. His name was Mackerel and he was a fantastic friend. Never attempted to eat me, either."

I snorted in laughter. "You named your dog Mackerel?"

She grinned, beaming down at me in that radiant manner of hers. "Hey, I think it was a cute name. And no, I didn't name him. I think my mom… did." Her smile fell back into a neutral position. She looked back up and ahead, shoulders stiff.

I recoiled a bit at her sudden coldness. _God, Ymir,_ I thought, _what happened to you?_

Thankfully a distraction quickly presented itself. Or presented _herself_ , I suppose I should say. Although honestly, her sudden presence was bringing me more stress than I needed.

"Christa, Ymir!" Ronnie shouted from a couple yards away. We both perked up at the tall woman nearly bounding toward us. Her wild hair bounced once more as she made a quick halt before us. "What brings you guys over here?"

"Food. And why are _you_ over here? I thought you only had an English credit left?" Ymir retaliated all too swiftly.

Ronnie glanced back at the arts department to our left, the direction she had come from. "Oh yeah, that's right. I was just delivering some supplies that Lou forgot this morning." A darker cloud passed over the sun, casting a harsher shadow on the school grounds.

"Louis is my roommate" she hastily explained after taking notice of my blank expression. "Anyway, food you said?" Her face lit up. "Over there, I'm guessing?" She pointed in the correct direction.

"Yes" Ymir confirmed hesitantly.

"Cool! I'll join you then. Haven't eaten anything for hours." She smiled expectantly at us while Ymir released a slow, drawn-out sigh.

"You can't just invite yourself, Ronnie" she tried to interject.

"And why not? You do it all the time. Remember that time I was on a _date_ with that red-head. Denise, I think it was? You just plopped yourself right into the booth. Stayed with us the entire evening. Ordered three beers, I'll add." She continued to smile.

"In my defense, I was expecting to get carded, and then I'd be on my way." Ronnie's stiff grin didn't let up. Oh shit, it was some sort of showdown of the wills.

As they both stared each other down in silence, I could see Ymir cracking. She already had little patience over our extensive homework. She couldn't possibly hold up much longer.

And I was right. "Fine" Ymir breathed, running a hand through her hair.

"Great!" Ronnie immediately replied, throwing an arm around my shoulder, standing right between Ymir and me, I'll add.

Ymir leaned forward to shoot me a slightly apprehensive, mostly apologetic look. I shook my head. _Something tells me that this sort of situation was inevitable._

* * *

 **AN: Review if you want. I'm always up for a reassuring comment.**


	39. And There Was Silence

**AN: I promise the word count will even itself out with the number of chapters eventually. It's bothering me too.**

* * *

 _Chapter Thirty Nine- And There Was Silence_

* * *

I was faced with my first dilemma early on. Of _course_ they had to sit on opposite sides of the table, leaving me to stand and glance between the two. Should I sit with the girl I came with, the one I had actually intended to be talking to? Or should I sit next to the girl I kissed the previous night? _Oh God, the girl I_ kissed _the previous night._

Well, it wasn't like we were dating. Then again, she might get offended if I didn't sit next to her. _Ronnie doesn't seem like the type_. I suppose that one advantage of being next to Ronnie would be easy access. I could shut her up quickly if she said too much. However, _not_ sitting next to Ymir might just be suspicious in of itself. _And now they're both staring at me_.

"Everything alright?" Ymir asked in a blandly perplexed tone.

"Hm? Yeah, totally" I stated within the span of a single second. _Act fast, Christa. You're really running out of time here,_ I desperately thought. I finally settled on the safest option, and roughly pulled out the chair next to Ymir's. I plopped down swiftly, attempting to make it appear as if the small ordeal hadn't been a struggle for me.

"Okay, well, anyway" Ronnie continued, having been cut off upon our arrival. "I coated the entire ceiling in this navy blue-"

"You repaint your room too much" Ymir cut in. The other woman gave her a very pointed look. "Don't give me that glare. You're moving in a few months. Why put the effort in?"

"Because I was feeling particularly _inspired_ " Ronnie answered mockingly. Then rolling her eyes at both Ymir and herself, said "I was annoyed, more like. Those stars have been there for, what, six months? And they're awful. I was basically doing touch ups. And now it looks glorious." She followed with a muttered, "Although I might've gotten some blue paint on my dresser… and bed spread."

"I don't think I've seen your bedroom since last summer" Ymir commented, twirling the straw of her water that arrived surprisingly quickly.

"October, but yeah, close" Ronnie corrected. "And you should drop by to check out the entirely new landscape. Give Christa an excuse to tag along too" she added with a small laugh.

"Was that what you had in mind for your _date_?" She asked teasingly, almost condescendingly. "It would be pretty stress-free for straight girl if I third-wheeled, I'll admit."

Ronnie shook her head, black and red curls bouncing about. And with that mere movement, I felt the heat from my body thoroughly drain. "As if that'd be a pleasant second date for either of us."

I snuck a quick glance over at Ymir, only to find her brows furrowed in confusion. "Second date?" She echoed.

I swiftly looked ahead, knowing that it was already too late to shut Ronnie up. I mean, of course I hadn't told Ymir about last night. It all happened so quick, and I was in no mood for another strange argument. But the artist across from us had entirely different plans of her own.

"Yeah. Christa didn't mention it? We sorta had the date last night. And so far, she doesn't despise me. I'd say it was a success."

I slowly brought my straw to my lips, taking small and distracted sips of water. Then I dared another look at Ymir, only to promptly choke on and cough up the liquid in my throat. Her expression held way too many emotions. In fact, it shouldn't have been humanly possible to stare at someone in that manner. But she managed it, and holy _shit_ was it uncomfortable.

"Really?" Was all she could say, very quietly. A part of her looked mad, then again, she also seemed astounded and disbelieving. Was that disappoint in her eyes? Almost as if two worlds were colliding and she had been caught in the middle? _Why does this feel like sweet revenge for that one dinner we had with_ my _friends?_

I nodded slowly at her, replying with a nearly inaudible "mm-hm."

And then we sat there in that same position, neither of us sure what to say at first. It must have been an entire minute of silence. The only sound I could pick up on was Ronnie's frantic clicking on her glass, probably unsure of how to react as well.

"I'm pretty sure you guys are doing some sort of telekinesis thing right now, and I wanna get in on that action because this is seriously weirding me out." Well, at least Ronnie was good at one thing: breaking the stagnation of tension.

"Sorry, Ronnie. I wish it was that easy" I said, thankful for the excuse to tear my eyes away from Ymir.

"She's right. It only works on blondes" Ymir added. It was a different direction than I had anticipated, but sure, anything at this point. I simply shrugged in exasperated agreement.

"Dammit. I'll remember that the next time I dye my hair" Ronnie responded, smiling as the color began to return to my face. I wanted to thank her for the distraction, but that may sound odd, especially in front of someone else. So I settled upon raising my brows and lifting the corners of my lips in a subtle look of appreciation. I watched her eyes light up.

* * *

 **AN: I'm semi-excited for the next chapter, so I hope I actually remember to upload it soon. I always put stuff off for irrelevant reasons.**


	40. Everything's All Jumbled Up

**AN: Where the hell did November go? Well, I guess it's December now, even though it only started to get cold here a couple of weeks ago. My complaints aside, just as I promised: I updated! You should all be proud of me. Really, though, I've gotten too far ahead in writing this, so I need to focus on more frequent updates.**

* * *

 _Chapter Forty- Everything's All Jumbled Up_

* * *

Ymir and I walked back to the dorms and housing area together that afternoon. Ronnie had been pulled aside by a friend of hers, talking about a concert or whatnot. That was awhile back, and now it was just back to me and the girl I'd originally come with.

I'll also mention that our little meal went fine after the original fiasco. In fact, our conversations following were totally drama-free. Honestly, I think all of us were skimming past and around those sorts of subjects intentionally. There were obviously a lot of questions left unspoken, and answers that I definitely couldn't provide. But I was very happy to wait.

"Got a lot of homework this evening?" Ymir asked, making an attempt at vain conversation. I shook my head and kept my eyes on my feet. The temperature had dropped drastically within the past hour, so we were both bundled up tight and keeping to ourselves.

"Seems like a lot's been on your mind lately" she tried again. "Is it Ronnie?" Another shake of my head.

"No, not entirely. I just… things are changing. I guess I'm at that stage in my life." A sudden shiver wracked my body, and I released a ragged breath. "Even more peculiar though," I continued, wanting to lighten our overall mood, "I feel like you're not reading me as easily as you used to."

"You're not as easy to read as you used to be" she replied plainly. Perhaps Ymir didn't have the energy for pleasantries today, I concluded. I usually appreciated her blunt truthfulness, but at this point it was beginning to feel rather harsh.

I licked my lips. The air was so cold and dry. And upon inspecting the sky, it appeared that it might hail again soon. You know, I wanted to say something witty. I wanted to make her laugh or grin. It'd been too long since it'd just been me and her, happy and joking. At least, it felt like it'd been too long. Maybe my sense of time was growing skewed.

I figured I'd open my mouth and a decent response would simply tumble out. Unfortunately, I had no such luck. My vocal chords had frozen over and my tongue had no heart to speak. Ymir noticed.

"Maybe it's because everything's all jumbled up in there" she finally prompted, setting a hand atop my head. I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling her heat in that single instant.

And then, suddenly, I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to tell her how confused I was. How everything in my life had been mapped out since _middle school_ , for fuck's sake. I was going to accomplish so much and have real friends, and a boyfriend who _loved me_. I figured I would have found that all by now. That was the plan, wasn't it?

And now I was questioning whether I'd even been looking in the right places. This woman had come along mere days ago, beaming like a ray from the literal sun. And she adored me for some unknown reason, and I _kissed_ her and the image had been replaying in my head ever since. It all felt so good. It felt right; _too right_. Nothing in life was supposed to be that perfect. That's what my uncle, and especially my mother, had always said.

The worst part of it all, though, was that I think I felt the same way about Ronnie as I had about Ymir for months. Yet, I was still "straight girl." I was still Historia desperately clinging to her last hope of a better life. _Christa_ wanted a life more sure and secure, but this… Maybe it was too much after all.

"I…" I tried to say something, but my throat closed up. Her words were so gentle. It was like she wasn't even mad anymore. It almost seemed like Ymir put a temporary hold on her feelings toward me dating one of her best friends, and now she was being kind. I would never understand this woman, and her shocking moments of pure humanity.

"No, I get it" she interceded before I could force any unnecessary words out. "Sometimes I think that I'm not even over that phase yet. Still have a lot of growing up to do. But it'll be okay, whatever's bogging your thoughts down. You've got real friends in plenty of places, blondie. Don't forget that, at least."

 _Real friends,_ I echoed. Yeah, at least one thing had gone according to plan. With that small assurance, I sighed and shut off my brain, even if only for a second or two. Then I leaned into Ymir as we neared the dormitories, and felt warm.

* * *

 **AN: Dealing with confusing emotions are fun. Yay for life revelations! If you enjoyed this chapter, or didn't (for some reason), go ahead and let me know in the review section. See you guys again soon!**


	41. Breath of Thunder

**AN:** **Looks like Overwatch is keeping the yuri spirit alive. *whispers* Now make PharMercy canon.**

 **Seriously though, the game's poster girl is gay (to an extent), so props for that, Overwatch creators.**

* * *

 _Chapter Forty One- Breath of Thunder_

* * *

I had a dream Thursday night. It was filled with long shadows and old familiar settings. The kitchen counters were dusty and the drapes hadn't been pulled back for days. Humidity seeped from outside into our home, coating me in sweat as the walls moaned. It was thunderstorm season in Georgia, and _he_ was not happy.

I felt like a child again, huddled against the stairs, straining to hear them but too afraid to get closer. There were sharp shouts that pierced the stagnant air. She dropped a glass. I could hear each shattering piece as it collided with the tile floor.

We didn't see him often. Sometimes he was smiling. Never at me, though. He liked her when it was convenient. I was never convenient. But when things got too real, as they often did, he grew angry, and big, and red, and loud. He was a cloud of burning steam, eating away at her tiny body like a July hurricane.

And then there was a slap. I flinched despite being yards away. She went quiet. The yelling stopped. The air boiled, blistering and unbearable. The footsteps followed, and in a panic I dashed to the front door. My bike was still in the yard. Probably hot to the touch due to spending the day out in the sun, but I had to leave, at least until he was gone.

Once I escaped, the surroundings blurry and warped, I rode. I didn't look back because I knew he didn't follow. He wouldn't show his face in broad daylight in this neighborhood, anyway. Sometimes I'd wonder if she was okay, if she needed ice or a dark room to cry in. But her venomous words always convinced me that it wasn't worth helping her, in my juvenile opinion.

So I rode. That's how I spent my summers. Yet even in my dreams, the torment didn't stop.

* * *

I woke sweating profusely and slightly nauseated. It felt too real. I thought it was over, but apparently I could never escape them. It was the dead of the night though, so I had to keep my breathless panting down. Luckily Sasha was a deep sleeper.

I reached around my sheets and the bedside table, blindly searching for my phone. I needed to forget, and quickly. _"How irregular is your sleep schedule?"_ I texted Ronnie upon finding my phone. It was almost four in the morning. I figured it was a long shot, but I was too tired to care about repercussions.

 _"_ _Pretty irregular"_ she responded after two minutes. My chest heaved up and down with each labored breath as I forced my body to calm down. I leaned back into the pillows, and allowed our conversation to get swept away.

Then hours later, when the sun finally peaked over the horizon, I found myself in the common area. Ronnie and I were still talking. It was nothing deep or intellectual, just amusing small talk to make the early morning pass by.

Ronnie had been up all night finishing an essay last-minute, and had plans to sleep the entire Friday afternoon. _"You going to Levi's tonight?"_ She inquired. I blew at the steam rising off my black coffee.

 _"_ _I was thinking about it"_ I answered, not entirely convinced that I needed another eventful weekend so soon after the previous.

 _"_ _Go. I'll drive you and we can get dinner first"_ she prompted. I paused and considered the offer for a moment. It sounded convenient enough. Plus, I already knew that Ronnie wouldn't ditch me in the middle of the house not even five minutes after arriving.

 _"_ _Sure"_ I agreed simply. I could do my weekend homework on Sunday, if necessary.

" _Great. I'll see you tonight then!"_

* * *

 **AN: I'll be back soon after Christmas. Have a lovely week, muffins.**


	42. Small Talk

**AN: I can't believe I missed the opportunity to say Happy Holigays last chapter. I'm sorry, everyone. I've failed you.**

* * *

 _Chapter Forty Two- Small Talk_

* * *

Ronnie picked me up just after six. I'd been walking on the outer edges of campus with Sasha; we'd been studying with one of her sophomore friends a few blocks down. Sasha and I somehow only shared one class, so it was nice to have at least a single small thing to bond over.

And that was when Ronnie pulled up next to us in her Jeep. "Hey girl" she exclaimed out of the window. I blushed the slightest and nodded in greeting.

"New friend?" My roommate subtly asked.

"Yeah" I responded simply, then focused my full attention on her for a moment. "We're headed out for dinner and then a party. You going to be okay getting back alone?"

She perked up at this news. It seems I'd forgotten to mention my evening plans. "Oh, definitely. It's not even dark out yet" she assured. She then glanced around me to wave at Ronnie. The latter enthusiastically returned the gesture.

"Alright then" I stated, briefly wondering if I should've invited Sasha along. _No, that'd be a little out of her realm, and probably pose too many questions_ , I reasoned. Best not to initiate another mess. "See you either tonight or in the morning. Depends on how late we're out."

Promptly after our goodbyes, I hopped into Ronnie's car. My phone had buzzed just a minute ago, and I finally moved to reply while buckling myself in. "Nice to see you too-" Ronnie tried to say, sounding confused over my lack of attention.

"It's Ymir" I cut in, as if that statement was explanation enough. She was silent while I responded. I then looked up, reminding myself that she didn't deserve my tired bitchiness. "Sorry. She's been talking to me all day, and suddenly wants to know what I'm doing at the moment. Can't she just use her telepathy and figure it out herself?" I asked no one in particular, despite the fact that it was merely us two in the vehicle.

"I have a theory that you're the only person it doesn't work on" Ronnie answered, having relaxed a bit now that we were talking. She put the car in drive and turned in the direction opposite the main campus.

"She used to be able to" I added blandly, then stored my phone back in my pocket. "Anyway, how's your day been?"

"Not bad" she replied, keep her eyes on the semi-busy road ahead. "Wrote a rough draft. That wasn't fun. Caught up with a few friends that I hadn't seen in a while, though. Oh, and I think my friend from my digital art class last year is getting into heroine again. He looks awful."

"Wow" I commented quietly, for a lack of better words.

"Yup. His girlfriend looked a little on edge, but I think she'll help him through. Rehab worked for a while last time, at least. But it's weird, seeing all those people again. It's like, you blink and suddenly they're not anything like you remember." The turn signal blinker clicked on monotonously as we waited at the light, red glaring down the windshield against the quickly darkening skyline.

"I guess you're right about that" I replied in a neutral tone. I chanced a glance at her, seeing yet another side of the woman that I barely knew.

* * *

The date itself was very ordinary, almost too much so. We talked about little things, like the classes that I had trouble in, her dislike of writing. I already knew that she had decent grammatical and spelling skills, but it turned out that she didn't like the requirement of elaborating with words. According to Ronnie, the entire process of writing essays and long answers was too "extra." I laughed surprisingly loudly over this confession.

Of course, we discussed our week too. I was still a bit annoyed over Monday, but she seemed to think that it was ridiculous to be keeping things from Ymir, as if it was some big deal. She was right, obviously. Although I still had trouble with the thought of keeping the brunette in the loop. Why did the idea sound and feel so weird?

But with that issue aside for the moment, Ronnie got around to asking "What're you going to be majoring in?" I paused, having been taking a drink from my water glass. I set the cup down slowly, and realized how little I ever talked about this topic.

"Humanities, probably" I said, not sure what kind of reaction it would evoke. It wasn't anything exciting, at least not in my opinion. However, it was practical.

"Huh, I can actually see that" Ronnie responded leaning back in her seat across the table.

"Yeah. I figured I'd better put my basic communication skills to use. Besides, I feel like it's one of those all-around fields. I could get a career in management or linguistics" I added with a slight shrug.

"So, big dreams?" She inquired, a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

"Totally. Stable job, maybe a partner, a dog or two. I'm going to be living it large."

She laughed and I shot her a smile back. This was simple, easy, almost. _I could get used to this_ , I thought, suddenly confusing myself in the process.

"And what are your plans for once you graduate?" I asked once her light chuckles had died down.

She pushed a few locks of red curly hair behind her ear. "I'll get a job in animation, most likely. I'm figuring I'll stay in the area. Although there…" She stopped, a shy smile donning her lips. "It's kind of wishful thinking, but there's a job I've been looking into up in Portland. It aligns well with when I'm moving out and all. A background artist for a project. I already applied, though I won't get an answer for a few more months. I love illustrating landscapes so" she took a deep breath, "It'd just be a pretty cool opportunity."

"Sounds like it" I said quietly, a little awe-struck at her passionate tone. She really had stuff figured out. It was an odd stab in the chest too, however. She really was older than me, and much more experienced in real-world terms. _Why me?_ I momentarily wondered. _This can't possibly be a relationship that she's taking seriously_.

"You okay?" Ronnie prompted, waking me from my inner doubt-fest.

I nodded vigorously, then occupied my mouth with the water glass once again.

* * *

 **AN: Dear yuri gods, this upcoming year I'd like to learn how to write sex scenes. Please and thank you. Amen.**

 **I'd also like to say that I want to gain more followers for CBBG next year, but I realize that's really not up to me. Therefore, if you want to give me a little gift, you could share the link to my humble gay fic. Send it to your grandma, that one kid you sit with at lunch, your barista, your lesbian forum pals, or your gay aunt. What the hell, send it to your hetero aunt too. Spread the angsty love.**

 **No matter what, however, I'll see you guys in 2017. I'll be starting the year off with a big chapter in terms of character progression. I hope you'll enjoy it, and stick around a little while longer.**


	43. Tipping Point

_Chapter Forty Three- Tipping Point_

* * *

It was nearing eight-thirty once we'd finally finished our meal and broke the stream of conversation. The sky outside was clear, and the wind bit at my cheeks like needles. I was seriously hoping the weather would warm up soon.

As we got back in the car, I huddled within my jacket on the passenger side as we waited for the heat to turn on. "Why is it this cold?" I complained. "It's nearly March."

"You've clearly never experienced a northwest spring before" Ronnie observed, cranking up the heater as far as the controls would allow. "Expect to be wearing a sweater until May."

"Oh, great" I replied dryly, leaning back into the seat.

"On the bright side, people say I'm fairly warm" Ronnie added. I raised a brow.

"Well, you are rather cheerful" I teased.

"As in like, body heat, Christa" she clarified. I snickered.

"I know. And I'll keep that in mind. But for curiosity's sake, who exactly says that?"

"Y'know, all my fantastic girlfriends."

"You have multiple?"

"I wish. Monogamy's a pretty popular trend these days though." This time I gave her a real laugh. The car was beginning to warm up, and I could actually take off my heavy coat at this point.

"Not to hop on the band wagon, but I'm kind of into it" I said smoothly, looking out at the mostly empty parking lot. The stars were surprisingly bright tonight.

"What? Monogamy or my body heat?" She inquired, sitting on the edge of her seat, just to be closer.

"Both, I think" I answered, slightly shocked at the honesty. We were quiet for a string of seconds, eyes locked and blood defrosting. "Don't look at me like that" I muttered, breaking the stillness of the air.

"Like what?" She said in a near whisper.

"Like you want to kiss me" I replied, already feeling the goosebumps rising on my skin. To be truthful, I liked the gentle look in her brown eyes. It was comforting and inviting. Yet, the paranoid, cautious part of my brain still screamed that this was a dangerous road to be traversing.

"Sorry, but my expressions reflect my thoughts" she said simply.

I felt my chest rise with an unsteady breath, then vaguely in the background, I heard my screaming conscience telling me _"no."_ I ignored it.

Pushing myself forward, hands resting on the farthest edge of the seat, I kissed her. I immediately laced a hand through her hair, fingers grasping onto her curls. I felt her hand on my back within moments, the other moving to rest on my cheek.

I kissed Ronnie slowly, letting myself get used to all of _this_ ; the unique feel of her lips, and the excitement that accompanied it. She let me do it my way, let me be hesitant instead of pushing for more.

It was only once I began to get into it that this _feeling_ set in. That sensation that I couldn't describe. Ronnie was running her tongue along my lower lip and I was inching myself forward, closer. The temperature inside the car was growing hot and I felt the back of my neck perspire. Her hand on my back moved a bit lower. _This feels good_ , I thought, growing breathless. _This feels right_.

In that moment, my reverie shattered. I quickly pulled away from the embrace, abruptly breaking our kiss. "What's-" Ronnie began to ask.

I shook my head, feeling dizzy and high on something foreign. "I can't" I choked out, hands over my eyes, shoulders shaking the slightest. I couldn't look at her, didn't want to see her confused, or even worse, hurt expression.

"Th-this isn't… Isn't right. It's not supposed to feel like this" I breathed. Then, in a moment of panic, feeling absolutely suffocated, I swung around and pushed open the door. I climbed out of the vehicle and landed on unsteady feet. I forced myself to take swift steps away from the car, my back to Ronnie and the open passenger door.

I heard her follow suit, slamming her own door on the way out. I flinched at the sound, hiding my face from the world once again. "Hey" she exclaimed, quickly treading nearer. Her voice was rougher than I'd ever heard it before.

Ronnie's hand landed on my shoulder. I cowered at the contact. "What do you mean it's not supposed to feel like that?" She demanded. I couldn't muster the words, stricken with tremors. " _I told you_. If you don't like it, you need to push me away immediately."

I shook my head, forcing my breathing to even out. "No" I cried. "It wasn't that I didn't like it." I removed my palms from my face, the chill temperature hitting my skin like a slap.

"That's the problem, Ronnie" I said quieter, finally turning to look at her perplexed face. "I can't do this. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I can't… Stick out. I was supposed to be _normal_ this time around. Being attracted to a girl was never on the agenda!" I exclaimed. My cheeks were surely red; I could feel them burning.

Her mild worry morphed into something much colder. "Normal, huh?" She echoed. Her hand previously resting on my shoulder dropped to her side. "Well, here's a small news flash for you. That ' _normal'_ that you're idolizing doesn't fucking exist."

I stared up at her blankly, feeling cold deep in my bones. "I'm not going to coddle you, because you're a grown-ass woman, Christa" Ronnie continued in that same harsh voice. Then she sighed, and took a half step back. "But I understand what it's like to question your sexuality. To feel confused and terrified, and wronged by everyone that's informed you otherwise."

She focused on the pavement below, a heavy frown set upon her usually soft features. "I get being faced with that amount of mental upheaval. It's scary; almost seems impossible to deal with."

The Jeep hummed in the background, alive with nowhere to go. "But you can't just hide from it. You can't hide from yourself. Problems don't just disappear because you tell them to." My throat felt dry, like those few moments before you begin to cry. "And you can't drag down who the whole community in the process. We may not be _'normal'_ to you and the rest of the world, but that doesn't mean there's a damn thing wrong with us."

 _I have to listen to her_ , I thought desperately. _She understands, and she's still here. Alive and functioning._ I clenched my fist, relieving a bit of tension in my body. _There we go; just keep breathing._

We watched each other like that for a while, Ronnie with her solemn eyes and me with my wide gaze, trying to make sense of every emotion running through my fragile body. This was the tipping point, and we were both well aware of that fact.

I wanted to cry, honestly. I wanted to get back in the car, curl up and sob for the next half hour. I wanted her to be sympathetic, yet knew that she was right. I was a grown-ass woman, and needed to learn how to figure my own fears and insecurities out myself. There would be time for self-pity later, when the doors were closed and bedroom lights shut off. But right now I needed to figure out what I was going to do with myself and this newfound revelation.

"Thank you." She looked shocked by my statement, then after a couple of seconds, mildly impressed. "I really needed to get some sense slapped into me" I confessed, glancing away as a deep blush rose up my neck.

"Sure, anything to help." She stood silent in contemplation, then continued, "I'm serious about not dragging the rest of us down. I don't need your in-grown homophobia."

"I know" I assured swiftly. "I never meant any harm, I just… It's these things that have been ingrained in me for so long. It's not _me_ , though. I really don't think of you or Ymir or Annie, or anyone else, as lesser. I swear."

She nodded, her hard exterior fading back into a much more familiar composure. "Good to hear. And you gotta realize that I'll help you through the rough parts, Christa. As long as the bias stays at the door, I'll be here for you. Ymir and Ann aren't any gentler with this stuff, so I'd say you're in decent hands." She smiled softly at my tear-filled expression. "And if you get scared again, or uncomfortable, tell me. I'd never force you into something you don't want."

I tried to utter a reply, perhaps another "thanks." Instead, I simply nodded with a grateful, weak smile. Ronnie stepped closer again, and gently grasped my cheek. She leaned in to kiss my forehead, and I released a shaky breath. Her presence felt right.

* * *

 **AN: Eyyy, first chapter of 2017. I'm making sure to start off the year right. Christa's finally growing somewhat as a human! I want to say it only gets better from here on out, and certain things will, but we all know I'm the angst queen. So hang in there for me, muffins.**


	44. Grin and Bear It

**AN: I was up so late writing last night. I guess I couldn't find the energy to revise this chapter much.**

* * *

 _Chapter Forty Four- Grin and Bear It_

* * *

"You sure you don't just want to call it a night? I'd be fine driving you home" Ronnie reminded for possibly a third time. Her car was currently parked a block from Levi's place, hand still rested against the steering wheel.

I shook my head. "No, I'm fine now. Really" I insisted upon seeing her disbelieving expression. "I got the panic out of my system. Besides, I could use a drink or two, and maybe even Ymir's stupid remarks."

After my forcibly calm comments, we exited the vehicle and entered the house. Immediately immersed in a cloud of smoke, the scents of both tobacco and weed assaulted my senses. Ronnie seemed to have a destination, so I simply grabbed her hand, _for safety purposes_ , as she moved toward the kitchen.

She squeezed my hand, meanwhile donning a bit of a self-satisfied smirk, then promptly released it to gather two beer cans. "You said you needed a drink" she explained during my momentary hesitation.

"Thanks" I responded automatically, cracking the lid open. I tapped my finger against the cold cylinder a couple of times, then glanced at the other exit leading into that corner room. "Do you have a specific space where you congregate?" I asked.

She nearly choked when taking a sip. "Congregate?" She echoed with a short laugh, then stopped at my humorless frown. "Uh, yeah. Same place as last time. It's a more laid back crowd. Well, as laid back as it gets without being stoned."

I nodded, and finally took a drink. When a small group entered the kitchen, we decided it was about time to move. We transitioned into that familiar corner room, Levi already on one sofa while Ymir leaned down to speak with him. Annie wasn't far off, appearing mildly amused while talking with a vibrantly blue-haired girl. The blonde waved at us after a few moments, and I followed Ronnie over. It was much less stressful when I didn't have to worry about guiding myself.

"Ann, Jess" my companion greeted respectively. The other girl, Jess, shot her a brief smile.

"Did you happen to see Maria on the way in?" The latter then questioned, glancing around the tall girl and down the hall.

"Yeah, actually. She's close to the front with um, Julian? Is that his name now?"

Jess gave a hum of affirmation, then quickly patted Ronnie's shoulder. "Cool. Talk to you guys later." Her eyes lingered on me for a second longer than I was expecting as she made her escape. "Huh. New girl" she mumbled, mostly to herself, I'd assume. She was gone in the next instant.

That left three. Annie, hands shoved into the pockets of an oversized sweatshirt, sized us up suddenly, something apparently dawning on her. Maybe the fact that we came in together? "You guys sure are getting well acquainted." _Bingo_.

I already felt my face beginning to flush while Ronnie met Annie's curious eyes with a beaming smile. "Right? We should be calling Ymir the lesbian match maker."

I slowly lowered my drink away from my mouth. The liquid seemed a bit dangerous at this point.

"Please don't" said a solemn voice from directly behind me. I nearly jolted in shock. _Why does she keep doing this?_

"Good evening to you too, Ymir" Ronnie greeted nevertheless, her bright demeanor unwavering. I swore that this literal ray of red-haired sunshine beside me would someday burn me up. It was bound to happen, especially considering how I'd been reacting to her presence thus far.

The other blonde in the circle turned to face her girlfriend with a raised brow. "Why are you being such a dick about this?"

Ymir met her steady and intimidating gaze without flinching. "It's just weird, okay? Two of my good friends getting together? I'd rather it not happen. At all. Ever."

"You do remember that we started out as best friends, right?" Annie fired back. "With many mutual friends? Maybe now you know how Selina felt."

The brunette's expression contorted in contemplation. "Wait… Is that why she acted so bitchy about it?"

"What else would it have been about?"

"I just figured she was being homophobic. Y'know, all the irritated side-glances and subtle scoffs."

"Huh" Annie considered. "Well it could've been a bit of both, I guess."

We basked in their silence for ten seconds or so, at least until Ymir remembered what she'd been complaining about in the first place. "Anyway, in even more alarming news, _apparently_ Christa isn't straight." Of course she had to say it as if I wasn't even present.

So I decided to speak up, adopting a particularly snarky tone for her. "Did I ever really say that I was?"

She finally averted her attention to me, leaning down to get much more personal. "You didn't deny the assumption."

I reeled back the slightest. I mean, she had a point, but it's not like I wanted to dive into that issue at the moment. Especially when considering what just transpired with Ronnie, not to mention. "I'm just figuring things out, okay?" I replied, settling upon a vague enough excuse. "It's complicated."

"Since when?" _Why can't she let it go for once?_

Tucking a lock of hair behind my ear, I plastered on the cheesiest, fakest smile I could muster. It was an expression so artificially cheery that it would simply _have_ to tick her off. Then I moved in real close, like she'd done before. "I think it's acceptable to say that I've always been complicated" I said quietly, the phrase intended for only us. Feeling particularly cheeky, I held her dumbstruck expression with steeled eyes. "Wouldn't you agree?"

* * *

 **AN: Since it's been awhile, and I've accumulated quite the inventory of unedited chapters now, I'll be uploading again soon. Probably Friday or Saturday, depending on how pissed/generally emotional I am on Friday.**


	45. Not Enough

**AN: As I promised, another chapter.**

* * *

 _Chapter Forty Five- Not Enough_

* * *

Clearly Ymir hadn't been happy with me after our small standoff. On the other hand, however, Ronnie seemed thoroughly impressed by how I handled Ymir's usual nosiness. "I don't know what's gotten into her, but that sure as hell was entertaining" she'd commented.

Apparently Ymir was in a bad mood in general though, according to Annie. I guess she had those off days every so often, and when I asked the blonde how she dealt with her irritable girlfriend, she simply responded with, "I kiss her till she shuts up." Then, following a long side-glance, added "Although, you'll have to find a solution of your own."

I laughed a little too loudly at her lack of advice, feeling even more nervous and uncomfortable about my totally-not-a-crush on Ymir. _It was complicated_.

It was easy enough finding distractions, however. I downed a couple more cans after the first, eased into a circle of fantastically dressed women who didn't seem to mind my presence, and let myself sink into the atmosphere.

The loud ringing and ever-flowing conversation merged into a nice static, a type of white noise that I got lost in much too quickly. I absently scanned the crowd of young adults, groups coming and leaving constantly. I suppose my appearance no longer screamed "straight girl," because I didn't receive nearly as many perplexed stares as I had my previous visit. Maybe all it took to gain acceptance was to kiss a girl a few times and follow her through the front door. _Huh. Simple enough_.

Of course, my forty minutes or so of uninterrupted unwinding came to an abrupt halt as a familiar face casually moved from the kitchen into my line of view. Eren slowly scanned the back wall before his eyes landed on Levi. He then immediately shifted directions to approach the latter.

 _There goes Eren,_ my buzz brain narrated. _And now Levi sees him. Oh, they're looking flirty. Sat down on the couch. They look pretty occupied. Maybe I could get away before he notices me?_ I frowned and lowered my nearly empty beverage can. _Oh shit, yeah. I should get out of here_.

By this point I'd lost Ronnie, so it's not like I could escape the house altogether. Just relocate temporarily until I conjured up a better solution? _Nope,_ I thought, suddenly every previous notion flying out of my head. _Eren sees me. And he's getting up. He's walking over here. This is great._

"Christa" he greeted over the loud music, sounding slightly anxious. "What're you doing here?"

I sloppily gestured to the group beside me, the other girls continuing to pay neither of us any attention. "Soaking up the college experience" I explained, slurring the first word. _Well, I tried,_ I drunkenly mused.

"Uh huh" he confirmed, appearing totally confused. "Look, I'm not one to make assumptions, so I'm not going to question your choice of social crowds" he began, eyes shifting hesitantly before returning to my expectant expression. "But if you could just… Keep the fact that you saw me here on the down-low. Mikasa isn't really a fan of the, um, _Queers_. And she _really_ doesn't like Levi. It'd be great if you could help avoid that headache, yeah?" Eren prompted.

I blinked blankly at him a few times, processing the information multiple times over until the lightbulb finally lit in my skull. "Oh, sure. I can keep quiet" I agreed in an ironically loud voice.

He nodded slowly, slightly disbelieving. "Alright," he drawled out, "Thanks." He looked back at Levi, the older man watching our exchange with what must have been entertainment. "Before I, y'know, head back, you have a friend here? You seem a little _tipsy_ and I'd feel uncomfortable if you were just swaying here alone." _Was I swaying? Quite possibly_.

I perked up in a very animated fashion, remembering my dilemma mere moments ago. "I actually do. I lost her like, a while ago. Ronnie. You know Ronnie? Tall, got the cool hair and is like, pretty hot. Have you seen her?" I rambled out, suddenly thinking of how adorable her little nose was, and the way her curls bounced at the shake of her head.

Eren seemed relieved at my request. "I did see her, not long ago. I'll show you-" Then he must've thought better of that plan, pausing and revising the statement. "Actually, I'll go get her. You can hang out here for a bit longer. It'll only take a minute."

"Alright" I replied, thoughts already drifting once again. My drink was empty and the lights seemed dimmer than before. The room was quieter too. Maria and… Jess, that was her name, were back in here, talking to some other girls. It looked like each group had their own subgroups, like a miniature ecosystem. _Does that analogy make sense?_

My attention wavered from the group nevertheless, gaze grazing along the wall until I zoned in on the darkest part of the room. That was where two figures were quite blatantly making out. Then, like a fog clearing from my head, it dawned on me that the couple was Ymir and Annie. _I guess she had to shut her up,_ I thought blandly, feeling nauseous suddenly. I really could not handle alcohol.

Soon enough though, Ronnie blocked my view. Eren's quest had been successful, and it looked like I could finally go home, or at least get out of this cavern of smoke. "Sorry. I didn't mean to abandon you for so long" the older woman said first off. She grabbed my forearm; I apparently was in need of steadying. "How much have you had to drink?"

"Not enough" I answered without any contemplation. She wasn't amused. "Hey" I then stated in a playful tone, "I was thinking about how cute you are." I giggled at my own flirting.

She appeared conflicted for a moment; her eyes spelling worry, but upturned lips indicating an approaching laugh. "As cute as _you are_ when you're drunk, well, Christa, you're drunk."

"I think I'd know if I was" I replied scrunching up my nose.

"Whether or not you think so, we're going home" she informed in a firm tone.

I looked around her larger frame at the still preoccupied couple. "Yeah, that's fine." Ronnie's gaze followed mine, and her hint of concern doubled in that moment. She was probably going to say something then, maybe ask if I was feeling okay or whatnot. But I swiftly interjected. "First though, you should kiss me." My unprecedented comment set off a whole other level of confusion in her features.

"Why's that? Not long ago, you weren't exactly keen on the excessive physical contact."

"Because kissing you is calming" I explained honestly, voice volume dropping. I had one of those strange expressions on my face, I knew. I felt the stiffness in my cheeks and the weight to my downturned lips. Upon examining said features, Ronnie's resolve seemed to cave, and she complied.

The thing about kissing Ronnie, I'd found out early on, was that it was a thoroughly enjoyable experience. Her embrace put me at ease and her warmth felt like an early spring sunray. Her lips were soft like new grass, and ignited a pounding fire in my chest that burned the rest of my worries away. She made the surrounding world go numb.

* * *

 **AN: Yesterday wasn't exactly a good day. Today, however, renewed my hope for the future. Watching so many strong women, feminists, and allies protesting in the U.S. and around the world has just filled me with so much joy and pride. I am so so so proud to be a queer, feminist woman. I'm also overjoyed to know that so many of us have each other's backs, no what we face.**


	46. Tylenol

**AN: Sorry for the somewhat long absence. I got suddenly caught up in my original story for about a week, and ended up actually making progress. But whatever. That's why I have all these chapters stocked up: in case I can't write new ones.**

* * *

 _Chapter Forty Six- Tylenol_

* * *

The morning sunlight was abrasive, as always. It waited for no hungover teens in the semi-early hours of the dawning day. I wanted to shove my face into my pillow and attempt to fall back into an uninterrupted slumber. However, the pounding in the forefront of my head was already too strong to handle.

I put my body on autopilot, forcing it out of bed and staggering through the dim room toward the door. There were raised voices down the hall, then a laugh much too loud for a Saturday morning. I grasped at the door's handle, vision still blurry from sleep, and promptly exited into the dorm's common area.

The open windows provided much too bright a light, and combined with the various voices occupying the space, I had trouble taking in the scene around me.

Firstly, there was Sasha, making animated hand movements from the kitchen. Then there two other girls from our dorm area, seated on one of the sofas. Then there was Mikasa, typing rapidly against her laptop keyboard in an armchair, the furthest away. She and Sasha had a project due soon. Oh right, and the center of attention, a vibrantly smiling Ronnie, seated casually on a bar stool for all to see. She looked so at home that I almost didn't look twice. Yet, I still looked twice.

"You" I exclaimed, shock taking over my system. Everyone quieted down as I continued to scan my surroundings wide-eyed and almost terrified. "Why are you-" I stopped, then shoved a hand into my messy hair, rubbing circles into my pounding scalp. "I can't do this right now." I stated simply, taking a prompt seat in the arm chair closest to the kitchen. "Sasha. Coffee and Tylenol" I demanded, in no mood for politeness.

She began moving without protest. _Okay,_ I tried to reason. _My somewhat-not-really-girlfriend is here. She's chatting up my roommates. They clearly like her. She's probably already told them about us. I'm screwed._ While taking steady breaths, head buried in my hands, I grappled for details. _Ronnie looked clean; new clothes too. Good. She didn't stay over. Then why the hell is she here?_ I thought finally, perking up at the sound of someone approaching.

"Thank you" I grumbled, taking the drink and painkillers from Sasha. I threw them both back in record speed, needing something in my system to help make sense of the situation. "Wanna start explaining what's going on?" I said finally, addressing Ronnie as I wearily glanced up at her.

She seemed almost as stricken as I did, having been reminded that she was going out with a "straight girl." As she pushed her hair back, I watched the sunshine leave her expression.

"Yeah" she answered. "Well, when I dropped you off last night, you were pretty wasted. You forgot your phone in my car, and I didn't notice until I got home. I figured I'd stop by in the morning and return it." Mikasa's typing had slowed, only adding to the tension of the quiet atmosphere. "And I did. Your roommate answered the door and asked if I wanted to have some coffee and maybe talk. Which sounded really cool and all, but I didn't want to impose on like, your space. But she insisted, not to throw you under the bus or anything" she directed at said roommate, who only smiled a bit awkwardly back.

"I figured it'd be okay for a little while after all. Sorry if that stresses you out though. I can totally leave, considering last night was probably a lot for you." _Why does she have to be so nice? It's nauseating._ Groaning momentarily into my hands first, I eventually looked back up at the girl's apologetic face.

"Where'd you find such a considerate friend, Christa?" Sasha then teased, perhaps in hopes to calm my awful aura. Yet, all I picked up on was the "friend" aspect. So Ronnie hadn't spilled it all. I felt my features soften, remorse at my initial response flooding in.

Ronnie didn't correct her either. Maybe this wasn't the first time she'd been shoved back into the closet on behalf of a partner.

With my headache not yet ebbing, I relaxed into the chair. "Thank you for returning my phone" I conceded, trying to sound more pleasant than I had before. "And… I wasn't really mad at you," I lied, "Mornings and I don't really agree."

Her grin returned and my heart skipped a beat. _Don't do this_ , I attempted to reason with myself as a sudden idea popped into my brain. _You'll regret it._ Caution aside though, I sighed and said what I wanted to anyway. Consequences be damned. "She's my girlfriend" I abruptly corrected. "Sort of."

To say that Ronnie's reaction was an expression of elation would be an understatement. The woman looked like she won the lottery, which only served to perplex me. I flipped out on her the previous night, for fuck's sake. I wasn't some dream girl professing her everlasting love. But I kept quiet about my doubts, knowing I'd already hurt her enough so far.

"Wait, really?" She exclaimed. "Not that I'm complaining!"

I immediately shushed her upon the raised tone, returning to massaging my forehead. "Yes, just… Shut up. We can discuss titles later."

She nodded slowly, and Mikasa returned to her typing. "And it's Saturday morning. I've got a hangover to conquer, not to mention an ass-load of homework" I continued, already imagining the grueling day ahead. "How about I walk you out, and we can call it a day?" I meant to sound politer with this prompt than I had before.

"Sure" Ronnie agreed, somehow sympathetic towards my bitchy nature.

So I pushed myself up and walked ahead of her, practically empty coffee mug still in-hand. When we reached the door, she paused within the frame. "I really am sorry if I pressured you, or made anything uncomfortable-"

I covered her mouth with mine briefly, effectively cutting her off. "It's fine" I said quietly, setting her with a firm look.

"Okay" she whispered back, perhaps a bit dazed by my sudden kiss.

"I'll talk to you later. Maybe we'll do something tomorrow. Just… Take it easy. This quick pace is spiking my blood pressure."

She offered a chuckle in reply, then a nod. "Of course."

I then bid her a proper goodbye, and released a long exhale as soon as she was gone. Who knew relationships were so much work?

* * *

 **AN: Next up is a short interlude chapter, then we'll be moving on to another "arc." I guess that's what I'm calling them now. Anyway, if you're still sticking around and enjoying things, go ahead and let me know. I'll see you guys soon.**


	47. Interlude

**AN: And I'm back. I meant to upload this last weekend. Oops.**

* * *

 _Chapter Forty Seven- Interlude_

* * *

It seemed like before I could even blink, it was mid-March. The "sort of" in Ronnie's and my relationship had disappeared weeks ago. This entire ordeal had fallen into the realm of normality before I could hit the brakes.

Ymir had to begin referring to us as girlfriends, Sasha started looking at me through a whole new perspective, and Eren was just… Anxious. Probably afraid I'd spill his little secret. As if I wasn't already preoccupied with my own troubles.

After all, I was dating a woman for the first time in my life. Compared to the few boyfriends I'd had before, this was, to put it simply, different. The way she talked and flirted was different. The way she touched me was different. Even her goddamn smiles were different. Yet it was all a _good_ different, as bone-chillingly terrifying as that was.

The most surprising though, honestly, was how quickly I became infatuated with the woman. She had her bad days, of course. But those were the times she wasted the day away at home. When she was doing well, however, then _by God_ , she was inhumanly uplifting. I'd actually asked her how she often managed such a bright mood early on. We were on a brief weekday date. Those were nice breaks from the dorm.

She answered after a slightly surprised laugh. "It's not like I've always been this way." She twirled a ringlet of faded red hair around her finger. "You just… make the choice, you know? I mean, I'm a gay woman of color, Christa. I've been treated like shit in multiple forms for my entire life. It got to a point where I decided that cynicism and any form of apathy simply isn't worth it. I'm not going to show the rest of the world the kind of disdain it's shown me." She paused. Maybe she hadn't needed to explain this before. Maybe I asked too many questions. "I'm not superhuman though, obviously. When I can't manage to be patient or optimistic, I just don't go out that day, or even _days_."

That was something I'd soon notice. Every so often, she'd take hours before she messaged me back. Only on a few occasions had she cancelled plans, but I understood why. Might as well give it your all if you're going to engage with anyone.

"I don't know… I've just gotten the hang of it" she concluded.

Despite her "off days," my ball of sunshine had become a permanent fixture so swiftly. Although, to tell the truth, the pace and intensity of our growing relationship frightened me.

On one late night, sitting in her Jeep as she drove me home, I admitted to it wholeheartedly. I don't think she was offended by my drawn-out statement. In fact, she just let me speak. "You're this giant, raging sun" I recall saying, brain fogged from lack of sleep. My face was pressed against the window, street lamps gliding past my line of sight. "You're so… present and there and looming. It's fun and great and exciting for a certain amount of time, but I'm not like you. I'm inconsiderate and depressing, and yeah, probably not all that smart. And a lot of the time, you make me feel vulnerable."

The world seemed so quiet and still at two in the morning. "I feel like you're eventually going to burn me up, Ronnie. I'm scared you're going to destroy me." The words hung around me, around _us_ for so long. I didn't intend for them to hold that much weight.

Therefore, I figured she might laugh, perhaps assume I was rambling nonsense. Instead she sat in silence for the last few moments leading up to our arrival. When she stopped in front of the dorm, she finally shifted over and I caught a glimpse of her conflicted expression. I guess I'd finally made her speechless.

But then she ran her fingers through my hair, gentle as usual. The moon outside was particularly dim, I remember. I knew that once I stepped outside, the air would smell like that afternoon's rain. It wouldn't be as cold as the previous day. February had abandoned us not long ago.

Thoughts wandering, I barely noticed when she kissed my cheek. I immediately closed my eyes, wondering what the catch was. That'd been a very frequent question in mind for almost a month at that point. _This isn't how life works. Something's going to go wrong. She'll hurt me in some way. Or even worse, I'll hurt her._ That was the one lesson, if there were any, that I learned from my uncle: joy doesn't last.

So I leaned back into my seat with a heavy exhale, exhausted. I waited for the storm.

* * *

 **AN: I've been very preoccupied with college stuff lately. Sorry guys. I'll try to be more consistent.**


	48. Rock the Boat

_Chapter Forty Eight- Rock the Boat_

* * *

Now here we were, slush finally melted and the winter chill leaving the air. The birds were back from their winter homes, chirping from scattered trees that were just beginning to bud with leaves. And yes, the sun was out, warm and obtrusively bright. I never thought I'd miss that burning ball of gas so much. I honestly don't think my body was well equipped for the past months' weather.

Oh right, and my two lesbians were out and around too. And Reiner… and his girlfriend. I'd start from the beginning if the day hadn't been so bland up until this point. But to sum it up, Ronnie met Ymir and I after class. We were all going back to Ymir's housing area when alas, the brunette spotted her male friend. Was he even really a friend, though?

"Oh my God" Ymir blurted, suddenly much more lively than she had been in the last hour.

"What?" Ronnie questioned, before catching on to the focus of the other's stare. We all saw the couple's proximity, their intertwined fingers. I should also mention that the three of us knew, for a fact, that Reiner was gay. Like, "I'd rather drink bleach than touch your boobs" kind of gay. That was an actual quote, I swear.

"No" Ronnie blurted immediately, instinctively reaching out to hold Ymir back. Yet the effort came too late. The latter was already waltzing right over with an air of haughty amusement. "Leave him alone" Ronnie added dejectedly, already knowing the statement was made in vain. She followed her friend nonetheless, always prepared to be the peacekeeper.

"Reiner!" Ymir greeted, unable to keep that irritating smirk off her lips. "God, haven't seen you in a couple weeks. You haven't been at Levi's." Then, feinting surprised, she slowly glanced at his companion. "Who's your friend?"

In the single second following, I saw the blonde athlete's expression crumble. There was a particular panic arising behind his eyes, and we all awaited the damage set to come.

"This is Lisa" he answered blankly. "My girlfriend."

While a static tension permeated the air, Lisa looked us up and down, pure confusion marring her features. I knew she'd catch on quick enough. But then her eyes landed on me. She looked a bit hopeful for a moment, assuming that at least I wasn't queer. Maybe her boyfriend only associated with a couple of lesbians, instead of a whole flock of them.

 _Poor girl,_ I thought with a sigh. I figured the truth would put her out of her misery, so I took another step forward and latched onto Ronnie's arm. I leaned into my girlfriend, an apologetic expression aimed toward the only straight person in this group. Lisa gaped.

"Are these your friends, Rei?" She asked cautiously, already knowing the answer. She hadn't been acquainted with the girls before. _Of course_ she hadn't. I bet she stayed as far away from Levi and the rest as she could manage.

"Yeah" he replied promptly, realizing full-well his cover had been blown.

"Sorry, I should probably introduce myself. I'm Ymir. This is Ronnie, and the short one is her girlfriend" the brunette introduced innocently. She had a wicked spark in her eye, like a kid crushing a trail of ants. And for so long I'd been thinking that _I_ was inherently destructive…

"Nice to finally meet you" Lisa responded quietly, not quite meeting Ymir's gaze. She'd clearly put all the pieces together at this point. So with an uncomfortably quirked lip, she turned back to her boyfriend. "I hate to be rude to your _friends_ , but I think we need to talk."

He nodded, most of the color in his face draining at the suggestion. "Aw, and I was hoping we could catch up" Ymir forced herself back into the conversation. "Well, come back soon. I know Bert has been missing you." Another unnecessary jab. "And maybe I'll see you again, huh Lisa?"

"Sure" she said tersely, her posture growing stiffer by the second. She didn't bother to give any sort of farewell, simply walked ahead of the football player while expecting him to follow.

Reiner waited back for a moment, then looked at Ymir, pained and perplexed. He seemed to want to say something, but couldn't quite find the words. So he left, unable to deal with the silence.

"Why the _fuck_ did you feel the need to do that?" The tallest woman asked harshly as soon as we were alone again. It was not often that Ronnie got pissed, therefore I felt it'd be a safe move to take a cautionary step back.

"She was going to find out eventually. Why not save her some time?" Ymir responded in an easy tone.

"Sure, but that wasn't for you to decide."

"Need a better answer? Okay. If it were up to all-American quarterback over there, he'd be closeted for his entire damn lifetime. Maybe if he gets a reality check, he'll start owning up to his sexuality. He can't hide from the world forever" she said evenly. She held absolutely no remorse for her actions.

"You know what, Ymir? Not everyone gets to burn every bridge as they walk across. We don't all find the need to throw away our families at any convenient time. You're fucking lucky Annie was around to help you out. You act like everyone's out to get you, so you might as well blow up your relationships before they've even gone anywhere. So here's a reality check for _you_. Your way of thinking isn't always right. _Your methods aren't always right._ "

Ymir took most of it with a poker face. Near the end, however, her frown deepened. Her jaw was set in a stiff position, teeth ground together. For a second, I thought she might hit Ronnie. They were both steaming with a long-blocked rage.

As they stared each other down for an uncomfortable amount of time, I wondered whether I should step in. Would their anger just be directed at me too? However, Ymir's jaw gradually relaxed, and that spark in her eyes faded.

"What do you want, Ronnie? For me to apologize about how I handle things? I couldn't live in that house. You know that. And yeah, I'm a bitch to kids like Reiner. It's a stupid excuse, but I want him to start living for real, I guess." She looked down at the dewy grass, expression distant.

"He didn't deserve that" Ronnie stated simply.

Ymir laughed dryly. "He didn't deserve to be one of us either." She bit her lip, and opted to say nothing more. She didn't even call to us when she began walking down our original path, headed toward home.

Ronnie followed silently, as she always does, with me only a couple steps behind.

"You're the only one who stands up to her like that" I nearly mumbled, taking one large step to catch up. I grabbed her open hand.

She shot me a look, as if communicating that she wasn't the only one bold enough to step up to Ymir. She was quiet for what felt like a long while, and merely eased her stiff posture. "Someone ought to every once in a while" she replied at the same volume. I shook my head, exasperated. Then I leaned against her shoulder as we maintained a steady pace.

* * *

 **AN: I'd love to just hibernate for awhile. I'm so unbearably tired of this world and this country and these apathetic people. I want one decent day where I'm not stressed the hell out, and no one's trying to invalidate me or control my body. But no, that'd be much too easy. Actually, that'd be as easy as being a hetero white male in America, lol.**


	49. The Mistakes That Scar Us

**AN: Sorry for the extra long delay. I was sort of dealing with a crisis this past week. But it's fine now, for the most part. Also, if the end of this chapter seems abrupt, it's because I had to split it up. It was originally three thousand words, and I figured that would be too much for one upload. I'll probably get the second part out next week.**

* * *

 _Chapter Forty Nine- The Mistakes That Scar Us_

* * *

"Can you two turn the volume down?" I shouted from the kitchen counter. Annie leaned over my textbook from right beside me, brows furrowed in concentration. She'd already been trying to help me tackle this homework for the past hour. Now that we were nearing the end of it, Ronnie and Ymir had decided it was time to be extra obnoxious.

They were playing a video game, probably one Ymir had already destroyed me in. It seemed the brunette was well-matched this time, however, considering their constant stream of curses instead of victory shouts.

They must have been at it for a few hours now. Glancing out the window to the dark sky, I wondered where the afternoon had gone. Well, first I'd procrastinated quite a while, then Annie finally convinced me to get started while she was still interested in helping. And then the girls ordered pizza. That took up a whole lot more time.

"What?" Ymir exclaimed without taking her eyes off the television screen. "Sorry, Christa. I can't hear you over the sound of me kicking Ronnie's ass."

"Shut up" the aforementioned opponent said just as loudly back. "You know we're tied at this point."

Annie simply sighed, shaking her head. "They won't listen; leave them be. Besides, there's only one paragraph left to decipher. I really hate the wording in these books, though. It's like they have to make everything a trick question."

"Exactly" I agreed, shifting my attention back to the assignment. "I have no idea how anyone passes this course."

"I barely made it through last year. I was sitting at a pretty low C until my dad found out. Then he told me to get my ass in gear." She chuckled a little to herself.

"And it worked?" I questioned in awe.

"Oh yeah. He's the one person in this world who I won't let down. That's good though. I need some real motivation every so often. I would've quit a lot of things early on otherwise."

To be honest here, I really like Annie. She's level-headed, relaxed, smart, and admittedly intimidating. I found it astounding that she managed to deal with Ymir for so long. The woman had patience, but this took a whole other level. Especially since Ymir had only grown gradually more abrasive, I was increasingly curious about how the blonde _did it_. How she juggled both her life, and the troubles of her girlfriend who seemed to be unraveling further each day. I guess it took a kind of love and devotion that I couldn't understand.

On a more relevant note, her patience totally saved my ass. We finished that awful assignment merely fifteen minutes later, and finally got to relax. I shut the textbook and stored my supplies away, then walked over to the back of the sofa.

I threw my arms around Ronnie's shoulders, and leaned over to watch. The two players moved way too fast on the screen, making me a bit motion-sick from merely observing. So I averted my gaze elsewhere, instead focusing on my girlfriend's curls, pulled back in an uncommon fashion.

She said she got quite a bit of paint in her hair this morning, and hadn't taken the time to get it all out. Therefore, she just pulled her hair back and called it good for the day. It was a little bit odd seeing her with a different hairstyle, but not unattractive.

I played with a loose lock of faintly pink hair. The red had faded a while ago, and she was still debating on a new color to dye. I suggested purple, since I figured it would look pretty cute. I think she was leaning more toward blue, though.

"Did you actually finish?" A soft voice asked from right beside me. The game noise had died off without me noticing. The girls must be taking a break.

"Yeah. I think I'll take a decade-long nap to celebrate" I exaggerated. She hummed in amusement.

"Or you could just come over here and I can kiss you. This is sort of an uncomfortable angle." I slipped my hands away from their loose position on her shoulders and chest, then made my way around the sofa to sit in the small space next to her.

I placed my arms back around her neck and gave a quiet greeting of, "Hey, sunshine. Haven't seen you in a while."

"You were a few yards away, babe. But sure" she responded at the same volume, leaning in for a more intimate position.

I huffed and rolled my eyes flirtatiously. "You should really just shut up and kiss me now" I mumbled.

"You're completely right."

After another second, we were kissing slowly. I buried my fingers in her hair, as per usual, while her hands snuck down to my waist. I concentrated on the feeling of her lips, warm and familiar and intoxicating. The entire day's stress seemed to melt off of me in that moment. As soon as I started losing my breath though, and that exciting flame in my chest began to ignite, a certain someone cleared her throat.

"Please, no PDA in my home" Ymir drawled out. I could already picture the frown she must be flaunting, full of distaste and annoyance.

"Every damn time" Ronnie mumbled, having barely broken away. I kept my eyes closed for a few moments more, trying not to get _very_ pissed off at the woman near us.

So I took a deep breath and detached myself from Ronnie. "What? Haven't met your bitchiness quota for the day?" I asked in an even tone, turning to glare at the paused television.

"Correct" Ymir replied just as easily. "Only half way there. Care to help me reach my goal?"

Ronnie laughed to try to break up the fight before it truly began. I could hear the awkward undertones. She really did not want to deal with this tension tonight either. "Hey, how about we not start throwing insults, yeah?" She prompted, picking the controller back up, hoping for a distraction. Ymir wasn't taking the bait, so the oldest woman tried some humor this time.

"It's not like we would've done much. Christa acts like a virgin when it comes to these things. No offense, baby" she quickly added, apologetically smiling at me.

"Fair enough. But for the record, I've totally had sex before" I said indignantly. _That actually sounded like something a virgin would say. Shit,_ I thought. _I mean, I really have though. Just not with Ronnie… yet._

It's not like I didn't want to or anything. If you date someone for an expanse of time, it gets hard denying your attraction to them. The matter simply was that whenever we got too intimate, I would sort of back off and try to cool down. You can't blame me for being nervous. After all, from what I've heard, Ronnie has had about a hundred partners. _You're blowing these rumors out of proportion._

"Virgin or not," Annie chimed in from the kitchen, "There's no need to tease her about it." She then looked pointedly at Ymir who seemed to be gearing up for another snide comment. "I've only slept with one person. There's no shame in that."

"Not a virgin" I repeated in a muttered tone.

"Wait, who?" The brunette asked, feigning confusion.

"Okay, now you're pissing everyone off tonight" Annie shot back with a dull expression.

"Sorry" she said in a semi-honest tone. "Is it my turn to give a number? Are we turning this into some sort of sex-positivity thing?"

"Sure" Ronnie said enthusiastically. "I've always wanted to know how many women have had the honor of-"

"For everyone's sake, don't finish that statement" I quickly cut in. Then I nodded toward Ymir. "We're all waiting for an answer though."

"Alright, prepare to be amazed" she stated in an ironically bored voice. She cleared her throat and announced, "Four."

"What?" Annie questioned, a bit too loudly. "You liar. Five."

Ymir stared back in disbelief. "The number's four. Unless you're counting Kath for some reason."

"Are you kidding me? Why wouldn't I count that? _She totally counts_."

"In what world?"

"It _counts_ " Annie stated with finality. Her girlfriend simply rolled her eyes and reluctantly surrendered.

"Fine. Moving on." She then fixed her eyes on Ronnie.

"Oh" my companion enunciated slowly, suddenly thinking very hard about this. She tried counting out on her fingers, but kept backtracking for an unknown reason. "Wait, shit. I completely skipped senior year." She tried again, but at this point I think she was nearing a dozen.

"Um, fifteen, maybe" she concluded.

"How do you lose track?" Ymir asked, genuinely confused.

"Hey, the years just fly by, especially when you're the only out lesbian in your home town. I was the go-to for bi-curious girls."

 _That actually makes a lot of sense,_ I surmised. In all honesty, though, I know it was higher than fifteen. I'd already met six of her past girlfriends on accident. Turns out they work _everywhere_ in this town.

"Christa?" Ronnie prompted. I'd forgotten that I had to answer too. It'd been a while since I'd actually thought about that night.

"One guy, one time. I don't remember it very clearly though" I informed simply, figuring that'd be enough to sate any remaining curiosity. Instead, it left the two lesbians with perplexed expressions.

"Wait, how do you not remember something like that clearly?" Annie asked gently. Then she began listing off all the details of what I assumed to be her first time. "The summer between junior and senior year. Last week of June. My grandparents' beach house. It was a pretty rainy day-"

"Stop spouting out information" Ymir interjected quickly. "They don't need to hear all this."

"Christa" Ronnie addressed softly from beside me. "What do you mean by that?"

 _Oh,_ I realized, _they're getting the wrong idea._

"No, no" I swiftly rambled. "It was completely consensual. But I sort of… Blocked it out, I guess? I was only sixteen and it was after a dance and everyone was doing it, you know? Plus he kept insisting and…" I trailed off. Why was I saying all this? They didn't need to know. It was my mistake. I shouldn't be feeling so anxious over it years later. _Why am I even remembering it again?_

But as the questions flooded in, so did all of those long-buried emotions. I felt my heart in my throat all over again. He kept saying it was fine. _Everyone is doing it_. He had a few drinks; he smelled like alcohol. I was entirely sober though. The car was cold and my dress was too tight, but then his hands were everywhere. The dress was gone and my chest felt so constricted. I was sweating and on edge, yet so thoroughly exhausted. He was touching my skin and it seemed to _burn_. It was too much too fast, it hurt, it wasn't supposed to hurt. I knew enough about anatomy to realize that it wasn't supposed to _hurt that much_.

"Baby?" A cautionary voice broke through the memory. I was breathing heavily, eyes focused on nothing in particular. I suddenly felt very hot and itchy.

"S-sorry" I mumbled. "Zoned out for a second there." I figured I could possibly get my body under control, but the panic was already coursing through my bloodstream. So I took a deep breath and shakily stood. "I need to use the bathroom real quick" I stated monotonously.

I hurried to the bathroom and the shut the door behind me, immediately leaning on the countertop for support.


	50. And Those Who Heal

**AN: Here's the much shorter second chapter, as I'd promised.**

* * *

 _Chapter Fifty- And Those Who Heal_

* * *

I turned on the faucet, quickly splashing cold water onto my face. It cooled my flushed skin the slightest.

 _It was my mistake,_ I reminded myself for the thousandth time. _I shouldn't have given in like that. I should have waited. Why didn't I just wait for someone who actually cared about me? Someone who cared about whether it hurt._

There was a soft knocking on the door, followed by, "Christa?"

 _Ronnie,_ I recognized. I was still dripping with tap water, and my skin felt feverish. I couldn't breathe properly, and pondered telling her to leave. "Do you need a hug?" She asked meekly.

I felt my chest ache the slightest. _She cares whether it hurts_.

"I don't wanna get up in your space, but if you're not okay, you can totally talk about it. You looked really freaked out for a few seconds there. Ymir seemed pretty worried too, so I figured something really had to be up." She paused. "You can tell me to go away if I'm rambling too much."

"No" I croaked out, though a bit too quietly. "You can come in. I could… Actually use a hug."

She hesitantly opened the door, slipped in, and shut it behind her. I quickly threw my arms around her midsection, snuggling into her increasingly familiar warmth.

She wrapped one arm around my back, and ran her other hand through my hair in a soothing fashion. "I didn't mean to pressure you into reliving anything" she said solemnly.

"It's fine" I replied into her shirt, already feeling my breathing pattern even out. "I hadn't thought about it in a while, is all."

She hummed, not entirely believing that excuse. And then we stood there, embracing in the quiet space. She noticed the faucet was still running, and switched it off before resuming stroking my hair.

My anxiety was starting to fade. The discomfort from the memory left my body. I felt safe again. I felt human again. That was the thing about fucking for the sake of saying that you fucked: the experience takes a piece of you with it. At least, in my experience. I felt like a discarded doll afterward; dirty and undesired and inhuman. And it stuck with me for the years that followed. I had to suppress it. How else would I have moved on?

Yet I know the relief that comes with talking about it. If I could just get a little bit off my chest, maybe I'd start to heal. I wouldn't relay the entirety of what happened to her. Later, perhaps. But for now, a small secret would suffice.

I turned my head, resting my cheek against her upper abdomen. I faced away from the mirror. I couldn't bear looking at my blank eyes at the moment.

"I puked when I got home" I abruptly stated. She was silent. "I don't know why. My dormmate was gone, and our room was dark, and then a wave of nausea just came over me. I was sick all night. I spent most of it on the bathroom tile, listening to the footsteps of some girls on the upper floor. And in the morning, I tried to forget about it altogether. I put on my uniform, did my hair, and went to class.

"I dated the guy for another month. He didn't talk about it, thankfully. I think… I think he knew the night bothered me. But I don't think he really cared. He was using me just like I had been using him. We were pawns in this stupid social hierarchy game.

"In the end, I was never attracted to any of the boys I dated. Now more than ever, I'm wondering if it's them personally that I couldn't convince myself to like, or-" I stopped myself, unable to voice the question that followed. _Not tonight,_ I thought. There was only so much I could handle in one day.

"I'm sorry you had such a bad experience" Ronnie finally responded, nuzzled atop my head. "You shouldn't have forced yourself."

"I know" I said quietly. "I regret it more than most of my mistakes. But at least, I mean, if we're looking for a moral here… At least I know better now. I know the kind of partner I actually want to have." I hugged her tighter and closed my eyes.

Then, in a lighter voice, "What's the real number? I feel like fifteen wasn't a very honest answer."

She chuckled a bit, and I wondered if she'd reply or brush it off. "Twenty-three" Ronnie answered, to my surprise. "As if you could lose count."

* * *

 **AN: I almost forgot to upload this. I have a flight tomorrow, so I wouldn't have been able to do it then. Thankfully I remembered this afternoon. Review, if you'd like, and I'll see everyone again soon.**


	51. Pent Up

**AN: Season two of SnK is turning out to be pretty great. It's as gay as the manga so far, the action is badass, and Ymir is being her canonically bitchy self. One thing that's confusing me, though, is why everyone's saying Reiner is _either_ gay or bisexual. Like, Ymir reveals that he's gay. There's really no question about it. And people are also saying that his sexuality doesn't serve a purpose (as if it should? wtf), but I always got the impression he was in love with Bert in the manga. And that was why he was so attached to the dude. I guess I'll never understand heteros. My titan wife is back, though! That's definitely something to celebrate.**

* * *

 _Chapter Fifty- Pent Up_

* * *

"She's not going to text back" Ymir muttered. I was already behind on my notes, and I'd been sending my girlfriend messages throughout the entire period. But my classmate was right. It wasn't doing me any use.

"I don't care if she lays in bed all day and keeps her phone on silent. I'm just wondering if she's eaten anything yet. It's past noon and I know she doesn't think about food on days like this" I explained in a hushed tone.

Ymir shrugged. "Then go see for yourself after class. You know your way to the apartment by now, right?" She prompted. I did, even if I had only been there a few times already. And it wasn't an unreasonable idea. I might have to deal with a moody Louis _and_ a moody Ronnie, but otherwise the situation would be gnawing away at me all day.

"Yeah. I'll do it, then. Might as well pick up some groceries on the way back too" I added.

"Always so efficient" she muttered. I smiled back cheekily.

* * *

Luckily Louis was home to let me in, otherwise I'd have to spend awhile banging on the front door of the apartment, demanding that Ronnie open up. Then again, I did know how to pick a lock. These were unnecessary tactics, however.

"Oh, hi… Christie?" Her roommate guessed, seeming to not care whether it was right.

"Christa. Close enough" I corrected smoothly, pushing past him without another word. This was typical of our interactions. I tried being friendly the first few times I met him, but the boy had zero tact when it came to socializing. It was better this way.

"I suppose she hasn't eaten?" I called when getting close to Ronnie's room. Louis shook his head before retreating back to his side of the apartment. I sighed and turned the knob of her door, letting myself in without warning.

"Good afternoon, sunshine" I announced to the unmoving lump under Ronnie's sheets. It didn't garner a reply. So I squinted through the dim lighting to find her window, and made my way over to open the blinds.

When I completed my task, a groan escaped the cocoon of blankets. "Don't act like the light hurts you, Ronnie" I reprimanded. "You aren't a vampire."

"I can still suck the blood from your vital arteries" she shot back groggily.

I rolled my eyes and walked to the bed once again, settling down close to her in the now light-filled room. Her painted walls were illuminated, displaying every detail of the woman's handiwork.

"This place is much prettier in the sunlight" I commented, pulling the comforter away from her head. "You should really take a look."

"No" she whined, burying her face in a pillow.

"You can't sleep these moods away, babe" I said in a softer tone, running a few fingers through her hair.

"I can. It's worked before. Watch me."

"You're not resolving the issue. You're just trying to ignore it."

"And you're one to lecture me? I swear, Christa, I'm going to push you off this bed."

 _Don't listen to her_ , I reminded myself while I inhaled a deep breath, _she doesn't mean it._

"That's quite the statement. Why don't you put that energy into something more productive? Like eating?" I poked at her side. "And take your antidepressants while you're at it. They can't do their job if you don't keep a schedule."

She groaned again, louder this time. "I'll go pick something up for you. But first I need you to get up" I attempted to coax.

"I don't need your babying" she said harshly, growing sincerely irritated now. "I'm tired and anxious and just pent up. Leave me alone, woman" she finished with an angry tone of finality.

"Mhm, why do you think you feel this way?" I asked, taking a different approach.

She was silent, and for a split-second I wondered if she'd suffocated herself in that pillow. With a quick glance, however, I noticed her continued breathing. "First of all, I haven't had sex in two months."

"Uh huh" I replied in a neutral voice, prompting her to continue.

"Which is like, a long time for me, okay?" She said, thoroughly frustrated.

"Yeah, I know."

"And I'm never going to graduate because I can't pass one fucking class. Why is this even required? I don't _need_ it. I'm not _good_ at it. No one is enjoying this situation!"

"So you failed another English test" I concluded, beginning to rub her back in circular motions. "And you don't know where to go from here. But have you considered that your girlfriend is in an honors English course?" I asked lightly, suppressing any negative emotions her little rant brought up.

Ronnie was silent.

"You don't have to struggle alone, sunshine. I will help you if you ask."

I paused my ministrations, waiting for a response, hoping I'd helped in some way. "That doesn't make it all hurt less" she said quietly.

"I know" I repeated, removing my hand from her back. "Accepting that there is a problem is a start, though. So I need you to get up."

The sunlight glimmered against her dark sheets, and got caught in her hair. The black curls shimmered with a slight blue tint. "It's going to be an awful day once I leave the bed."

"Maybe, but you still have to live it. Then we can move on."

"You sound like Ymir when she doesn't want to be a dick."

"That's probably why you like me" I presumed, pushing myself off the mattress. "Now do you want a burger or a sub?" I questioned. She hesitated, perhaps debating upon taking the bait.

"Sub" she answered in a resigned tone.

"Alright. You take a shower, and in the meantime, I'll go get that for you. Remember to text if you need anything else."

Ronnie complained a few more times, but in the end still listened. It turned out to be not quite as awful an afternoon as she'd expected.

* * *

 **AN: Review if you'd like to. I'll try to update again soon, although I just found out I have to retake four state tests because I moved from a different state. So I might be extra stressed/busy. High school's a fucking mess, man. Just a little over a month to go, and then I'm done with this bullshit. Finally.**


	52. Six Feet Under

**AN: So the good news is that I've been working on my original story again. The bad news revolves around the newest SnK chapter. Therefore, it's a spoiler. A very upsetting one that I will briefly address at the end of the chapter.**

* * *

 _Chapter Fifty Two- Six Feet Under_

* * *

Most of my visits to the school dining hall were dull and uneventful. I'd study and eat while attempting to block out the rest of the space's noise, struggling to be as efficient in my tasks as possible. This afternoon, however, I sat in a circle of freshman. It was almost a foreign feeling, spending time with students my age.

"So basically if I don't do this extra credit project, I'll have no chance of passing this class." I caught the end of one of Eren's little rants, having been staring at no particular spot on the wall. _What day of the week is it?_ I contemplated, brain completely fogged over from exhaustion.

"Don't give me that look, Armin. I really having been trying" the scowling teen explained to his friend. Looking suddenly uncomfortable by multiple disappointed faces, he hurriedly glanced at me. "Hey, we haven't heard from Christa yet. What's new with you?" He prompted, various layers hidden in his tone.

I was hesitant to speak, wondering if there were any stories worth telling. It's not like I shared much with this group anyway. " _Well_ , she's been dating a senior for what, two months now?" Sasha spoke up slyly.

Everyone perked up, aside from Eren. This was old news to him. "Oh, yeah" I confirmed blandly.

"Figures Christa would attract an older guy" Connie commented simply.

I corrected without thinking. "Girl, but yes. Close enough." I stirred the ice around my nearly empty cup with a pink straw. I squeezed the end of the plastic stick, then proceeded to contemplate how long I had until my next English paper was due. _They're quiet,_ I suddenly realized. _Of course they're quiet._

Everyone was seemingly surprised. Sasha and Eren's shock probably came from the fact that I so carelessly blurted out that detail. "What?" I questioned lightly, trying to push away the uncomfortable atmosphere. "I have to admit it's a bit annoying dating someone older, though. Like, she's had three more years of experience in everything. I think her expectations are way too high." I huffed out a very fake laugh, wishing now more than ever I'd gotten some semblance of rest last night.

"Sounds rough" Sasha finally replied, and the rest followed her lead in relaxing. "Mikasa, isn't your boyfriend older too?"

The cold woman glanced up from her textbook. "Yeah. Turns out age doesn't make you any smarter though. Good thing I broke up with the idiot early on."

"Oh" was all Sasha could say in response. The former never failed to be direct.

I noticed Armin smiling slightly. "You guys make me really happy to be asexual. This relationship crap seems too stressful. Not to mention time consuming. Just look at Eren. We all know the reason he's failing so many classes is because he spends too much time with his boyfr-" Armin grunted, halting his phrase.

Eren was biting his lip nervously, avoiding any eye contact with his sister. Meanwhile, Armin shot the brunette an irritated look for presumably kicking the blonde midsentence. Fortunately for the subject of conversation, Mikasa hadn't caught onto the ordeal at all.

 _It's not like he can hide Levi forever,_ I thought, donning a small frown.

When I asked what the big deal was not long ago, Eren explained it simply. _"Mikasa knows who Levi is, and thinks he's the literal scum of the earth. If she found out, well… She's definitely not shy about confrontation. And Levi has this ego thing where he can't turn down a fight. Basically I'm afraid that one of them wouldn't come out alive. I know hiding it from her is a ticking bomb, but I honestly don't have any other plan of action."_

The poor boy was digging his own grave.

* * *

That evening I stayed in my room, finishing up what homework I could and attempting to stay awake just a little longer. This semester had truly been wearing me down. Not to mention, things with Ronnie were feeling particularly strained.

It wasn't that she was impatient or mean about my whole… situation. She merely seemed more tense than usual. Part of the behavior could be blamed on that one class she struggled endlessly with. But even now that I was somewhat tutoring her, she was still stressed in general.

And trust me, I wanted to help in more ways than one. Yet there was an odd fear holding me back. I guess part of me realized that going all the way with her would be the final line I'd have to cross into this unknown territory. I barely knew anything about guys, let alone _women_. I laid my forehead against the cool desktop, face going bright red just thinking about the subject.

Then a mere moment later, my phone began buzzing. I answered swiftly, hoping I was awake enough for a coherent conversation. "Hey, sunshine" I answered in a clearly tired tone.

"Are you okay?" Ronnie immediately asked.

"Yeah. Just lacking some sleep. What's up?"

"Oh, damn. Sorry to ask you this since you're not-"

"What is it?" I interrupted. "I'm totally fine."

"Okay, if you insist." I began to pick up on a bit of background noise. Voices shouted in the distance, while some closer by made their way through the speaker. "The short version of the story is that I've been trying to contact Ymir for an hour now, and she won't respond."

"Alright?"

"I'm a little ways out of town, at this stupid event Louis dragged me to. Anyway, I'm sorta worried and hoping you can just check in on her? I can't imagine she's anywhere other than home on a Wednesday night."

"Have you thought about, oh I don't know, contacting her girlfriend for this favor?"

Ronnie laughed humorlessly. "Great idea, except Ann is out of town. Has been since Monday. Her Grandma's in the hospital or something. Left quick, and without Ymir."

"Oh, I see" I replied quietly. "Sure, I'll go check on her."

"Awesome, thanks baby. I'll make sure to kiss you lots when I'm back."

"Uh huh. I'll hold you to that promise."

"See you soon" she said lightly. I detected Louis talking behind her.

"Yeah, bye." I was left with the beeping of a concluded call. Sighing, I got up to search for my jacket. It was already dark out, so I'd have to keep to the lit sidewalks. I checked the temperature before leaving, noticing that it'd dropped ten degrees in the last hour. _The things I do for these women,_ I thought while stepping out into the biting chill.

* * *

 **AN: I originally planned to start this off with a joke, but not I'm that bitter anymore. I'm still angry, and quite sad, but I don't need to mask my disappointment in Isayama with humor. He's quite blatantly proven he's not an ally. Anyway, getting straight to the point, I'm done reading the manga. Ymir was the only thing keeping me around these past few months, and now that she's been discarded without a second thought, I'm done. I still love her as a character, so of course I'm continuing this story, but I can't stand an SnK without the only canon lesbian. There are so many reasons why this death makes me unbearably upset, but I won't get into it here. This paragraph is already long enough. If you really need to know, you can PM me, but otherwise, this is where I'm leaving the subject.**


	53. Want

**AN: I actually got off my ass and posted. Yay. This is sort of in celebration of my casual and unplanned coming out to my brother (now I'm out to _both_ of my siblings. So, double yay. Finally, I quite like this chapter. I hope you do too.**

* * *

 _Chapter Fifty Three- Want_

* * *

I knocked harshly on Ymir's door, praying to anyone listening that she was actually home. I needed a hot cup of coffee and a damn blanket. I figured the walk would have warmed me up somewhat. Spoiler alert, it didn't.

And miraculously, she answered. "Christa?" She questioned, seeming just as out of it as I'd been all day. Either she was unusually tired or… Glancing at her figure leaning heavily against the doorframe, I'd say she was hammered.

"Are you kidding me?" I asked bluntly, pushing past the unsteady woman to get inside. "If you're going to throw back shots, the least you can do is answer your calls. Where's your phone?" I demanded. She blinked at me for a couple of moments, seemingly confused. Finally, she shut the door and rubbed at her eyes.

"Um, in my room, I think?"

"When was the last time you checked it?"

"I don't know" she answered grumpily, walking back into the living room.

"I'd appreciate it if you were a responsible adult, just this once" I went on, exasperated.

"What are you, my babysitter?" The drunk woman argued back.

"Ha. I'm surprised you can even form a coherent sentence." I pulled off my jacket and promptly threw it onto her couch.

She groaned and sat down, leaning into the cushions with a hand against her forehead. "Why are you being so mean?"

"Oh, you want to know? Because _my girlfriend_ had to call me at eight o'clock to ask me to check up on her irresponsible friend. And guess what, that's you. You've traumatized Ronnie to the point where any level of silence has her worried you're in the middle of some suicidal act."

"Why the hell are you jumping to fucking wild conclusions?" Ymir raised her voice.

"I don't know!" I shouted back honestly, unsure why the situation had me so worked up. _Maybe…_ "Maybe it's because I'm actually worried about you too. I don't like how you do everything so carelessly. You drive too fast and you eat too many carbs and you complain so damn much! You smoke when you're stressed and you say what you want, when you want. A-and you drink all the damn time. Even when Annie tells you not to. And yet I still like you!" I was much too loud. I needed some self-control, yet at the moment all I felt was an acidic weakness creeping through my bones. "Why do I still like you?" I echoed in a much softer voice.

Surely my cheeks were red from the cold and eyes watery from my mini speech. With the obvious circles under my eyes, I must have looked like quite the mess.

While keeping a calm face, Ymir had managed to find a half-empty beer bottle, taking short swigs from it as I went on. After I was finished though, she set the glass back down and watched me through narrowed eyes. "Obviously I'm the embodiment of all the carefree thing you've wanted to do. You're too high and mighty to admit that though."

I released a short, achingly dry laugh. " _Obviously_ " I echoed, astounded by her words. They hit me like a dart. Sharp, painful, accurate, and deflating my energy with each passing second.

Her eyes still tracked my movements, even as I retreated to the empty armchair. "What now? Are you going to vent about your sexual inexperience while simultaneously expressing your deep hatred for me?"

"How are you so articulate after plainly drinking so much?" I asked groggily, limbs feeling stiff.

"A lot of practice" she explained.

"God, you're depressing." And just like that, we let the room fall into a frail silence. Clearly, we'd both already had a rough week. I wasn't in the mood to ask what was going wrong in Ymir's life, so I settled for general assumptions. Neither of us had the will to say much to each other anyway.

After empty minutes spent staring at the photos on her wall, I eventually messaged Ronnie to assure her that Ymir was still breathing. Then I got up to make myself coffee, well-acquainted with their kitchen by this point.

Ymir turned on the television, skimming through channels with half-lidded eyes. She didn't question how long I was staying, or if I even planned to leave that night. Apparently she didn't care enough to inquire. She soon landed on an overplayed comedy movie. It was mildly entertaining, yet lacking any real mental stimulation.

Once I had a mug of coffee in hand, I meandered back toward the couch, wordlessly curling up against Ymir's idle side. The intoxicated woman could have commented that I had a jacket not far away if I was cold. However, she didn't.

And that's how we spent the rest of the evening. Neither of us laughed at the on-screen attempt at humor. I was fine with blankly staring at the actors' interactions, not giving any thought to plot or dialogue. I sipped at my drink slowly.

Ymir fell asleep after the first hour, head gradually leaning over until it eventually rested atop mine. Maybe all she needed that night was companionship. I never considered that someone like Ymir got lonely. And yet, it was evident by how relaxed she became with my presence.

Once I was sure she was unconscious, I grabbed the remote to turn the TV off. I set my mug on the coffee table, and shifted over gently and let her slide onto my lap. That'd be more comfortable for the both of us.

Her breathing was slightly labored, and I remembered that she was still getting over a cold from the previous week. I absently ran my fingers through the thin strands of her hair.

Ronnie said she'd drive me home as soon as she got back into town. Who knew how late that would be. I didn't really mind waiting, though. It was peaceful enough here, especially now that Ymir couldn't psychoanalyze me. I swear, the woman could be such a nuisance.

It was alongside that twinge of annoyance that I felt an overwhelming sense of compassion toward the sleeping individual. As much as she absolutely strained me, there were small moments that made the stress worthwhile. I suppose she was correct in what she had said before. But it wasn't entirely that I wanted the freedom to _act_ like her. Rather, I think I simply wanted her.

I paused my gentle ministrations as a flush rose up my skin. _Oh,_ I thought, having been unable to admit that to myself this entire time. _I want her_.

It was a naïve thought. An impossible notion. Ymir was immensely loyal to Annie. Even if she no longer loved the woman the way she had before, I couldn't imagine the two splitting. They seemed to rely upon each other too much.

"Look at what you did to me" I whispered, a bittersweet smile on my lips. "And here you thought you were playing it safe."

I blinked away the wetness gathering in my eyes. Maybe this was all a mistake. Befriending Ymir. Beginning a relationship with Ronnie. After all, I'd never intended to care this deeply for either of them.

And then I wondered for a terrifying moment, _is it wrong for me to be wanting Ymir while still dating Ronnie?_ It almost felt like a betrayal in my mind. I had to push it away, though. It's not like the latter had to know.

Ymir stirred for a second, then settled back into my lap, muttering something incomprehensible. I watched her parted lips, and exhaled heavily. This wasn't the first time I thought about kissing the woman. But this time, it was different. The urge was stronger, and she was in a position where… What? I could take advantage of her?

I shook my head and looked away. It hurt, feeling such an unexpectedly strong want for her. For everything that accompanied the notion. The morality in me still won out. I could only hope this feeling didn't fester. I didn't want to experience it grow any worse than this.

* * *

 **AN: Leave a review if you'd like. Sorry for the late responses some of you have gotten. My email and Fanfiction must be plotting to fuck me over, because I've been getting notifications weeks late. It's irritating, to say the least.**


	54. That Fuzzy Feeling

**AN: I completed my last final today! I'm technically done with high school now. All I have left is to attend graduation. So here's my celebratory post, I guess, lol.**

* * *

 _Chapter Fifty Four- That Fuzzy Feeling_

* * *

I let Ronnie in soon after eleven. "Sorry about leaving you with the beast."

I shrugged and shut the door behind her. "She wasn't that bad later on. Fell asleep pretty early too."

"Good to hear" Ronnie replied calmly, seemingly worn out by her evening. Rolling my stiff shoulders, I leaned against the entryway wall. A teasing smile tugged at my lips as I eyed the moderately well-dressed woman.

"If I recall correctly, I was promised kisses upon your return" I prompted lightly, waiting impatiently for her eyes to land on me. She raised a curious brow first, then took the two steps required to stand in front of me.

"Oh, is that something I said?" She asked in raspy voice. She must've done a lot of socializing tonight. I shot her a _'don't play innocent look,'_ and she laughed as quietly as she could manage. "You realize how pissed Ymir gets about PDA in her home, right?"

"Yeah, well, Ymir gets pissed about a lot of things" I retorted, remembering how quick she was to argue with me that evening. Though to be honest, I was good at riling people up.

"Fair enough" Ronnie replied. Then she brought a hand to my warm cheek, running her thumb along my soft and blushing skin. I closed my eyes and exhaled shakily, feeling the weight of the day ease off my shoulders.

She finally kissed me, gently with a hint of hesitation. Clearly she didn't want to get too distracted. "You taste like alcohol" I mumbled against her lips.

"I didn't drink much" she replied evenly, feather-light fingers sneaking under my shirt and brushing against the skin of my waist.

"Swear?" I questioned weakly, images of Ymir's drunken saunter flooding my mind.

 _Nn_ , she hummed in assurance. I grabbed one of her belt loops, and pulled her hips flush against mine, then kissed her full-on this time. Her presence made me feel intoxicated.

"You look hot in black jeans" I commented breathily, letting her back away for a moment.

"I'll keep that in mind" Ronnie said, rubbing circles along my hip methodically.

My eyelids fluttered open, and I couldn't suppress a cheeky grin. "I'm also impressed they're paint-free. You manage to mess up all of your clothes."

"A hazard I must live with" she responded smoothly.

A few pecks later, I was feeling pleasantly warm inside. I was growing increasingly accustomed to this fuzzy feeling in my stomach. It was a wholehearted satisfaction that seemed to set me alight with joy.

We eventually detached ourselves from each other. I readjusted the hem of my shirt while Ronnie backed away and walked toward the living room. "Well then, are you ready to go?" She asked, taking a quick look at Ymir's sleeping form.

"Uh, yeah. Should I leave her a note though? And maybe a pillow?" I questioned, retrieving my jacket.

"She's fine" Ronnie reasoned easily. I stared at the unconscious woman for a little while longer with a frown. My girlfriend sighed and walked toward the hall.

"I'll get her a pillow and blanket if it'll reassure you" she stated.

"Thanks" I responded simply. Once Ymir was taken care of and most of the lights were turned off, we exited the house. I was sure to turn the lock on the way out.

The Jeep was still warm when we entered, and I held my hands inches from the heater on the dashboard. Ronnie restarted the car, and we were swiftly on our way to my dorm.

"Have any plans this weekend?" I inquired casually.

She hummed in thought for a second, then shook her head. "Nope. Have anything in mind?"

"I was thinking we could just hang out. It's been a little while since we've had a decent amount of time alone. We could go out to eat or stay at the apartment?" I suggested, heat creeping up along my neck. Maybe she didn't catch onto the implications I was trying to present, because her response was light enough.

"Sure. Louis might actually be at his boyfriend's too. I mean, he's not much of a presence anyway, but still nice not having to worry about his complaining. He always has an opinion about what's on TV, even when he's not even watching. Trust me, I love him. But I want to strangle him."

I chuckled at her statement while a small stone seemed to sink in my stomach at the news that her roommate might not be around. _This is it, Christa. You can do it. Stop avoiding your problems._ "It's a date then" I said definitively, smiling despite my worries.

* * *

Ymir didn't show up to class the next day. I hoped she merely had a debilitating hangover, rather than another drinking fest. I'd already helped as much as I could, however, so it was up to her common sense whether she properly cared for herself this time around.

I completed the required work fairly quickly with the lack of a distraction, and had a few extra minutes toward the end. I spent the time replying to some texts from that morning.

When the bell rang, I followed the other students out the door and into the rest of the crowd milling about in the hallway. Before I could make it outside though, someone grabbed my forearm and pulled me against the wall. "What?" I demanded snappily, then saw my captor.

The circles under Ymir's eyes were darker than usual, her tan face devoid of its usual color. "Sorry if I scared you. I, uh, slept in pretty late and figured I'd get today's notes from you as soon as I could. Is that alright?" She explained cautiously, probably battling an intense headache and lingering nausea.

"Yeah" I replied blandly, fishing around for the correct folder in my bag. Upon retrieving it, I handed her the proper notes. "Just give it back tomorrow. The assignment should be up on the school site."

"Right" she said with a nod, somewhat out of it still. "Thanks. Also, sorry for last night. I don't entirely remember what happened, but I probably said something shitty at one point."

"You're fine" I said with a sigh, shoulders hunched. "I was being a bitch too. We just yelled for a little bit, then watched a movie. No big deal" I responded casually, suppressing the nerves coming to life within my limbs.

To be honest, last night was a big deal. I already couldn't look at Ymir the same way, now that I actually knew my real feelings toward her. But I would just have to learn to cope with this truth, as I did with every other aspect of my life. So I smiled at her softly, and added something else while I remembered.

"Hey, while I've still got your attention…" I bit my lip, then reminded myself that I couldn't be putting Ymir before everyone else. "If Annie's not back by this weekend, maybe you should stay with some friends? I wouldn't mind keeping you company, but Ronnie and I sort of have plans."

"Plans that you don't want interrupted by any sort of break down" she finished for me. She gave me a crooked smile, seemingly understanding my point. "Sure." She glanced past me wearily for a moment, then back down to meet my inquiring gaze. "Well, see you tomorrow then."

I nodded slowly, an odd feeling settling in my stomach. "Yeah, tomorrow."


	55. Skin

**AN: Happy Pride Month! I wanted to upload on the first to kick things off, but mental stuff got in the way. I also had the idea that I could upload more frequently this month to celebrate. Plus, I currently have a lot of chapters backed up, and I want my summer arc to be uploaded during the actual summer. S** **o we'll see how well that goes.**

* * *

 _Chapter Fifty Five- Skin_

* * *

On Saturday, it rained, creating the perfect excuse to stay inside. So we did.

Ronnie's apartment smelled vaguely of Louis's weed, and I was glad that he wasn't currently around to smoke up the place. When I asked Ronnie about her roommate's boyfriend, who he was currently staying with, she explained that he lived almost an hour out of town. He'd be transferring from a community college to here next year, ultimately taking Ronnie's empty spot in the apartment.

That was why Louis spent entire weekends gone. He didn't like making the trip there and back in one day.

"What's going to happen to your room once you leave?" I asked sleepily, resting on the larger woman's chest as she laid stretched out on the sofa. I was playing with the curls of newly-dyed vibrant blue hair. The faded red was gone as of yesterday. I quite liked this color. It reflected her bright and eye-catching personality.

"They'll paint a basic color over all of my coats, then turn the room itself into a workspace. Louis can't really fit all his sculpture supplies in his room, and it's been spilling into the main space for months now. The apartment will definitely be more organized when that stuff is moved around."

I could faintly detect the pattering of rain against the kitchen windows. The overcast sky left a gray dimness to the indoor space, the weather seeming to creep inside through the raindrop-streaked panes.

Ronnie and I hadn't really discussed what would happen after graduation, if we were even still together at that point. There was a chance she'd stay in town. Yet, I also knew there was a large possibility that she'd leave as soon as a suitable job was available. I supposed we'd face the accompanying issues if, and when, they ever arose.

"Everything okay, sunshine?" I asked after an unusually long bout of silence.

"Yeah" she answered after a beat, shifting underneath me slightly. I placed a hand beside her, on the sofa's surface, pushing my body up. I moved to straddle her waist, then brushed my hair back.

She watched my every movement with heavy-lidded eyes, seemingly lulled by the downpour. I liked how her gaze remained focused on me. Among the many other things I'd learned while dating Ronnie, I realized how much I loved the attention. I practically basked in it.

"You could continue staring" I prompted playfully, high on rising adrenaline. This was when I'd make my move. "Or you could do something."

She raised an inquiring brow. "I feel like you're suggesting something, but my naïve mind has no idea what your intentions are."

I snorted in laughter. The complete opposite of sexy. "Oh, I bet" I replied smoothly, trying to maintain some semblance of an adult air. Then I tilted my head and narrowed my eyes. "Would a drink help clear things up for you?" I asked.

"Nope" she suddenly said in a simple tone, and proceeded to pull me down by the front of my shirt. I gasped sharply before my breath was cut off completely. Ronnie kissed me deeply from the start, breath hot and arms circling around me. _Fuck. I forgot she's an expert at this,_ I thought.

Soon enough, I felt her familiar tongue against my lips, and I unintentionally groaned at her swift expertise. She was already working my loose shirt up my back, hands grazing further along my skin.

I pulled away momentarily, panting to regain my breath as I slid the shirt over my head entirely. "Wow, you really came prepared" Ronnie casually commented, eyes fixated on my lacy bra.

"Oh shut up" I said weakly, still lacking enough oxygen.

"I wasn't complaining." Then the older woman frowned, and I grew somewhat suspicious of what she must be planning. "Hm. How do I pull you down now that your shirt's gone?" She pondered mockingly. I huffed one final time and rolled my eyes at her dramatics.

"Just do what you're going to do already" I instructed in a false tone of exasperation. To be honest, I liked her light-hearted words. It made the entire situation feel less intimidating.

In a quick succession of movements, Ronnie first laid her leg on mine, then grabbed my hips firmly. With a short heave, she yanked me down onto the cushions, then flipped over to hover above me. "Impressed?" She asked with a dumb smirk.

"I guess" I replied, despite my pounding heart.

"Tough crowd" she said with a shrug. As she leaned back down to kiss me again, I held a hand up to stop her, palm resting against her chest. I signaled to her own shirt with my eyes. "What, are you shy being less clothed or something?" She inquired, not quite as jokingly as before.

"Sort of?" I answered, a bit sheepishly.

A moment later, she was reaching down to the hem of her tank, swiftly pulling the garment up and over her head. "Nothing fancy for me, huh?" I commented upon seeing her standard black bra.

"I don't need that lacy shit. My body _is_ the work of art" Ronnie stated, managing to maintain a completely serious expression.

"Oh my God" I said in a high tone, beginning to cackle just a second later. " _Holy fuck_." Laughs continued to wrack my body, and I attempted to cover my mouth with an equally shaky hand. "Do you use that line on all the girls?"

"No. It is great though, right?" She was grinning along now. I shook my head, laugh devolving into giggles.

"And people wonder why you can't keep girlfriends" I joked.

"C'mon, you're still here."

"After hearing that, I don't know" I continued to mock. I tried to even my breathing out again, a few tears slipping from the corners of my eyes. Ronnie's gaze had shifted to focus on the rain, only a slightly amused expression on her face. "I'm kidding, sunshine" I assured with one final hiccup of a laugh.

Once her eyes were back to me, I smiled softly up at her. "Thank you for the humor. Really. I know you can tell I'm nervous, and trust me, I don't want to be… But, thanks. You're making this very easy."

Ronnie sighed, though not in a tired manner. It was more content, rather than anything else. I watched her chest rise and fall with her steady breaths, and couldn't resist raising my hand to rest against her left breast. I could feel her heartbeat.

"You're really warm" I muttered, eyes fluttering back up to look at her. A second later, she dipped in to kiss my cheek. Then ran her lips along my jaw, moving slowly down to my neck. Her kisses were light and gentle. There was no hurry to her movements.

I inhaled a shuddering breath as she reached my chest. Her fingers were rubbing along my stomach, mouth sucking lightly on the top of my right breast. Feeling overwhelmingly comforted by her presence, her compassion, and gentle touches, I whispered a lingering thought. "I think I love you."

She paused, and I immediately stiffened. I hadn't meant to say that. I hadn't intended to disrupt this moment. Everything was going _so well_ and yet I had to be so impulsive, as always-

My reprimanding thoughts were interrupted, however, by Ronnie's lips suddenly against mine. I was shocked for a moment, but took no longer to wrap my arms around her shoulders. I wanted to be closer. I needed to feel her skin.

I nearly breathed her in, completely encased in her heat and growing drunk from her kisses. She broke away. I kept my eyes closed. "Really?" She muttered hopefully from a mere inch away. My heart was beating so quickly. This must be it. This must be that wonderful feeling everyone talks about.

"Y-yes" I answered breathily.

Seemingly satisfied with my reply, Ronnie planted a quick, lingering kiss on my lips. She snuck her right hand beneath me, reaching her destination at the clasp of my bra. "Is this okay?" She questioned. I nodded, lips parted and nerves on fire.

She deftly unclasped it, and I let her untangle me from the constricting item. "Fuck" she said simply. If I didn't already enjoy her stares of adoration, I might be embarrassed at this one. I didn't mind, though.

It wasn't long before the rest of our clothing followed. Ronnie kept the process slow, even excruciatingly slow at some parts. And she was always considerate. Despite her obvious hunger, she handled me with care. There wasn't a single point where I was uncomfortable.

As we continued to get lost in each other, with limbs entwined, all I felt was heat, pleasure, and an undeniable love.

* * *

 **AN: Comment if you'd like. Hopefully I'll be back sooner than usual.**


	56. Icarus

**AN: I might update again on the fifteenth, depending on how tired I am. If not, I'll aim for the weekend.**

* * *

 _Chapter Fifty Six- Icarus_

* * *

"I kind of feel bad about having sex on Louis's couch" I said that evening, watching Ronnie brew coffee from the kitchen counter.

"I don't" she replied simply. The rain had let up about an hour ago, yet the sky was still dark with a looming storm. It might thunder later in the night.

Despite the cold outside temperatures, I wasn't clad in much. I'd put my undergarments back on, along with one of Ronnie's paint-spattered shirts. It was basically a dress on me, so I felt no need for pants. Ronnie was dressed just as casually, with a pair of sweats and simple tank top.

The aforementioned woman also had her hair pulled back into a cute, puffy ponytail. I was caught by surprise when a mug was placed in front of me. I blinked a couple of times, then picked it up, cradling the hot glass between my palms.

"You were spacing out" she commented, blowing on the surface of her coffee.

"Sorry. Did you say something?"

"Just that Louis will probably be replacing most of the furniture once I'm gone anyway."

"I don't think that's much of an excuse. You still have, what, three months left here? Maybe four?" I prompted.

She hummed an affirmative, and watched as I tentatively sipped at the drink. "So you love me, huh?" I nearly choked on the little bit of coffee I'd managed to swallow.

Placing the mug back down cautiously, I fixed upon my girlfriend a very pointed look. "I said _I think_ I do, okay? That's not a definitive statement."

"You're blushing" she teased with a growing grin. "You're cute."

I released an awkward snort of laughter, then glanced around the space for a distraction. When I heard the ticking of a clock in the background, I suddenly remembered my plan to check on Ymir at some point. When inspecting the time, I noticed it was past seven.

"Do you remember where I left my phone?" I asked Ronnie, beginning to search for the device. My eyes scanned every visible surface, and I continued to walk toward the sofa. I rested a hand against the armrest, finding my phone on neither the cushions nor the floor.

"I think it ended up on the floor with your discarded clothes." I moved to the front of the couch, then crouched down to look underneath. There it was, hidden in the furniture's shadow just a couple inches away.

After retrieving it, I was relieved to find no missed messages or calls. I started to type out a text for Ymir. Pushing myself up and rising to my feet, I walked slowly back toward the kitchen. I rested against the counter, finishing the message. Once the text was sent, I relaxed my shoulders.

"Something urgent?" Ronnie asked.

"No. Just checking on Ymir. Better to be safe, especially after what happened a few days ago" I responded, watching the black phone screen, waiting for a reply.

"She's not a kid, y'know" the other woman commented teasingly.

"Sure. But she acts like one often enough" I retorted. Ronnie hid her grin behind the rim of her coffee mug. "I'm starting to understand why Annie always looks at least mildly stressed."

She laughed lightly. It was muffled by her cup.

I tapped the countertop impatiently, counting each second that passed. She was probably just preoccupied by friends, to be fair. She might've even been relatively sober. _No reason to be worried._

Then Ronnie set her mug down, the clinking of glass resounding through the kitchen. She was donning a contemplative expression, small smile creeping along her lips. "I like you a lot, Christa" she abruptly stated. Her half-lidded eyes were focused on me, and I felt my blush flare up again.

"Alright?" I replied, confused and taken aback.

"I haven't really had long relationships before" she admitted, attempting to explain. "So I don't quite know what to expect, and what's normal for me to be feeling at this point. And I don't exactly understand what love is supposed to feel like, in a romantic sense, at least." She paused, seeming the slightest bit embarrassed now. "I just know that I like you, in a weirdly intense way, is all I'm trying to say" she finally confessed.

I gaped for a moment, then glanced down at my fingers. They'd quit tapping as soon as Ronnie had begun speaking. "That's okay" I said weakly. "It's not like I have any more experience with this whole 'relationship' thing. We're figuring things out… and that's fine. We can experience all these freaky new things together, even if we don't understand it much."

Ronnie exhaled heavily, seemingly relieved by my agreement and acceptance. "Yeah. That sounds like a good plan" she said, less confident than usual. I smiled, hoping to reassure her more. I reached out my hand, a bit shakily, wanting to intertwine my fingers with hers.

Then my phone buzzed.

I pulled my hand back. Ronnie didn't appear to have noticed my action at all. We both looked at the lit screen, and I quickly picked it up. "Ymir, as to be expected" I announced, opening the text.

" _'_ _Everything's great on my end_ , _'_ she says. And then there's a picture." I enlarged the image to fill the entire screen, and turned my phone around to show Ronnie. She briefly chuckled, and nodded in response. I looked at the image once more.

Ymir had a wide grin set on her face, with her arm around Maria. The Colombian woman was kissing the former's cheek. There were a few other familiar faces in the background. It appeared to be a small gathering, probably at one of the girl's houses.

"I guess she's in good hands tonight" Ronnie prompted. I bit my lip, then hummed my agreement. _There was nothing to be worried about after all,_ I thought. It was around that moment, with an ache in my chest, that I realized it wasn't specifically me she had needed in the first place. Any acquaintance could have walked in and kept her company on that drunken night. I supposed there was nothing special about my companionship after all.


	57. House on Fire

**AN: It's a day late, but I doubt anyone's surprised by that.**

* * *

 _Chapter Fifty Seven- House on Fire_

* * *

I got used to waking up in Ronnie's bed on weekends. Well, not just weekends. Sometimes I needed space from the dorm. Still, it was nice looking up at the stars painted on her ceiling, and even counting them when I couldn't sleep. Everything in her room became a familiar sight before long.

And then March passed. Suddenly Ronnie's English grades were back up, thanks to me, and I fell into a rhythm with both schoolwork and my evenings. It all grew to be comfortable.

And April continued to blow through. The final semester reached its second half, and an unrest among seniors followed. Graduation was prematurely creeping up on the campus. Levi complained about only being a junior, meanwhile Maria and other students laid out plans for everything that followed.

Ronnie perused multiple job opportunities, taking her time as if delaying the future itself. I think she was merely waiting on news from that project up in Portland. She got anxious when anyone mentioned it, and seemed a little too laidback in regards to any other applications.

As for Ymir… She only got worse. She skipped class more frequently. At first I presumed she was already itching for summer, but when she did attend, her entire demeanor was less charismatic. It was like she'd just checked out, her mind as far away from campus as possible. It was frustrating and confusing, especially since Annie didn't appear concerned.

Then there would be these small moments, like last week at Levi's, when she'd be all energy and jokes and grins. She made my chest ache the most in those instances. My guilt over my feelings only continued to fester.

I was playing some vain shooter game with Ymir one night when something just seemed to explode inside of me. Annie was down the hall and Ronnie went to dinner with some alumni friends. We sat there on the couch, and she was kicking my ass, as usual. I lost the round and Ymir was trying to brag about it, but it honestly didn't mean crap considering I had no idea how to play the game.

I rolled my eyes and reached up to push my hair back. My elbow bumped her arm, and I realized how close we'd gotten. There was plenty of extra seating space, yet we were nearly hip to hip. I paused, bemused expression falling. I glanced up and she was watching me. She looked so goddamn pretty that day with dark eyeliner and a tight shirt. I wanted to brush away that strand of brunette hair on her cheek. I couldn't. No, I _shouldn't_.

I heard Annie rifling through her homework in the other room, a harsh reminder of my reality. We were both in relationships. Even if I wasn't imagining her soft expression, or the invitation in her eyes, it wouldn't mean anything. I wasn't allowed to simply lean in and kiss her, like I'd wanted to do for so long.

It hurt, and I felt nauseous. These desires felt wrong. Neither Ymir nor Ronnie deserved to be caught up in my hurricane of emotions. I couldn't let myself so easily destroy these relationships I'd spent months building.

I glanced away, then made some bland comment about how I would demolish her in any Nintendo game. She laughed, and I could tell her heart wasn't in it.

* * *

Ronnie picked me up that evening. I climbed into her Jeep and the shut the door, then sank back into the seat. She was very upbeat and prepared to talk throughout the entire drive back to her apartment. And she was so happy to see me. She kept sliding her hand over to touch or hold mine, meanwhile she chuckled about some inside joke she'd shared with her friends.

The disgust inside my gut kept gnawing away. I bit my lip hard, hoping the pain would pull me together. Then I tasted blood and opened my mouth. "I like Ymir" I blurted, eyes focused on the road ahead.

Her vibrant atmosphere fell flat in a single moment. The air felt very suddenly dead, and quite uncomfortable. I didn't look at her, didn't reach out to touch her for reassurance. I just waited.

Many seconds passed. I wasn't sure if she was angry, which didn't seem likely, or maybe sad. She could be confused too. So I elaborated. "In a romantic way" I added, my voice shaking.

"Yeah, I get it" she replied in a neutral tone.

"I'm sorry" I muttered, a wave of self-loathing washing over my body. I never meant to hurt her, yet of course I managed to screw this all up in some way.

"Why are you apologizing?" She questioned quietly. I cautiously looked over, the taste of blood still lingering on my tongue. She was visibly contemplative, with a lack of any particular emotion present on her features.

"I-I'm figuring it out now but… I've felt this way for a long time. And I still agreed to go out with you. It's not fair for you or her" I tried to explain.

"Christa" Ronnie sighed, "I've known you like Ymir since, well, I first met you. It's pretty obvious."

I gaped. "What? You're telling me you knew before I did? And yet you _still_ pursued me?"

The roar of the engine drowned out the rest of the world. Lamplights flickered past as we continued to drive. They strained my eyes, then were gone in the next instant. A flash of irritation, and a darkness that fell through the windshield. It ate at the empty space between us.

"I didn't really expect much out of this" she confessed. "Besides, at the end of the day it's still me you're coming back to. That probably sounds haughty, but it's one piece of reassurance I can hold onto."

"God, now I feel like an even bigger pile of shit" I grumbled, slouching forward. I craved the peaceful black behind my eyelids.

She snorted. "You're making this into a bigger deal than it really is. Think of it from a more logical standpoint. Annie and Ymir's relationship has been toxic for a while now. They'll fight about their problems for a few hours, fuck, then ignore whatever issue for another week. Ymir's as loyal as a dog. She's not leaving anytime soon."

I folded my hands in my lap, and looked up at her with a weak frown. "You're right, as depressing as that is" I admitted. Then I remembered another large aspect of all this. "You don't think Annie-?" I began.

"Knows?" Ronnie cut in. "Oh, I'm sure she was the first to notice."

"Great" I uttered.

"Again, those two seem to be stuck together with an oddly strong glue of familiarity. Picture it this way: Ymir's a house."

I furrowed my brows. "Uh huh" I prompted skeptically.

"Stick with me" Ronnie continued. "She was probably a fairly nice one in the beginning. The appliances worked properly, she was built in a good neighborhood, and all that. Then something went wrong in the kitchen, and the house caught fire. Annie's so attached to the old notion of Ymir that she's been trying to desperately to put this fire out. She's got less water than the house has fuel, though. That thing's burning down at some point, despite whether she wants to accept it."

"Are you suggesting I should avoid betting burnt up too?"

"Good idea, but not quite my message. I just mean it's a huge mess. If anything, they're going down together. I doubt anything we say or do can help it. Or, honestly, make it worse."

She was right. I'd been witnessing it myself. And her analogy should have been a warning. Ymir was on a clear path toward self-destruction. I wish I'd had the willpower to give her up, and steer away from the inevitable crash. Yet it was well-known by this point that Ymir made me weak. She was a hole in my armor that I couldn't manage to fill in.


	58. Without Oxygen

_Chapter Fifty Eight- Without Oxygen_

* * *

"Have you seen Reiner's new girlfriend?" Jess asked from beside me. It was well past midnight, and Levi's house was packed.

I was gossiping with the blue-haired girl in the corner, half-drunken beer in my hand and a blunt in hers. I swore she always smelled like weed, and I had finally been hanging out with her enough to understand why.

"He has another one?" I asked exasperatedly. She took a drag and laughed, then shrugged.

"There's no helping the closeted." She bumped my shoulder and glanced to my right. "Speaking of girlfriends."

Ronnie had managed to break away from the flock of lesbians just a few yards away. She ran a hand through her hair, seemingly worn out by the evening. "Hey ladies" she greeted once she'd made it over.

"You're not walking very straight" I commented, noting her slight stumble and wobbly motions.

"Baby, nothing about me is straight" she stated with a cheeky grin.

I rolled my eyes. "I think you're a little more than tipsy. Should I drive us home?" I inquired.

"I would say yes, but you don't know how to drive."

I sighed. "Fair enough. Maybe Annie will be sober enough to get us out of here."

Jess began to snicker from beside me, smoke seeping from between her clenched teeth. "You don't know how to drive? What else, you don't have a job either?"

"Correct, actually" I confirmed, watching her shoulders shake with growing laughter.

"Are you actually an adult? How do you survive?" She managed to get out.

Ronnie crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back onto her heels, a bemused expression creeping onto her features. She really loved this explanation.

"I got here on scholarships, and the rest is thanks to my uncle" I began, taking a sip from the warm can in my grip.

"What, is he rich or something?" She asked, calming down from her giggle fest.

"Not quite, but he is dead." That shut her up for a second. "Hang on, let me elaborate." I shot back the rest of the beer, then crushed the aluminum can. "My uncle went through odd jobs like he had a fear of commitment. But damn did he have savings." I handed my trash to Ronnie. She took it and listened with a grin.

"I definitely wasn't expecting it. Honestly, who knows what he was gonna use it all for. Some sort of retirement?" I proposed, then huffed out a dry laugh. "Nah. Thinking back on it, he was too aware of his own mortality. The point of it aside, he stored that shit where his parents' rats could never find it."

"By rats she means lawyers" Ronnie explained.

I nodded. "Anyway, he willed it all to me. If that isn't an indication of how untrustworthy and lonely he was, then hell, I don't know what is."

Jess raised a brow and smiled subtly. "I'm actually impressed."

"You should be. He's my greatest role model" I added blandly.

Then the other woman leaned in. "It's probably how bitchy you sound, but right now you're looking really hot."

"I'm flattered" I muttered back, turning to meet her heavy-lidded gaze.

"Um, I'm still here" Ronnie piped up. "And still dating Christa, so maybe leave it in your pants for now."

The blatantly high girl chuckled, then kissed my nose. "I guess that's fair" she drawled, slouching back against the wall.

I fell back against Ronnie as my train of thought faded with the music. The room was smoky, a thick gray hanging in the atmosphere. I could feel the dull thrum of my pulse in my veins, and the slow rhythm of my lungs. Everything else was moving so quickly.

I saw Ymir for a moment, drifting among social groups. Most of them tolerated her, so I don't think she claimed any as her own wholly. She glanced over for a second, and I noted her half-smile through the haze. She was wearing eyeliner, I remember. She rarely wore makeup, but something this small looked gorgeous on her. I wanted to soak her in.

And then I wasn't breathing oxygen anymore. It was just tobacco and weed and the lingering smell of vodka. I pushed myself roughly off of Ronnie. "I need air" I announced weakly, staggering toward the front of the house. I didn't leave her any time to question it.

When I made it outside, the air smelled of the afternoon's rain. It was thick too, but at least I could breathe. It was so much quieter out here. Suddenly the world seemed to be asleep.

I walked out a little further, and noticed Annie sipping at a drink while sitting on the wall. I thought about joining her for a moment, but I couldn't bring myself to speak to her much these days. I felt gross, considering my desires. What kind of human scum considers stealing someone's girlfriend?

"You okay?" She shouted from a distance. And I thought, _she knows_. There was a high-pitched chanting in my head. I was paranoid, surely. But Ronnie said it. It must be true. _She knows she knows she knows she knows-_

I halted and kept my face low. "Yeah" I answered, still breathing raggedly. There was an itch beneath my skin. I was scared it'd never cease. So I ignored it, then continued toward the sidewalk.

I spent almost an hour with the yellow streetlamps, hoping they'd share some wisdom. They had none to offer.

* * *

 **AN: I kind of hate the writing in the previous chapter, so I'm giving you two for one today. Hopefully this chapter leaves a better impression.**


	59. Great Heights

**AN: Times are rough, my friends.**

* * *

 _Chapter Fifty Nine- Great Heights_

* * *

Her hands gripped my thighs as my lips roamed down her neck. She arched slightly from beneath me, and I grazed my hand further up her side. The bedroom was silent, aside from her labored breathing. I moved lower and pushed into her more heavily. _I need this,_ I thought desperately, growing sicker every day. _Distract me._

Then her phone rang. "Ronnie" I mumbled against her skin as a warning.

"Sorry" my girlfriend muttered, already sitting up. I reluctantly got off her lap, then flopped onto my back on her bed. I missed the quiet.

She answered the phone cheerily, pacing the room as she spoke, as usual. I watched her move from the edge of my sight. She slowed down suddenly, her smile falling. Worry grew within my gut, and I straightened into a sitting position. I furrowed my brows in question.

"Wow. Yeah. I could be there… Next weekend? Does that work?" A pause on her end. "Thank you. Thank you so much. I swear I'll be there. Noon? Yeah. You guys have my email, right? Could you send me the address?" Her grin returned full-force.

"Who was that?" I questioned as soon as she hung up.

Ronnie still appeared quite shocked, hand in her hair as if she wanted to push it back, only to forget what she was doing mid-action. "You remember that project I was talking about a while ago, right?"

I nodded. "W-well I got an interview. I'll have to fly up to Portland next Friday, but holy shit. I never thought they'd actually consider me!" She finished, bursting with excitement.

I stood, surprised as well. "That's… Great" I managed to get out, smiling on her behalf. She didn't even notice my pause. She simply rushed over to hug me. I squeezed back reluctantly. _If Ronnie gets this job, she leaves,_ I concluded.

Sure, our relationship wasn't perfect. We had to talk about my crush on another woman, for fuck's sake. But I only got the feeling that after she was gone, I'd be alone. She'd been a great friend these past months, and I didn't yet know how I'd be able to say goodbye.

I hugged her tighter, and pushed off the questions for another day.

Ymir drove Ronnie to the airport that following Friday, and I accompanied the two. We said our goodbyes, and it was quite the big occasion, despite the fact that she'd be returning on Sunday.

When Ymir and I got back into the car, I suddenly shifted over and asked, "Do you want to see a movie tonight?" She glanced my way while maneuvering through the parking structure.

"Sure. Have anything in mind?"

"No" I confessed, failing to have thought that far ahead. But her agreement was enough to lift my mood. "I'll look up what's playing on the way back."

We ended up going to some action film, because neither of us could stomach romance, and I couldn't handle horror. The content of the movie played out as expected. Boobs, explosions, a big laser-beam into the sky. It was fairly entertaining, at least. Ymir looked pretty content, although that's probably because I bought her candy.

The entire time, I focused more on my reasoning for asking her out. I couldn't fully understand my compulsion. Maybe it was because I'd grown accustomed to companionship, and I didn't want to consider spending a weekend night alone. Or I guess it could've been because I missed Ymir.

Honestly, I'd been avoiding her for a while. I figured if I didn't have to interact with her, I could run away from my feelings as well. Clearly though, that wasn't working.

I also enjoyed having the excuse to discreetly glance over at her. I observed her small range of expressions, relieved that she never caught me staring. At one point, I looked back at the screen to see a man balancing atop a pole, miles off the ground. I sank back into my seat, and instinctively reached over to grab Ymir's hand. Heights made me unreasonably nervous.

She laughed a little when she noticed my pale appearance. She leaned in close to my ear, and whispered, "Just close your eyes if it scares you." I shivered slightly, even more anxious now from her proximity. My neck flushed, and I pulled my hand away.

"I-I'm not scared" I stuttered. She assumed my shaking voice was due to the movie. At least there was still one person left I could hide the truth from.

And then the film ended. I really only caught snippets of it, and couldn't remember it at all once the screen went to credits. It had been another evening with my thoughts. I don't know how I expected any less.

When we drove back home, I watched the streetlights pass by like shooting stars. I eventually opened the window to rest a hand out, feeling the cool night wind. This school year would be over soon. I'd have to part with all of this, even if it was for only a couple of months.

Yet in the meantime, I was on edge. It was harder to deny the musings in my brain with each passing day. In this matter of months, I realized I could no longer call myself straight. I couldn't see my future as this solid line. These people here had already changed me so much. The frightening part, however, was that I think I'd always been like this. But this real me had merely been… Dormant.

Even now, as the dark sky closed in on us, I felt high up. I was standing on the edge of another precipice. I felt like I was teetering on the final line of something huge, just waiting for the fall.


	60. Everything Must End

_Chapter Sixty- Everything Must End_

* * *

Ronnie got the job. She was moving to Portland in June. Just two weeks after graduation. She would spend just over a week on the coast with Annie, Ymir, and everyone before the month ended. But then that would be it.

When she got the news, only a few days after the interview, she was ecstatic. I shared in her joy, and listened to her discuss the kind of opportunities this opened for her future. She'd finally be doing what she'd dreamed of since middle school. She had a visible path toward success. She still couldn't believe it was all real.

Then reality returned. "Ronnie" I said the following day, "I don't think I can handle a long-distance relationship."

We were getting lunch. There was a light rainfall out the window. "Yeah, I've been thinking about that too."

I swirled the lemon around in my water with the straw. "I… I considered transferring schools" I admitted, eyes downcast. "And I know, that's stupid."

"It is stupid" she agreed. "You'd be in an unknown place, and when, not if, we broke up, you'd just be stuck there. Don't even consider something like that, Christa. Your future shouldn't revolve around me."

"I know" I replied pointedly. "It seemed like a solution, if only for a minute. I mean, I'd get to keep you, and I'd be able to forget about-" I almost said Ymir. "-All the weird drama that goes on here. It sounded nice, but obviously it's not a practical option. So…"

"We break up" Ronnie finished for me. I nodded slowly, observed the scratches on the table's surface.

"N-not right now" I tried to clarify. "Ymir actually recently invited me to go on that beach trip. And I think I'm going to go. We can still date up until then, right? And when you have to leave for good, we'll end it."

"You've really planned this all out" she noted with a smile, although her tone sounded more solemn than she wanted to let on.

I shrugged. "It makes me feel better if I can map it out."

"I guess it's official, then. We've got an end date" she joked. I snorted, only slightly humored.

"Let's keep this from everyone else, though. I don't want to make the vacation awkward."

"Okay" she agreed. And that was it.

* * *

Ronnie graduated at the very end of May. Her parents and four brothers were there, and all three of one of her brother's kids. That last part was a lot to handle. Her mom was so excited to meet me, and I was taken by surprise by her crushing hug. She was also a little pissed Ronnie hadn't introduced us beforehand, grumpily stating "You know the rules. They apply to you as much as they do to your brothers. I meet _all_ the girlfriends." Of course, she had to take her mother aside later and explain the status of our relationship. That dampened her mood, at least until the graduation party started.

It was a celebration at one of the student's houses, in honor of Ronnie, Maria, and a few other seniors from the same social groups. I stuck to the quiet corners, as usual, mostly talking with my girlfriend's siblings. And Ymir, every once in a while. The freckled woman didn't hold back on the drinking though, so she grew to be quite unbearable by the time the sun set.

Annie eventually had to take her girlfriend home, and more students began to filter out. Probably to attend other parties of their own. I helped clean up while Ronnie left with her family, to ensure they made it to their hotel safely. They had a flight in the morning, so I wouldn't have to worry about entertaining for another day.

Once Ronnie returned, she drove us both back to her apartment. We'd have to start packing everything up soon, and then she'd make the drive up to Portland.

I opened one last beer when we got there, then sank into her mattress like a deflating balloon. "Too much excitement for one day?" She asked lightly. I groaned in response.

"I love your family and all, but they're exhausting" I confessed.

"Oh I know" she replied with a chuckle, settling down next to me. She ran her fingers through my hair as I downed half my drink, unapologetically watching my lips as I lowered the bottle.

I succumbed to her unspoken request, kissing her a bit sloppily due to my tipsy state. "Congrats, sunshine" I muttered as we broke apart. "I'm proud of you for seeing this beast through."

She grinned. "It's thanks to you I beat that last boss. I was pretty surprised I got a B on that final exam."

"You have a good teacher" I responded with a smile of my own.

"I swear I'm never writing another damn essay again, though."

"Fair enough" I chuckled. "You deserve that freedom."

She then wrapped her arms around my waist, and we sleepily talked about my finals. I passed with flying colors, as to be expected. The process was just as tiring, yet predictable as the previous term's.

We fell even closer together as the minutes waned on, taking one of our last nights in the apartment slow. Evenings like these would be gone before we could blink.


	61. Stirring Up Dust

**AN: Hello, muffins. I've been struggling with a bout of writer's block, which is frustratingly hindering my summer writing plans. Hopefully I overcome it soon, because I'd really like to invest more time in this story.**

* * *

 _Chapter Sixty One- Stirring Up Dust_

* * *

I stacked old sketchbooks and anatomy guides into a cardboard box. The light filtering through the window made the dust somewhat sparkle. The particles hung heavy in the air as each possession was displaced.

"Can't you get your friends to do this?" I complained loudly, hearing Ronnie pause her own packing on the other side of the room.

"Friends?" Ronnie prompted jokingly, groaning as she picked up a particularly heavy box to carry out into the living space.

Ymir laughed dryly. "What does that make me then?"

She was cross-legged on the floor, lazily sifting through a pile of CD cases. She had a loose tank top on and thin, tight jeans. I appreciated the view of her toned biceps and tanner-than-usual skin tone from a distance. I stared at the low cut of her shirt for a moment too, then quickly whipped back around to focus on my own task.

"A rat I just can't seem to catch" I muttered.

"Oh thanks" Ymir chirped loudly, very much wanting me to know she'd heard the comment.

"Don't fight" Ronnie yelled from the hall. "I'm stressed enough already."

I rolled my eyes and flipped open the last sketchbook. It was fairly recent, considering there weren't layers of dust on the cover like the others.

It was full of illustrations of familiar people; students who frequented Levi's. There was the man himself, sat with a cigarette in hand. The smoke snaked into the air, and curved back around to strangle him like a noose. _Scenery is her specialty, my ass,_ I thought sarcastically. She was clearly good at capturing facial expressions and physical features. Well, more than just good, to be honest.

I skimmed through a few more pages, a lot of half-torn papers between actual pictures. Then I stopped and took some time to examine another one. Annie and Ymir, out on that wall by the house. Annie was watching Ymir with a soft expression, and the former didn't meet her gaze. Rather, she was focused on something behind them. An invisible distraction. It captured a moment in a way that words never could.

"You guys hungry? I'm thinking pizza" Ronnie proposed loudly from the doorway. I quickly shut the sketchbook as if I had been caught, and shoved it into the box with the others.

"Yeah" I replied, a little too hastily. Ymir arched a brow, then a half smile crept up her lips. She'd picked up on what I was doing. I frowned, and shook my head slightly at her. Finally, I looked away indignantly. The freckled woman scoffed.

* * *

Halfway through the meal, Ymir shot her hand up to garner the attention of our waitress. "I'd like to order a drink" she said sweetly as the employee approached. Ronnie quickly grabbed the other's wrist and forced her arm down.

"No, she doesn't" she stated pointedly. The waitress looked between them expectantly, seemingly undisturbed by their intense glaring session.

When it was apparent Ronnie wasn't going to let up, Ymir groaned and let out a dejected, "Fine." Her wrist was finally released, and she sat back grumpily. The employee simply walked away again.

"It's three in the afternoon" Ronnie sternly commented. Ymir was practically pouting by this point, arms crossed with a bent posture. "I should fire you."

"You're not even paying me" the other retorted. "I help you out of the kindness of my heart-" I couldn't resist releasing an amused snort, "-And you won't even let me relax a little."

"Shut it, Ymir" Ronnie fired back, sounding genuinely serious now. "We know what happens when you get one beer. It leads to two, then three. Then we're back at my apartment, and you're digging through my fridge. Suddenly, you're not sober enough to text your girlfriend back. I know you well enough to say that this is always a bad idea."

Ymir glanced away stubbornly. "And what would you have done if she tried to card you? Have me order instead, and slide the drink across the table inconspicuously?"

"They don't card here" she murmured, eyes distant.

"That's not the point. You're acting childish and irresponsible. When are you going to learn to-"

"Grow up?" She cut in harshly. She eased her shoulders back and shook her head with a bitter smirk. "Why don't you shut up, Ronnie?" She added, quieter. She finally looked back across the table. "Maybe if you stopped treating everyone else as inferior, you wouldn't have as many problems. It's not your job to look after everyone, to cheer us poor young queers up. So stop acting so high and mighty about it."

"Are you kidding me-"

"Guys" I interjected sharply, leaning in to fix both of them with a steady glare. "Feel free to do this when we get back, but don't make a fucking scene here."

I sat back with a harsh frown, eyeing both of the women with an unspoken warning. "Besides, this dispute isn't worth it. You'll be out of each other's lives by July" I added.

Ymir pushed her hair back and rolled her eyes. "Yeah right. She'll be back by September, just to push herself into everyone's business again" the sophomore grumbled.

"You can't blame me for being the only real adult around here" Ronnie said lightly.

"It's a college. No one's out here to gain some responsibility or whatever" Ymir stated, "They're just partying on their parents' dollar. I swear, it's all these fucking white straights."

Ronnie snorted. "God, straights."

Well, they weren't quite giggling like schoolgirl besties, but at least they were back to agreeing upon a common enemy. I eased up slightly, feeling a little more assured that neither of them were going to blow up in misplaced rage.

I listened to them slowly move back into regular conversation, waiting until we'd left to feel entirely relieved. Maybe the rest of our packing session wouldn't be too awkward, at least if I got lucky. I think the summer heat was starting to get to all of us.

* * *

 **AN: Leave a review if you feel inclined. I'm going on a trip next week, so I'll try to update again before then.**


	62. Transitions

_Chapter Sixty Two- Transitions_

* * *

Ymir and I helped load up Ronnie's car when the day arrived for her to leave. The yellow sun beat down on our backs from above, ushering in a wave of summer heat. It was early June, and the season was already showing no signs of mercy.

The Jeep's trunk and backseat were filled nearly to the brim with boxes. It took quite a bit of maneuvering to force it all to fit. When we were done though, a great relief erupted within me. The struggle was finally over, and for a moment, I considered how this was an official end to a chapter in my life.

I glanced up at Ronnie, unable to settle on one single emotion. She was ready to leave. All that was left was to bid our temporary goodbyes. It'd be just over a week before I saw her again, but things would be significantly different. _The context shifts after this,_ I realized. In fact, our relationship hadn't felt the same for quite a while now.

We were simmering out ever so slowly, preparing for that final departure. And in the minute before she got into the car, I felt the finality of it hitting me like a brick. I hugged her. That was it. No kissing or tears or proclamations of love. We'd already settled everything days earlier. The "us" I'd grown so accustomed to was, honestly, dead.

"Drive safe" I reminded. "And stick to the main roads. And call me when you get there" I continued to fret as we parted from our embrace. Ronnie nodded with an exasperated smile, having heard this hours ago. "I'll see you soon" I finished.

"Yeah" she agreed. "See you soon." Ronnie tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear, her touch gentle and passing. She backed away slowly, as if she couldn't think of anything else to say.

Ymir and I waved for a few moments as our friend drove away. There wasn't a sense of loss within me. Rather, I was calm. This was what I had expected. We were happy going in our separate directions. _This is good,_ I reminded myself for the last time. _We had a nice run. Now she gets to return to reality. And I… So do I._

"I'm guessing you want a ride home" Ymir eventually prompted.

"That'd be helpful" I replied lightly, walking farther away from the apartment complex. At least half of the residents had cleared out for the summer, and the parking lot was starkly empty.

I followed Ymir back to her car, and relaxed when she cranked the air conditioning up. I still felt grateful the air wasn't humid here. But damn, the sun could be harsh. "Oh wait, where am I taking you to?" She questioned, backing us out of the lot.

"The dorms" I answered simply. "I talked with a friend of a friend. I can hang around for the next week, as long I keep everything clean and all of my stuff is gone once I do leave. Most of it's in storage, anyway" I added.

"Huh. Some people actually find you charming" Ymir mused. I rolled my eyes and shrugged.

"It's amazing what you can do with a few smiles and offhand compliments" I confessed. "You could really learn a thing or two from me, bitch of the west" I joked.

She laughed dryly in response, speeding up as we hit the main road. "And where are you and Annie going to be this week? Hanging around town?" I questioned.

She shook her head. "Nah. We're going back home in a couple of days. We'll unpack and all that, then head north. I haven't seen the old man in a few months, so it'll be nice to spend a little down time with him" Ymir elaborated.

"The old man?" I asked. "Like, Annie's dad?"

She smiled halfheartedly. "Yeah."

I wanted to ask her how close they were, and how long she'd lived with him. But the words dried up in my throat upon impact. Ymir retained a tight hold on her past. If you asked the wrong thing, she'd clam up immediately. It was an intensely sore subject that I'd always had a terribly difficult time getting around.

"So are you back to being straight, now that you and Ronnie are done?" Ymir teased. The AC was loud, drowning out my mild snicker of amusement.

"Yeah, right. I'm trying to not be that dense. Obviously, I'm not the perfect heterosexual girl I once thought I was. Happy, Ymir?" Then I paused, licking my lips as I considered her question. "Wait, did Ronnie tell you we're breaking up? Because I sure as hell didn't."

"No" Ymir replied easily, glancing at the rearview mirror. "But it's not like it was hard to figure out. I mean, Ronnie hates long distance. She tried it with her high school girlfriend way back when. Clearly it didn't work out. I can't imagine why you'd be any exception. Plus, you two have just been weird lately. It's almost awkward watching you interact, like you're playing a character that's no longer… You, I guess."

I snorted and shook my head. "I should have known you'd pick up on it. Well, at least it saves me the explanation. I figured it'd be better if we kept it to ourselves during the beach trip. But who knows. Maybe it doesn't really matter anymore."

My companion hummed in agreement, nearing my block. "It's not like I care either way. Honestly, I'm surprised by how well you're taking the break-up."

"I've come to terms with it" I replied with a shrug, unbuckling as she slowed the car to a stop. "Shit happens. Life keeps moving. No use getting caught up in something I can't exactly help."

"Wow, I feel like you're really growing up" Ymir said with a giant grin.

"Shut up" I laughed, stepping out of the vehicle. I checked to make sure I had my phone before moving to shut the door. "I'll see you tomorrow, right?" I asked, a little softer.

The student raised an inquiring brow. "Of course. Wouldn't want you to get lonely."

I sighed dramatically, and shut the car door. It really was too hot outside.


	63. Cool

**AN: I'm somewhat back to writing. It's a gradual thing.**

* * *

 _Chapter Sixty Three- Cool_

* * *

 _Her small hands shook as she folded them between us. Knees bent together and head downcast. I gaped for too long, mouth dry despite the mid-spring humidity. Our awkward silence was punctured by excited shouts in the distance. A group of younger guys heading out to the track field._

 _She was young too. Probably a freshman, I realized, only able to stare at her clasped hands. I wished I could understand her nervous excitement, the pink flush in her cheeks, the sweet tone with which she spoke. Everything about her confession was foreign._

 _"_ _I'm not… Gay" I replied softly, struggling with the last word. It always left a weird taste. Not that I'd uttered it much. "Sorry" I added as an afterthought._

 _She shook her head, and reached a quivering hand up to wipe at her eyes, which were hidden from my view by her hair. Then she sniffled, and looked back up with a forced smile. "It's fine. I knew you wouldn't actually go out with me. It was worth a shot, though."_

 _I wasn't sure how to respond, so instead I asked the question that'd been nagging at me for the past minute. "Why me?" I questioned gently. It made little sense. I was a junior, so we didn't share a single class. I only dated men, and I rarely spoke to people at all._

 _"_ _I think you're cool" she responded lightly._

 _"_ _Cool?" I echoed._

 _"_ _You've been at the top of your class every year. And you're always so calm, levelled. I guess I admire you."_

 _"_ _If it's admiration, it doesn't exactly mean you like me_ that _way, right?" I suggested. "I could try being your friend."_

 _"_ _I know when I have a crush, Historia" she forced out. I'd upset her. I suppose I didn't understand. I'd never experienced romantic feelings for anyone. "Thanks for meeting me. I know you're busy" she finished quickly, as reality sunk back into her. Or maybe the realization was harsh, like the beating sunrays above us._

 _"_ _See you around" she concluded quieter, and turned on her heel to leave before I had the chance to reply._

"-Christa." Ymir's voice cut in, pulling me out of my daydream. She dropped the cup of ice cream onto the side-table beside me. "She's zoning out, isn't she?" She asked her girlfriend, who was pouring herself some water in the kitchen.

"Yeah. Been totally blank for ten minutes."

"I'm here. I'm back" I quickly interjected, blinking away the remainder of the memories.

"Where were you?" Ymir asked lightly. "Portland? New York? Italy?"

I smiled the slightest. "Georgia" I answered, then left it at that, focusing instead on the ice cream. _Vanilla,_ I noted. _Of course she remembered._

Ymir joined Annie and handed the latter her ice cream as well. Annie murmured something, and her girlfriend chuckled. I buried my spoon deeper into the melting sphere.

"This place looks wrong with all the pictures gone" I commented. "When does the furniture go into storage too?" I questioned, pulling their combined attention back to me.

"Tomorrow" Ymir answered. "As soon as the rest is out, we're heading back home."

"And the coast a few days after that" Annie added, examining the bare walls. "I've been meaning to ask, but how are you getting there? I heard you can't drive."

"You forget that she doesn't even have a car" Ymir stated.

"Levi actually offered to take me, surprisingly. He has room in his truck, since Eren isn't going. I guess that'd be too suspicious in the eyes of Mikasa. Anyway, I hope this isn't all some elaborate plan for him to murder me."

"Nah. He would've done it months ago if really wanted to" Ymir replied. She paused. "You fly out right after the trip?"

"Mhm. I'd rather not spend two whole months with my mom, so I'm thinking about coming back mid-August. I can probably rent housing early, if I talk to the right people."

"And wear a tight enough shirt" Ymir suggested. Annie elbowed her roughly. "Fuck, it was a joke, woman."

I snorted and rolled my eyes. She was right, though. Men were too easy to manipulate. If you bat your lashes at them just a few times, they'll ask outright how they can help. I found it quite pathetic.

I glanced up and watched Annie give the other a lecture about sexualizing women. She made sure to point out that "not everyone is a s perverted as you" and "not all men focus on appearances."

"Y'see, this is where your bisexuality causes a rift between us. I don't notice the good in guys."

"Exactly. That's what's wrong with you-"

"I'm pretty sure there are a lot of things wrong with me" she interjected.

Annie groaned and leaned against the countertop, unable to look at her girlfriend's unbearable grin. "Isn't that right, Christa?"

"Oh yeah, too many problems to count" I answered almost immediately. However, I was reluctant to laugh at Annie's frustration.

"I don't even know why I try" she muttered.

"Love you too" Ymir said, much more cheerily.

* * *

"Don't touch the AC. Don't touch the radio. Do _not_ spill any drinks or crumbs in here. In fact, you should only have water in my vehicle. And don't chew gum. I don't want to hear that. Also, the roads get curvy and steep further north. Don't puke in my car."

"Uh huh. Anything else?" I inquired sarcastically, throwing my bags behind the passenger seat of Levi's truck.

"Don't sass me" he replied. He reached up to wipe a smudge off the rearview mirror. "It better not be fucking foggy up there. And I swear, if my paint rusts from that salt water, I'm going to sue Leonhardt."

I nodded along incredulously, then climbed in. I wondered why he got such a tall vehicle, considering his unfortunate height. I didn't voice this question. Otherwise, he might have quite literally yanked me out of the seat.

"Oh, and stay buckled. You're not going to cost me a ticket." Cool. This would be a trip to remember.


	64. The F Word

_Chapter Sixty Four- The F Word_

* * *

It turns out Levi was more of a gossip than I'd thought. I didn't have a chance to grow bored over the many long hours. He rambled on for ages about Eren, Reiner, "the bitches who puke in my bathroom," and anyone else he felt like mentioning.

Apparently, he'd be satisfied if every republican dropped off the face of the earth. Also, he actually cared about things other than cigarettes and gay rights. Yes, I was surprised too. The thing he hates most about his smoking habit isn't the damage it does to his body. Rather, he's unsatisfied with all the chemicals he's burning and releasing into the environment. "I'm not a hippie or some bullshit, but we kind of need the earth so we can live our fucking miserable lives" he elaborated.

And yes, I did obey each of his rules. I only ate snacks outside the car at rest stops, and drank only from a water bottle. I spilled some water on my shirt one time, which earned me a look of warning. I was extra cautious after that.

We'd just crossed the state line into Oregon when he dove in further on his distaste for Mikasa. While Eren's sister knew nothing of him, Levi was fully aware of her. And he made sure to read each of the articles she wrote for the school paper.

"So according to this bitch, I run a machine that churns out young delinquents" he ranted, keeping one hand on the steering wheel while the other motioned wildly about. "Like, it's just my fucking house. People hang out in my fucking house. It's not my fault that half of them are crackheads. I mean, that kind of happens when you get a group of fags together. We're not exactly treated like humans by everyone else."

"Y-you used the f word" I commented cautiously. "Isn't that like, really bad?"

I never knew his frown could sink that deeply along his face. "You've got to be kidding me. You're dating a fag, and you're still white-girl-sensitive about it."

"I mean, it doesn't have the greatest connotations" I tried to explain. Levi merely rolled his eyes.

"Listen to me carefully, Christa" he said, leaning in for extra effect. " _Faggot faggot faggot_."

I physically flinched and scooted away. He looked like he wanted to cackle at my reaction, but opted to shake his head in disbelief instead. "Fucking God" he muttered, slowly lighting a new cigarette.

"Yeah, I guess I get it. I hate the word too. I mean, it was such a fond nickname for me in high school and all. But you've got to toughen up if you're going to stick with this whole lesbian thing." He took a very long drag, eyes focused on the road ahead. "Just… It's just a word, though. You say it enough, and it won't hurt you anymore."

"I don't know if I believe that."

"Say something over and over. Like, I don't know, _flower_ " he suggested irately. I did as he instructed, in my head, though.

"Doesn't make much sense after a while, right? Doesn't mean a damn thing. It's the same with 'fag.' It'll start to look like a jumble of random letters. It…" Levi paused, flicking the ashes of his cig out the window. "It becomes a meaningless sound. Because guess what?"

He finally turned to look at me briefly. His brow was arched, acting as if he was above this entire conversation. I could still detect the pain in his tight frown. I couldn't imagine what had gotten him to this point, where he had to dissect slurs just to keep moving. Where he had to smoke a pack a day just to smile every so often.

"Christa, you gotta remember this. Words only have meaning when you give them a reaction."

I nodded, making sure he knew I understood. Because it did make sense. It was such a simple explanation. It still hurt that we had to reason this way. We had to force ourselves to make something so hurtful into a mere sound.

If there was a time when it truly dawned on me that I was now part of a community, it was this moment. An afternoon sun, a whistling breeze, and an ache in my chest.

* * *

"How was the drive with Levi?" Ymir asked as she helped pull out my bags.

"I had no idea he could talk that much" I replied quietly, dropping the heaviest bag onto the driveway pavement. "And also, how is it possible that a gay man hates so many men?"

"Well, it's not like _I'm_ fond of very many people in general. Women included" she said with a laugh. She picked up the luggage I'd dropped, and tested its weight before slinging the strap over her shoulder.

"Fair enough."

It was a rather nice day. A little cold for June, but then again, I'd never been in Oregon before. There were rainclouds in the far distance, and there was a chance they'd pass by us rather than drift overhead.

The house in front of me was fairly large. Two stories, and a pool in the back. There was also a path to the beach behind. Ymir promised to take me for a walk down there once I'd settled my stuff into my room.

Once we got inside, Annie gave a brief rundown of the rules of the house, and where each person was staying. There were five bedrooms in total, but the master was absolutely off limits. This was her grandparents' house, of course. Of the remaining four, Ymir and Annie would share one, Ronnie and I in another, Jess and her friend in the third, and Levi and Reiner would have to fight over the fourth. The "loser" would have to sleep on one of the sofas.

Ronnie wouldn't arrive until the following day, so I had my room to myself for the time being. I carried my bags upstairs; two of the available rooms were up there, so it was only Ymir, Annie, Ronnie, and I who were allowed access to the second story.

I stretched my back and arms as soon as I dropped the luggage, then spared a glance out the window. I had a perfect view of the pool, and could barely glimpse the ocean beyond. We really were close to the beach.

"Ready to go?" Ymir asked from the doorway. I backed away from the window and nodded, then unzipped a bag to find my lightest sweatshirt.

"Yup" I replied lightly, allowing her to lead the way.


	65. Sand Dollars

**AN: Here's some concrete background on Ymir. I wrote this months ago, and it still felt like a kick in the gut to edit, lol. That's what happens when I get emotionally invested.**

* * *

 _Chapter Sixty Five- Sand Dollars_

* * *

"The town's only a couple miles north" Ymir said, pointing down the coastline. "Thankfully we're not near any tourist spots, so there's rarely anyone over on this stretch of sand. _And_ there are some sweet tide pools less than a mile away."

"Good to know" I replied cheerily, watching the small waves crash into sea foam. I'll admit, I prefer these beaches to the Florida ones I'd visit with my uncle. Even if the water is ridiculously cold.

Ymir took a swig from the beer she'd picked up on her way out of the house. "I've been to Miami. Once" I said suddenly, walking quicker than Ymir to keep up with her long strides. "It doesn't really hold a candle to this."

"Really?" She asked curiously. "I've lived in California my entire life, so I don't have many beaches to compare." She slowed down after noticing I couldn't quite keep up. "Why were you in Miami?"

"My uncle was going to take me to Disney World, then figured the beach would be cheaper. So we just kept driving."

"Was it like a spring break trip?"

"Nope" I replied simply. "He took me out of school on a Wednesday. Gave the excuse that my mom was having surgery, or some bullshit. I took my homework with me and did it in the car."

Ymir chuckled. "Well, my childhood trips weren't quite as spontaneous and fun."

"Oh? You don't talk about your childhood much. Feeling tipsy?" I questioned lightheartedly, hoping she wouldn't snap back into her shell.

"Mhm. Must be the alcohol" she muttered, briefly glancing at the bottle in her hand. Then she shrugged, as if brushing the grim tone off. "Anyway, most of my vacations were at the beach. Your uncle's right; it's cheap" she explained.

"My mom and I would pack up for the day. Just us, and the dog if she was in a good enough mood." She smiled a little, then looked down at the line of broken seashells stretching out mere feet away. We stopped walking. "We'd collect shells."

She reached down, and set the nearly empty bottle in the sand. Then she picked up half a sand dollar. "These in particular." She flipped it over and ran her thumb along the blunted end where it'd been completely cracked off. "We'd collect the little pieces over the course of the day, and on the way home I'd try to match all the broken parts together. They never fit quite right, obviously." Her voice had grown quieter.

"Why didn't you just look for whole ones?" I asked, maintaining a gentle tone.

"I… I liked putting them back together. I guess I enjoyed trying to make them whole again?" She frowned. "Besides, perfect sand dollars are boring. There's nothing wrong with a crack or two."

 _Oh_ , I thought, as I watched her face fold into a bittersweet expression. _This is new_. There was a jittery feeling in my chest, combined with an odd tight sensation in my heart. It was as if someone had reached in and squeezed it, just the slightest. If I closed my eyes, I could probably imagine it was Ymir who had slipped her hand between my ribs, and wrapped her fingers around my thundering heart. It _hurt_.

"You talked about your mom without shutting me out" I noted softly. "Why is it so hard for you?" I didn't want to upset her. I genuinely wanted to understand.

She focused on the seashell in her hand, flipping it over multiple times to rub its smooth corners. "I-" She stopped. The words must have died in her throat.

I sighed, and picked up another piece of a sand dollar. I reach out hesitantly, then tried to match it up with Ymir's. It wasn't even close to fitting. I laughed. "You're probably better at this matching game than I am."

I began to pull away after her lack of a response. The silence was gnawing at me. Then Ymir grabbed my wrist to keep me close. She licked her lips, preparing to speak again. _Take your time,_ I thought. _I won't just leave you._

"I haven't talked to my mom in over four years." I nodded reassuringly, then pulled the shell out of her grasp. She let me drop both pieces. I held her now vacant hand between both of mine. "I was fifteen when she kicked me out."

"And that's when you moved in with Annie" I concluded.

"Yeah" she confirmed simply.

"Ymir, why would your mother do that to you?" I asked. My voice was nearly a whisper. Luckily the waves weren't loud enough to drown out my words.

She stared at our intertwined hands, lost in memories of the past. She bit her lip hesitantly, always terrified of being too open. Of showing anyone her most vulnerable parts.

"I was dating my first real girlfriend. A-and her mom told mine. It wasn't done with bad intentions. I actually think the woman was trying to be friendly. But… m-my mom didn't know about-" She paused. "About _me_."

Tears welled up in my eyes at the slight tremor in her voice. Ymir, who was usually so strong and defiant, looked like a child for the first time. There was a devastating sadness in her expression. I had to swallow the rising lump in my throat.

"When I came home from school one day, the house was dark. I don't remember if all the blinds were closed, or if my brain just altered the memory. We do that, you know. We rewrite scenarios within our own heads. Everyone remembers events differently."

"Yeah" I mumbled. "Sometimes I remember myself suffocating on humidity. It only happened when my father was around."

Ymir nodded slowly. "Whenever I think back on that day, the house seems smaller. It shrinks more every time. I think at some point, the walls will crush me."

"I don't think you can die in your own daydream" I replied.

"I wish I could" she huffed out. I think it was an attempt at a laugh. Then Ymir shook her head. "Anyway, I found her in the living room, just staring at the TV. It wasn't even on. The blank look in her eyes was terrifying.

"She asked me if it was true. Probably hoping I'd deny it, and the entire conversation could be over. But I was done lying. I'd known about my sexuality for years at that point. It was getting hard to hide. So I told the truth."

"And she just kicked you out?" I inquired in disbelief.

"Not quite. She said I had two choices. I could either _get better_ , or leave. She didn't care where. Either way, she wasn't raising a damn _lesbian._ " Her voice cracked at the end. I gripped her hand harder.

"Ymir" I said in a strained voice. "I am so sorry. No one should ever have to experience that."

"Well, at least I figured out who really cares. I told Annie I'd only stay with her temporarily, then be out as soon as possible. But her dad insisted I stay at least until graduation. Two fucking years. He promised to give me a home for two entire years. And even now, he's keeping me in college."

A large wave crashed against the water's surface. The roar of its impact was harsh and loud. "I owe them everything" she muttered, finally glancing back out at the water.

I exhaled shakily, then released her from my grip. Ymir was not mine to keep.


	66. There's No Fair in Teamwork

**AN: Here's something lighthearted after all that angst.**

* * *

 _Chapter Sixty Six- There's No "Fair" in Teamwork_

* * *

I woke to find someone else in my guest room, poking my cheek. "Glad to see you still drool" a cheery voice commented. I groaned and swatted Ronnie's hand away.

"I will bite that finger clean off" I warned grumpily. She laughed airily, yet retracted her hand.

"I'm just trying to wake you, considering you're the last one up. We're going to have lunch soon, then a volleyball tournament after. Jess, the other girl, and Reiner are already here."

I groaned into the pillow. "I didn't realize there was an agenda."

"There's always an agenda when you're with the gays" she replied brightly.

I reluctantly opened my eyes, and nearly hissed at the intruding sunlight. It must've been nearing noon. Then I noticed Ronnie's hair, particularly the dyed half. "Your hair's purple!" I exclaimed, suddenly much more awake.

"Yeah?" She chuckled. "Why's that so exciting?"

I merely shook my head and smiled. "No reason. It looks good."

"Alright" she responded curiously, slipping off her light jacket to hang on a hook by the door. She straightened out her shirt and stretched. "So I heard you Ymir got caught in the rain yesterday afternoon."

I sat up in bed and yawned. The room was chilly in the morning. "Yeah. We were out looking at seashells, and didn't really notice the storm clouds creeping through."

"Oh!" I suddenly said as the previous day flooded back into my memory. "Ymir finally opened up to me."

"Congrats" Ronnie replied, sounding somewhat impressed.

"God, her mom's a fucking terrible person. But anyways, I feel like Ymir kind of trusts me now? We really had a bonding moment."

"And now you're one step closer to dating her" Ronnie added in a feigned voice of delight. "Oh wait, she has a girlfriend."

"Don't be mean" I sighed. I considered throwing a pillow at her.

"Not mean, dear. _Realistic_ " she corrected.

"Okay, fine. Whatever. But I should be allowed to be happy about this. She's still my friend, even if my feelings never will be reciprocated."

"True" Ronnie piped up, glancing at the time on her phone. "At least you've got the magic of friendship."

* * *

"Now the nets are a little fragile, so please avoid running into them" Annie explained. She'd been informing us of the rules for beach volleyball for the past fifteen minutes, and everyone was growing tired of listening to each intricate detail. "Any questions?" She concluded.

I raised my hand. "What, Christa?"

"Um, why volleyball?" I asked. Levi answered before anyone else had the opportunity.

"Because we played soccer last year, and those two-" he pointed at Ymir and Annie "-Annihilated everyone. We will not make that mistake again."

"Fair enough" I replied.

"And while we're on the topic of the only two athletes here-"

"Excuse you" Reiner interjected.

Levi rolled his eyes. "Shut up, pretty boy. Let me talk." The former huffed, but quickly closed his mouth.

" _As I was saying_ , these two are going to destroy us if they team up. So I suggest they split."

"But then they're going to scream at each other in competitive rage all day" Jess complained, cocking a hip in irritation.

" _Yes_ , but what's worse? Embarrassing defeat, or unnecessary noise?"

"Defeat, I guess" she grumbled.

"That's what I thought. Now, teams need to be somewhat fair, and I am the ultimate judge of fairness." Ymir snorted in amusement. "You can shut up too" he said pointedly.

"Heights vary drastically, so this might be a bit difficult but I'll try" Levi continued. Then he paused and lifted his sunglasses to quint at Jess's friend. "Who the fuck is this?"

The bleached blonde waved shyly, clad in a fairly revealing bikini. "Um, hi. I'm Brittany." Ymir chuckled from behind her hand. She was quite obviously failing at concealing her laughter.

"You got something to say?" Jess snapped.

Ymir nodded, breathing deeply to calm herself down. "I totally fucked a Brittany. They really do all look the same." Now even Annie was laughing a bit.

"Holy shit, you're right" she wheezed, leaning on the other to catch her breath.

"Are you two high?" Jess asked incredulously. Ymir shook her head while biting back a grin.

"Nope. Just pumped to take all of you down."

"You might want to reconsider that" Levi cut in. "Christa's on your team." Ymir stopped laughing.

"No. No fucking way." She quickly approached me, then held up my hand. "Look at her short fingers! She's just short in general! This is completely unfair" Then she glanced back over. "Sorry, Christa" she added as an afterthought. I shrugged. I was fully aware of my lack of athletic prowess.

"It is fair, because you'd probably win with anyone else. Moving on" Levi announced, scanning the semicircle for another pair. "Annie and Reiner." The former frowned and looked her new partner up and down.

"Oh, come on" Ymir complained.

"He may be strong, but he's slow. And Annie's short. It works" Levi explained. "Ronnie, I'll set you up with Brittany. You're the tallest, have some level of experience, and I don't think that girl can lift more than fifteen pounds."

I watched my girlfriend absolutely light up. "Don't look too excited" I commented with an arched brow.

"And why do I have to be with you? We hate each other" Jess loudly pointed out.

"Exactly. This is a bonding exercise" Levi said dully. "Plus, you're the only one who cares as little as I do."

"Okay, that makes more sense."

"Great. Everyone satisfied? Don't answer. Let's just hurry up and do this so I can lounge in the pool the rest of the day. Figure out your team names, and we'll start the first match."

I turned to Ymir with an amused expression. "Looks like I'm the anchor weighing you down."

"Just listen to my directions, and we'll be fine" she instructed, donning her game face. "I'm not losing to these bitches."

"Perfect. We'll call ourselves the Winning Bitches, then" I said, holding up my palm for a high five. She nodded. Finally something we could agree on: defeat was not an option.


	67. Volleyball!

**AN: I wrote six chapters over the weekend, which is unusual for me, so I think that warrants more frequent uploads. Let's see how long I keep up with it.**

* * *

 _Chapter Sixty Seven- Volleyball!_

* * *

The match between Annie and Levi, because they were clearly in charge, was very quick. Reiner was indeed slow, but his serves landed in the sand each time. Honestly though, Levi and Jess weren't putting much effort into their actions. They lacked proper communication, and shrugged when the ball seemed too far away. They were doomed to lose from the beginning.

By the time Ymir and I stepped up to the net, she'd taught me at least some basic skills, such as how to properly position my hands. "Just try to bump it up" she instructed, "And I can take care of it from there." Easy enough, right? Well, I suppose it would have been if I wasn't faced with the might of Ronnie.

She spiked balls into the sand before I had time to react. I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised by her agility, but then again, I'd never witnessed her in an athletic setting before. She used her height for every conceivable advantage. Despite Ronnie's strength and extra few inches, however, Ymir was quicker.

On the occasion that I did manage to get a ball up, my partner would run any length to send it over the net. She was more determined in this endeavor than I'd ever witnessed before. I almost felt useless between the two. While they battled it out under the rising sun, Brittany and I only tried to help when it was possible.

Ymir and I feel into a pattern, though. We established boundaries in the makeshift court, acknowledging where and when I went for the ball. That was how we ended up with our slight advantage toward the end: an unexpected synchrony. Maybe we'd been dancing around each other verbally enough all these months, that it suddenly applied to us physically as well.

"Fuck" Ronnie said simply, sitting down in the warm sand. We'd just made the winning point, and our opponent finally let her exhaustion show. "I don't think that was very fair."

"Totally fair" Ymir replied easily, holding her hand up to for me to hit it. "You just got schooled by the Winning Bitches."

"You should've gone with something more intimidating" Ronnie laughed, laying back with a sigh. "Nice teamwork, though. I hadn't seen that coming."

"Neither had we" I stated, then readjusted my ponytail.

"Well, good luck beating Ann. My bet is on her and Reiner. Your girlfriend's a fucking beast, Ymir."

"Is that just from observation?" I questioned lightly.

Ymir shrugged. "You're right, Ronnie. But that's exactly why I have to destroy her." She took that opportunity to turn toward the other blonde, donning a wide grin. "You hear that, babe? I'm gonna fucking crush you!"

She was laying out a few yards away, and had to sit up to retort. "Yeah, I'm going to love watching you try. Might want to give yourself a reality check with that anchor on your leg, though." _Ah, right, I'm the anchor,_ I remembered.

"I don't know, she was pretty buoyant during this last match." I tried to resist smiling at her slight compliment. My efforts were futile.

"Beginner's luck. Don't get cocky" Annie said, getting up to walk back to the net.

She chuckled a moment later, the relaxed joy in her expression a rare sight. She grabbed Ymir's arm to pull her close, conversing privately for a matter of seconds. I thought, briefly, that their banter displayed their close friendship. It was platonic and easy. But this intimacy served as a reminder of the reality of their relationship. Playful punches turned into gentle caresses; harsh laughs into whispers.

I retreated to a water bottle I'd left among the group's other belongings. Ronnie was already over there, sitting back on the small sand hill. She handed over the bottle before I had to ask, and I took a long drink.

"I was pretty impressed. I thought you failed PE in high school" Ronnie teased.

I rolled my eyes good-naturedly. "It was my lowest grade. I didn't fail it."

"What was the grade, Christa?" She followed up conspiratorially.

"A ninety-one" I muttered, a heavy blush dusting my cheeks. Maybe the skin was already pink enough from the sun to hide it.

"Oh my God" Ronnie groaned, followed by a laugh. "You're such an overachiever."

"I had nothing better to do" I protested, although that probably wasn't the best admission.

"Christa!" Ymir shouted, urgently waving me over. I sighed and capped the bottle, handing it back down to Ronnie.

"Time to get my ass kicked by two actual athletes."

"Have fun" Ronnie nearly sang as I sulked off.

Annie stretched out again, intending to approach us fully prepared. She did not take losses lightly. While Ymir swore she could take down Annie's Team, I had some doubts regarding my own capabilities. And yes, that was what they decided to call themselves. They weren't the most creative individuals.

When we started the first set, our opponents came on strong. They clearly had the upper hand due to their excess energy. Levi had been right about Reiner, however. He was too slow to hit the ball if it wasn't in his direct vicinity, and they suffered greatly due to that. Ymir and I figured out soon enough how to target their weak link.

When we managed to survive Annie's powerful serves, we directed the ball behind Reiner. Although Annie made it over on some occasions, most often the sand deterred her. It was extra difficult dashing across the unstable surface. The Winning Bitches surprisingly caught up.

"You're smarter than I'd expected, Christa. I'll give you that" Annie huffed. "But you're not all that agile either."

"At least I can move at a reasonable rate" I countered. The blonde snorted in amusement, then stepped back to take her serve.

The game overall was surprisingly even-matched. I guess our tactics levelled out with Annie and Reiner's physical strengths. Finally, after a long and laborious struggle, Ymir and I pulled ahead.

We ended victorious, and just about everyone was shocked by the turn of events. Ymir immediately picked me up in a burst of excitement. She yelled a triumphant "Ha!" at her girlfriend, swinging me around as I laughed hoarsely. We weren't even halfway through the afternoon, and I was already exhausted. It felt good to be of use to my teammate.

Even after I'd been set down, Ymir held me close. She seemed to have forgotten about me altogether, bragging at her girlfriend. When I glanced over at Ronnie, she raised a suggestive brow, and my body temperature seemed to double. Thoroughly embarrassed, I pried Ymir's arm off my shoulder and retreated back to my belongings. This crush of mine was getting to be unbearable.


	68. Breathe Easy

**AN: I'm just emotional, guys.**

* * *

 _Chapter Sixty Eight- Breathe Easy_

* * *

The next string of days was spent exploring the town. Ronnie and I probably ducked into every local gift shop. We never really bought anything, but enjoyed looking at the little trinkets together. Although the coastal town was quite small, it was a bit touristy. The buildings were old and the line of stores was free of food chains. It all had a pleasantly quaint feeling to it.

I think my girlfriend liked the candy stores the most. She bought taffy in bulk, and offered to get me ice cream at any opportunity. I couldn't handle that much sugar, and had to decline her on most occasions, but her persistence itself warmed my heart. I really was going to miss her after this was over. It felt like I'd be losing the sun before summer truly began.

We usually ate meals wherever Annie and Ymir recommended, considering they'd spent many summers in the area already. We actually spent a lot of time with them in general. Levi and Reiner hung out by the pool for the most part, while Jess and her friend seemed to disappear at any opportunity.

The other couple were good company though, despite their constant bickering. _Like they've been married for years,_ I thought briefly. That concept shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did. But I suppressed my discomfort as much as any other negativity I felt.

I remember one day, however, that I couldn't stop my reflections. We were all on the beach. Ronnie and Jess were attempting to put together a kite. Ymir claimed it couldn't be that difficult, and snagged the instructions to attempt to do it herself.

I rested on a towel with a book, but the story between my hands couldn't manage to distract me from my drifting thoughts. Being surrounded by solely queer people these past few days had been an interesting experience, to say the least. Everyone had been very open, and talked freely about what set them apart from the "normal" world. I suppose I'd been part of the conversation in snippets over the past few months at Levi's parties. But this wasn't quite the same.

I was fully immersed in their easy atmosphere. There weren't any biases constantly being thrown my way. It was all acceptance, something I'd never dreamed of before this year. In a manner of speaking, it terrified me. I didn't want to face my most vulnerable thoughts, or truly dissect the inner changes I'd been experiencing. Or the fact that the only thing that had changed recently was my outward expression.

I didn't enjoy dating in high school, and I hadn't thought much of it for a long while. But now that I had very strong feelings for two women, and had dated one, I couldn't help noting the drastic differences. I actually felt… Attracted to Ronnie and Ymir. Honestly, I hadn't understood that attraction should be part of a relationship before all this.

I was raised to put priority on expectations. I was expected to marry a man and reproduce. That was the path that everyone agreed on. I still can't recall a single time an adult mentioned my happiness in terms of the future. I had to pursue normalcy. Now, despite every ideal drilled into me from birth, my mindset was finally shifting.

I couldn't relate to love songs before Ronnie. I couldn't understand the desire to give your all for one person before Ymir. But in such a short time, what felt like a flash of lightning, they brought the world back into focus. Ymir gave me color vision, and Ronnie taught me how to use it. And God, I was so scared I'd someday be forced back into black and white.

"Christa" an excited voice shook me from my mind. Ymir was grinning down at me, pointing out toward Ronnie and Jess. "We did it. The kite's airborne" she narrated, and I watched the rainbow object glide through the breeze.

"Nice job" I replied breathlessly, sitting up.

Ymir's hair fell in front of her eyes, and she subconsciously reached up to push a hand through the thin strands. Her lips were still stretched into a smile, eyes squinting against the mid-afternoon sun. She'd gotten tanner as the week went by. Her swim suit bared all that freckled skin, and lean muscle too. I wanted to tell her how beautiful she looked, how genuinely happy her elation made me feel. Her grin was contagious.

As a particularly strong wind blew through, I exhaled heavily. Then I reached up to pull her down. "What's up?" She asked curiously, letting me pull her beside me. Even after she was seated on the edge of the towel, I placed my hand on hers. "Ymir" I breathed, "I think I'm gay."

Her eyes widened a fraction, and she moved her hand away, only to grasp mine more firmly. "And you're happy about this?" She asked cautiously.

I released a laugh, tears pricking the corners of my eyes. I nodded vigorously, then swiped at the gathering moisture with my free palm. "Yeah, I am" I gasped.

She took me by surprise by pulling me into a tight a hug. I gladly wrapped my arms around her shoulders, burying my face within the crook of her neck. She smelled like sunscreen. It wasn't unpleasant.

I continued giggling, and we collapsed backwards, still connected in a firm embrace. I tried to steady my laughing with even breaths, grasping onto Ymir like my life depended on it. "I'd been missing this puzzle piece for so long" I attempted to explain against her skin. "But now it's just falling into place. The answer was so simple, but I kept brushing it off. I'm done denying it."

She rubbed gentle circles along my bare back quietly, allowing me to vent. "I almost feel whole again" I whispered.

"That's amazing, Christa" she replied. No judgement, no input of opinions. Just genuine joy and acceptance.

"Yeah" I choked out. "It really is."


	69. Speak

_Chapter Sixty Nine- Speak_

* * *

"Did you and Ymir have a little heart-to-heart?" Ronnie asked slyly later that afternoon. We were getting changed to go out to dinner. We'd just exited the shower when she decided to bring the topic up.

"Sort of" I replied lightly, pulling on my bra. "It was a small talk. I guess she was feeling affectionate" I lied slightly. Ymir had agreed not to mention my confession to anyone else. I wasn't quite ready to come out to rest of the group, at least until I had my thoughts and feelings more in order. I wanted to be capable of phrasing it right.

"Alright. You're lucky I don't mind vague answers, or I'd be poking you all night."

I rolled my eyes, and began braiding my hair now that I was somewhat dressed. "Ah, yes. Lucky me" I replied. Ronnie kissed my cheek a moment later, and I eased up a little. At least she'd know soon enough.

* * *

When we left the house, Annie was complaining that Ymir needed to get her hair cut. The latter had her hair combed back; it barely reached her shoulders. "When we get home" she retorted, swiping her girlfriend's hands away. Annie had been running her fingers through the strands as she spoke.

"God, guys. When's the wedding?" Jess asked dully, twirling a strand of freshly dyed blue hair around her finger.

Ymir laughed awkwardly, but restrained from answering. I seemed to be the only person who noticed Annie's momentary frown. Her usual neutral mask returned within the span of a second, and she merely shrugged in response. The topic was dropped altogether.

Our walk to the restaurant was filled with idle chatter and childish shenanigans. I didn't have much of a childhood, so I wondered if this is what it felt like to have a real social life. I held Ronnie's hand while she loudly conversed with Ymir. Annie and Levi were talking about something else entirely a few feet in front of us, both of their noses scrunched in distaste. Ever further ahead, Jess was pestering Reiner to give her a piggy-back ride.

I leaned into Ronnie, and sighed. This felt too nice to be real.

Ymir gave me suggestive looks throughout dinner from across the table. I think she was merely basking in the notion that I told her about my sexuality before anyone else. She'd take pride in whatever was presented. _Or maybe,_ I also mused, _she's just in a really good mood._

None of us had any alcohol that evening, as the restaurant actually carded, unlike anywhere near our campus. Well, Levi ordered a couple beers, but only to spite the rest of us.

We were all pretty giggly nonetheless by the time we stepped back out into the summer air. The sun had set about a half hour ago, leaving the sleepy town in a blue glow.

Levi dragged Reiner away to check out a separate bar. Something about "showing the kid some flirting tips." The latter appeared fairly hesitant about the matter, but realized fighting back was a futile effort. I only hoped they made it back to the house at a reasonable hour.

The rest of us traversed our usual route back, staying closer together now that the sun had set. I caught onto the pack mentality quickly, understanding exactly why we had to stick together. It wasn't just because we were a group of women. And unfortunately, we experienced an example of it only ten minutes later.

A couple walked past us down a less occupied street. The man took one look at Ronnie's and my interlocked hands before scoffing to his companion. "If I'd known there were going to be a bunch of fags down here-"

My brain seemed to work a mile a minute in the brief moment that followed. My first thought was, _I wish Levi was around to stand up for us._ And my second was, _Why does it have to be Levi?_

I turned on my heel and snapped, "What?" My friends stopped immediately. I guess they'd learned to tune out the homophobia by now, but I was livid. "You'd _what_ if you'd known?"

The man stopped and faced me, surprised I knew how to speak. Turns out I wasn't an object to spit at after all. But he gathered himself quickly, the corner of his mouth twisting up with an overly cocky smile. A conflict-seeker, I noted.

"Kept my girl the fuck away. I hear you people are contagious." His "girl" appeared rather uneasy, probably seeing this side of her date for the first time. She took a step back, but he remained planted to the pavement.

"Do you actually know what faggot means?" I asked suddenly, calmly. He was silent, harsh expression going rigid. "It's a bundle of sticks used for burning." I took a steady breath, remembering what Levi had so carefully explained to me. _It's just a word._ So I dissected it, and ripped away at its meaning before it could hurt me.

"If I'm a fag, wouldn't you agree I serve a purpose? At the very least, I'm not a complete waste of oxygen, unlike-" I took a moment to very deliberately look him up and down, morphing my features into an unimpressed expression. "Well, you."

And then he took a very deliberate step toward me, his own face contorted in a rage more prominent than mine. Ronnie's hand darted out to yank me back into our group, and Ymir stepped out to shield me. "If you lay a fucking hand on her, I swear we will rip you apart" Ymir informed in a menacingly low tone. Annie stood next to her, keeping a steady narrowed gaze on the man across from us.

He seemed to size both women up, then Ronnie behind them, and decided it wasn't a fight he could win. So he scoffed and spit into the road, a vain attempt at upholding some semblance of his masculinity, then stalked off like a wounded animal. His date hesitated in following, muttering a brief apology before walking away too.

"Sorry" I said immediately, only now realizing how dangerous that could have been. I didn't even search for signs of a weapon before speaking. I was expecting at least Annie to be frustrated, but instead I was met with proud grins all around.

"What the hell was that, Christa?" Ymir exclaimed jovially, her voice now absent of the previous venom.

I released a laugh as Ronnie pulled me into a hug, and Ymir placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Who knew the little one had a voice" Jess commented.

"I have never felt that angry in my life" I admitted. "I probably should've warned you guys first, but I shocked myself."

"You're fine" Annie reassured. "But yeah, a heads up would be great next time."

When Ronnie finally released me from her embrace, Ymir pulled me into one of her own. "I really am proud of you" she whispered privately, and I blushed. She pulled away just as swiftly, beginning to lead us back to the house.

My body shivered despite the warm temperature. I was too distracted by my own excitement, caught in a daze as Ronnie guided my path. I couldn't shake off the remaining adrenaline for hours, nor the residual feeling of Ymir's breath against my ear.


	70. Cliff's Edge

**AN: I'm leaving for college this week, and I'll be moving in this weekend. Therefore, expect some transitional time before I return to this. I don't know how quickly I'll adjust to living alone, but I'm pretty independent. I think I'll be fine?**

* * *

 _Chapter Seventy- Cliff's Edge_

* * *

You know that feeling when you glance over a railing at the ground way too far below you? When your stomach drops and you suddenly feel very unstable? I once heard that people are only afraid of heights because they don't trust themselves to not leap off the ledge. As my knees weakened and my head felt the slightest bit dizzy, I very well understood how plausible that idea could be.

I took a step back from the edge of the cliff, but the roaring of waves in my ears did not subside. "I'm having second thoughts, Ymir. Maybe I should just go back down?" I suggested nervously. The other woman watched me back further away with an arched brow.

Her creeping grin was a little too dazzling in the summer sun. "It's not dangerous" she reasoned, "The water's calm in this area. You won't get thrown against the rocks."

"The waves sound pretty big" I said uneasily.

Ymir rolled her eyes and glanced down at our friends, waiting on the beach below. "I've done this dozens of times. It's not going to kill you. Just a small adrenaline rush. And yeah, it's cold when you hit the water, but that's the worst of it."

"Why do you guys even do this?" I asked, stalling for more time. I sat down on a sparse patch of grass, staying away from any steep edge.

"The same reason people do anything. It's entertaining" she shrugged, walking over to settle beside me. Ymir had agreed to stay back while everyone else jumped. I was way too nervous to do it alone, and the rest got impatient and simply went on ahead of us. They were probably curious as to what was keeping us so long.

"Sure. For five seconds at a time" I grumbled.

Ymir looked around, considering another way to convince me. "It's a long walk back down. Probably less safe than just jumping" she suggested.

I sighed and leaned into my propped knees. "I appreciate your efforts, but I think I might be burnt out on courage for a while."

"Fair enough" she replied, casually bumping her shoulder with mine. "I guess I get it. I didn't want to take the leap the first time Annie dragged me up here. I had a hard time believing this could be all that fun" she explained, then sunk back against the grass.

"How old were you?" I inquired.

"Uh, seventeen. It was kind of a cloudy day. The air was colder. Probably not a good time to go swimming. But Annie hopped right off the ledge. She's been doing this since she was a kid. She and her dad have competitions to see who can make the biggest splash. He always wins, obviously."

Ymir began picking at a weed, glancing up at the drifting clouds every so often. "It was funny, because I stood at the edge just staring over it like you were. I got this sudden urge like, it wouldn't be so bad if something did go wrong. Maybe I'd hit a rock and it'd be lights out, finally.

"Then Annie came up behind me and shoved me off. God, she was such a brat. But I'm kind of thankful. As soon as my stomach dropped with the momentum I thought, _'Huh, I really don't wanna die.'_ And then I hit the bottom and it was so fucking cold. But it cleared my head."

I resisted the urge to push the fringe off her forehead, instead opting to tangle my fingers through a tall patch of grass. "So this helps you figure out what you really want?" I assumed, slightly touched by her continued honesty. I hadn't expected Ymir to open up as soon as we were away from campus.

"I think it's the adrenaline that does it. I'll have to go sky-diving sometime, then maybe I'll have an epiphany of sorts" she responded with a laugh.

I hid my smile behind a free hand, adoration blooming in my chest. _There's that feeling again,_ I thought, _Like my heart's on fire. But it's also oddly comforting. Even my fingers tingle._

"Alright, Annie's going to come up here and push us both off if you don't make a decision" Ymir stated lightly, sitting back up. "You can go back down, or you can try being brave again. It's okay if you're still not comfortable-"

"I'll do it" I said suddenly. "But I want to jump _with_ you."

"Sure" she replied with a growing grin. Ymir stood up, then held out a hand to help me to my feet. I staggered a little on the ascent, and she pulled me in closer to steady me. I grasped her hand tighter, hoping she wouldn't pay attention to my flaring blush.

We walked back over to the ledge together, and my knees weakened again at the sight of white-capped waves just below. Ymir still held my hand firmly, and I realized there was more than one factor contributing to my rapid heartrate.

I felt my throat clench, as if I desperately needed to tell her something, but didn't have the words. It was right there on my tongue, the name for that mysterious feeling. I'd experienced it before, I thought. But to a much less intense degree. Previously it had been warm and inviting, but now it festered and burned like a living flame. It was eating me whole, and I can't say the notion bothered me in the least.

"Ready?" Ymir asked. I nodded, and we took a unified step back. Then two forward. _Ymir,_ I thought then, as the word hit me. We jumped, and I felt as if my organs might just fall out as soon as we were airborne. It must've only lasted two seconds at the most. The moment we hit the frigid ocean beneath, I finally admitted the truth I'd been repressing for months.

 _I'm in love with you._

There was a subtle ringing in my ears as I sunk below the surface. The waves were white noise compared to the high pitch in my head. I was dazed, I think. In some state of shock. I forgot, for a second, that I needed oxygen. I only returned to reality once Ymir had dragged me back up by my waist.

"You trying to drown, Christa?" She asked with a laugh. I rubbed the saltwater away from my eyes, inhaling deep and shaky breaths to calm my body.

"N-no. A little frozen, I guess" I responded, treading water to stay afloat.

She started swimming to the shore, and I followed, moving on autopilot. My brain was submerged in a fog, attempting to sort through my realizations, but coming up short of order.

I slowed a bit as we reached depths shallow enough to walk. The sun seemed so much brighter over here, or maybe it was just Ronnie's brilliant grin. "I'd give that team dive an eight" she announced, hair still dripping with seawater.

"Really? It was a bit clumsy. I'd give it a five" Annie commented, handing up a towel to Ymir as we approached.

"You're always a critic" my companion shot back, sitting in the warm sand. I rested beside Ronnie, stealing her towel to sit on.

"You look spooked. See a shark?" My girlfriend whispered.

I shook my head, still dazed. "No. Something worse." I glanced up at her confused expression, then laughed off my own answer. "I'm fine" I corrected, leaning against her. "I feel a little different now, is all."

"Don't worry, the high will wear off" Annie interjected. I smiled politely, and my eyes met Ymir's. _I'm not so sure in this case._

* * *

 **AN: This is a pretty good point to cut off at. See you again soon, hopefully.**


	71. Water and Fire

**AN: I'm on campus! I'm moved in! I don't feel as anxious or alone as I thought I would. Well, not yet. But at least I get to return to this sooner than anticipated.**

* * *

 _Chapter Seventy One- Water and Fire_

* * *

The day before we left the coast was spent in the pool, for the most part. I lounged a while out in the sun, attempting to tan rather than burn. We all understood how futile my efforts were, and Ronnie didn't restrain a laugh when I told her my goal.

Ymir and Annie, competitive as always, battled over who could make the biggest splash when jumping in. The endeavor was childish enough for Ronnie go along with it too. Of course, they continually soaked everyone else in the process. It wasn't long before I gave up on my attempts to stay dry, and simply hopped into the pool as well.

Levi complained for at least an hour after, claiming they'd woken him from his nap, which he'd been enjoying from atop an inner tube. I couldn't comprehend how anyone could fall asleep surrounded by water, especially considering the blazing sun overhead.

"You look extra cute today" Ronnie said, wading over to my spot by the wall.

"Well aren't you a smooth-talker" I replied with a lazy smile.

"God, they're flirting again" Ymir grumbled from a few feet away.

"It'll be over soon enough" her girlfriend reassured, hefting herself out of the pool to get a drink.

I almost asked Annie how she knew. I'd only told Ymir about our impending breakup, after all. But I remembered all too quickly that Ymir tells Annie everything. _Why wouldn't she know?_

"Jealous, Ymir?" I shouted back.

She crinkled up her nose. "Of what?"

"Y'know, I could chat you up too if you're getting lonely" Ronnie teased, swimming back over to her friend. Ymir only splashed at her to keep the other away.

"Gross, no. Stick to your femmes, please."

I laughed good-naturedly and sunk deeper in the somewhat chilly water. Over my chest and past my shoulders… I inhaled deeply and dunked my head under. Most people dread that initial contact with the cold temperature, but it always managed to wake me up in more than one way. Maybe that's why it felt like a bit of a rush.

I took swimming lessons in the summers between elementary grades. They kept me busy and out of my mom's way for hours at a time. Like summer camp, but cheaper. In between third and fourth grade, I spent a class with a group of girls that wailed anytime they had to open their eyes underwater. I think they were traumatized by their own chlorine-laced pools at home. The public center was decontaminated with salt, though. It didn't sting as badly.

I was always the quickest learner in my groups. I was uncomfortable having my eyes open before most of the other kids. Once I'd trained my lungs somewhat, I could watch their small, kicking feet for almost a minute at a time. Their complaints weren't nearly as loud beneath the surface. The world above was dulled; slightly muted. It was peaceful.

I blinked open my eyelids once to test Annie's pool. Saltwater, I noted immediately. There were wavering sunrays filtering through the surface, and the bottom of an inner tube bobbing against the miniscule waves. Then a splash, and a swarm of bubbles. Annie just jumped back in.

Ymir sunk under moments later, holding her nose. She must have caught onto me, as she opened her own eyes hesitantly. She waved at me, movement slowed by the water. More tiny bubbles followed her hand.

I began to release air in short bursts, then yanked myself back up for air. My head was already numb to the cold.

* * *

You'd think we would have started a campfire before this, yet here we were on the last night, watching Jess struggle with a lighter, some starter stick, and a pit. "I could help, you know" Ymir suggested the third time, tapping a nail on her beer bottle.

"Nope. I need to prove I learned something from boy scouts."

"Over a decade ago" Ymir reminded, shaking her head.

"My dad wanted me to join the boy scouts" Annie reminisced. "Apparently the girl troupes focused too much on 'homemaking' skills. Which I guess is fair."

"Did you end up joining either?" I inquired from my seat opposite her. Everyone but Jess, who was cross-legged on the ground, were in fold-out chairs.

"No. The boys wouldn't accept my many applications, so he taught me how to be a survivalist himself. I think I should take this moment to remind everyone that I know how to effectively kill a multitude of animals. And while I have yet to kill a human, I have some ideas as to how to inconspicuously get the job done" she said, almost cheerily.

"Cool" Ronnie muttered from beside me, sinking into her seat.

"What would I do without my strong, capable protector?" Ymir joked.

"Perish" Annie replied, entirely serious.

Jess yanked her hand back, as she was using it to protect her prospective flame from the assaulting wind, and shouted in victory. "It caught fire!" She announced, then gingerly tossed the lone stick into the awaiting pile of wood.

"You used a lighter. I wouldn't consider that the greatest of accomplishments" Ymir retorted.

Jess merely held out her hand to Levi, and he somehow knew exactly what she desired. He pulled out a smaller cigarette lighter from his pocket and placed it into her palm. Jess quickly lit her own blunt. After a deep inhale, she stood up, and promptly flipped Ymir off.

"Now that was a proper response" Ronnie cackled. I smiled in agreement.

The quickly growing flame crackled as it ate away at the smoking logs, shifting as certain corners turned to ash and weight was constantly misplaced. Our semicircle gradually grew warm from the thriving fire, and everyone settled in.

We had small, meaningless conversations for quite some time. And by "we" I mean the others conversed, meanwhile I nodded when prompted. It was odd, to be honest. For once I didn't feel I needed to talk to be involved. They had already accepted me. I was… Part of something. That realization shocking, but so pleasant.

I lost track of time as it waned on. People had passed around marshmallows at one point. That was nice. Then Ymir got up once to collect more drinks, and I had to turn her down after finishing my second bottle. I felt the need to be sober for this particular evening. My brain and heart didn't hurt as much as usual. There wasn't much pain to block out yet.

The alcohol truly began to sink in around the same time the conversation fell into a lull. We were all getting drowsy and the fire had calmed quite a lot. But I needed to say something while they were all still around, no matter my state of mind.

"I gotta tell you guys something" I said quietly, yet they seemed to hear me well enough. "Sorry for taking so long to admit it, but also… Thanks for letting me take my time, I guess." I glanced down at my clasped hands, suddenly a little uncertain. When I looked up again though, all I saw was Ymir holding my gaze. Her expression was determined and supportive. She knew what I wanted to say, and she was there. She was always _there_.

"A-and aside from Levi demanding why a straight girl was in his house, you've all been so welcoming too. I honestly thought I was this clueless, straight intruder. Sure, the clueless part is still applicable, but I've figured out that the rest is just not true. It's been such a long, exhausting battle inside my own head. On some occasions, I've been really insensitive about it; toward my own community-" I trailed off as I noticed Ronnie's solemn smile. She was as patient as always.

"The greatest part of this is figuring that I _have_ a community, though. I can't keep hiding behind this ridiculous defense I've put up. All the puzzle pieces just fit, and there's no arguing against something that makes so much sense. So basically, uh, I'm gay. I can say it now, and that itself is a feat. I'm gay."

I'm not one to get into the overly sweet and sunny aspects of things, but I can affirm that the response was positive. Ronnie almost crushed my ribcage with her hug. Levi didn't offer any snarky comment, and I'm pretty sure the smile Annie offered up was genuine. The least I can say was that it was nice. Yeah, it was really nice.

* * *

 **AN: That was a nice chapter. Prepare yourself, though. The next chapter will lead into the end of this arc, and it's a real punch in the gut.**


	72. What Happened in June

_Chapter Seventy Two- What Happened in June_

* * *

It was past two in the morning when I finally stepped out of my room. I'd laid awake for too long, unable to sink into sleep despite Ronnie's easy slumber beside me. I figured some water might do me well, but when I made it into the kitchen, I quickly found that I wasn't alone.

Ymir had one hand clasped around her phone and a spoon shoved into her mouth. She was transfixed by the illuminated screen, ignoring my presence initially. "What are you doing?" I asked after a moment.

She pulled the spoon from her mouth, and lifted up the small container on the counter. "Yogurt" she explained simply.

"It's harder to sleep when you're digesting things" I replied quietly.

"Then I guess I'm not sleeping" she said. "I suppose you want to rest, though?" She inquired.

"Ah, yes. That'd be ideal" I murmured. Ymir suddenly pushed her phone in front of me.

"Look at these fucking dogs" she laughed. I nodded to assure her I could see it, then rolled my eyes the moment the clip was over. "I know you want to crack a joke about how easily amused I am, but let's be fair. Dogs are funny to everyone" Ymir shrugged, actually turning away from her screen now.

"I'm too tired to tease you" I said lightly, fishing out a cup for the water I was seeking. Ymir beat me to it by yanking open the fridge and procuring a bottle. She offered it up, and I didn't question how she knew exactly what I was looking for. "Thanks" I mumbled.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" She asked suddenly. Then added somewhat abashedly, "It'd help tire you out."

It didn't take much for me to cave. "Sure" I replied sooner than she'd expected.

* * *

"I'm really proud of you, y'know" Ymir stated as we looked out over the ocean. There was an elevated walkway leading from the house to the beach. It cut through the sand dunes and tall, sparse grass.

The moon was really bright and luminous. It looked huge, just hanging over the rippling water. If I took a few more steps west, I'm sure I could've touched it. But Ymir kept me grounded in place beside her. Well, her and the chilly wind blowing in from the beach. I stuck to Ymir's side to keep warm.

"Why? It took me forever to admit I'm not the perfect straight girl" I reminded doubtfully.

"Sure, but you came out in the end. That's what counts, Christa."

I inhaled shakily. _She's too good for me_ , I thought, guilt clawing at my gut. Yeah, she was a bitch on the outside. But it was clearly a front to protect herself. She could be so kind and considerate. I didn't deserve a friend like Ymir. I didn't deserve to be so close to her when every instinct was screaming at me to get _closer_.

"And now I'm going to have to live with it" I muttered,

"That's the hard part" Ymir confessed. "But you've got people in your corner. You've got me."

"Don't say that" I said with a dry laugh, already aching all over. "Every time you do this, every time you're so _nice_ to me, it gets harder to pretend things are okay. They're not. You fuck me up, Ymir."

"I don't think I get it" she admitted cautiously. No, she did. And the truth scared her.

I shook my head and back away. I needed to look her in the eye when I finally unraveled. I hated myself enough to want to watch as our relationship fell apart. "I love you, Ymir." I choked on my words. She furrowed her brows, gaped a bit as if she wanted to say something. Probably a friendly _"I love you too?"_

But I couldn't let her brush it off. I pushed further. "You know what I mean. I'm _in_ love with you" I persisted.

I looked her straight on as a million emotions crossed her face, few of them positive. I realized in those long few seconds that she'd known. Not consciously, of course. But she'd had that same small voice in the back of her skull that I'd been pushing away for months. We were the same. We couldn't face the truth until it slapped us square in the face.

"I'm sorry" she eventually breathed, appearing truly apologetic. "If I had known-"

"Don't" I pleaded. "Don't say if you'd known I was gay, you wouldn't have befriended me. Wouldn't have put me through this. Yeah, it hurts. Being in love with you hurts like a punch to the gut" I said, not even bothering to fight back the tears.

"But you, you and Ronnie, you showed me what love really is. I didn't feel much before you. I drifted through life like… Like I wouldn't care if I dropped dead at any moment. I didn't have friends or romantic interests. Maybe I was looking in all the wrong places. But then you," I heaved a sigh, " _You_ came into my life, and it's like… I finally understood.

"All those stupid fucking love songs made sense. You made me smile and laugh and understand more about myself than I ever could have imagined. You made me feel vulnerable." I bit my lip. It had begun to tremble with emotion. "And it was scary at first, but warm too. So please don't say you regret this, because I sure as hell don't.

"I was terrified for so long that I'd never truly feel love. Now I know that I can, though. And that's worth every bit of heartbreak I'm going to experience" I finished quietly.

Ymir, previously shocked and guarded, had softened. She reached out to gently wipe the tears from my cheeks. _She understands_ , I realized with relief. It was all I could ask for.

Ymir looked away for a moment, visibly conflicted. I was ready for the rejection. I'd been prepared since the beginning. The only thing that confused me at that was moment was if _she_ was ready for it.

"I really am a terrible person" she whispered to herself. Before I could question her, Ymir leaned down and kissed me. It was short, yet lingering. It was everything I'd been wanting, but so bittersweet. I swear I could feel her internal confliction, and a level of guilt that mirrored mine. Then she pulled away.

The ocean roared angrily, swarming my ears and blocking out my own heavy breathing. I could taste the salt on the air, feel the mist on my fingertips. A fog crept into my brain. Like the shock that had hit me days ago. It was thick and all-consuming. And at the base of all these conflicting sensations, there was the tingling in my lips. They were cold now, as if I could miss something that had barely been there in the first place. I wanted to reach up and touch my lips. I wanted to reassure myself that this was real, that I was real. But it would only sting, I realized, fully understanding that nothing could replace Ymir.

She took a step back, already horrified with herself. She retreated further then nearly collapsed against the wooden railing behind us. She sunk down to sit on the walkway's surface, head already buried in her hands. "I thought-" she began, voice wavering, "I thought if I kissed you, I'd be able to confirm that I don't feel the same."

I reached up to touch my lips, giving in to the temptation. I suppose I was a little numb from shock. My skin was cold in comparison to hers. _Here we go_ , I readied myself as the fog in my head began to disperse somewhat, _here's the rejection._

"But I only made it worse" Ymir hiccupped. _Ah,_ I thought, _I really shouldn't be surprised._ "I'm so sorry, Christa. I like you more than I should." _And that only makes it feel worse._

"But you love Annie more" I finished for her, sinking into a monotone. My brain was working again, the rusty gears squeaking into motion as my world hit me once again. I was out of breath, yet I couldn't show it.

"She's done so much for me" Ymir desperately explained, still unwilling to meet my eyes.

I inhaled shakily. At least I could get oxygen back into my lungs. "I get it" I assured. I glanced back toward the house, and all those sleeping people. I wondered how things would've turned out if I had just stayed in bed. I made my own choices, though. And it was time to face the consequences. "I'm sorry too" I said eventually. It was quiet and weak; I'm not really sure I meant it. Then I began my walk back to the house, alone and more heartbroken than I could have imagined.

* * *

 **AN: Well... I'm just gonna walk away now. Uh, see you soon.**


	73. Turbulence

_Chapter Seventy Three- Turbulence_

* * *

My flight to Atlanta was tumultuous and uncomfortable. I tried blocking out the wails of small children with my headphones. The music only put me more on edge. About two hours in, once the other passengers had settled into their books or mid-afternoon naps, I slipped out of my seat.

The plane bathroom was cramped, as expected, but offered enough privacy for me to catch a breath. It seemed like I hadn't been breathing properly all day. Maybe it was my total lack of sleep, or the gnawing hole in my chest that surely must have been growing.

I splashed cold water against my face. I hadn't even hit the humidity, and yet my skin already felt gross. I gripped the edge of the sink, inhaling unsteadily as the plane harshly dropped.

 _"_ _I kissed Ymir last night" I told Annie, voice shaking. It was too early in the morning, the sun barely crossing the horizon. She wasn't surprised like I'd hoped she'd be._

 _"_ _Funny, because Ymir told me she had kissed you."_

I exhaled slowly, leaning forward as the floor steadied. The overhead light was harsh, even from behind my closed eyelids.

 _"_ _She doesn't lie to me, Christa. Why do you think you need to defend her?" Annie prodded._

 _We were alone, throwing my luggage into the trunk of Ronnie's Jeep. She'd be driving me to the Portland airport later. I still hadn't talked to her about the previous evening. I was questioning if I even should. Would it be better for Ymir if I kept quiet?_

 _I had an answer to Annie's question, but it was one I was sure she wouldn't be in the mood to hear. So I sealed my lips just a little longer. There was no salvaging our budding friendship. The least I could do, however, was spare her more pain._

I reached for the cheap paper towels, dabbing at my dripping face. I was suddenly grateful I hadn't bothered with makeup that day. I figured I was going to cry it off at some point, anyway. It was a miracle my cheeks had stayed dry so far. Perhaps I was still in some state of shock. Once it all finally hit me, I'd probably already be in Atlanta. But by then, it'd be a whole other world. This past year would no longer feel much like reality.

 _"_ _Maybe you two need time apart. Give Ymir some space while you're gone. She doesn't need the additional stress and confusion" Annie persuaded. She might as well have said it outright: 'Don't contact my girlfriend.' I suppose she had more class than that, though._

 _"_ _Yeah, I can do that" I agreed, unable to meet her eyes. I'd do anything to fix this, while still knowing the situation was irreparable._

 _I hesitated, hand on the last bag. The orange sunrays were too soft, and the scent of the ocean too pleasant. The temperature was perfect, comfortable. I hadn't realized how easy it was to ruin something so dear to another person. This house, beach, and town were Annie and Ymir's childhood. And I just left a massive burn in the corner, so carelessly. I'd understand if Annie hated me. Her calm demeanor was a little too merciful, I thought. Or I guess she didn't like giving into anger. Maybe the pain was quietly eating at her heart all the same._

I pulled my hair back and sighed at my sunken under-eye circles. I looked like a ghost, and there was no helping it. Somewhat more composed now, I exited the bathroom and retreated back to my seat. The flight went by quicker than I would have preferred.

* * *

When we landed, I faced another monumental obstacle. It was like I'd been sucked back into a personal hell that I'd spent years trying to escape. And I'd succeeded, too. But there was no avoiding a homecoming, even when the source of years of strife was waiting right outside my gate.

My mother glanced up from her phone, slightly absent of the mind, as usual. I'd always wondered where that small piece had gone. Perhaps it was stuck in the past; a part of her brain and heart that she'd never get back.

It took her a few moments to notice me, blue eyes blinking away some mental haze. Then she waved. She looked… Somewhat happy, to my surprise. I almost began to cry at the mere notion, right there in the middle of the airport.

But I bit my lip and found my resolve. There'd be time for tears later.

I took in the pale face and blonde hair that nearly mirrored mine. She was like an older reflection of myself. I only hoped I wouldn't grow up to be so empty. I returned the miniature wave, and picked up my pace. "Hi, Mom."

* * *

 **AN: Well, here we finally are, at the end of the first year. Honestly I feel like the story itself is wrapping up. I'd intended for this to be a fic about Christa growing up and navigating a new world, finding herself in the process. And a lot of that's kind of done now. I still have a lot I want to do once Christa and Ymir are together and all that's settled, but I might not end up writing much of that stuff. I have less time and motivation than I used to, so I suppose we'll just see where these coming months lead me.**


	74. Again

**AN: I have so much to bitch about, but not enough room or energy to go into it. So I'll be a considerate person and abstain altogether.**

* * *

 _Chapter Seventy Four- Again_

* * *

The on-campus coffee shops seemed to have the optimal amount of white noise. I could sit down in a less crowded corner and just study, read, or stare off at nothing. I'd finalized my schedule earlier that day, and had moved in over a week ago. At this point, I was free to relax until the fall term actually started.

I'd made considerable progress in a book I'd been meaning to read since summer. If there was one more thing I could accomplish this week, it'd be this daunting task. Sasha had recommended the novel to me ages ago, and now that we were living together again, the pestering wouldn't stop.

I set down the paperback to take a sip from my tea. It already tasted a bit watery from the melting ice.

The bell on the door jingled as a new customer entered. There was the usual cheery greeting from the barista. The conversations around the room that had monetarily lulled rose once again to a steady thrum in my ears.

When I noticed that the newcomer was Ymir, I think I was sucked back into the past for just a second. She was bathed in sunlight, gazed fixated on somewhere other than me. She was relaxed, exactly as she had been a whole year ago.

I sank back into my seat and pulled my book back up, vainly hoping it would cover my face to the point beyond recognition. After Ymir ordered, however, she spent some time glancing around. And inevitably, her eyes caught mine.

"Christa" she exclaimed a little too jovially. I sighed in defeat and lowered the novel once again, anticipating her approach.

She quickly slid into the seat across from me, looking like she had a million and two things to say. "Wow, you cut your hair" she started off. Well, she wasn't wrong. It was currently clean-cut to my shoulders. I was still adjusting to the new length.

"You're one to talk" I replied, indicating to her new style as well. It was much shorter than before, only reaching the nape of her neck now. The thin brunette strands were combed back, although a few strays fell into her eyes. It actually looked really good, and neater. I think it suited her better.

"New year, new Ymir" she joked.

"It's about three fourths through the year."

"Uh, new _school_ year" she attempted to salvage. I shrugged; might as well give it to her. Ymir glanced away, biting her lip. Now that we'd broken the ice, she was contemplating addressing a more substantial topic. "I was kind of expecting you to text me at some point" she said finally. "You never did."

I ran my nail along a groove in the table, absorbing the awkward tension that surrounded us. "I figured I should give you space" I lied. In all honesty, I wanted to talk to her so badly. Her humor would've been an immense relief during those two months away. I settled for others instead. I enjoyed speaking to Ronnie and Sasha and everyone else… But I'd always felt a deeper understanding between myself and Ymir. It was almost like there was a part of me missing throughout the silence. I was scared I'd never get that piece back, even as she was sitting right across from me.

Ymir's name was called, as her order was ready. She stood to grab her drink, and almost simultaneously my phone buzzed. I glanced at the text from Jess. _"You going to Levi's Friday?"_

 _"_ _I've got nothing better to do"_ I replied.

Ymir sat back down, waiting expectantly for me to finish. "You got somewhere to be?" She asked lightly.

"No. It was just Jess. I guess I'll be at Levi's this week. Might as well indulge in some social interaction" I said with a shrug.

"You guys are still in contact?"

There was an odd twinge to her tone. It sounded a bit like pain. Her subtle response made sense. I'd been talking to Jess during the summer, yet not Ymir, after all.

"Yeah. She's entertaining when she wants to be" I responded, trying to brush it off.

"Right" Ymir mumbled. "Are you guys like, dating?" She inquired cautiously.

I couldn't resist chuckling. "No. She really isn't interested in relationships right now. We kinda do things that couples would, but just not… Uh, exclusively. I try not to overthink it." Ymir nodded and I shifted in my seat. "So how's Annie?"

What I really wanted to ask was whether they were still together. But Ymir didn't need to be directly prompted. All seemed well according to her casual response. "Pretty good. I finally have my own car, so she's not as limited in that regard. Um, it's just us renting this year. No absent roommates or extra rooms. Well, we do have an actual study space now; it's sort of an office. That's pretty cool. We have a lot of unpacking to get through, though. Oh, who're you rooming with this year?"

"Sasha again. It's a four-room hall. I get my own bedroom, which is nice. We're with Eren and his sister Mikasa."

"They're related?" Ymir asked in disbelief.

"Not biologically, but Mikasa was adopted into his family pretty early on" I explained. It was a comfortable layout. I knew Sasha and Eren pretty well, and Mikasa was quiet enough that her presence wasn't bothersome. "Actually, I promised Sasha I'd help her organize her room this afternoon" I added.

"Ah, okay" Ymir replied mildly. "I'll see you around then."

I smiled politely and slipped my book back into my bag. "Yeah. I am actually a Queer now, after all" I said jokingly. Once my things were gathered, I stood to leave.

"Um, it was good getting to talk to you, Christa" Ymir interjected quickly. It wasn't quite an 'I missed you,' but I appreciated it.

"Same here."


	75. Petty Gossip

**AN: You ever talk to someone who just makes your heart pound? But like in a good way? It's intense, man. I'm already too emotionally attached.**

* * *

 _Chapter Seventy Five- Petty Gossip_

* * *

Jess passed over the blunt and I accepted it gratefully, heavily inhaling before taking another look around the mostly empty room. We were in a solitary corner, keeping away from the nervous freshmen and loud reunions.

I exhaled slowly, the smoke obscuring my vision. Jess gestured for me to pass it back, and I only hesitantly complied.

"You have to talk to her eventually" Jess reminded, already easing into her high.

"Or we could make polite small talk for the rest of our time here and never discuss June ever again. Maybe she'll start to forget and quit talking to me altogether. It'll be the golden opportunity for me to get over her."

"You really are a child sometimes" Jess mumbled. "Be an adult, Christa. Tell her that you're not hell-bent on ripping apart her relationship. You can be friends, y'know."

"You weren't there earlier this week" I argued. "It was _awkward_ , Jess. It didn't feel like us."

"It probably won't for a while. It's only going to get more awkward when she sees the tattoo. What're you going to tell her then? 'Oh, I just like seashells?' You'll sound like a fucking idiot."

I shook my head and leaned into the wall, unable to fight the growing frown. "I came here to relax, and you're really stressing me out right now."

"No, I'm talking you through your issues, like a good friend."

"Hmph, sure" I grumbled, snagging the blunt back.

When Ymir finally joined the get-together, she had Annie in tow. The blonde's hair was braided over her shoulder, and the sight was much more shocking than it should've been. I guess I hadn't realized her hair was that long, considering she'd pinned it back all last year.

I couldn't resist staring at Ymir, and it was probably a full minute before Jess's snort of amusement jarred me from my focus. To be fair, she looked _good_. Well, she always did in my opinion. It was like she'd gotten an upgrade over the summer or something. She'd clearly been working out more frequently; I wouldn't mind if she flexed from a closer distance. And she was really tan. Like wow, did she _have_ to be that attractive?

"Forget this 'getting over her' bullshit. You're clearly enamored. It's kind of gross just to watch" Jess commented. I elbowed her in protest, but couldn't verbally argue her point.

Instead I resorted to an option that never failed me: sarcasm. "Are you jealous?"

"Over you? That's gotta be a joke" she easily replied. "No offense, but you've got way too much baggage for me to get invested."

"I take full offense to that" I said with less energy. _Stop staring,_ I reminded myself, actually averting my attention back to Jess. "I think it'd be easier to fool myself if I had a girlfriend. At least then I'd have an excuse for avoiding Ymir."

"Oh right, that's what Ronnie was. Your distraction." Okay, that comment pissed me off somewhat.

"You ass" I shot back. "I really liked Ronnie. She was more than… Than a plan B" I stuttered.

"Sure, if that makes you feel better" Jess argued. I gave her a pointed look, then dropped the remainder of the blunt into her drink. "Bitch" she muttered, although she showed no real signs of anger.

"I think I'm going to find some better company."

"You're going to lose your ride home" she informed.

"That's fine. I'll find a new one. See you later" I said hastily.

"Yeah. Play safe" Jess added halfheartedly, already leaving to sit with Levi.

I would have taken an alternate route around Ymir and Annie if there was one. Unfortunately, I was stuck lowering my head in attempt to sneak past them unnoticed. Ymir noticed me. She waved and called my name, but I only slowed my pace to respond, casting an apologetic smile her way. "Sorry, bathroom" I lied, pointing in that general direction.

Ymir gave a curt nod, obviously detecting my dishonesty. She let me leave nevertheless. I diverted toward a section of the house that I rarely strayed. It was where the lesbians hung out. Now, I understand I should mingle with my people, but it wasn't very encouraging when the group constantly called me "baby dyke." So there is a reason why I stuck to my small circle of friends. This evening, however, I was on a specific mission that led me to them.

One thing I quickly noticed after flirting with women was that girls weren't all that different from guys. And by that, I mean it wasn't difficult to figure out what they wanted. All I had to do was stoke their ego somewhat, feign interest, and look innocent. A simple hair flip didn't hurt my cause either.

When I got to their corner, I stood up straighter, forced on a grin, and pulled down my shirt slightly. "Hey ladies, anyone free tonight?"

Distractions weren't always a bad thing.

* * *

When I woke the next morning, I was grateful that I was, at the very least, in my own bed. As I began to nurse my headache, I could only recall parts of the previous night. The woman I'd ended up hanging out with looked too much like Ymir. She'd been tall and lean and just a little snarky. Enough to be charming, I suppose. I'm sure I'd wanted her to take me home with her, but she probably realized how wasted I was by the end of the evening. She was a good kisser, though. I'm going to assume I had fun while our time together lasted. _What was her name?_ I briefly wondered. _Is she even a student?_ I could only hope that I wouldn't see her on campus. Now that would be awkward.

"Christa?" Sasha prompted tentatively from the other side of the door. "Can I come in? Are you dressed?"

I blushed, then checked just to be sure. "Yeah, I'm good."

She opened the door cautiously, checking around for a possible partner. "I was there when that girl brought you back, but I wasn't sure if she'd, ah, stayed" Sasha explained. "Are you feeling okay, though? You usually don't drink that much."

I stretched out my arms, feeling a few joints pop. "Yeah. I guess I got overexcited. New school year, and all that" I lied. _Lying, a growing theme this week._

"Uh huh" Sasha acknowledged, only somewhat convinced. "Well, Eren's making pancakes right now if you want any" she suggested, her eyes lighting up at her own words.

"Sure, I'll be out in a couple minutes" I replied, offering a soft smile. If there was one thing to be happy out, it's the fact that Eren wasn't there last night. Therefore, I wouldn't have to confront how much of a mess I probably was. I silently thanked Mikasa for keeping such close tabs on her brother. Then I got up, and steeled myself for the day ahead.


	76. Cracks and Chips

_Chapter Seventy Six- Cracks and Chips_

* * *

I very reluctantly had to take an evening class that semester. The campus was rather compact, so walking home in the dark wasn't much of an issue. There were plenty of streetlights along the way, and more often than not I had a classmate walking in the same direction. On a cloudy night in mid-September, however, circumstances were not ideal.

In my opinion, the campus was fairly safe. The school was small enough that rumors and warnings spread quickly. To put it simply, harassment wasn't common. So it took me a bit by surprise when I noticed a hooded figure following me that evening. Slowly, of course; obviously keeping a careful distance.

It took me a while to grow truly concerned, but it was evident enough by the fifth block that my presumed follower didn't have a destination. I stuck my hand in my pocket, and grasped tightly around my phone in the case he tried something. The experience so far was more unnerving than outright threatening. The current question in my mind was who I'd call. The police wouldn't be close enough to help, and I didn't have any friends living or going to class in the near vicinity. I regretted not saving the college security hotline in my contacts.

A door opened to my left, startling me slightly. A student leaving one of the buildings for the night. Before I glanced over, I heard my name, and I instantly sighed in relief. "Ymir" I greeted quickly, watching her descend the few steps to the sidewalk.

As soon as she was close enough, I grabbed her hand and pulled her to my side. "Thank God" I muttered, loud enough for only her to hear. "That guy's been following me for almost fifteen minutes."

She looked back with an arched brow. "Huh, well I guess I scared him off. He's backtracking" she informed. I followed her gaze, and eased up further. "Did you call anyone?"

"No" I said as we started walking again. I was still too shaken up to release her hand. "I didn't know who to call, or what to say. I wasn't even sure if he was following me for a while."

"You gotta tell people, just in case" Ymir responded. "Otherwise something could happen, and no one would know where you were. You could've even texted me" she continued, a tinge of disappointment lacing her tone.

"Sorry… I didn't know you had a late class out here."

"It's only once a week" she said, lighter this time. "You can let go now" she teased eventually, and I dropped her hand with a rising blush. She pushed her hair back, an evident habit by now. "Y'know, that's the most you've talked to me in weeks."

The flush along my neck intensified, and I slumped my shoulders a bit. "You know how the first month is" I grappled for an excuse.

"Mm" she murmured, not in a mood to accuse me of anything. "Do you want to get dinner with me?" She then asked, much to my surprise.

"It's eight" I said blankly.

"Yeah, but I've been in class for two hours, and I'm hungry" she replied.

"I guess I don't have anything else to do" I pondered. "Plus, I'd rather not walk home alone."

"Great" Ymir beamed, locking her arm around mine as she turned us in another direction.

* * *

Ymir stuffed a fry into her mouth as I continued to stare, glancing from her to my phone screen every so often. "What'd you do this summer?" Ymir asked abruptly.

"It's a little late for that question."

"Not my fault. You've been avoiding me" she responded bluntly. I guess now that she had food in her, she was back to the same, forward Ymir that I know and love. _Well, she got me. Might as well answer her question,_ I reasoned.

"I spent as much time working as I could" I answered, twirling the straw around my water cup. "Not much else to do." I shrugged.

Ymir nodded. "Same. I ran into an old girlfriend while I was back home. That was weird. And she wanted to stop and talk, as if we had communicated within the past three years" she said with a laugh.

I snickered too. "That must've been awkward."

"Oh yeah, especially since that's the girl whose mom outed me."

"No fucking way" I replied, actually leaning in.

"She even tried to apologize, which just made shit worse" she added, in a lighter tone than I was expecting. "But anyway, I can say it was an interesting couple of months."

 _Did you and Annie talk about me? Did you argue?_ I wanted to ask. _Did you even think much about me? Because I just couldn't get you out of my head._

She was still donning an amused quirk to her lips, and I couldn't help remembering how it felt to be kissed by her. She was gentle, and she'd really wanted it. That much I could tell.

My body temperature began to rise at the recollection, and I moved to unzip my light sweatshirt. I slid it off and hung it on the back of my chair. Ymir reached up with a fry in hand, looking prepared to toss it at me. "Don't you dare" I warned, suddenly experiencing very different flashbacks.

She grinned, but set it back down. As her eyes wandered, her posture stiffened. She wiped the grease off her fingers on a napkin while furrowing her brow. "How long have you had that?" She questioned, pointing at the small tattoo on the underside of my right forearm.

It was a sand dollar, mostly whole with a large chip. There were a couple of cracks along the surface. I wanted Ronnie to draw it for me, knowing she'd get the image just right. She had, of course, and sent the picture to me by text. I went to the tattoo parlor that same day.

"Um, a little over two months ago" I replied uneasily. I wasn't sure how Ymir would react, considering the significance.

"Oh" was all she said, lost in thought. I waited for her to return to herself, fidgeting with my hair in the meantime. "Why a broken sand dollar?" She eventually inquired, somewhat meekly.

"It's a bit of a long explanation" I chuckled.

"You say that like we don't have time."

I bit my lip, contemplating it. I knew all too well that there was no escaping this conversation. "It's kind of personal" I began, glancing up to see Ymir's unfazed expression. "But basically, when I'm around my mom… I feel different. She's never been much of a _person_. And I know that won't make sense to you. If I had to explain it, it's like she's empty.

"And my dad-" My voice wavered. "My dad is something less than human. He beat her when he was angry and he used her like an object. And for so long I couldn't help thinking, if my mom's barely half a person, and my father… is even less, then what does that make me? Something broken, I guess. Something incomplete."

I paused, glancing around the café to reassure myself that no one else was close enough to hear my story. "But then you told me about the sand dollars you used to collect" I said hoarsely, staring back down at the hands in my lap. "You thought that they were better incomplete. So I thought, if I had this reminder during the bad days, that I could remember that it's okay to be less than whole." I inhaled shakily, then looked back up at Ymir's stunned expression.

I rested my arms against the table again, fixated on my own tattoo for a moment. The silence between us was less tense than before. It brought a comfort that had been long missing. Ymir seemed to regain her composure, and she rested a hand over mine. "I don't really have anything to say" she muttered.

"That's fine. Now you know, though." She didn't need to speak, honestly. Her thumb softly rubbing against mine was soothing enough.

She felt right, and that thought alone made me want to cry. She knew how to be there, and she understood me on a level that I hadn't experienced with anyone else. But I couldn't cry. I couldn't complain about how much I wanted her, _needed_ her. I couldn't think about how easily she would complete me. Otherwise, I might have simply broken down.

* * *

 **AN: The next chapter is fun. And by "fun" I mean another small punch in the gut. So... Look forward to that.**


	77. A Starless Sky

**AN: I'm contemplating uploading the next two chapters together, or a day apart from each other. They're pretty connected, and I feel it'd be more hard-hitting to end it with the second one. Then again, I'm running out of chapters in general. (Honestly, I haven't written anything for this story in over two months. Oops.) But I guess we'll see once I decide.**

* * *

 _Chapter Seventy Seven- A Starless Sky_

* * *

I slipped my hands under Jess's shirt as she ran her lips down my neck. The air reeked of cigarettes but the girl in my arms was enough of a distraction to stay in place. The house was rowdy that night, laughter filling the smoky rooms. I just wanted some companionship.

I pulled Jess back by her hair, meeting her mouth with mine again. God, I was starting to taste the cigarettes at this point. Luckily Jess and I had gone out for ice cream before driving over, and the residual sweetness accompanied her deep kiss. I didn't have an endless supply of oxygen, however, so it wasn't long until we had to part again for air.

"Are you just horny or something?" Jess asked in amusement, detangling herself from my arms.

"I guess" I replied. "Lonely, more like?"

"Oh honey, you need a girlfriend" she laughed, pulling out her last blunt. I shrugged and leaned into the wall.

"Or maybe another drink" I considered. "Yeah, that sounds good." I straightened out my own shirt, and wandered off toward the kitchen. There was quite an array of beer choices this time, and it took me a moment to decide. Just as I picked up a can, someone nudged my shoulder.

I glanced up slowly, already tipsy. "Oh, Ymir" I greeted.

"Hey sweetheart" she responded cheerily. "Where's your hot date?"

"Currently getting high as a kite" I answered dully, taking my first drink from the beer.

"Is she being antisocial again?"

"Isn't she always?"

"Fair enough" Ymir agreed with a nod. "So, you excited we made it to October?" She prompted.

"I mean, sure. Halloween's pretty huge on campus, huh? Like, chill guys. We've still got a whole month until you can party 'til you're black-out drunk" I ranted, throwing back another drink.

"Uh huh" Ymir said with a laugh.

"How buzzed are you?" I asked suddenly. She was unusually happy.

"A lot. A lot buzzed" she replied after a moment of hesitance. "But I think I'm done for tonight. All this smoke is just too much."

"I know, right? What the fuck, is Levi hosting a smoker's convention or something?" I commented. "It's getting hard to breathe."

"Wanna go outside?" Ymir suggested. I pondered it, then shrugged. I finished off my drink, then tossed it into the nearby trash bin.

"Yeah, let's go."

We maneuvered toward the exit. I almost lost her once in the oddly thick crowd. It was probably all the new freshmen, finally figuring out that we existed. It was around the time of year that upperclassmen began to bring their younger friends around. I was just a late addition the previous year.

We both breathed much more deeply when we emerged outside. I walked toward the overgrown lawn, lush and green from the summer sun and August rain. I plopped down into the grass, Ymir following shortly after.

"What're you going to be for Halloween?" Ymir abruptly asked.

"Huh?"

"I mean, you were complaining about the Halloween thing, but you seem like the type to dress up."

Well, she wasn't wrong. "Probably a vampire or something. Because I'm cold-blooded" I joked.

"Why not a witch?" She prompted. "Since it sounds like bitch?"

"Whoa, you're right. That would be good" I agreed, thinking it over. "What about you?"

"I'll just dress normally."

"That's lame."

"Only if you don't do it right. When someone asks what I'm supposed to be, I'll say 'A lesbian, boo!'"

I actually laughed at that, eliciting a proud grin from her. "That's not too bad" I conceded, laying back in the grass. My seated position had begun to hurt my back. Ymir followed suit, taking a couple moments to gaze up at the few stars we could glimpse through the light pollution.

"It's kind of odd thinking about where I am now" I said quietly, having calmed down from my alcohol-fueled elation. "Like, just a few years ago, I wouldn't imagine I'd be lying outside of a big queer party. And… be comfortable with it all, I guess."

"Things always turn out different than you'd expect. Different than what you wanted, too" Ymir added.

"What's your ideal future?" I inquired suddenly, fixated on the moving red dot of an overhead plane.

"Well, I have a Master's degree" she started off, shifting around to get more comfortable. "I'm a therapist. Like, a good one that makes you feel safe and better and all that helpful shit. That future would also include a reasonable income. Oh, and I'd have a dog. Annie and I are married in this scenario, of course."

"Of course" I echoed in a whisper.

"And we have a kid. No, two. They probably back-talk too often, which is my fault. I can't help teasing her about how strict she is. I'm the fun parent, obviously. We fight over how we're going to raise them sometimes. Nothing too serious, though. Annie thinks they should be Christian, but I'm kind of concerned they'll turn out to be the bad kind. But I give in, because I always do. This is something that actually matters to her. So she takes the kids to church every other Sunday.

"We have normal holiday get-togethers with her dad. We get his advice on parenting stuff. And we're close. We barely have time for dates, but it's fine. We're happy." Ymir shakily exhaled, returning from her reverie.

"That's nice" I mumbled, genuinely meaning it.

"Yup. And what about yours? What's your ideal future?"

I hesitated before answering. "I used to have one for so long. But now it's kind of fizzling away. Honestly, I have no idea anymore. I suppose I'm winging it now."

Ymir chuckled, alleviating the tension in my chest. "That's cool too. It can be more interesting not knowing what comes next. You just have to take it a step at a time."

"Yeah… A step at a time."

It's easy to get lost in the vast expanse of the sky. I wanted to drift into it, though. I needed that distraction from my reality, and the uncertainty that accompanied it. I had tried to not think about the future for a long while. It was too vague at this point, and I didn't always handle "vague" well. So despite how much I wanted Ymir's words to comfort me, the most I felt was a dull throb of unease. She had plans and goals and aspirations, and I… was merely hoping for the best, whatever that entailed.

Jess walked out a minute later, prepared to leave. "What are you idiots doing?" She teased, staring down at us. "Y'know there are plenty of bugs in the grass, right?"

When I looked over at Ymir, she was grinning. It was infectious. "We're stargazing" she said innocently. I giggled, and Jess rolled her eyes.

"You're clearly wasted. C'mon, Christa. I'm going home, and I'm assuming you still want a ride."

I sat up, shaking stray leaves out of my hair. "Yes, please!" I exclaimed.

I made sure to wave goodbye to Ymir before heading back to Jess's truck.

* * *

 **AN: Quick update- being in love sucks.**


	78. Things That Define Us

_Chapter Seventy Eight- Things That Define Us_

* * *

Sasha held up another costume and considered it. "Do you think they carry any regular cop costumes? I'm not sure sexy is really my thing" she said with a frown, placing it back on the rack. It was two weeks from the end of October, and Sasha had insisted I go costume shopping with her while all the "good outfits" were still available.

"Um, they're probably in the men's section" I replied apologetically. "Wait, don't you have a new boyfriend? Wouldn't he appreciate all the leg that thing shows off?"

"Sure, he might. But I won't" she argued.

"Oh, alright. Um, I don't think the firefighter one is too revealing" I suggested, pointing in that direction. She picked up the outfit to examine it.

"Are you going to start looking?" She questioned, sifting through the size options.

"Eventually. I know what I'm getting, so it won't take me long." I glanced down at my phone, smiling as I checked a recent text from Ymir. Sasha was leaning over my shoulder by the time I'd sent a response.

"You guys should just date already" she said in exasperation.

"She has a girlfriend" I corrected. "We've gone over this."

"Right. A girlfriend she barely talks about. The whole situation screams 'toxic.'"

"Well it's not my place to butt in" I flailed for another excuse.

"Sure" Sasha said with a disbelieving frown. Then she visibly lit up and dashed to another rack. A second later, she held up a pizza costume, already laughing.

"Oh my God" I gasped excitedly. "That's it! That's the one for you!"

I was only partially joking, but she shook her head. "I'll admit, I would turn heads" she reasoned, putting the giant slice of fabric pizza back.

I finally pocketed my phone and began searching around for a witch costume. It didn't take long to find the store's selection. They had a few color schemes to choose from. I examined the blue, purple, and green versions, then settled for a black dress with red stitching. As soon as I spotted my size, I was good to go. I'd do my hair and makeup with my own normal supplies. I'd probably just apply more eyeliner and lipstick than usual.

When I showed off the chosen piece to Sasha, she snorted in amusement. "That's pretty skimpy, Christa."

"Yup" I agreed, not at all bothered by the fact. Unlike my roommate, I _wanted_ to turn heads. Well, one head in particular.

Sasha ended up settling for the firefighter costume that I had suggested. She left out the plastic hat, and instead decided that she'd pull her hair up. We paid for our finds and left the store giggling over a zombie display that had reached out and startled Sasha.

On the sidewalk outside, Sasha paused. She stared at a mostly full bag of popcorn, thrown haphazardly onto the pavement. The pieces were spilling out, awaiting to be picked up by birds or bugs. Whichever got to the discarded food first.

"What a waste" she mumbled, a little downtrodden. She turned and walked with me back to her car.

It had taken me quite some time to learn about Sasha's past. Despite how bubbly and welcoming she was on the outside, she had a hard shell to crack. I found out sooner than later that she'd had a bit of a rough childhood. Her family had basically lived off of food stamps for the first decade of her life. Even though they'd gained more wealth later on, old habits didn't die for Sasha. She got upset anytime someone wasted food. That was why Eren and Mikasa shared meals more often than not when we were out with her. They were both light eaters in the first place, so they might as well finish their plate.

"Where do you want to get lunch?" I asked as soon as our bags were stowed away. It lifted her mood, just as I had hoped it would.

* * *

That night I sat in front of our television, half-asleep and a few minutes from staggering off to bed. Sasha had been asleep for an hour already, and Mikasa was staying at a friend's place. They were finishing an article together. At least, that's what I heard. I had a sneaking suspicion that her and the other girl were more than just friends.

Eren yawned from the other side of the couch. He set his phone down on the coffee table in front of us, a small frown overtaking his expression. "Hey, Christa" he reluctantly started, "Can I ask you something?"

I perked up, turning down the TV volume by a few degrees. "Sure."

"Uh, I used to talk about relationship stuff with Mikasa, but since she doesn't know about Levi…"

"You're resorting to me" I finished for him with a sympathetic smile.

He nodded. "So you know Levi's a smoker. That's kind of his thing. But he does it so frequently, and it's awful for his body. When we first started dating, I didn't think I should try to stop him. I mean, we barely knew each other. But after a few months, I'd finally convinced him to ease up. He wasn't smoking a pack a day anymore for a while. I thought I was actually helping him, y'know? But then I had to leave for the summer, and he just fell back into his old habits. Now I feel like all we've been doing since school started is fight about it. I think he's going through cigarettes like candy just to spite me."

Eren took a deep breath, blinking away the tears gathering in his eyes. "I love him a lot. He can be really compassionate and attentive, although you probably don't see that side of him. But I feel like he's got his priorities wrong. It's… It's like I'm not enough for him anymore. And I don't know if I can be with someone who puts their self-destructive habits before anything else. So what do I do? Do I break up with him? Do I shut up and leave him be? I'm not sure if we'll be able to compromise." Eren hiccupped, and I moved over so I could wrap him in a hug.

"Hey, you're right to be concerned" I soothed in a low tone. "I think, before jumping to any solutions, you should talk to him. Like, seriously talk it out. Figure out if this is a difference that you can overcome. And if it's something he simply refuses to give up, well… Then I think you need to do what's best for yourself. I don't know exactly what that is for you, but that's what I did when Ronnie and I decided to break up. We discussed it and reached an agreement. I ultimately did what was best for _me_."

Eren nodded, frantically wiping away his tears. He was shaking like a frightened child. All I could do was hold him tighter.

* * *

 **AN: I'm going to be honest for a moment. Someone who I've been very close with for years just dropped me... completely. And I really associate this story, even this fandom/ship, with them a whole lot. So it's very difficult to get into this right now. I'm not going to quit the story because we've all invested way too much time into it. But I might take a break, or just update slower than usual. I don't know what the lasting impact is going to be yet. I'm still trying to find some emotional stability. For now, I just need to warn you guys that this is, and will be, a struggle to work on. In the simplest of terms, this situation is hard. But I'll deal with it the best I can.**

 **Alright, cool, see you later.**


	79. And That Which Divides Us

**AN: I figured taking time off would help, but my mental state has only been declining. For months I've just been watching myself get worse and worse. I've been bottling up all this negativity, and allowing it to eat away at me. I have no motivation. I'm even more self-hating than ever before. And I'm so unbearably lonely. I'm not complaining; I'm offering an explanation for what I'm going to say next.**

 **I've spent years on this story, invested so much energy, time, and love. I only wish I could write everything I wanted to. Unfortunately, however, I know myself well enough to realize that what I want isn't going to be a reality. So I'm publishing the few remaining unreleased chapters, then capping it off with a final one I wrote up today. I'd feel terrible if I disappeared permanently without at least leaving a somewhat coherent farewell.**

 **So here we are. See you once more at the end.**

* * *

 _Chapter Seventy Nine- And That Which Divides Us_

* * *

On the Friday before Halloween, I remained primarily alone. I shot back drinks too quickly. I stared a little too long at the attractive girls passing by. And I was so very done with the school week.

Ymir had too much homework to come. I was proud of her for being responsible for once, but also a bit lonely without her humor. Jess had abandoned me early on, and was already attached at the hip to some Junior woman. Eren was even keeping his distance from his boyfriend's house, apparently having taken my words to heart.

Annie had come to hang out, however. She'd dragged along a younger classmate as well, who appeared anxious in the presence of so many queers. I almost wanted to laugh at how much she reminded me of myself. Wide-eyed and curious, yet still terrified enough to keep to herself.

Annie dropped the girl off beside me as she briefly left to greet some friends. The latter seemed somewhat relieved to be in my presence. I was femme enough to look straight. The poor girl wasn't prepared for my drunk flirtations.

"I'm guessing you've never been to Levi's before?" I started off with a chuckle. She vigorously shook her head.

"I'm probably the first lesbian you've ever spoken to, yeah? You've got that small-town vibe" I continued, knocking back the rest of my third drink.

"Lesbian?" She echoed with a blank stare. It was finally dawning on her that I was something other than her initial expectation. She backtracked rather quickly. "S-sorry. You just don't look like one. You're so, ah, pretty" she attempted to compliment.

I frowned. Okay, this girl was becoming increasingly less cute. "Oh honey, you're looking at butches in the wrong light. Have you seen Annie's girlfriend? She's got biceps that'd make anyone swoon."

"Oh God, I fumbled again. Really, sorry. I word-vomit sometimes. I didn't mean to be offensive."

"Why are you even here?" I blurted. I really sounded like Levi. It was startling.

"I-I don't know. I was invited, and I was interested, I guess. My high school didn't even have a GSA."

I snorted in dry humor. "You ever kissed a girl?" I followed up. She looked wholly scandalized.

"No" she immediately replied.

"You ever considered trying it?"

She blushed a bright red, burying her face in a previously untouched drink. "I-I have a boyfriend" she eventually responded. "Back home."

"So he's not here" I surmised, setting my own empty cup on the ground to retrieve later. I reached up to pull out a bobby pin, then tucked my hair behind my ear, revealing my neck and collarbone. The girl was clearly staring as I stuck the pin between my teeth, fixed my hair, grabbed the bobby pin once again, and tightly secured the locks in place. I ran my tongue along my lip. I'd dressed up quite a bit that evening. A full face of makeup and a revealing top. I knew how attractive I looked.

"Yes" she said suddenly, taking herself by surprise.

"What?" I prompted smoothly, already having an idea of what she meant,

"I do w-want to try it." I raised an intrigued brow. She was a bit bolder than I had been on my first visit.

"Alright" I said after a pause, leaning over her. We were about the same height, so the position worked well enough. I watched her eyes flutter closed in anticipation. I kissed her gently, allowing her time to adjust to the new feeling. Then I ran my thumb along her cheek. She parted her lips, and I pushed further, the kiss growing more persistent. Then someone quite audibly cleared their throat behind us. I reluctantly pulled away.

"Would you look at that, it's everyone's favorite homewrecker, Christa" Annie greeted with a bitter smile. It was as if she'd lit a burner in my gut, because suddenly my blood was _boiling_. "She has a boyfriend, you know."

"Yeah, I know" I retorted. "She's the one who wanted to kiss me."

"Oh, I don't doubt that. But you didn't have to go along with it. Just because people have moments of weakness doesn't mean you to fuel their desires" she pushed.

"I get the feeling we're no longer talking about this kid over here" I stated, crossing my arms over my chest. Meanwhile, the girl behind me began to scoot away. There was a palpable tension in the air, and everyone in the vicinity was quickly catching on.

Annie bit the inside of her cheek, probably contemplating if I was worth the argument. But I was too geared up to let this all simmer back down. "If you wanted to confront me about Ymir, you shouldn't have waited so long. Not everything needs a pretense."

"We've been trying to move on, Historia" she retaliated. _Oh, pulling out the 'we' and the given name cards, huh?_

It was enough to make me pause for an extended moment. Annie gauged my reaction, returning it with a sudden sickly pride. "Yeah, I know what your real name is. I know who were, who you _are_. You used to take what you wanted because you had nothing better to do. It looks like old habits die hard."

"What the fuck are you off about? You don't know me! And just because Ymir tells you everything doesn't mean you know her all that well either" I snapped.

Annie ground her teeth. "Watch your mouth before you proceed" she said icily.

"No, I think it's time you face reality. She's constantly texting me, Annie. Even when you're out on those little dates. She's making plans with _me_. When given the option, she always chooses me over you. I make her happy. I can see it in her smile and hear it in her words-"

"Just because she loves you doesn't mean you deserve her!" Annie shouted. I shut my mouth, reeling. _Ymir loves me_ , I thought as the tears welling in Annie's eyes finally broke, streaking down her face unevenly.

Everyone was silent now, and a small group of our friends had gathered, prepared to step in when necessary. The air was thick and suffocating. I swallowed my pride and lowered my hands to my sides.

"The worst part about this is that it isn't even about _you_!" Annie persisted, voice breaking. "She looks at you now like she used to look at me. And she talks about you every day, instead of me. I've given her everything and I still can't make her happy."

"It's because _you don't understand her_ " I emphasized, most of the malice absent from my tone. Now it was purely somber. "You can try, but you can't change where you came from. I know what it feels like to be tossed aside, to believe I'm less than a person. I _know what it feels like_ to hide myself, to be terrified of how the people closest to me will react to me, to everything."

Annie choked back a sob. But she had never been a quitter. "That doesn't make up for how terrible of a person you are. You're selfish. Ymir's so self-destructive. She needs someone who's going to put her first! And you're weak, Christa. How long did it take for you to finally come out to yourself. How are you going to protect her from the world? From _herself_? You've got nothing to offer her!"

"I know!" I shouted hoarsely, warm tears running down my flush faced. "You think I don't know that?"

I balled my fist at my side, so angry at her, but more so at myself. Everything she said was true, but it still hurt more than I could've imagined. I wanted to hit her, to show her how her words felt. Yet another hand stopped me before I could do anything stupid.

"She'd beat your ass in a fight, and you're fucking well aware of that" Jess harshly whispered against my ear. I could feel her firm body at my back, silently supporting me.

"I wish we'd never met you" Annie confessed, her face already swollen from crying. "But I still know we'd be in the same position if we hadn't. You're just so _present_ , Christa. And I don't want to resent you for it, yet I still do. I want you to disappear. You're not the solution. You'll never be the solution. I've tried so long to help her, to heal her. Yet all you do is get in the way. She was my Ymir-" Annie cut herself off, shaking her head as her eyes grew blurry again.

Whatever she was going to say next, I didn't get to hear. Levi decided it was time to intervene, rushing in to wrap an arm around the broken woman's waist. "We're done here" he said in a commanding tone. It was an order for the crowd to disperse. "Christa, I think you should leave." I nodded numbly, only able to stare as he guided Annie to his room for privacy and consoling.

"Let's go" Jess said roughly, pulling me toward the front door. I let her do the rest of the thinking for me, consumed by my own emotions, most prominently guilt.


	80. Where It Ends

_Chapter Eighty- Where It Ends_

* * *

I took a little too long applying eyeliner, drifting off in thought as I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. Levi's Halloween party started in just over an hour, and I was wondering if I should even go at this point. My confrontation with Annie had been intense, to say the least. I wasn't sure if I was up for socializing just three days later.

But then someone knocked on our front door, and since I was closest, it was my obligation to answer. As soon as I greeted our guest, however, my previous downtrodden mood withered away. "Ronnie!" I exclaimed, throwing my arms around her waist. She hugged me back just as tightly with a laugh. "You should've told me you'd be visiting!"

"The whole point was to surprise you guys" she explained, pulling away so she could get a good look at me. "Wow, you are certainly trying to impress someone" she stated, taking in the short skirt and low cut of my dress.

I laughed awkwardly. "Well, I was when I bought this. Now I'm not so sure about even going to the party."

Her face fell. "Why, what's up?"

She'd looked so excited just a second ago. I couldn't bear to ruin her fun. "We can talk about it later. Y'know, since you're here, I might as well go" I attempted again. She seemed to accept my answer pretty easily, moving down the hall so she could say hi to everyone else.

I sighed as I shut the door, wondering what kind of shit I was already getting into.

* * *

I got plenty of appreciative stares as I walked through the house with Ronnie. We stopped a few times to chat with her old friends, ultimately on a path to the kitchen.

"Whoa, you stopped dying your hair" one woman commented.

"Yeah" Ronnie shrugged, "I guess it wasn't very professional." She offered a humored grin, and I tugged her away before they started on a longer topic.

"Remember the mission" I chastised. "Booze first. Ladies later."

"Right, of course" she teased, taking a moment to pull my skirt down so it fully covered my ass. "As much as I personally enjoy the view, I don't think you need to be that exposed to all these bisexual men" she explained.

We nearly swam through the thick crowd, getting close to our target. Apparently this was Levi's biggest party of the year, actually rivalling the huge event that one of the fraternities hosted. In turn, the entire house was packed.

We emerged into the kitchen with immense relief, regaining some semblance of personal space in there. Ronnie got us both drinks while I adjusted my bra, lifting up my breasts in the process. A guy in the back of the room couldn't keep his eyes off, heavily blushing as soon as I caught him ogling.

"Damn, I wanted women to notice me. Not the hetero virgins who managed to sneak in" I muttered as Ronnie handed me a whiskey soda. She cackled at that, standing in front of me to block his view.

"Better?"

"Somewhat" I grumbled.

Ymir pushed herself into the kitchen just moments later, already upset from the mass of humans she'd had to maneuver through. "Hey, Ymir" Ronnie shouted cheerily, expecting the enthusiasm to be returned.

"Hey" she said blandly, heading straight for the beers.

"That's it?" Ronnie asked in exasperation. "I fly down from Portland to see you, and you're not even surprised?"

"I mean, I'm surprised" she admitted, her tone lacking apology.

I already felt dread creeping in. Ymir could be grumpy on some days. Hell, I kind of expected it from her. But seeing her blatant lack of excitement over one of her best friends was setting off all kinds of alarms in my head.

"Uh, so where's Ann?" Ronnie attempted.

"How should I know?" Ymir snapped.

"Well, you're her girlfriend. That's kind of expected-"

"Not anymore" Ymir bitterly corrected.

 _There it is,_ I thought, exhaling slowly. All that was left in my lungs was a festering guilt, and a bit of nausea.

"What?" Ronnie enunciated.

"I said not anymore" Ymir repeated bitterly, taking a large swig from her beer. "She broke up with me yesterday. I haven't really talked much to her since. Is that enough of an explanation to you?" She stared down at the open can in hand and furrowed her brow. "Fuck" she muttered to herself, suddenly dropping it into the trash. "I need to go for a drive."

She exited the kitchen just as abruptly as she had arrived. "Oh God, Ronnie. This is my fault" I blurted.

"Okay, I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but I'm sure you can explain later. I need to go after her, alright? There's no way she's driving in that condition."

I nodded in understanding, eyes wide. "Stay here. I'll be back for you later" she instructed as an afterthought, disappearing into the crowd.

I slumped against the wall, mind reeling. _I need air,_ I realized, suddenly feeling suffocated. I braved the horde and snaked through the laughing, drinking, dancing bodies around me. It was like every remnant of oxygen had abandoned me, and all I could do was fixate on the front door.

I emerged into the night air with a heavy inhale, feeling high on open space and the chill in my lungs. I continued walking down to the main sidewalk, pulling out my phone and fumbling for my contacts. I swore I'd saved her number at some point.

My breath fogged out in front of me, the cold wind bit at the backs of my thighs. But I called Annie, waiting as it went to voicemail. I hung up and tried again. Then again. And on the fourth try she answered, irritation heavily lacing her tone. "What the fuck do you want, Christa?"

"You've made a mistake" I said immediately, walking quickly but with no destination. "She needs you."

"And she still has me, as a friend" Annie harshly corrected.

"No. That's not enough. You know how to care for her. How to keep her on track. She's already falling off the tracks, Annie. Forget me, forget what I said. You're what she deserves."

"But I have a say in it too" she said desperately. "And I want her to be happy. If that means finding new romantic partners, then fine. I'm doing what's best for her, like I always have."

"I hate that you're being this selfless" I replied weakly.

"Oh yeah? Join the club. Listen, Christa. I thought everything over, and this is my conclusion. This is my solution. She's not going to try to better herself, at least not when I'm the one urging her to. She needs someone else to push her, to motivate her. As frustrating as it is, I'm not that person anymore."

"Please-"

"No, stop. I've made my decision. I can't backtrack. I hate myself for it, but I can't let myself regret it. Someone has to be strong in this situation, so you need to shut up and come to terms with it like I have. _I_ get the final say in this, because it was _my_ relationship, Christa. She was mine." There was a pause on the other end, a staggered breath. "If you want her to be yours, please, make sure you deserve her."

I opened my mouth to question Annie, to figure how I could be better in her eyes. But she had already hung up. I dropped my arm back down to my side, phone screen still lit red with the dead call.

There was no one else on the sidewalk with me, no running engines in the street. I wasn't even sure where I was. I shivered as the cool temperature enveloped me once again, the heat of my adrenalin wearing off too soon.

I sent a text to Ronnie, my GPS location attached, then leaned against one of the homes' gates. It was just me, the moon, and those few dull stars.


	81. How It Begins

_Chapter Eighty One- How It Begins_

* * *

I kept to myself for the following week, letting the dust settle and people adjust. I honestly wasn't sure how to approach Ymir after that. I didn't know how much Annie had told her, or how much knowledge she had about my involvement. It was plainly partially my fault, after all. At least, that was I had convinced myself. I had no idea if Ymir would resent me for it. She really wasn't talking to anyone. I couldn't imagine she'd want to speak to me, of all people, anytime soon.

On Thursday I followed my usual route back from my evening class, only wondering briefly if I'd see Ymir on the way. I hadn't heard if she'd even been attending classes this past week and a half. When I neared her building though, I stopped to look at the steps. Ymir was sitting on one, hunched over her phone. Her class must've already been dismissed.

She hadn't seen me yet. I could have easily slipped away and saved her the trouble of being bothered. But she looked like she had no intention of leaving soon, and there was no apparent purpose to her idle scrolling. Simply killing time, I suppose. I understood why she'd be reluctant to head home.

"Hey" I said softly, against my better judgement.

Ymir perked up, genuinely surprised I was standing in front of her. "Oh, hey" she replied.

"You okay?"

She pocketed her phone and sat up straighter, stretching her back. "Yeah, I think so. I'm a little out of it. Haven't been sleeping much."

"How long have you been out here?"

"Um, ten minutes?" She answered quietly.

I glanced up at the clouds gathering overhead. The wind carried the scent of rain. "Got any plans tonight?" I questioned as innocently as I could.

"I was going to drive around, get out of town for a little while. It's been feeling kind of stuffy here. I know that doesn't make much sense-"

"It does" I interrupted. "I get that feeling. Not much anymore, but I used to" I assured. "Do you… want some company?"

I was kind of expecting her to brush me off, say she needed space, and time alone. But instead she sighed and shrugged. "Yeah, sure. My car's parked two blocks down so you'll have to walk a little further with me. Did you have anywhere to be?"

"No" I responded as she stood and descended the steps. She stopped in front of me, looking down for longer than usual. You know that feeling when there's this huge, impenetrable wall between you and someone, but all so suddenly it's gone? Probably not. But it's strange. I didn't know how to react. She was so close, perfectly within my reach. And there was an unspoken pull toward her, like she had a gravity of her own drawing me in.

Then she stepped away and started walking in the direction of her car. I released a shaky breath, now unexpectedly dizzy. I followed after her a moment later.

* * *

I rested my head against the window, watching small droplets of rain trickle down the glass. It wasn't raining too hard yet, but I anticipated a heavier storm within the hour.

Ymir and I didn't talk much. I didn't get the sense that she really wanted to. She had the radio volume on low, and I was satisfied with the white noise. We were on a road headed west toward the coast. It'd take too long to get to the ocean, but the roads were emptier out here.

"I haven't really talked much to Annie" Ymir confessed. I sat up, wondering why she'd say that unprompted. "I just wanted to be mad for the first couple days. But of course, that left a lot of time for thinking. And I get why she did it. I didn't understand at first, even though she tried to explain. I don't think I was really listening, y'know?

"It's funny thinking about how shocked I was, like the breakup came out of nowhere. But it makes more sense in hindsight. Going all in and standing her ground… It's such an Annie thing to do" she chuckled hoarsely, then tapped against the steering wheel. "She kept bringing up how in love I am with you. And I didn't, well, I guess I really didn't realize it myself until then. I don't think I let myself consider it, not even when you confessed to me in June. I knew I liked you, at least. I knew I was happy around you."

"Then why did you wait for her to end it?" I asked, not meaning to sound so abrasive.

"I guess I was scared that if I left her, I wouldn't have a home anymore. Even if I dropped everything and tried to be with you, I was terrified that it could still end at any moment. There's never a guarantee that a relationship will work. And then I'd be left with nothing again. Not even a family. I didn't want to be stuck in that situation again."

"Annie's always going to be your family, Ymir. I-I called her that night, at the party, and she told me she'll still support you. She can do that as your friend."

Ymir sped up a bit. "Wait, why did you call her?"

"To ask her to reconsider."

"Why would you do that? I thought-" she cut herself off, an edge to her voice now. "Do you not still love me?"

"Of course I do" I answered firmly. "But I don't think I'm right for you. I'm self-centered and unstable and…" I trailed off.

"Who the fuck has been telling you that?" Ymir asked stiffly.

"People" I said with a shrug. I couldn't tell her it was Annie clouding my mind. I didn't want to stir up any more trouble.

"Do you really believe all that?"

I hesitated. I mean, it's not like I wanted to. Yet I did. "Yeah, I do."

"That's bullshit, Christa."

"You're the one always calling me a bitch."

"Lovingly! And because you're brutally honest. I _like_ that. Do you really not like that about yourself?" She demanded.

"I don't know" I confessed, louder than intended. "I just don't want to let Annie down! If she says I'm not good enough for you, then I'm damn well going to believe her."

Ymir slowed the car and pulled over. There was a semicircle of gravel, perfect for emergency stops. She looked over at me incredulously. "You've got to be fucking joking. She says stuff when she's emotional. Annie's not perfect, alright Christa? Neither am I, nor you. We're all just stupid, hormonal humans" she said steadily.

I shook my head, tears forming in my eyes. "I don't want to mess this up" I muttered.

"Why are you so convinced that you're going to?"

"Because I fell for Ronnie, and she left. I got close to my uncle, and he died. Even my birth was a big mistake. Wait" I said suddenly, a dry laugh bubbling up within me. "I think I know what my ideal future is. It's me having not existed! Everyone's life would've been so much more convenient!"

I could barely meet her eyes. She looked so disappointed in that moment. In me? In how the evening had turned out? Probably both. "Please don't look at me like that" I whispered shakily. Oh God, that breathless feeling was returning. As if the air in my lungs was actively leaking out, desperately seeking an escape from my body. It was too warm in the car. Everything just felt _heavy_.

I grasped the door handle and used my body weight to push it open, climbing out on unsteady legs. This scene was all too familiar: me on the brink of crying, walking away from a humming car. And an undeserving woman left confused behind me. History always repeated itself.

I flinched when Ymir slammed the driver's door closed, walking across the gravel to pull my hand away from my face. She was gentler than Ronnie had been, and she didn't question me. She simply pulled me into a tight hug, and the sob that had been caught in my throat was released. I cried into her chest as she rubbed my back. "I'm sorry" I hiccupped, the words muffled by her shirt. "I'm so sorry."

"Stop apologizing" she mumbled.

Ymir smelled like cologne, but not overwhelmingly. Her hold was firm and warm. Even as my sobs subsided, I remained in her embrace. I wanted to stay there for the rest of the night. But she pulled me back so she could look at my flushed face. I wiped at my nose and eyes, my skin already quite red.

"You're a mess" she quietly informed, using her sleeve to wipe away the tear-tracks on my cheeks.

"Sorr-"

She shut me up with a kiss, and I melted into her. It took me a moment to respond, kissing her back slowly. I paid more attention to my hand clutched onto her arm for support. Her lips felt the same as they had months ago, minus the guilt and shame that accompanied the act previously.

When we broke away, I reached up to run my thumb along her lower lip, still a bit dazed. She let me touch her for a second, then turned to kiss my palm. She grasped my face after, holding me in place as she proceeded to kiss my forehead, the tip of my nose, both cheeks, and finally my mouth again.

It began to rain again, a light sprinkle at first, then a more persistent onslaught. I didn't want to retreat to the car quite yet. I didn't want this to end. But Ymir made the decision for me.

She led us back to the car, but opened the door to the backseat this time. I slid in behind her, shut the door to block out the rain, then rested my head against her shoulder.

"I really do love you" I murmured.

Ymir held my hand, and replied, "I love you too."

* * *

Ymir and I made out for a while longer, exchanging soft words between kisses. We were both too tired to do much else that evening. When she pulled up by my home, I was reluctant to leave the passenger seat.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay the night?" I asked, stifling a yawn.

"I think I need to have a talk with Annie. A real talk, and sort some things out. Maybe tomorrow night?" She suggested.

I nodded, donning a soft smile. I leaned in for one more sweet kiss, then bid her goodnight. I felt giddy the entire walk to my front door. I turned the lock, then the knob, and stepped into the oddly silent space. A couple of hiccupped breaths broke the suspicious quiet, and I rushed forward to see who was crying.

Sasha intercepted me in the hall. "Eren and Levi broke up" she explained in a hushed voice. _Oh no._ "And it's not helping that Mikasa's mad at him for not even telling her about the relationship." She paused, lowering her head to sniff my shirt. "Why do you smell like cologne?"

 _Because that's what Ymir wears_. I settled for an explanation that wouldn't prompt any more questions, however. "I was out with a friend" I said simply. "Um, do you think it'd be okay if I talked to Eren?"

"Yeah, I think he needs the consoling."

I frowned and walked past her into the mostly dark living room. "Hey" I gently greeted, peering down at his hunched over form, almost curled into the couch. "Do you need anything? Ice cream, a stupid comedy movie, a hug?" I inquired, sitting on the other end of the sofa.

He grabbed a tissue and blew his nose, tossing it into a growing pile on the floor. "I don't know. I just feel like shit, Christa."

I nodded sympathetically. "TV is a good distraction" I reasoned.

He sniffled and shrugged. "Alright." I turned on a late-night channel playing old cartoon reruns. I left briefly to grab a blanket, offering it to him silently. I eventually settled in with two bowls of ice cream, handing one over. Eren accepted everything with lessening reluctance.

We didn't speak for the first half hour. I gave him time to calm down before pestering him with questions. I waited with my phone in hand, wondering if I should text Ymir. She was probably still talking with Annie. I figured I'd sent her one before I went to bed as a compromise with myself.

Eren eventually turned to me, eyes rimmed red and a little swollen from tears. "Did I do the right thing?" He asked hoarsely.

"Do you feel like you did?"

He thought it over for a string of seconds, sighing. "Yeah."

"Then you did the right thing" I assured, settling in for a long night.


	82. Complete

**AN: I'm so grateful you guys gave this story any attention. I think a grew a lot throughout the process, and I hope I'll continue to grow. I hope I'll learn how to be happy soon enough too. I'm sorry I couldn't write more about Ymir and Christa's romantic relationship. I'm sorry I didn't resolve everything, develop all of the plot lines, or elaborate on the characters' healing. Trust me, I wanted to; I had many other ideas to contribute to this. I'm just not in a good place, and I'm afraid I won't be for a long while. I'm getting help, though. I'm trying. I want to be a functional human who can have meaningful relationships and be motivated to write frequently. I'll get there someday.**

 **Overall, thank you though. Take care of yourself. I hope you're all happy and healthy in this upcoming year.**

 **Goodbye.**

* * *

 _Chapter Eighty Two- Complete_

* * *

Late spring found Ymir and I laying on the school's quad, our third semester dying down as more students filtered off campus by the day. We were going to rent an apartment once school was out, and work through the summer.

Ymir still had her car. We took frequent drives nowhere, getting lost on low-lit highways in the dead of the night. We often took random trips on weekends, carrying homework along and helping each other through the harder equations and essays. They were peaceful outings, lacking loneliness or any real hurriedness. They eased our stress during the harder weeks.

Ymir had quit drinking, for the most part at least. We were still working on it. I made a rule: I wouldn't kiss her if I could taste alcohol on her lips, or smell it on her breath. It was quite effective. We also cut down on the partying. It seemed our usual group was disappearing as well, branching out into smaller social circles. We left the sad, smoky shadows of Levi's house. The man himself was even set to leave permanently soon enough. He wouldn't reveal where he was going, but I think we were all relatively fine with that. He was never very open about his life anyway.

Things were changing for our friends too. Reiner came out to his football team after the fall season. It didn't end well. I don't know the details, but I heard things turned south with his family as well. He'd be transferring after the year's end, heading north to a more liberal university. He wasn't the closest or most considerate friend I'd made, yet I was happy for him all the same.

Eren and Sasha were preparing to spend a semester abroad over the summer in Germany. It was a little unexpected, but I suppose they felt they needed a getaway, especially after their tumultuous romantic lives throughout the past year or so. I hoped they'd make the most of being single in a foreign country.

Ronnie was toting around an overexcited red-head these days. She constantly sent pictures to Ymir and I, gushing about how in love she was. I found it adorable, although Ymir wasn't nearly as amused. She was getting tired of Ronnie's enthusiasm real quick. I still anticipated Ronnie and her girlfriend driving down to visit us sometime during the break.

And as for Annie… A new development in her life seemed to come out of virtually nowhere. She just recently began dating Mikasa. While I hadn't exactly anticipated the relationship, especially since I didn't know they were even acquainted, apparently they'd been talking since September. Mikasa often wrote in the café Annie worked at. Annie brought Mikasa her usual order every time, stopping to chat for a few minutes. Of course, the small talk turned into flirting, which flourished into something bigger. They both seemed so happy, and I couldn't be more thrilled for them.

Ymir stirred, having been sleeping lightly with her head on my stomach. I lifted my book higher to glance down at her, watching her movements with a curious expression. A strong breeze passed through, shaking the bright green leaves above us and muffling Ymir's sigh. She blinked open bleary eyes and slowly looked up at me, smiling as soon as our gazes met. "What?" I murmured.

"You're very pretty today."

"Am I not pretty every day?" She had to pause and think about it. I rolled my eyes and closed the book. "Seriously? You're a brat. You should be nicer to your girlfriend, or she might just leave you."

"Stop talking in third person. It's weirding me out" Ymir responded, shrugging off my chastising.

"You're unbearable."

"I know, and I love you too" Ymir stated with a twitching smirk, eyes still tired and expression soft. "I am lucky to have you, though. It's hard finding people with enough patience to put up with my shit. We're both these broken machines whose parts miraculously fit together. You help me function" she crooned.

I gaped, and Ymir quickly placed a long finger on my lips. "Let me guess what you're thinking. Let's see" she murmured with creased brows. "You're convinced me taking that creative writing class was a bad idea, because now I fancy myself a poet" she said with an air of confidence.

I chuckled, already breathless. "Bingo. I suppose you know me too well" I confessed, attempting a nonchalant shrug.

"We're just that in sync, baby. Accept it. Let it happen."

"There'd be no stopping it, even if I tried" I softly replied. Ymir grinned, watching my own calm face for a long while. Then her excitement waned, and she hesitated, sitting up with a hand extended my way.

"Hold still. There's a ladybug in your hair" she said in hushed tone.

I stiffened up, staring as she reached over to pluck the bug off the end of a gold strand, holding it out for me to see. It was bright red, tiny, with wings just peeking out. Ymir lowered her head down, and blew, setting the ladybug off in flight. We watched it drift away into the branches above, eventually blotted out by the bright sunlight overhead.

I caught Ymir enraptured by my awed expression. I released a dry laugh; another one bubbled up deep in Ymir's chest. And soon enough we were chuckling for no reason, Ymir falling back into me. She instinctively wrapped her arms around my waist, warm chest to my mine as we shook with mirth. I'm not sure when the giggling devolved into breathy sighs, or when those sighs were shared between interlocked lips. Without thinking much of it, we were kissing. Tenderly, lovingly, with little space left between us.

Our lives were changing, and they still are. People drift in and out, leaving their marks in unforgettable ways. Temporary friends can often change us forever. The most important of those people, however, stay for a long time. They heal our wounds and make the scars more bearable. Yet throughout everything, one undeniable thing has remained consistent: Ymir makes me feel complete.


End file.
